Heard any good ones lately? II

Subject: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 11:37 AM

Okay, the other one was getting too long, and timing out. So here's a new humor thread.

So, to kick off:

One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"

Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."

The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a dollar."

Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:05 PM

You can find Part I Over Here.

A

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:05 PM

Thanx, Amos!

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: kendall
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:22 PM

I hope no one has posted this one, don't have time to wade through all those that have been posted.

Two terrorists were talking, and showing pictures of their children; "This is my oldest son, he's a martyr, this is my youg daughter, she is also a martyr." The other terrorist says, "And this is my son, also a martyr, they blow up fast these days, don't they"?

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:28 PM

Really does highlight the rationale for long-term stable families, dunnit???

A

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:37 PM

Southern Rules

   If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know
   the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
   Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person
   as they enter a Southern State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
    you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're
    going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the
    way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,
    don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent. The
    big lumps of it . . . they're called "clods."

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
    Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
    you whipped...by our women.

6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
    flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
    little 13-inch trout you fish for ... bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever,
    and wear your hair long-go right ahead -- but if we call you
    ma'am, don't be offended.

9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
    their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure
    it's not up to your ear at the time.

10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
      what you paid in the airport for one drink.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
      Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off
      the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
      sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it
      UN-sweetened - add a lot of water.

13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
      over ice.

14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
      We have quarter of a million dollar combine out in the field
      that we only use two weeks a year.

15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
      when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to.
      So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat
      (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays,
      we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still
      address our seniors with 'yes sirs' and 'yes ma'am,' and we
      sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and
      neighbors.

18. We don't do "hurry up" well.

19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
      boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.

20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want
      sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
      like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways-Interstate 40 goes the
      other two. Pick one.

22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
      on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them -- then you want
      cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
      season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup,
      and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
      friendly. Understand the concept?

25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
      spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in
      the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're
      not baseball players.

26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
      like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them.
      You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on
      your hood.

28. You burn an American flag in our state - you get beat up. No
      questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature (all
      4 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10
      fine for beating up the flag burner.

Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - "visit."

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 01:16 PM

Airport Security

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator -Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS."

I feel safer already....

A

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 01:36 PM

The height of despair......An aine-armed man hangin' o'er a cliff wi' itchy baws.

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: Justa Picker
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 01:50 PM

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf game.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse were he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See" she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: GUEST,Taliesn
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 02:15 PM

Bein' a northerner ,of the New York persuasion, whom chose to make a home in as far South as I care to go ( Yeah, I know Northern Virginia is no longer considered bonafied Southern ) them thar Southern Rules of youn need a tad amendin' 'ccordin' to mah observins'.....in no particular rhyme or reason.

Please note *truth in labeling8 required smiley face. ;-)

(quote) "1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym."

And that be why he be slope-shouldered and is just as likely to also to be growin' and knowin' where to haul off to market bales of homegrown marijuana because of the "better" price he know'd he can git.

(quote) "2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way."

This much promoted myth about elite "city folk" applies just as much to Southerners with *means* who are far more at home suckin' down drinks at the *have pedigreed horse need apply* country club than anything of the so-called plantation roots they love to reminiss over whilst smoozin' with their local politician whose in their pocket for the goin' price.

(quote) "6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for ... bait."

Well tell that to the retired millitary brass ,politicians , and businessmen of Southern persuassion whom *make* Orvis and L.L.Bean the lucretive franchise it is. Heckfire we got one of their stores right in Tyson's Corner. Guess whom can afford to shop regularly there?

(quote) " Y'all try and make that rule stick at any of these good ol'boy gathering's or any bar when some sweet young thang is showin' off what she's got and guess who's gonna get shot.

(quote) "8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever,and wear your hair long-go right ahead -- but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended."

Nice quaint myth , but I've got some powerful doubts you'd try that little stunt around the good ol' Southern boy bikers , and their eually tatooed women , that used to hang out at Payne's in Leesburg. Need I remind y'all that *you'd* be the one accused of "gettin" cute" before y'all are shown the door by the butt end of a pool cue which is bettern' being lookin' down the barrel of some new fangled assault weapon.

(quote) " 21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways-Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one."

Well the that's exactly what the voters in one of the Carolinas, can't remember which , did with Republican corporate pig-farm potentate Lauch Faircloth. You know , lie down with pigs ya wake-up with....well you know.

(quote) "28. You burn an American flag in our state - you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature (all 4 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner." Yeah, now try and burn a Confederate Flag and see what happens. Ain't purty. Especially around those whom define themselves as being of *true* southern "conservative pursuasion whom *openly* call the Republican reign of Lincoln as an outright military dictatorship and consider the federal gov't *unconstitutional"

Shall I go on? Yeah, these so-called southern rules may still have a life in Reader's Digest's "Humor in America" , but the real South covers a wholotta mo' territory and is a motherlode for humorous commentatin'.....21st century Samuel Clemens-style. Ahhh, Southern humor; that muthah's milk do floweth over now don't it. ;-)

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: GUEST,Taliesn
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 02:31 PM

A correction for an ill-placed and too hastey delete

(quote) "7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot."

Y'all try and make that rule stick at any of these good ol'boy beer n' Wild Turkey/Jack Daniels gathering's bar when some sweet young thang is showin' off what she's got and guess who's gonna get shot.

Yeah ,ask any red-blooded Southern male why they love football and see if y'all can even get their attention as lall the ittle Bobby Sue's are doin' those cheerleader splits as *inspiration* for gettin' a touchdown. I don't lknow what's funnier; this perpetuation of so-callede classical Southrern culture or the wealth *winked at* foibles runnin' rampant behoind all of the posturing.

If there's any true American character we *all* share it's pokin' holes in false facades. No *that's* always funny. ;-)

Subject: RE: Heard any good ones lately? II
From: GUEST,Brían
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 03:32 PM

Nice, Amos :-)

Brían(The other side of the Maaason-Dixon Line)