limericks [10]

Subject: RE: limericks [10]
From: Artful Codger
Date: 06 Oct 11 - 03:35 PM

More versetto cogierello:

A pianist, seemingly blotto,
played too lento during the animato
   till the bass, with a hiss,
   spotted what was amiss:
"It's 'Ligeti', you fool, not 'Legato'!"

Subject: RE: limericks [10]
From: Artful Codger
Date: 05 Oct 11 - 07:16 PM

More codgerrel:

An aesthete, renowned for his gluttony,
remarked that his bisque tasted muttony.
   The chef, deeply pained,
   in dudgeon explained,
"Of prawns, sir, I just hadn't guttony."

Subject: RE: limericks [10]
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Oct 11 - 11:30 AM

*sniff* someone beat me to the Gorey ones...

Subject: RE: limericks [10]
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Oct 11 - 04:12 AM

Proper Limericks should have 5 lines.

The Limerick is furtive and mean,
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums,
And promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

Dave H

Subject: RE: limericks [10]
From: GUEST,Mucky Mike
Date: 03 Oct 11 - 03:36 PM

There was a woman preacher from Bude
Who always taught in the nude
A young man up front said I smell c**t
Just like that, bloody rude

There was a young man called Murray
Who once did a fart in a hurry
With a mighty great roar, his tousers he tore
And he covered the wall in curry

There was a young queer from Malay
Who once made an ass out of clay
But the heat from his prick, turned the clay into brick
And wore both his balls away

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Johnny Tequla
Date: 11 Feb 11 - 06:43 AM

There once was a woman named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
and bits of her tits in dallas

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Feb 11 - 05:57 PM

To be recited in your best nonrhotic RP:

There was once an old man of Antigua,
Whose wife said to him, "What a pig you are!"
    Replied he, "Ah, my queen,
    Is it manners you mean,
Or do you refer to my figure?"

Subject: RE: limericks
From: eftifino
Date: 08 Feb 11 - 09:12 AM

A Young homosexual named Broome, took a Lesbian up to his room, where they argued all night, as to who had the right, to do what, and with what, and to whom.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Colin holt
Date: 08 Feb 11 - 05:51 AM

There was a young man called Wyatt
Who's voice was incredibly quiet
And then one day
It faded away....

Subject: RE: limericks
From: eftifino
Date: 08 Feb 11 - 01:09 AM

There was a young man of Malacca,Who smoked a great deal of Tabacca, until one foggy night, he lit some dynamite, and went POW, BOOM FLASH, like a Crakka.


While Titian was mixing Rose Madder, his model reclined on a ladder. This position, to Titian, suggested coition, so he leapt up the ladder and 'ad 'er.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Will Fly
Date: 07 Feb 11 - 02:08 PM

A potentate, gross and despotic,
Had tastes more obscene than exotic.
He always adored making love in a Ford
Because he was auto-erotic.

There was a young lady from Uppingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham,
Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em.

Now, Kendall - you were saying...?

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,O.V. Michaelsen - Ove Ofteness
Date: 07 Feb 11 - 01:48 PM

A HAM, A YAMAHA…(a palindrome)

FIVE-CHORD STUD

He bought a guitar just like Chet's,
And the brand is as good as it gets.
   You'd think he'd explore
   Up the neck a bit more
But he stays on the lower three frets.

Not one placed a tip in my jar
While I played my gold-plated guitar.
   When done, I looked back.
   It was gone from the rack.
Man, a dream can be much too bizarre.

I bought a guitar from TV.
(Was it HSN, or QVC?)
   Then pounded a barred chord.
   It sounded like cardboard.
Now no one will take it for free.

An Elvis fan known as Sylvester
Said, "The 'King' has been mocked by the jester:
   A man's out of luck when
   Eternally stuck in
A hundred percent polyester."


"The price of success, I have paid it,
But fate somehow always delayed it.
   Some say I retired
   The day I was hired,
Burned out from the moment I made it."

His time at the top wasn't long.
The things he did right went so wrong.
   The friends he would make
   For that one lucky break
Said he sang for the wealth, not the song.

RESULTS MAY VARY

With many a frustrated claimant,
The few never knew just what fame meant.
   They've all paid the price—
   Some once, many twice,
In the hope to receive their due payment.

DEPARTED GREATS

Our gratitude must be expressed.
The musical world has been blessed.
   They'll never be gone—
   The legends live on,
Fulfilling our final request.

DICK CURLESS (1932-1995)

We've all heard the name Bobby Darin,
And in country, a man known as Faron.
   I preferred the vibrato,
   Ligato, bravado
Of one man from Maine called "The Baron."

A ZIMMERICK (on Bob Dylan)

Right out of the blue, a dark horse
Ran through with phenomenal force.
   His intense ammunition—
   This poet musician
Helped chart a new cultural course.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 29 May 10 - 02:11 PM

A grasshopper hopped on a square;
He hopped on a girl sitting there.
He chirped in her ear,
Which filled her with fear,
And sent her sky-high in the air.

