Dear Mr. Guitar

Subject: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:46 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I've owned my guitar for about a month now and I can't help but notice that the thing sounds awful. Sort of like every note is just a little sharp or flat – sometimes a lot sharp or flat.

I noticed that if I turn those knob-things to which the strings seem to be connected, the string's pitch will change. Unfortunately, when I do this, the knobs end up not facing the same way (toward the front).

Is this normal or do I need a new guitar?

Thanks for the help,
Alan E. ReTentiff

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:47 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I'm having trouble with my guitar. I can't get it to work at all. Specifically, the two "E"strings. I can get the silver colored string tuned to "E" (I bought myself an "Intellitouch" tuner), but when I try to match the pitch with that brass wound "E" string it almost always breaks.

The one time I got it to pitch without breaking, I heard a cracking sound deep inside my guitar.

Is this normal or do I need a new guitar?

Waiting for your reply,
Ilene North

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:48 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I'm hoping you can help me with my new guitar. I'll admit I almost didn't buy it because I thought I noticed this flaw, even in the guitar store. But I thought, rather than make a scene in the store, I'd bring the guitar home and do some measuring for myself. I was right. The things called "frets" are not spaced evenly. In a rather careless and unsightly manner, the guy who made this guitar (a guy from Texas named "Collings"), spaced all the frets unevenly! In fact, the spaces between the frets get smaller and smaller and smaller the closer the neck gets to the big hole in middle of the guitar.

Is this normal or do I need a new guitar?

Any help you can give me would be appreciated as I would like to be able to return this guitar while it's still under warranty.

Thanks,
I.D. Ott

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:49 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I've been told that an easy way to learn guitar is with "Tab".

I can't find a guitar with tabs. I've seen them with knobs, or keys, or pegs. Mine has silver colored tuning keys but as I mentioned, no tabs.

Is this normal or do I need a new guitar?

Waiting for your reply,
Peg

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:51 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I am looking for a horizontal guitar -- you know, like the kind you can play in your lap, or hanging by a guitar strap?

When I go into guitar stores all they ever have in stock are "uprights". Unusual indeed as I can't, as best I can recall, ever remember seeing anyone ever play an "upright".

Is this something I would have to custom order?

Can these "uprights" be played lying down?

Waiting for your reply,
Justin Leeward

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:51 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I've heard it said that a lighter guitar is a more responsive guitar. I have my granddad's old Martin (mom says he had it with him in the"Big War"), and I was just wondering if you thought I could improve its responsiveness if I painted its dark rosewood lighter......

....like white.

Or do I just need a new guitar?

Sincerely,
Sherwin Williams

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:52 PM

Dear Mister Guitar,

I'm hoping you can answer something for me.

My wife has been taking guitar lessons for a while now. She was lucky enough to find a young, good-looking, virile, and very talented guitar teacher who is a student at the local college. I'm happy for her an' all, I mean I like the idea of her self-improvement, but...

My question is;
Is it true that guitar lessons have to be given (and taken) in the nude?

...and shouldn't I be hearing music coming from the other room during the lesson?

As the military leader once said, "trust but verify"

Any help you can give is appreciated,
Ed

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:53 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar

I'm hoping you can settle something for me and my husband.

He had a really nice guitar when he started playing. A Goodall I believe. He used to play exclusively fingerstyle but then he got interested in bluegrass and said he needed to buy what's called a "dreadnought". I went along with that but then he started playing jazz and he now says he needs an "archtop".

My question is this:
Does he need a guitar for each style of music he pursues?

......and what's "Klezmer"?

You know what they say, "Trust but verify"

Sincerely,
Going Broke In Idaho

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 10:54 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I've been told that a good way to tune a guitar is to use the 5th and 7th fret harmonicas.

I've been told that my playing both blows and sucks, but still I find no harmonicas on either my 5th or my 7th frets.

