BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw

Subject: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 12:25 PM

I know many of you have read this before but every year as Christmas approaches I can't help but remember the first time I met Cletus, Paw, and Buford......

I had noticed an area on Rt. 664 just outside of our little village being carefully prepared and roped off as I drove by and every now and then there were these three guys working there, building a little shed and driving stakes into the ground about 6 feet apart. It finally dawned on me that they were getting ready to sell Christmas trees. Now I have always gotten ours from the same place for years, but the prices were getting pretty steep so I kept an eye out for new sources. The day they put up the lights, I stopped to see when they'd be bringing the trees in.

As I got out of the van I couldn't help but notice that these three, from all appearances, were a bit "down on their luck" and it made me want to help them out a bit. One of them, an angular and lean character came up to me and introduced himself as "Cletus." I asked about the trees and he was glad to tell me all about them in that way which I've since learned to interpret. There is, I now know, a sort of "Cletus-speak" that requires a certain knowledge of him that I didn't have then. At that time however all I could seem to understand was that they were "working on them."

These many years later, that kind of phrase would set off alarms, but I didn't know Cletus then so I thought it was just an odd hilljack way of phrasing things. Paw came over and I liked the old guy a lot right away. He said he'd seen me before and I remembered him as well......something about the sewage plant and the day it exploded. I couldn't place what it was that this guy had to do with it but the correlation seemed quite vivid. I shook his hand and he farted in return.

I had never met anyone who was quite so casual with flatulence. Paw used it almost as punctuation......."How ya' doin'?" (rriippp) "Purty day ain't she?" (bbraawwmmpp)..........Let's just say it took some getting used to and made it easy to understand why this old coot could probably not find gainful employment. But for all that, he was a friendly cuss who told me they called him Paw because he was from Paw-Paw, West Virginia. He pointed out the other fellow named Buford who was involved in extricating himself from a string of Christmas lights that seemed to have attacked him. Even from a distance, the unmistakable smell of Iron City brew was pretty strong. I figured he spilled about the same amount on himself as he drank and I later found this to be not only true, but the amounts involved were prodigious.

All in all, I couldn't help but like them even if they were, well, let's just call them odd and drop it right there. They told me the trees would be in and they'd be open for business on Friday at 6 PM. I left shaking my head at the idea of bringing Karen and the kids here with these guys to "pick out the tree" as was so traditional with our family, but what the hell? We could at least check them out.

On Friday afternoon Karen and I were going into Lancaster and as we passed by I pointed out the place, not that it was really necessary to point. I'd never seen anything quite so garish in my life but it was one of those gray Ohio days, very cold and occasionally spitting snow so perhaps it was the contrast......perhaps not. Karen was making comments about the place, but as we drove past we could both see the trees that were now in place. Surprisingly enough, they looked magnificent! All were very full and perfectly shaped and a greener bunch of Christmas trees I'd never seen. Even at 65 mph, Karen saw one on the far end of the first row that she said was absolutely "the one!" Since she and our kids were going to spend the night with Connie and go shopping on Saturday, I promised her I'd stop back and get the tree and forget the tradition for one year.

So on my return trip I looked at my watch and saw that I'd arrive about the time Cletus told me they would open and sure enough, I was the first one there. Cletus, Paw, and Buford, greeted me as a long lost friend. They were really in the Christmas Spirit and offered me some of their "spirits." Friends, there is 'Shine and then there is 'Shine and whatever it was they had in the Mason jars was not. I found out later that this was a homebrew of their own and made not from corn, but soybeans instead, and distilled through an old radiator off a Mack. Luckily I only tasted it, but that single gulp went down like a 4-stage rocket, taking my breath away, and immediately starting to bore a hole in my stomach. After the coughing subsided I gave them the common courtesy line you use upon tasting any 'Shine..........."Smooth!"

They were all adorned themselves with some of the seediest Santa hats I had ever seen and were ready for business. They said I was the first customer and I nodded appreciatively while glancing about at the trees. Even up at a closer viewing they seemed almost perfectly formed and beautifully green and I thought the light snow must be the reason they glistened so under the glaring bulbs. It was dark now and the temperature had dropped to about 25 with a nasty northwesterly blowing in a chill from Alberta. My eyes were no longer crossed from the 'Shine and I slowly became aware that something was odd about the trees. They weren't moving at all. Not a branch, not a needle, absolutely nothing was moving although the breeze was pretty stiff. Paw commented on the weather and let fly an air biscuit as I walked over to the tree Karen had seen earlier. I reached out to touch it and it was positively stiff!

I felt several branches and the whole thing down to the smallest needle was like glass. I put a little extra pressure on a needle and it shattered in my gloved hand. What the hell was this anyway? Cletus came up and asked how I liked them as Paw and Buford tossed scrap wood in a barrel to start a warming fire. I said I thought these were real trees, but they seemed to be artificial. Cletus protested they were real.......and recycled. Once in awhile you hear sommething that is so completely ridiculous that it takes some time before you can absorb the fact that the speaker is also completely serious. Recycled Christmas trees. My mind was slowly opening to the sound of Cletus' voice proudly telling the tale of how they collected them last year and then formed them up, glued in branches with rubber cement, gave them several coats of shellac, painted them with spray cans of "Yew Be Green" epoxy, and topped the job off with several coats of lacquer.

I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. Cletus noticed I was a bit pale and pulled me by the arm over to the shed where Paw and Buford had finished filling the barrel with wood and were dumping gasoline onto the contents. Cletus said that I should have another drink and then Paw asked if I was cold. I nodded vacantly, my mind still unable to absorb the insanity which surrounded me. Then I heard Cletus say, "Hey Paw, show him how we light a fire."

