Lyr Add: wrote this for a friend (Memories Stay)

Subject: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Amergin
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 12:36 PM

Well...I wrote this for a friend...who's brother was killed in Bali...and well i was wondering what you all thought before i sent it to her...

Memories Stay (title not in stone as yet)
(tune: Water is Wide)

There is a candle it burns right well
Shining bright in my heart it dwells
But the wind it came strong and stout
And blew that bright burning candle out

Oh, he was staying there in Bali Town
When the bombs blew the hotel down
And the blast shook me to the bone
For now he'll never be coming home

I see him coming through the door
I hear his steps stomp across the floor
I hear his voice whisper soft and clear
As my fingers feel my hot wet tears

In the window a candle burns bright
Calling him home in the dark night
The pain it fades as the years go by
But the memories stay in my heart nearby

nt



Thanks...

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: MMario
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 12:46 PM

'gin - I would put the second verse last if it were me. Other then that all I can say is "goose bumps".

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 12:48 PM

I think that it is a fine song, Amergin.

Tom Hamilton

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: artbrooks
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 12:53 PM

Were it me (and I can't even write BAD poetry), I think I'd leave out the second verse entirely, or find an alternative to "When the bombs blew the hotel down". That line evokes a different, and more violent, image than the rest of it does.

Please understand that I only commented because you asked. The entire thing is excellent.

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: GUEST,glenda 53 at work
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 01:07 PM

Excellent work. I wouldn't change a thing. IMHO
g

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Declan
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 01:18 PM

A great piece of work. A few small suggestions :

The first two lines of the second verse don't work for me either. Is there a Bali Town ? I don't know. I'd have another look at these.

Line one in verse 4 would scan better if it was "A candle burns in the window bright". Line three in that verse might be better as "The pain may fade as the years go by" - just seems that its a bit soon to say that the pain will fade.

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 01:44 PM

Ya... nice... but I agree... the 2nd verse is out of place... maybe try some circumlocution... talk about it, without stating it directly...

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Amergin
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 04:09 PM

how's this for the second verse?


my heart stopped beating when the phone rang
I heard the news as the salt tears sang
The blast it shook me to the bone
For now he'll never be coming home

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Amos
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 04:15 PM

Amergin:

Wind is hardly ever thought of as "stout". You could call it "stark" and rhyme it with "turned that burning candle dark..." or "bold and cold, or grim and dim, or shift it around some other way.

A nice piece of work, man!


A

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: MMario
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 04:20 PM

Amos - "a stout wind" is actually a pretty common phrase

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 08:58 PM

It's wonderful! Send it!

Stephen Lee

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Amergin
Date: 25 Oct 02 - 03:44 PM

ok here's what looks to be the final product...thanks all...

The Memories Stay
(tune: Water is Wide)

There is a candle it burns right well
Shining bright in my heart it dwells
But the wind it came strong and stout
And blew that bright burning candle out

My heart stopped beating when the phone rang
I heard the news as the salt tears sang
The blast it shook me to the bone
For now he'll never be coming home

I see him coming through the door
I hear his steps stomp across the floor
I hear his voice whisper soft and clear
As my fingers feel my hot wet tears

In the window a candle burns bright
Calling him home in the dark night
The pain may fade as the years go by
But the memories stay in my heart nearby

nt

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: MMario
Date: 25 Oct 02 - 03:48 PM

still giving me chills and goose bumps - good work!

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Amos
Date: 25 Oct 02 - 03:53 PM

Main Entry:        1stout
Pronunciation:        'staut
Function:        adjective
Etymology:        Middle English, from Middle French estout, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German stolz proud; perhaps akin to Old High German stelza stilt -- more at STILT
Date:        14th century
1 : strong of character: as a : BRAVE, BOLD b : FIRM, DETERMINED; also : OBSTINATE
2 : physically or materially strong: a : STURDY, VIGOROUS b : STAUNCH, ENDURING c : sturdily constructed
3 : FORCEFUL ; also : VIOLENT
4 : bulky in body
synonym see STRONG
- stout·ish /'stau-tish/ adjective
- stout·ly adverb


By God, look at that!! I stand corrected, comment withdrawn. Thanks, guys!! Long time!! :>) And here i thought I knew EVERYTHING!


A

Subject: RE: BS: wrote this for a friend
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 25 Oct 02 - 04:38 PM

Stout gives me the wind from time to time...

,-)