Please advise,
Bluis in St. Louis

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 11:08 PM

LOL!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Sep 02 - 11:20 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I am writing YOU as a last resort, in complete frustration at a difficulty I am having with a band member, because I suspect his guitar may be the problem. When I play oldtime gospel on my autoharp, you know, in chords, he plays chords on his guitar, too. But although we start out in tune together, his chords and my chords do not sound at ALL the same, even though we are looking at the same piece of music. I call my chords 1,4 and 5. He calls his "jazz progressions." I wrote to Mrs. Autoharp, but she advised that I:

>> kill him immediately, or
>> smash his guitar, and/or
>> smash his fingers repeatedly in his guitar case,

.... before the problem spreads to other band members' instruments, but this approach seems strangely harsh for a Gospel band leader.

Will it help if he buys a new guitar? Is there such a thing as a guitar pre-inoculated against jazz?

Please help soon. We are holding rehearsal up, waiting for your reply, and church is due to start soon.

Sincerely,

A. Tru Fokey

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 03:00 AM

Dear Mr. Guitar,
Could you please help with a rather irritating problem regarding the tuning of the guitar. Having followed all the instructions and satisfied myself that my new Santa Cruz was perfectly tuned I decided to fix the machine heads in place with superglue to avoid having to repeat this somewhat lengthy exercise.
To my immense horror, it would seem that someone has sabotaged my instrument and forced the strings out of tune!
Can you help me or do I need a new guitar?

Yours in anticipation,

R.Sole

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 03:02 AM

That last one really happened to a music shop owner I know!

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 04:49 AM

Dear Readers,

I have been away from my help desk for a couple of days and...well, I am overwhelmed by all of your questions!

However, I will try to answer them all individually as the care and owning of a guitar is a responsibility that must not be taken lightly. Like a wife or a puppy, remember a guitar is for life.

By the way, I prefer to be called Dr. Guitar if you all wouldn't mind! I didn't do all this training for nothing you know!

Let's start with Mr ReTentiff's problem.

Dear Alan,

You are quite correct...there are lots of sharp and flat things on your guitar. I think the problem here is that you have connected the strings to your knob rather than the guitar, possibly several peoples' knobs since you use the plural.

Tightening the string around your or others' knobs will definitely increase the pitch and frequently has an effect on loudness as well. It is quite likely that some people may become a little sharp while others may go flat. This is a physiologically-related problem related to the infinite variability of knobs and other biological factors.

I would suggest that, instead of attaching the strings to your knob, you use that part of the machine head called the string post. This should solve your particular problem. In fact I would recommend that you keep your knob away from all sharp parts of the guitar. You may however, rest it on any of the flat parts althought this may cause dampening of the sound whilst playing. Also, if you wish to play slide guitar, I would recommend the purchase of a bottleneck or steel slide accessory from any reputable musical purveyor rather than using your knob. If you must do the latter then use of a flatwound string or coated strinf such as Elixir Polywebs will give a more pleasurable result.

It does not really matter which way your knob points...again this is an anatomical matter. I would, however, recommend not pointed it at the audience while performing lest unintentional offence should be caused.

Good luck and careful with the placement of the bridge pins!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 05:32 AM

Dear Ilene North,

You definitely have a problem there. The low E string should always break when tuned to the same pitch as the high E string. I suspect an inferior brand of string with a hexagonal steel core of too high a tensile strength. Try Adamas strings as they use a lower gauge core for any given string. Your breakeage should then always happen as you reach pitch. Also, if right handed, you should attach your Intellitouch tuner to your left ear so that the right ear is free to listen for cracking noises within the guitar. If left-handed, just reverse the procedure.

These cracking noises are not really serious at all and are caused by the innate structural variability of tonewoods and other materials used in the construction of your instrument. For a reasonable fee, can be attended to sucessfully by a specialist like myself.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 05:41 AM

Dear I.D. Ott,

This is a phenomenon I have observed increasingly, even in the most expensive models of guitar.

There are various ways to solve this. One way is to remove all of these badly-placed frets completely and fill the slots or, better still, bring the instrument to me and I will install a fretless fingerboard for a moderate fee. This will also cure that annoying problem of fret buzz at the same time.

There are more technologically complex solutions such as the use of highly compensated nuts and bridges in conjunction with evenly spaced frets but I find, as the guitar is a so-called "not well-tempered instrument (a technical luthier's term), your guitar may not like this approach and may become angry with you.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: HuwG
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 06:15 AM

Ok, Doctor Guitar, have it your own way ...

