Obit: My Wife

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 01 Dec 09 - 10:28 AM

Bless you BBCW... from my mind and heart through your fingers on to this thread.

Most definitely the people of Mudcat help immensely.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 01 Dec 09 - 08:07 AM

Perhaps "move on" was the wrong phrase, but I was in danger of becoming emotionally catatonic. Seeing the vitality of various persons I knew, that represented the "folk world" to me, it showed me that I should not become so for my own health.

I don't suppose that there was a Mudcat or its equivalent back then but the empathy from folkies, so well shown here, was evident just the same.

Best wishes to all.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 01 Dec 09 - 05:10 AM

folk world helped BBCW move on. Well I wouldn't say folk music helped me move "on" from my daughter's passing. More a lateral move. Sometimes the folk music and the folk people make the grief harder, because I want her to have lived to be involved in the music and meet the people.

Anyway

David, here's more thoughts going out to you.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Pistachio
Date: 30 Nov 09 - 10:08 AM

Mudcat hugs still here for you - ((((((((David)))))))


Hazel.x

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 30 Nov 09 - 08:13 AM

I have just realised that my first wife would now have reached twice the age that she was when she died from an aneurism(28).

It took me some time to move on and it was the folk world that did most of the healing for me.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Nov 09 - 12:47 PM

Yeah, I would think so.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 29 Nov 09 - 08:02 AM

I spent the day cleaning out my dead fathers apt. we have to give it back at the end of the month.

I feel 5 shades of shitty right now.

It's probably a good thing I quit drinking after the Jimmy Buffett concert or I'd feel a lot worse.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Gurney
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 10:28 PM

A good friend died suddenly and unexpectedly from undetermined causes a month or so ago.   We still don't quite know what to say to his wife.
All sympathy to you.   

Chris.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: KT
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 10:11 PM

I don't know how I missed this thread before, David. I only thing I can add is that kind thoughts are with you on this November day. May there be some light for you in your memories of laughter and happy times with your dear wife. Be well.   KT

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 08:38 PM

I'm so very sorry, David.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: GUEST,Bobert in Charlotte
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 07:53 AM

Been 13 years for me now... I'd like to say that it gets easier but it doesn't... Just know that keeping her memories alive is the highest praise that you can give wife and also know that she knows full well how much you loved, and continue, to love her...

Here's wishing you both a little peace for this day and your days to come...

Bobert

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 07:44 AM

Hello, friend. Yes, it's been 6 years, hasn't it? You and I have walked a long pathway since then. My life has changed for the better in ways I could never imagine, but just as love never dies, grief never really goes away, either, does it?
May you find more healing and joy in the memories as time flows on.

Allison

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 06:46 AM

Much love to you, David...and oh gosh, Heide is all around you..and she always will be.

What a lady, eh! :0)   

I've just been reading her website, on your link above..such a caring, loving soul, as is the man she chose to spend her short life with. I'm so glad you found one another..and that you're still linked so strongly through your love, even to this day.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 05:54 AM

Reading this thread takes my guts out, however much death stalks us all there's never any dealing with it. Strange though, only yesterday we received the new ISSA / Jane Siberry CD on which, at last, she includes In My Dream which I first heard her perform at Newcastle on her British tour 4 years ago.

I have no conscious memory of my father, who died, aged 30, on Christmas Day 1963 when I was two years old. Listening to Jane (as she was back then) singing In my Dream revealed a memory or a realisation that one upon a time, I too must have ran along with my father through the autumn leaves. Maybe in the autumn of 1961 - or 1962 - when he could still walk at least.

The song takes my guts out too but for those we have lost to come smiling back in our faces telling us to cherish what we have. Here she is singing it solo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LFHgbVk-WE

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: kendall
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 05:46 AM

There is only one thing that can compare with losing a spouse,and that's losing a child.
My deepest sympathies to you.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 05:10 AM

David

I am relatively new to mudcat so only now learning of your loss. 36 is too young.

Thankful for what guest from sanity said... I will try to not to just mark the days when I can be with my daughter again. I will try to remember to include her in the little and big things I do every day and imagine what she would say to this song, that book, this event.

Lovely website by your wife, shows what a kind and caring person she was. I hope you will share some stories about her.

Last May I started a birthday memoriam thread for my Andie to tell, stories about her and record what others have said about her. Helped me share the wonderful girl and young woman that I and others knew. Helped me realise she isn't completely gone. I may not be able to hug her, sing and laugh with her, but she still provided some entertainment and wisdom and vibrancy to the mudcatters who read that thread. So very much alive in a very important way. Not merely physical.

Your memories of Heide can do the same.


Much love

Tamara

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 02:17 AM

David,
When you see her again, you'll know she was never gone.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 12:40 AM

Life is a long, strange trip too. But we all deal with it the best way we can. Call me anytime.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 27 Nov 09 - 10:54 PM

6 years tommorow.

What a long strange trip its been.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 15 Apr 04 - 06:21 AM

I've just come online to see this thread.

My sympathy and loving energy goes out to you, David.

I first came to Mudcat because a mutual friend told me there was a thread on my friend and lover, the late (but not forgotten) Walt Robertson.

I'm only mentioning this because there may indeed come a time when you'd like to share some thoughts about your wife with us, and I know it will be received with appreciation.

Stay well, take the time you need to think or not think, feel or not feel. A loving and supportive community is here for you...xx..e

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 15 Apr 04 - 05:53 AM

That's good news in a sad time, my friend.

Allison

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: SINSULL
Date: 14 Apr 04 - 07:50 PM

I hope you find some peace with the news, Raptor. I keep you in my prayers.
Mary

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 14 Apr 04 - 07:24 PM

Drug Overdose was never in question what we had suspected was a side effect or reaction from the drugs.It has been on the news a lot here in Canada about drug side effects and we feared that we might never have Known the "cause" it gives us some closure!

Raptor

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 Apr 04 - 07:19 PM

Thanks, LH.

~S~

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Apr 04 - 05:40 PM

Was just talking to Raptor, and he asked me to post this:

He just got word from the coroner that according to the medical autopsy evidence, Heidi passed away due to "cardiomyopathy" (heart failure), and not to the effects of a drug overdose. Natural causes, in other words. Raptor is relieved about that, and he wanted me to post it, because he's on the job right now and can't get to a computer.

- LH

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Two_bears
Date: 30 Jan 04 - 06:06 AM

Two Bears, he's fine just as he is.
-----

Susan; If you had read the message; you would see that we are in agreement.

I was trying to tell Raptor that it is only natural for emotions to come up when he saw the videos that he and Heide had intended to rent or buy, and thet he should not beat himself up if he expressed emotions in public.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 06:58 AM

Andres

Your right!

Raptor

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Escamillo
Date: 29 Jan 04 - 12:50 AM

Yes, that's the continuity I was talking about in the "Bereavement" thread, a feeling of loose continuity as opposed to a net division between life and death. It's difficult to explain. For now, I'm here and will give everything I can give to others, especially to our sons.

Un abrazo,
Andrés

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 09:27 AM

Shanghaiceltic thanx it was 2 months ago today that Heide passed! The poems made me smile!

Carol St.Johns

Raptor

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 28 Jan 04 - 08:51 AM

Hi David/Raptor,

I was saddened by your loss especially in a person so young.

I had to attend the funerals of two relatives a few years ago all in the space of one week. My mother and my father in law. I am not a believer as such but two poems were read that I found beautiful and spoke of hope and healing;

I am not there;

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond that glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Death is ntohing at all...

I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I, and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar names, speak to me,
In the easy way in which you always used,
Put no difference into your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow,
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together,
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be for ever more a household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant:
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligable accident.

Best regards

Frank (AKA Shanghaiceltic)

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: CarolC
Date: 27 Jan 04 - 10:49 AM

That's very cool, David. Which part or parts are they from?

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 03:38 PM

My family is from the rock

David

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 02:40 PM

No, we haven't made the trip to Nfld yet. I'm very much looking forward to that. We're hoping to get up there this coming summer. It's very cool that you got married there. How did you decide on that location?

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 02:28 PM

Carol has Jack had you see St.Johns yet? Heide and I got married on Signal Hill! And stayed at the Battery! She loved it! I might bring her ashes back there!

David

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 02:20 PM

Raptor, I expect that I will meet you at some time in the future, and I'm looking forward to that. But I'm very sorry I will not have the opportunity to meet Heide. She sounds like my kind of people. Especially her appreciation of rats. I used to have pet rats myself, and I think they're wonderful.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 11:43 AM

Two Bears, he's fine just as he is.

~S~

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Two_bears
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 11:17 AM

It used to be embarising but now I'm triing to have fun with it! When people came up to me to ask if I was alright I figgered telling them The truth would only set me off worse so I blubbered "Old Yellers Gone!" And they quickly got out of my way. Cleared the line up too!
-----

You have nothing to be embarassed about. Part of you hass gone beyond the veil, and it is only natural for you to be affected that way.

Please give yourself a break.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: *daylia*
Date: 26 Jan 04 - 09:57 AM

I can hardly see through my tears after reading through it, David, but Heide did a great job on that treasure of a website. Thank you for posting it. I like what she says about preferring to adopt animals rather than buying them.

Are you still taking donations in her memory for the "help a small animal fund"?

I'm so glad you're getting to the point now where you can express the grief and tears and feel okay about it, even in public. It's only going to get easier as time goes by, too. I've never lost a lover or spouse the way you have, but I have grieved the loss of a VERY close friend due to other circumstances. I remember breaking down in tears the way you describe, whenever something would remind me of him or the way we used to work/play together. Some parts of me had changed during that relationship ... I'd "picked up on" a few of his attitudes, his "turns of phrase" etc -- the way people do when they spend a lot of time together. I had to accept, express and then make peace with my own memories and the emotions attached to them before I could even "stand myself" again. It took a couple years, but it DID happen ..... so take heart, my friend.

Way to go at Blockbuster! I only wish I'd been there to see the look on people's faces. That crazy sense of humour of yours is one of your "saving graces" I think ... so "cultivate" it all you can ok? And your music, too ... hey, maybe that brand-new mandolin of yours would sound good with my Native American flute!

I know it's embarrassing to cry in public, even over a such a grievous loss as the one you're going through. Well, Heide's stories about her beloved rats brought this memory back to mind ...

My twin boys had pet rats for a couple years, and much to my surprise, I really came to enjoy them. And I learned quite a bit too ... for instance, did you know that the word for "Rat" is the same in just about every language on earth?

When the rats first arrived, I started realizing just how much the English language is "prejudiced" against rats -- (like "yuk what a ratty old blanket" ... or "I'm gonna RAT on you!" or "What a rat that guy is!").   I made every effort to purge myself of this "species-bigotry" ... but that's beside the point.

Rats have a short lifespan, and by the time the family rats were on their last legs, my sons had unfortunately switched their attention, loyalty and affection to my new kitten, the Roo. So I ended up doing the bulk of the caring for the rats myself. Even though I'd developed quite the allergy to them (and rats are the ONLY animals that ever gave me hives!) it became very hard to see them go.

The last survivor was our "King of the Cage", a black and white hooded rat named "The BAHHH!" (my kid's choice, I never did figure that one out!) I'd moved his cage into the furnace room, where it was nice and warm for his tired old bones. Well, my father and two furnace repairmen were in there working the morning I discovered The Bahhh! had finally taken flight for that Happy Rat-Hole in the Sky. I felt like quite the idiot, breaking down uncontrollably in tears, right in front of those strange men. I even had to ask them to remove him from the cage for me, so I could bury him, because I couldn't even touch him at that point without a severe allergic reaction. They were looking at me like I was absolutely nuts, so broken up over such a "lowly" and (for me anyway) "sickening" creature.

But they had enough compassion to send me away, once they finished laughing at me. They even buried him for me.

Anyway, sorry to go on so long, and thank you for the opportunity to share my experiences with rats and grieving. Call me ANYTIME, David, and hang in there ...

Love and blessings,

Michelle

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 06:32 PM

She loved her critters!

David

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 12:45 PM

Beautiful site, David.

Allison

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 11:25 AM

I think Heide was very wise. At the website she says, "Bits of my heart continue to go missing. But I wouldn't trade our time together--short as it is--for anything."

~Susan

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Jeanie
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 11:09 AM

Thanks for the link to Heide's lovely website, David/Raptor. So much to read on it, I have only dipped into it so far - I particularly loved the story of "Smudgie" and the photo of "Jabba the Cat" - what a pose ! There are some great characters on that site - not least, of course, your lady herself.

Sending good thoughts and every good wish your way,

- jeanie (owner of Scuff, the Escapologist Hamster who Out-Houdinied Houdini)

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 09:36 AM

Heide loved animals and we had a few of them

Her website

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 09:16 AM

I break down every once in a while in the strangest places, yesterday it was in Blockbuster video store looking at movies Heide and I planned to rent!

It used to be embarising but now I'm triing to have fun with it! When people came up to me to ask if I was alright I figgered telling them The truth would only set me off worse so I blubbered "Old Yellers Gone!" And they quickly got out of my way. Cleared the line up too!

It's stupid shit like that, that I pull, that got Heide to fall in love with me!

She spent the last 12 years laughing at me as well as with me!

David

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Pistachio
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 07:02 PM

David, I've picked this up on Allisons BS Bereavenment thread. I send hugs and my heartfelt sympathy to you across the miles from East Yorkshire.
I don't want to get on the 'how to grieve' angle but on the 'what can help' angle. I suggest that too soon we forget how much that message / call / thought/ really counts. KEEP IN TOUCH. The griever may not react to every call or offer of help. Remember they cannot be expected to think too clearly while still in shock. I believe Allison, through her sadness, still recognises just how much love is generating towards her and I hope David can gain from that same love. David, take the time to keep in touch, give yourself time to grieve and don't be afraid to cry. It is allowed! I'm sure that your beloved wife would expect nothing less! Take care.

Hazel

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Two_bears
Date: 07 Jan 04 - 07:22 AM

Hey Raptor:

How have you been doing? I have not heard from you in a while.

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Escamillo
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 03:44 PM

I've put a brass plate in my wife's grave, that reads "DON'T FORGET ME", because she knows that I will not forget her, and I only pray for her to remember me when we meet somewhere some day. I'm going to beleive that life is not absolute life and death is not absolute death, because I feel that we are still connected. I've lost fear and respect for death in the meantime.

Un abrazo,
Andrés

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 10:12 AM

There is nothing I can say or do which will make you fell any better right now. I know because my wife died two years ago. The only thing that you can do is to keep moving. Her memory will stay with you for the rest of your life. You may not believe it at the moment, but that's a GOOD thing. Cherish the time that you had together. As time progresses you wil realize more and more how lucky you are to have had it. It has already made you a different person than you were when it started. It will continue to change you as you move and grow in life.

My prayers are with you.

Stephen Lee

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Raptor
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 08:55 AM

I'm copeing thanks to all for sympathies and condolinses!

I'm sorry about your Brother Big Tim!

David

Subject: RE: Obit: My Wife
From: Angiemac
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 05:20 PM

My deepest sympathies to you and yours, may god bless you at this time. Angie