Leadfingers, I have enjoyed this clean one for yrs. My bias is: it was written by my 11 or 12 yr old daughter. Tw

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Aeola
Date: 22 May 10 - 12:58 AM

An Oldy..!
There was a young man from Kent
Whose prick was extremely bent.
So to save him the trouble
he put it in double
And instead of coming he went!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 21 May 10 - 08:21 PM

A saucy young man from Woods Green
Tried to fart "God Save the Queen."
When he reached the soprano,
He shot out his guano,
Now his breeches aren't fit to be seen!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 01 Oct 09 - 04:03 PM

There was a young man called Sawn.
Who tripped on the eadge of the Lawn.
His knees went snap.
His Back went Crack.
And he regretted the day he was born.
.....................................

There once was a Harlot from Crewe.
Who filled her Virgina with Glue.
She said with a grin,
If you pay to get in.
You can pay to get out of it too.
.................................

There was a young lady from Nod.
Who was promised a baby from God.
It was not the Almight,
Who poked her that night...?
It was the Vicar The filthy Old Sod

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GREEN WELLIES
Date: 01 Oct 09 - 11:22 AM

Mary had a little lamb
she also had a bear
you often saw her little lamb
but never saw her bear

Sorry.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Sep 09 - 08:45 PM

There was once a young fellow named Grant
Who was built like a sensitive plant.
    When asked, "Do you fuck?"
    He replied, "No such luck!
I would if I could, but I can't."

There was once a young fellow named Fisk,
At fucking exceedingly brisk.
    So rapid his action,
    Fitzgerald contraction
Shrunk his dingdong darn down to a disk.

The partition of Vavasour Scowles
Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
    In a firkin; his brain
    Was found clogging a drain,
And his toes were wrapped up in some towels. -- Edward Gorey

Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
Drank up several bottles of sherry;
    In the Yard around three
    They were shaking with glee:
'Come on out, we are burning a fairy!' -- Edward Gorey

The first child of a Mrs Keats-Shelley
Came to light with its face in its belly;
    Her second was born
    With a hump and a horn,
And her third was as faceless as jelly. -- Edward Gorey

Un moine au milieu de la messe
S'eleva et cria en detresse:
    'La vie religieuse,
    C'est sale et affreuse'
Et se poignarda dans le fesses. -- Edward Gorey

To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
As he poured his post-prandial tibble,
    'Your mother's behaviour
    Gave pain to Our Saviour,
And that's why He made you a cripple.' -- Edward Gorey

An incautious young woman named Venn
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
    She vanished one day,
    But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen. -- Edward Gorey

From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news:
    They've discovered a head
    In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose. -- Edward Gorey

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 29 Sep 09 - 07:15 PM

Five lines of anapest, rhymed aabba, the a lines having three feet and the b lines two. It can be confusing because some of the unstressed beats are left off the beginning of lines.

Peter

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Nick E
Date: 29 Sep 09 - 07:07 PM

So what are exactly the littereary conventions that define the structure of a limieric? It seems to me of poetic forms it is fairly predicatble.
Certainly not a rigid as HIKU but there must be some rules of thumb. So what EXACTLY are those rules of thumb?

Subject: RE: limericks
From: The Vulgar Boatman
Date: 29 Sep 09 - 06:39 PM

There was a young lady of Exeter,
So lovely that men craned their neck at 'er,
And one went so far
As to wave, from his car,
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er.

Whilst Titian was mixing rose madder,
He spied a young maid up a ladder,
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he shinned up the ladder and 'ad 'er.

There was a young lady from Faience,
Who bade all young fellows defiance,
She would lurk in dark halls
And nip at their balls
With a patent-applied-for appliance.

Now look what you made me do...

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Sep 09 - 06:04 PM

There was once an old maid in Peru
Who had nothing whatever to do,
    So she sat on the stairs
    And counted **** hairs --
9802.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Andy
Date: 29 Sep 09 - 08:03 AM

There was a young girl from Devizes
Whos bosoms were different sizes
The left one was small
And was no use at all
But the right one was big, and won prizes!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 04:53 PM

Apollo to Mission Control
We are almost in reach of our goal
But this reading of G
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Tom - Swords & Songs
Date: 23 Sep 09 - 08:19 AM

There once was a man named West
Whose phallus came up to his chest
He said, 'I declare
'I've no pubic hair!'
And he covered his balls with his vest.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST, topsie
Date: 22 Sep 09 - 01:53 PM

There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who boarded a bus bound for Ealing.
It said on the door,
'Don't spit on the floor'
So he lay down and aspat on the ceiling.

There was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples, fermented
Inside the lamented,
Made cider inside 'er inside.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Tom - Swords & Songs
Date: 22 Sep 09 - 11:51 AM

There once was a man from Dundee
Who was stung on the leg by a wasp
When asked if it hurts
He said, 'no, not at all
'he can do it again, if he wants to.'

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Sep 09 - 07:55 PM

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros.
    Said she, with a shriek,
    "His horn is unique
And leaves the men looking preposterous."

Subject: RE: limericks
From: PHJim
Date: 21 Sep 09 - 12:03 PM

Ogden Nash invented a type of poem called a "limmick". Here's an example;

An old person from Troy
Was so bashful and coy
That it doesn't know if
It's a girl or a boy.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Sep 09 - 04:51 AM

There was a young student of St Bartholomews
Whose car went by fits and by St Startholomews
Till a fellow called St John
Had a look at the 't John
And fitted it out with spare St Partholomews

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Sep 09 - 03:33 AM

There was a young gaucho called Bruno,
Who said shagging is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
A sheep is devine,
But a llama is numero uno

Dave H

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 06:53 PM

There was a young lady from Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage
Said the borough surveyor
Of course you must pay her -
You've altered the line of her frontage.

Kitty

Subject: RE: limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 06:00 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Is heard screaming that carries for miles.
My goodness, my gracious,
Poor Brother Ignatius
Has forgotten the Bishop has piles!

There was a mean fellow called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
   He said 'It takes pluck
   To have a cold fuck,
But think of the money you save.'

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Andes
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 05:17 PM

There was a young fellow named Horne
Who wished that he'd never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the condom was torn

There was a young lady from Cheadle
Who sat down in church on a needle
Though deeply embedded
'twas happily threaded
And she had it removed by the Beadle

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Jul 09 - 08:28 PM

A lovely young lady of Chichester
Made even the saints in their niches stir,
    And one morning at matins,
    Her breasts in white satins
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 23 Jul 09 - 07:48 PM

There was a young lady from Hyde
Who, no matter how hard she tried,
Could achieve no orgasm,
Not the tiniest spasm,
No spark to ignite her inside

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 09:55 PM

That young soldier called Fred Sir.
Who through Shell shock was confined to his bed Sir?
At 5 past 1. there was a "Bang" From a Gun.
And Ed Sir in bed Sir................was Dead Sir.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 09:47 PM

I know some raunchy ones that are also too bad to post....big difference between 'raunchy' and 'clever'.

( I remain, as in several other threads on limericks, a fan of meter and style. Good limericks are an art form, not just an excuse to use words you don't use at other times)

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 08:22 PM

I know some that are so raunchy I won't post them here.

Yeah, right. I've heard that before.

Somebody break out the Jameson's and see how long he sticks to it.

Peter

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 07:54 PM

There were some poetic Mudcatters,
Who really were mad as Mad Hatters,
Though they'd never met Alice,
I bear them no malice,
Despite all the limericks they scatters.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 07:30 PM

I know some that are so raunchy I won't post them here.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 06:04 PM

There was a young lady from Leeds.
Who swollowed a packet of Seeds?
From out of her Bum,a Geranium come.
But her tits were all covered in Weeds.
.............................................

There was a young Girl from Austrailia.
Who painted her Arse like a Dalia?.............. =FLOWER
A Penny a look was all well and good.
but sixpence a sniff was a failiar.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 05:54 PM

ObMusic:
A tooter who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
    Said the two to the tooter,
    "Is it easier to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Artful Codger
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 05:03 PM

A bit of codgerrel verse:

From an alcove a resourceful, sly midget
Levitated and twirled a widget.
    All amazed, passers-by
    Wondered how it could fly
And what made it incessantly fidget.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Still receiving a state paycheck
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 04:12 PM

In the rainy, wet city of Juneau
Where Palin is governor as you know
        She couldn't pass gas
        With her head up her ass
So now she has decided to go.

Once a young governor named Sarah,
Tried to act like a bear-a,
        She had all the goods,
        But she shit in the woods,
Now she is no longer there-a.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: DADGBE
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 04:09 PM

A sweet young lady named Clio,
Was had by a 'cellist from Rio.
She said, "No andantes," as he pulled down her panties,
"I want this allegro con brio!"

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 03:53 PM

There once was a Whore from Kew.
Who filled her Virgina with Glue?
She said with a grin.
"If they pay to get in.
"They can pay to get out of it too.


..................................

There was a young Lady from Houghton.
Who had a big tit and a shorten.
But to make up for that,
She had a huge Twat.
And a fart like a 850 Norton,

................................

There was a young Man called Frank.
Who invented a new kind of Tank.                   (ARMY TANK)
He said "It would float just like a boat.
but when he tried, IT SANK.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 03:27 PM

There was a young chap from Belgrave,
Who kept a few tomes in a cave.
They were full of bad verses,
Limericks and worses,
Guarded by a hermit named Dave.

A voracious old cougar named Maggie,
Instead of a purse, had a baggie.
It contained some fois gras
And an industrial strength bra,
For her boobs were incredibly saggy.

There was a young miss from Madras,
Who had a magnificent ass.
Wasn't round and pink,
As you undoubtedly think,
But was black, had long ears and ate grass!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 05:34 AM

A certain young fellow called Pugh (no relation, I assure you !)
Lived on underpants scrapings and spew.
When he couldn't get that
He'd eat what he shat,
And mighty fine shit he shat, too.

I'll get me Barbour . . .

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Micca
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 09:15 PM

For hobo, this is very English
There was a young lady from Salisbury
whose manners were all Halsbury-scalsbury
she went around Hampshire
without any pampshire
because she was to hot to walsbury