I recently bought a guitar. I know from watching TV that you make a guitar work by plugging it in to a big electrical watchamacallit (what is it, by the way ? A night storage heater ? A dehumidifier ?)

When I tried to plug my guitar in, with the 20' lead I bought from the same shop, in spite of the stupid assistant telling me I didn't need one, I couldn't find anywhere on the guitar where it could go.

Can you help me, or do I need a new guitar ?

Yours,

Robin Banks

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 06:50 AM

Dear Mr R. Sole,

I think I know the answer to your problem!

You have missed the important point that with a new instrument or with new strings, there is always a "settling-in period". For instance, new strings will always continue to stretch for a little while before becoming stable. Famous guitarists like Stephan Grossman often accelerate this bedding-in period by pulling and "snapping" the strings against the fingerboard while tuning up, also with the mistaken idea that this looks cool on stage.

Only after one has let the strings settle to stability and allowed the tonewoods of the guitar to settle also (this may take a couple of years so the use of Elixir PolyWebs or Nanowebs or a similar quality coated string is advisable) should one apply superglue to the machine heads to hold the instrument in tune. As polyacrylamide glue is innately brittle, in fact a more professional result may be achieved with a good quality epoxy resin.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:00 AM

Spot-welding beats epoxy resin any day !

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:08 AM

Dear Peg,

In fact I believe your problem comes from a misunderstanding of the correct meaning of "tab".

In fact, in this case, "tab" is used in the Northumbrian, UK sense (i.e. a slang word for cigarette).

In fact research has indicated that use of a tab can indeed improve the perceived quality of playing, particularly with blues or rock guitar as the audience will expect to see the use of such a device. The only real problem is that none of the major manufacturers has thought to provide tabs with their guitars (an error in my view), so unfortunately you have to supply your own. The actual brand of tab is fortunately not critical and good results have sometimes been achieved using homemade or even "exotic" tabs.

The correct placement of the tab however is important. It is usual to leave an uncut portion of the G string (applicable equally for normal, DADGAD, DADGF#D and "dropped D" tunings") after the proper affixing of the said string to the string post waving free to a distance of about two to three inches (approximately 4.8 - 7.2cm) from the head of the guitar. The tab may then be correctly and properly impaled upon the free end of the G string. Whether the tab is lit or not is a matter of personal preference although the latter is customary for blues and rock applications.

On certain expensive guitars, the tab may also be conveniently wedged between two strings such that it projects in a perpendicular fashion from the head of the guitar.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:13 AM

Dear Mr Bryant,

Your observation is indeed correct. However, I was aware that Mr R. Sole might not have been in possession of the necessary equipment so deliberately omitted that possibility. However, permanency of the tuning will indeed be assured by the use of spot welding. It is recommended to protect the sensitive finish of the guitar with a template of asbestos however so as not to diminish the guitar's retail value.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:21 AM

Dear Mr Leeward,

I personally find it reprehensible that the major manufacturers have concentrated almost entirely on the familiar "vertical" guitar that you see so commonly even in reputable retailers. Some unscrupulous retailers have tried to disguise this glaring inadequacy by placing their vertical guitars on a stand such that they are angled backwards to give the impression of "semi-horizontality"...a practice that is to be abhorred.

Until the musical community can convince the major manufacturers of the need for a true horizontal or semi-horizontal guitar, I am afraid your only real choice is to play a vertical guitar whilst in a horizontal or semi-horizontal position.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:24 AM

Dear Mr Williams,

I see no innate problem in painting Martin white (the paint should, however, be non-toxic, anti-allergenic and biocompatible) although I would personally recommend that you seek his permission beforehand to avoid any potential ill-feeling.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:31 AM

Dear Ed,

I think your main concern should that the teacher in question may not be properly qualified as he is, himself, still a student.