With that, Paw bent over pointing his butt at the barrel, Buford held a Zippo to his ass, and Paw ripped a monster of a fart, something akin to a Cherry Bomb in it's magnitude. An enormous flame shot out of his ass and ignited the barrel which flared high in the air. But it was a truly huge blaster and the flames not only ignited the barrel, but the nearest recycled Christmas trees. Coated as they were with such a combustible mixture, they didn't catch fire, they friggin' exploded! Bits of flaming plastic-like shards went flying away on the wind to explode the next tree, and the next, and the next. Within 30 seconds every tree was flaming brightly and in less than a minute the flames were gone and 50 smoldering sticks were all that remained. None of us had moved and Paw was still bent over and looking over his shoulder at the charred remains of their business.

The next day when I picked Karen up, we stopped at our usual place and picked out a lovely Frazier Fir. I had told her the story and that I figured that here was a case where a single fart may not have saved the world, but at least did save 50 home fires. We stopped at their place and the boys were cleaning up the mess and told us it probably meant a Christmas that would be a little bleak for them. Karen is a kind soul and right then and there invited them to our place for Christmas Day. She said they should come early and maybe Santa will have left something for them and that they would be welcome for Christmas dinner too. As we drove home I tried to explain that this probably wasn't a great idea but Karen felt pretty bad for them and they had cheerfully accepted her invitation.

On Christmas morning they arrived at 6 AM and the day went downhill from there. But that's another story.

So friends, no matter how bad it is and how you feel, there is always a friend out there for you. Even if you're obnoxious, nasty, and haven't bathed in a month, there is always the chance that if you can light a good fart, miracles will occur. Or how did it go in "It's a Wonderful Life?" "Every time a laquered tree farm burns down, an Angel gets a Zippo?" Well, something like that..........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 12:47 PM

So now we're recycling? That's good, Spaw!! You're one of the few commodities about which I woudl say "recycled is better than none"!!

:>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 01:54 PM

Thanks, Spaw. Just last night I was trying to explain Cletus and Paw and the Reg Boys to a fairly normal woman from Herkimer, NY. She smiled and nodded a lot but I could tell she just didn't get it. Especially when I got tp the part about Jerry Falwell and the garage. Now I can introduce her to our beloved friends slowly.

How is Cletus. I miss seeing him at our Hearme Concerts. The offer to take him to see an opera is still open.

SINS

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 10:39 PM

Sins, first I am not accusing you of aging or anything but as you get older, a woman like yourself.....bright, intelligent, articulate, and not given to the "classic" pattern of polyester pantsuits and the like........begins to find people looking at them slightly askew. By trying to explain Cletus and Paw and all, you are adding to the problem and as the years pass you will come to be known as "that crazy old woman down the street." And believe me, taking Cletus to an opera will only serve to accelerate the process even more.

Much Love with Great Concern for Your Future,

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 11:02 PM

Huh? "Cletus and Paw"? What is this shit? All I can say is...

"William...William Shatner...King of the Last Frontier"

(sing it!)

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: artbrooks
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 12:26 AM

Cletus and Paw remain the only people that are able to make William Shatner seem intelligent and articulate.

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: Homeless
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 10:38 AM

"On Christmas morning they arrived at 6 AM and the day went downhill from there. But that's another story."

So when do we get that story, Uncle Spaw? Huh, huh? When? I wanna new story!

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 03:46 PM

For any late newcomers there is a certain twisted and banal website which has a sort of shrine to ALL THINGS CLETUS.

The neophyte should probably not spend more than a couple quick minutes at a time to acclimate yourselves properly. Khandu read them all in a single sitting and ..well...is still more than a little unhinged by the experience.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 07:18 PM

Tweeds place is rich in ponderous and wunnerful tales, no mistake, but there even there is nothing to top the density squared foolhardy madcappery of those Reg boys and Paw, I swan.

Well, I don't, really. That's Dave's department. But anyway they are really rich.

A

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 07:19 PM

And as another year passes, I refresh this turkey once again. Merry Christmas......bah-humbug!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: SINSULL
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 07:23 PM

And did Tristan get to choose the pick of the litter (pun intended) from Uncle Cletus' lot?
Merry Christmas!
AUNTIE SINS

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: Amos
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 07:57 PM

I can't believe I am still here, receiving this old hardened fruitcake for another year... :D


A

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 08:17 PM

Perhaps you're here waiting for one bright and shining moment of true clarity......you'll find it......LOL

Spaw(:<))

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 11:55 PM

So what happened Christmas Day?

I'm all agog with eggnog...

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: GUEST,Tweed
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 12:41 PM

....sniff....snarkh...HAAAWCKKHHH~PHOOOOOIEEE!!
Dang Spaw, thet tale allus brings tears to my eyes ebvery year. Chritsmas wiffout Spaw blowin' somphing up is like the holidays wiffout "Miracle on 34th Street", or that obvther one with Jimmy Stewart..."The Giant Rabbit in my Stocking Hung by the Fire". Mebbe it were "Hung by his Nuts"...I cain't remember.

Anyhow, Merry X-mas Spaw and thanks for refreshin' this thing. I reckon that you and CLETUS, Pa, and the canadian fellers are on the outs lately or thar would be some new tales and adventures. What habv caused this terrible riff, by the way?

Yores,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 02:00 PM

Argh! The agony, the sheer dross of it all! Argh!

Subject: RE: BS: BuyingYourChristmasTreeFromCletus&Paw
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 02:14 AM

bah-humbug!!! pure plagarism, that is!**bg**

Good to read this Classic, once again, Spawdarlin'...thanks for the resurrection and Light.:-)

luvyakat