BS: First Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:43 PM

ok, who likes puns?

An anthropologist returned from spending a year studying the natives on one of the South Sea islands. His friends asked him if he had anything unusual to report. The man replied that this particular tribe had discovered palm leaf suppositories for use when they were constipated.
    "Do they work?" he was asked.
    "Do they ever!" he replied, "with fronds like these, who needs enemas?!"
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   Because his trip to North America took so long, Leif Ericson returned home only to learn that his name had been removed from the list of village inhabitants. He complained to the village chief, who relayed the adventurer's displeasure to the village statistician.
    "I'm so sorry," said the census keeper. "I must have taken Leif off my census!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:36 PM

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Running low on fuel, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high-octane pump. "What can I do fer y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with premium, please," replies the driver.
    While the attendant is filling up the tank, he looks the car up and down, and asks, "What kinda' car is this? I ain't never seen one like it befer."
    "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."
    "What-all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
    "Well," says the driver, "It has everything: It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-disk CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8-liter V12 engine."
    "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really somethin'!"
    "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "Thata be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change, mixed up with some golf tees. "What're dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
    "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
    "Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:31 PM

So THAT'S what it is. Thanks, Mickey191.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mickey191
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:22 PM

Old man goes for routine physical, and the doctor pronounces him in good form. Old man attributes it to his closeness to God. He tells the Dr. that at night when he has to pee, God turns the light on for him. When he's finished, God turns the light out for him.

The Dr. is afraid the man may be delusional, so he calls the man's wife explaining about the light going on & off. The wife says,"Oh Boy, he's peeing in the refrigerator again."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 05:22 PM

An Accordian player and a Trombone player get together and form a duo, to play a gig on New Years Eve. The show was a big hit with the crowd who were dancing all night and just having a blast. So after the show, the club owner comes over to them and says "That was great. I didn't know what to expect when I hired you, but you guys were fantastic. Could you play here again for next New Years Eve?" The two guys muttered to each other for a minute and replied "Yes, we would love to, but is it OK if we leave our stuff here?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 12:26 PM

Bill and Doug are on the golf course. Bill slices the ball on a drive and narrowly misses two ladies in the next fairway. Doug says, "Man, you better go apologize to them." Bill gets halfway there, looks, turns around and comes back. Doug asks what's up. Bill says, "Well, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress. So, could you please go make the apology?" Doug goes, gets halfway there and returns. Bill says, "What?" Doug says, "Small world, isn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 06 Jan 04 - 10:30 AM

"It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush." —Bill Maher, on Saddam's capture

"For the last four days, they've been interrogating Saddam Hussein. ... He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said 'Oh sure, I'd run into him at industry functions, but I didn't really know him.'" —David Letterman

"Saddam's daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book." —Jay Leno

"When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner" —Conan O'Brien

"I'm watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned — but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?" —Jon Stewart

"It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the term 'A-hole' has been used to describe him so many times." —Jay Leno

"They took a DNA sample from him — that's gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'" —Jay Leno

"When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn't want him caught — the Democratic candidates." —Jay Leno

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 01:21 PM

"   Tiring of the city life, a New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we compromised and called it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
    "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
    "None of them survived the branding!"


_________________________________________________________________

    This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what he'd like. The guy says, "I'd like a quickie". The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?" The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily.
    Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'!

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This guy is studying to be a proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt. He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing: "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." !
    The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags him back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again ("...On the road again...")
    The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.
    "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
__________________________________________________________________

    A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple in a car with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
    "What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
    "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater."
    "How old are you two, son?" the officer asked.
    "I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 01:14 PM

Quotes from God that don't get much notice....

"Do you really think I watch over the survivors of plane crashes, tornadoes, and other Acts of Me, and say to hell with those who aren't so lucky? -- God."

"I'm in the details. -- God."

"Elijah and Amos and Paul and St. John spoke for me. Falwell? No. Huck? No. -- God."

"I told Jonah, 'Hey, count your blessings, he could've had teeth.' -- God

"I'm the first refuge of scoundrels. -- God."

"If your last rites are your first rites, might as well not bother. --God." "

"Yeah, I created Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, but I didn't elect him. --God 'The God' God."

"They really sucked in Sodom and Gomorrah. No, I mean they really sucked. --God."

"That part about honoring your father and mother. Forget it if they're lawyers." --God.

"I asked Job where he was when I laid the foundations of the universe and he said, 'I don't know, probably fishing.' -- God."

"Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things, and causeth most of the teen pregnancies. --God."

"I love Mormons but they sure are weird. --God."

"Y'all are all just like Adam, you don't appreciate how good you've got it till it's gone. -- God."

"Preacher, if you use Thunderbird or on-sale grapejuice for the Holy Communion so you can pocket the savings, you must be one crazy son-of-a-gun. -- God."

"If the world hateth you, if men revile you, and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you, remember, nobody put a gun to you head and made you run for president. -- God."

"The lion and lamb may lie down together but only one of them will get up afterward. -- God."

"What do you think ol' Ezekiel might have been smoking? -- God."

"No, not that Madonna. --God."

"The Ark thing where I melted all those Nazis was pretty good, even if I do say so myself. -- God."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Pseudolus
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:21 PM

A nun goes to the mother Superior and says, "Mother Superior, I must confess, today, I cursed and used the Lord's name in vain." The Mother Superior asked what happened. The nun replied, "Well, I was golfing and I hit the drive of my life, the ball climbed and climbed, I thought it would never come down and all of a sudden it hit a bird and fell straight down into the fairway." "Well that would upset me as well, but...." The nun interuppted and said, "No it wasn't that, that got me upset." "Well then, what was it my child?" The nun continued, "All of a sudden a squirrell ran across the fairway and picked up the ball and into the woods it ran." "So that was it?" the Mother Superior asked. "No, that wasn't it either". "Well then, what was it child????" "Well, then another bird swooped down, grabbed the squirrell, carried it over the green and the squirrell spit out my ball and it rolled six inches from the cup." The Mother Superior thought about this for a moment and then smiled and said, "You missed the fuckin putt didn't ya?????"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:07 PM

Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family.

The sauce was the highlight of the evening’s topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead.

As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom sauce!"

We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience.

We got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 07:29 AM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:50 AM

Buddy walks into the psychiatrist's office, wearing only Saran Wrap for pants.

Shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 07:46 PM

So, that's who the Official Greeter is. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: michaelr
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 07:14 PM

Why, does Mick work at Wal-Mart?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: JedMarum
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 06:21 PM

Great stuff, Cluin - but don't show 'em to Big Mick!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 05:36 PM

Things to do at Wal-Mart:


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code Three in Ladies Wear" and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look, using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, whisper "Pick me... Pick me..."

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 05:18 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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The current joke thread is getting rather large and slow loading - so I started this one.

The joke is that this post has no joke....

Robin