As a fully qualified guitar teacher also, I would be more than happy to teach you wife the bare essentials of playing technique. For a trial period, I would also be willing to provide these services on a "pro bono" basis. It is not always the case that you would expect to hear music during such lessons as the initial training is based on correct finger placement and holding of the instrument.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:41 AM

Dear Robin Banks,

Because of the possibility of changes caused by temperature and moisture in the air, the correct place to install your dehumidifier and night storage heater (as the guitar will be hot in the day and will cool down at night) is in your guitar case.

The lead you were supplied with probably has a so-called "jack" and this should be inserted into your jack socket. There are many possibilities for placing the other end by I would personally suggest trace Elliott.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 08:49 AM

Dear Going Broke in Idaho,

I'm afraid the simple answer is yes. He WILL need a different guitar for each type of music he plays. I suggest that you try to stay in gainful highly-paid employment to support his habit which is distressing but not that unusual and only rarely fatal (in its extreme form normally where the musician requires a different guitar for each individual song or tune).

Kletzmer comes from the Hebrew "kley" (instrument) and "zemer" (song) and is basically Jewish music with Roma, Romanian, Polish, Hungarian, Ukranian, Russian and other Eastern European roots played on many different occasions.

There are many types of Kletzmer music including khusidl, hora/zhok, doyne, fantzi, freylekh/bulgar, sirba, kolomeyke and sher.

Your husband will need a different guitar for each of these types of kletzmer and, for a small consideration, I will be prepared to carry out all the necessary set-ups.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 09:08 AM

Dear Mrs A Tru Fokey,

The courses of action you suggest do indeed seem harsh for a church-based group.

I am afraid that "jazz progression syndrome" is a condition for which there is no vaccine nor any known medical treatment and it may strike anyone at any time, even in the middle of the most solemn service.

There is little that can be done to offset the unexpected impact of an Eb9 or an F#dim6 during a Gospel standard but to pray that jazz becomes soul.

Changing guitar will not help as all new guitars these days come pre-loaded with jazz chords... a problem, my dear, of new technical developments and the use of sophisticated materials. If you wish to send your husband and guitar to me by Federal Express or DHL, I can try to undertake the delicate process of deleting the offending chords but I must warn you it is a time-consuming, expensive and not always successful procedure.

Have you considered, nothwithstanding Mrs Autoharp's advice, that your 1, 4 and 5 chords may indeed be "jazz" from his framework of concepts? An interesting musical and theological dilemma do you not agree which I am afraid is beyond my humble abilities to Pontificate upon?

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 09:22 AM

Dr. Guitar, if the offending player were my husband I would have no hesitation in sending him to you forthwith, but as it is the husband of another woman I will have to consult her before taking you up on your generous offer. Perhaps if the problem does indeed spread to the other instruments you might consider a housecall for a group consultation? If so I will be able to put on my nurse's uniform and assist, as I am sure the autoharp is genetically incapble of being infected. In the meantime I will indeed focus our group's efforts on more spiritual and soulful material.

I can only hope that prayer will be effective. If it is not, I suppose we may arrange for a certain purification rite, although it is a bit obscure and not much in current usage by churchmen. It's somewhat like the more well-known Blessing of Instruments-- the Reverent Sacrifice of a Chosen Victim, carried out during the Vigil of St. Vitus.

A Tru

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 11:02 AM

Doc,
you are so wise.....



.....and funny too.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 11:06 AM

John Hardly, I thought you were writing the replies?

Dr. Guitar, would you be so kind as to sign in and post with your membername, as John Hardly did when he wrote on behalf of troubled guitarists?

~Susan

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:14 PM

Dr. Guitar, my question refers more to the software rather than hardware, so to speak, of playing a guitar. No one, I mean NO ONE, is considerate enough to just do the simple favor I have asked of them: Show me where to put my fingers so I can play along with them. They seem to enjoy playing and I want to be part of that. Sometimes they aren't even nice about it- they won't even lend me a guitar any more.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:14 PM

Dear Susan,

I would dearly love to accede to your gracious request and to reveal my true Mudcat identity.

However, I hesitate to do this as many years of experience have taught me that the musician-guitar relationship is an always personal, sometimes complex and frequently fraught one and, as such, must be dealt with with the utmost sensitivity.

As with any professional, I am thereby bound by the rules of patient-doctor confidentiality. I think that you yourself have observed the somewhat delicate nature of some of the requests and I believe a wife is already in transit to my workshops.

Therefore I hope you will forgive me if I continue to dispense advice to the needy on an anonymous basis, as with any "agony aunt" or "magazine doctor"!

On another matter, I have just learned, after consulting tomes in my library regarding your dilemma, that in some cultures, e.g. native American Indian, Tibetan and Korean, the use of dissonant chords is actually intended to "drive away evil spirits". I believe your friend's husband may be aware of this and that this is what he is trying to do with his Ab13s and B9dim5s in the middle of your Gospel pieces. I recommend therefore not to judge him harsely as his motivation may be entirely altruistic. The offer to attempt removal of these offending chords, however, remains open should you deem it necessary.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Richie
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:19 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

My wife broke her G-string and can't get her guitar back in tune.

Any suggestions?

-Richie

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:25 PM

Dear Ebbie,

I understand your dilemma perfectly!

At the start of my long career, no-one showed me where to put my fingers either leading to some of the disturbing dissonances described above and, ultimately, to exclusion and obscurity. I therefore feel a personal responsibility to help you.

To help you further, however, could you clarify some points for me. Do you want to play along with your fingers, which appear to have developed a musical personality of their own according to your post, or with actual people? If the former, I too would be most upset if my own fingers refused to lend me a guitar and I would also wish to be at one with my fingers.

It is important to clarify this as the courses of treatment are quite different depending on the problem.

Awaiting your reply.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:33 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I have one of those Intellitouch tuners too. When I first turn it on it always says I'm playing a B# note even though I'm not really playing anything. Then, when I start in really tuning my guitar I can't even find a B# note anywhere on it. I've been up and down the neck on every string and it just ain't there. Is there something wrong with my tuner or with my guitar? Maybe they sold me a Dummytouch tuner by accident. Or maybe that Richard Hoover guy forgot to install all the notes on my guitar. Come to think of it, Ive never found the E# note on it either.

Sincerely,

Anne Arthur-Dumas

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:34 PM

Sorry I wasn't clear about it, Dr. Guitar. Yes, it is my friends I want to play with. I call them my friends although it is getting harder and harder each weekend to find where they are playing. They keep forgetting to let me know. (And they're not even old.)

Can you help?

Your friend,

Alone Alot

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:41 PM

Dear Guest Richie,

I find this a particularly common problem with our guitar playing colleagues of the fairer gender.

G-string failure in such cases is usually a result of the G-string becoming worn at particular points, particularly where it traverses the saddle.

I do not believe it necessary for you to go to the trouble of sending your wife to me in this case as a servicable repair may be effected by applying graphite to the particular areas of friction between G-string, saddle and bone, paying particular attention to the area where the G-string passes through the slot. A convenient product is that used by motorcyclists for their drive chains. This will tend to lubricate the passage of the G-string as it moves and, in addition, can often alleviate those common "squeaking" noises one frequently finds in these situations.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 12:54 PM

Dear Doctor Guitar,
Reading through this months issue (No.235) of "Play in a day, the easy guide to musical excellence") it suggests that I learn about scales.Can you give me any pointers?
I've asked in the usual plaices, i.e. the fishmongers and my local supermarket, to no avail.
Also could you give me some advice on amplification as I expect to be offered a tour anytime soon? I do already own an amplifier but its volume knob only goes to number 10 and I would expect to be needing something more powerful.
With regard to my guitar, would I be right in assuming that a "Loud 'un" is the right choice of instrument for touring?
I await your reply with baited breath,
Yours,
R.Sole.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 01:03 PM

(Incidentally I have been asked (twice, by different people, both women as it happens. sob) to show someone where to put their fingers, "No. no. I don't want to learn all the chords, I don't have the time. Just show me where to put my fingers so I can play along.")

Thanks for this invaluable service, Dr. Guitar. And my sincere appreciation to J. Hardly for bringing it to our attention.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Don Firth
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 01:44 PM

Dear Dr. or Mr. Guitar (or whoever's minding the store),

I guess I got it all wrong! Like Peg, I heard that it was easier to learn with TaB, so I drank a lot of the stuff while I was practicing. The problem with that was that every time I tried to sing, all I could do was burp. I figured that they must have changed to formula or something, so I tried drinking beer instead. I lost a lot of practice time because after a few beers, I'd have to keep running to the biffy to relieve myself. And if I practiced longer (drinking more beer, of course) to make up for the time I had to stand there taking a leak, I found that I tended to fall off the chair a lot.

I had to go on a twelve-step program, I have to spend a lot of time going to a urologist, and I still can't play worth a damn. I just thought my story might help others to avoid the mistakes I've made.

I. P. Freely

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 02:54 PM

Dear Dr Guitar,

I know I'm suppose to tune my "A" string at 4:40.

Is that AM or PM?

And at what time am I to tune my other strings?

Waiting anxiously for your reply (as it's already a quarter to two),
Phil Harmonic

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 03:09 PM

lol

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 03:16 PM

Dear MR. Guitar,

Do you know anyone who would like to buy a used backpacker's guitar? It doesn't hold as much as I thought it would. Nor is it at all useful for carrying water.

Maybe I need a new guitar.

And... if I may further impose with a related question--

Will a dreadnought really help with my phobias?

Please respond privately in a plain brown wrapper. In my line of work, sometimes publicity is NOT helpful.

~Burke Innstocke

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 03:22 PM

Dear Mr. Guitar,

I don't think our Little League coach knows what he is talking about; maybe you can shed some light on this matter.

How come whenever our son tries to use his guitar to slide, the referee keeps yelling, "Raise the NUT! RAISE the NUT!"???

I thought fully-descended testicles were a GOOD thing. Is there something about using guitars that makes retraction necessary, and if so, why only ONE, and WHICH one???

~Worried Mom

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: DADGBE
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 03:36 PM

Howdy Doc. Good advice yer doling out here. I, myself have taken on the title of "Physician's Assistant Guitar." While I'm not in your league yet, I've been playing for 4 full weeks now so I already found out most of what there is to know. Try this - attach all the strings to one tuner. It really speeds up tuning.

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Don Firth
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 04:05 PM

Dear Mr. Dr. Guitar,

I thimpk I c'n hannel thish one. . . .

No, no, no, DADGBE (dagnabbit!), that's not the way to attach the strings. It may be faster to tune, but other guitar players'll look at you funny. After I switched from TaB to beer, I discovered the right way to do it. Click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page to the last picture.

I. P. Freely

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Don Firth
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 04:16 PM

Works even better on a 12-string.

Freely again

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 04:17 PM

Dear A Tru Fokey,

While Dr. Guitar's advice regarding your friends jazz-chord-omania is sound and should be well considered, the particular school where we matriculatrd favors a simple procedure known as a "massive fretectomy". While jazz-chord-omania may be cured by simply removing the jazz chords from the guitar, the procedure requires months or even years of regular counseling to ensure that no relapse occurs. Massive fretectomy is the simple procedure of removing all but the five lowest frets from the guitar, thus making it impossible for the infectee to play most jazz chords. It seems like a cruel and heartless procedure, but most guitarists adjust to it in about the same length of time that it takes for a neutered tomcat to adjust to having had his balls cut off. With this simple procedure, your freiend will be back to playing G, C, and D in no time flat.

Sincerely,

Dr. O.M. Dreadnought

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 04:40 PM

Oh, I get it-- a homeopath!

~S~

Subject: RE: Dear Mr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 06:27 AM

Dear Anne Arthur-Dumas,

This appears to be an innate problem with Intellitouch tuners and is related to their sensitivity.

As the Intellitouch is sometimes incorrectly attached to the headstock of the guitar, rather than the correct placement on one's ear as described above, it picks up all vibration within the guitar. When switching on, it naturally picks up the innate vibration of the guitar when no string is being plucked, in other words background "white noise". This is always in the key of B# which is not a key installed on the guitar.

You will not find E# on an Intellitouch. This is, in fact the natural frequency of vibration of the universe and, as such, the ability to detect it is normally reserved for very expensive and sensitive astronomical instruments.

I would conclude, therefore, that your Intellitouch is functioning correctly.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar