BS: Helpful hints

Subject: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 12:29 PM

I feel sure we all have "helpful hints" we can share with fellow Mudcatters to help each other through the day.

I'll start us off.
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: CarolC
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 12:50 PM

Never shoot the driver.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 01:08 PM

Don't post on threads which are a waste of time
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: CarolC
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 01:17 PM

And which threads would those be, Georgiansilver?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: CarolC
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 01:18 PM

( ...for instance, posting to this thread made me laugh and brought just a little extra enjoyment to my day. Is laughter and enjoyment a waste of time?)

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 01:21 PM

Pain from an ingrown toenail can be stopped promptly and permanently by removal of the affected toe, if possible with a good heavy cleaver.

Acne is equally responsive to surgical treatment.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 01:23 PM

When people are being difficult they are probably projecting. It helps to remember this.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 01:28 PM

I did a project once on The Isle of Wight. I traced around map of the coastline. It was really difficult.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 03:28 PM

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sorcha
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 03:35 PM

Pliers and beer work wonders on abcessed teeth.
Don't put chicken bones down the bog.
Never put a dead cat in a rubbish bin.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: frogprince
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 03:39 PM

Come now, Sorcha; if no one ever puts a dead cat in a rubbish bin, whatever will Sir jOhn do for a topic of conversation?...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 04:11 PM

Don't throw bikes in his garden, either!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sorcha
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 04:15 PM

Or bricks!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 04:36 PM

Keep fit.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,SueB
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:22 PM

Always teach your children the anatomically correct words for all their body parts. Then when you have rushed your child out of a restaurant bathroom because you are in a hurry to get to the movie on time they can insist loudly, as you are dragging them past the other diners, "But Mom, my VULVA is still wet!" and have the satisfaction of knowing how impressed everybody is with your child's vocabulary...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bobert
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:28 PM

A bumble bee flies faster than a John Deer tractor....

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:29 PM

When looking for good quality childcare, call SueB.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:29 PM

I didn't know a John Deere could fly!


Something new every day, I guess...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Teresa
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:29 PM

Never leave anything cooking on the stove when you have a great idea for saving the world. You might (1) forget in hindsight what that great idea was anyway and (2) be in grave danger of burning down the house!

all's well that ends well. ;) :>

T

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Peace
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:31 PM

Don't get the thermometers mixed up.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: JennyO
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:42 PM

If you are always losing the remote control, tape it to the TV, and you will always know where it is.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Deckman
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:50 PM

Always try to drive a nail with the pointy end toward the wood. Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 11:13 PM

Where does the driver sit, on a nail?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Kaleea
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 03:15 AM

Gee, there are so many helpful hints, where to start? So, um, since the gardening season is soon over for many of us, Try this scientifically proven garden hint--it's a surefire way to use a natural methodism of keeping away garden pests.
   Around the perimeter edges of your garden spot, always place Tiger poop as it deters & keeps the elephants from trampling your veggies, fruits , herbs & flowers in your garden! To this day, I've never had an elephant trample my garden!! It's organic, too.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 03:18 AM

CarolC...What may be a waste of time to me, may not to you and vice-versa..You have to decide that for yourself. I don't want to decide it for you.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 03:20 AM

Don't poke lions with sticks.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Deckman
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 03:32 AM

Never hire a carpenter with new tools! Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 03:47 AM

My friend used to bite his nails.......
Ended up breaking most of his teeth.....
He was a carpenter.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 04:38 AM

Don't eat yellow snow.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,milk monitor
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 04:45 AM

Watch out where the huskies go.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 05:56 AM

Look Both Ways When Crossing the Road

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 05:58 AM

Eat more fish.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 07:56 AM

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST, John O'Lennaine
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 09:47 AM

"Go placidly amid the noise & haste..."

Rotate your tyres.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 12:03 PM

The more members in a band the more people there are to blame for sounding crap.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 05:47 PM

"Green side up!" (surely everyone knows the joke..)

It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide.

Don't do too good a job...folks will begin to expect it!

Rice expands a LOT when cooked.

You always find something in the last place you look...so look there first.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Chris Green
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 05:49 PM

Never lend money to a man wearing rollerskates.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sam L
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 06:19 PM

nice one, JennyO.

Never pick up a hitchhiker wearing a cowboy hat and a hospital gown.

   If you're an old man and go into a bar in your pajamas, somebody   will buy you a drink.

Don't try to start the "wave" at a ballet.

With a few tools, a torch, and metal rod, you can lengthen and bend a backscratcher around so you can scratch your front, also.

Drill a hole in the center of your soap so you won't be left with those little bits at the end.

Save on xerox paper, keep one blank sheet, so when you're about to run out of blank paper you can just copy more.

If your wife or girlfriend asks if you think another woman is attractive, say yes, but then, hesitantly, find specific faults with the woman. (There's a whole world of things that are wrong with utterly beautiful women, things that straight men often don't know or care about--look in women's magazines for ideas.) Then finish with, But still, I'd do her.

If ye hath a garment or piece of garb that sayeth, Do not wash in chlorine bleach, it hath been chemically bleached and yea, verily, do not use any bleaches, lest it yellow.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 06:25 PM

Excellent Fred
"Don't try to start the "wave" at a ballet." now this I have to try!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Moonunit
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 06:30 PM

Depressed people:

Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on Paracetamol, etc...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 06:50 PM

Stock market tip:
Buy low. Sell high.

Weight loss tip:
Exercise more. Eat less.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sorcha
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 09:37 PM

Never put baking soda in tomato juice, esp in a blender.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 09:57 PM

Why not, Sorcha? Sounds like fun.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Deckman
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:02 PM

NEVER call my brother!!! Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:16 PM

Never try to hard boil an egg in a deep fryer.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Teresa
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 10:35 PM

When you're not sure if you've got your socks on the right feet, it's time for an attitude adjustment, or at least some sleep! :D

T

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 11:09 PM

Tomato juice = acidic, like the old vinegar/baking soda volcano for the school's science fair?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 11:25 PM

That's the part that sounds like fun.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 11:37 PM

Don't use a propane torch to trim your hair.
Don't add a hare to your soup, because we all know, no-one likes to find hare in their soup.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 02:32 AM

Never shove yer Granny when she's shavin'.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:40 AM

No matter who you vote for the government always wins.

The only animal that cannot swim is the camel.

use both sides of the paper.

When you buy socks make sure they are all the same that way when you lose one you still have a pair.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:44 AM

Was to get thrown out of a pub:

When the barman asks if you want ice in you drink tell him there is enough water in it already.

When the barman serves up your pint ask if he can put a dram of whisky in it. When he replies yes, Tell him to fill the glass properly next time.

Tell the barman that if he wants to make more money he should serve the customers quicker.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: DMcG
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:45 AM

#1: If after using both sides of the paper you turn it through ninety degrees then you can use both sides of the paper *again* quite legibly, especially if you change the colour of your pen.

#2: Do not try this when undertaking national examinations or producing your business accounts.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 05:41 AM

But don't try the above exercise with toilet paper.....mmmm

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:08 AM

Save on buttons and cotton don't put any on your socks.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:09 AM

save of shoe leather

hop

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:10 AM

ON not of

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 03:39 AM

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking area shouting "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Teresa
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 04:04 AM

If you should find yourself wearing a sock on each foot from two wildly, colorfully different pairs and someone notices, tell them you have a pair just like it at home.

T

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Moses
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 07:34 AM

Parents:-

If you are pushed for time, remember, washing-up usually dries by itself after a while - small children seldom do.

Also:- After a while the dust doesn't get any thicker

And:- If you have to share a treat (sweets/cake etc) between two children and want to avoid the cries of "her share is bigger than mine", get the oldest child to divide the treat and the give youngest first choice. Has never failed for me!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 07:45 AM

If you can find it - it IS tidy (OK?)

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Micca
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 06:40 AM

A tidy desk is the product of a diseased mind or of someone with too much time on their hands.
Never pat a burning dog
You can fool all the people some of the time, and that is usually enough to get elected.
If you think there is some good in everyone, you haven't met everyone
Some people are like wasps at a picnic, they just KNOW how to get up your nose!!
If you have had a lot to drink and you hear someone talking Bollocks, careful, it may be YOU.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 07:16 AM

Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Fred (Beetle) Bailey
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 09:01 AM

Never make love to a porcupine when it's on fire.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 09:02 AM

Al"koi"holics eh??

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST, John O'Lennaine
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 09:48 PM

Measure twice, cut once.

- This rule can actually be more trouble than it's worth. What if you get two different measurements? The rule says nothing about measuring a third time. If you do measure a third time you might end up with three different measurements.

Ah no, my friends, that way lies madness.

My advice to you is to quickly line it up with your eye and then hack right into it.

Your success rate will be far higher than you will have any reasonable right to expect.

Happy carpenting,
John

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 01:23 AM

Measure Three Times,
Cut Twice,
Rebuild Once.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 02:06 AM

Don't buy Sunny Delight, it's shite.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 02:37 AM

"Can't Believe It's Not Butter"?

Bullshit! Erkkk!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 10:23 AM

it takes two to start an arguement.

OH YEAH!!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 10:55 AM

Sez WHO?!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 03:44 PM

When I was first pregnant my Mother's only piece of advice was "You'll find it increasingly difficult to clean the bath, and don't ride a motor bike in your last week of pregnancy"

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 04:12 PM

"...don't ride a motor bike in your last week of pregnancy"

but trampolines are ok?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Blowzabella
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 05:08 PM

Don't make me angry (you won't like me when I'm angry)

Courtesy of The Incredible Hulk (but might apply to me now and again too!)

xx

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Once Famous
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 05:56 PM

Never misplace your glasses if you need them to find them.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 06:12 PM

Short sighted thing to do anyway eh??

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 07:04 PM

When you're young, buy a lifetime supply of identical socks.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: JennyO
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 12:28 AM

Organise your wardrobe into colour-coded sections. Staple matching shoes to each outfit.

Embroider all the days of the week onto your underpants. Each morning you will know which pair to wear.

Wear a baked garlic bulb in your shoe to ward off colds.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 12:48 AM

Never go horseriding when you're pregnant.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 07:09 AM

Never try to get pregnant when you're horseriding.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 10:30 AM

always lift the lid of the pan before starting to wee

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 01:53 PM

Never try to convince police officers that you're sober when you're blatantly not, they won't believe you. i know this from painful experience! :( Ditto for bouncers, bar staff, mothers, etc.

Always make sure that your dinner is actually dead before you eat it.

Beware of cheap ciggarette lighters, for verily they shalt singe thy eybrows...

When confronted by an uncouth gentleman bearing an AK-47, sarcasm is not an option. that only works for action heros.

You know you're sober when you can lie on the floor without having to hold on.

Never trust a man with a beard.

The smaller the monkey, the more likely it is too rip your face of.

When faced with complete disaster, utter defiance is the ONLY recourse!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 03:46 PM

Trampolines must be ok or my Mother would have told me! Probably help you to give birth to a bouncing baby!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Wesley S
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 04:35 PM

In Texas we say -
"Never squat with your spurs on" and "Don't drink downstream from the heard"

And from personal experience I've learned you shouldn't use regular dishwashing liquid in a dishwasher.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 05:41 PM

Never dive off the Humber Bridge.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Janie
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 06:15 PM

Never fart with only two people in the room. Well, two people and a dog might work.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sam L
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 07:14 PM

Have embarrassing nude photos done professionally when you're young.

Don't stand on or above this step, or if you must, be sure your pants are secured so they won't fall around your ankles. It may take you a long time to figure out how to get down.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Janie
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 08:40 PM

If you are over fifty, always garden with a boat's horn at your side so you can attract attention when you bend over to hoist that last shovel of sub-soil, and then can't straighten up.

Janie-who-has-been-there-without-the-horn-one-too-many-times.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 10:32 PM

When gardening and you find that you can;t straighten up after trying to hoist that last shovel of sub-soil, use the shovel to help you straighten up by placing it vertically on the ground and trying to climb up it.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 03:15 AM

Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kills insect stings too.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 03:36 AM

Eat sh*t.....70,000,000,000 flies can't be wrong can they???
Don't eat yellow snow.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 05:31 AM

Probably better to have embarassing nude photos done when you are young than when you are old!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: greg stephens
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 05:46 AM

Don't waste money on binoculars. Stand closer to things.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 05:19 AM

don't put to much tomato in your bacon and tomato sandwidge, it will splop out, and go all over the carpit.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:01 AM

Stamp on any banjo you see. Your ears will love you forever.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:36 AM

Don't claim the 100th post too early.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: greg stephens
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:40 AM

Don't sleep with anyone madder than yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:46 AM

100! I thank you!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: greg stephens
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:01 AM

98 I think, maybe you should try again now.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:02 AM

For George Bush.


From the media, Only talk to Bill O'Reiley and Dr. Phil.

No matter how lame the excuse, keep repeating it. Someone will pretend to believe you and thus you will fool those who are not paying attention.

When someone criticizes you, say that it is bad for morale.

When you criticize someone else well that's just humor.

Smirk when you say everything, then when you screw up, and you know you are gonna screw up, you can pretend you were joking.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:27 AM

For super ted: Count the messages before you post
For astronauts: Fart before you climb into your spacesuit.
For bank robbers: Never sign a receipt.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:30 AM

"Don't sleep with anyone madder than yourself"? No problem there then!!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 09:27 AM

If you consider eating a lot of baked beans...remember you have to sleep with yourself at night!
When breaking wind, always remember that sometimes it may not be wind!
In a so called "Accident", someone is always to blame!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 09:58 AM

If you wee in your wet suit....................





you stew in your own juice.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 09:21 AM

There is no such thing as a "double positive" in the English language.

Yeah right!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,skipy
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 10:20 AM

When climbing a mountain always try to maintain at least one point of contact.

skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 02:54 PM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,skipy
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 03:02 PM

before throwing a condom away rip off the rubber ring at the top and keep it, it will be useful someday as an elastic band

Skipy1

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 10:33 PM

1) The Princess is Blue
2) The Pauper is Brown
3) They're BOTH Barbie!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 05:18 AM

Dave have you actually learnt anything from this 'ere thread or do you regret ever creating it?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 05:36 AM

Shhhh HPB...some of us are taking notes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:24 AM

Exactly Ellenpoly shhhh HPB - some of us are taking notes, you never know when you may need some of the knowledge deposited here. This thread is developing into what could become a much sought after resource for the future.......and for someone who has very white skin, those that are extremely difficult to tan, apply Coca-Cola instead of a tanning cream it will work wonders. Do it with your partner for even more fun - next please

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:27 AM

Don't go out on friday night, drink 12 pints, have a crappy kebab, then 4 mars bars, you will fell crap the next morning.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:48 AM

jOhn you should always fry the Mars bars first I think you will find this helps, and take them out of the wrappers.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:52 AM

oh.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 05:44 PM

I like to share my housekeeping advice.

I find that if you have enough interesting stuff around the house for people to look at then nobody notices that the house is a complete and total mess. (Especially if certain key surfaces are shiny and all the piles of books and papers and stuff are neatly stacked, preferably over the really bad stains.)

My other bit of housekeeping advice can be summed up in one word -- tarps. (Lots of things can be tarps -- rugs, tablecloths, sheets or bedspreads . . .)

And I like to think of cat hair as a mulch -- it keeps the dust off the furniture.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 09:30 PM

When I was very young, Derek Brimstone said
al, never ignore an omen....never ever walk across the M1 with your eyes closed

And Al you must never ever kick a bulldog in the bollocks, if you've got your hand in its mouth

And I've tried to live by this as a sort of code, a paradigm to aspire to, a moral absolute.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 11:41 PM

Never attempt to converse with someone who's just woken up with the mother of all hangovers...you would THINK that was obvious, but no! Several people have had their heads bitten off after attempting this brave, but ultimately foolish, feat...a few of them by me.

Don't eat yellow snow, never trust a man with a beard, don't give the fingers to someone bigger than you- and most importantly, ALWAYS remember that th oompa-loompas are out to get you, and they are VEEEEERY devious, with their sneaky little green haired antics....

*Slaps self* all apologies,folks... i appear to be having an episode of some kind... *twitches frequently and violently* hehehehhahahhahgogogoogo!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,skipy
Date: 03 Oct 04 - 06:42 AM

never walk under a black cat

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Oct 04 - 08:11 AM

Never walk under a cow, unless you want a pat on the head!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: JennyO
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 09:29 AM

...and of course the cure for a person with water on the brain is a tap on the head.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 09:44 AM

and water on the knee...drainpipe trousers.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 07:17 PM

Then there's the words to live by that I gleaned from two different sources --

From a friend in the dip corps (diplomatic service) --

1. Never lie.
2. Never tell all of the truth.
3. Never pass up an opportunity to use the loo.

And from a cowgirl friend --

Keep your drinks money separate from your bail money.

Combined, the advice will keep you out of a LOT of trouble . . .

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 07:35 PM

If you follow this suggestion, you'll never have to weed your garden again:

Just learn the Latin names of all the weeds. If anyone looks askance at your garden, just ask them, "Would you like to see my Portulaca oleracea?" Then make up a story about how your grandmother used to grow it for its medicinal properties, and you grow it now in remembrance of her.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 08:26 PM

The worst people in the world are those with no sense of doubt.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 08:46 PM

I've been told that if you get a couple of coconut shells you can make the sound of a border collie.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 04:00 AM

Just found this new one.

When really depressed....

Go read a bunch of Sir jOhn of Hull's posts.

I feel better every time.

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 04:06 AM

Cheaper than Prozac, and no side effects!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 04:07 AM

Allegedly:

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 05:51 AM

We need a volunteer to test it.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:15 AM

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.

Never purchase a small, stupid, slave- it's not big, and it's not clever.

Never argue with seven desperados, if all you're packing is a six-gun.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:28 AM

The sound of a border collie doing what?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:34 AM

Why! pretening to be a horse on cobblestones!

Skipy1

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Secretfriend
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:37 AM

if your doing something naughty keep your mouth shut

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:47 AM

Don't buy loads of ice cream if youv'e only got a little freezer.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 11:30 AM

Why not jOhn, I'm sure a lady friend could think of something that you could do with the excess!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 11:31 AM

If you're a carpenter/joiner don't bite your nails
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: JennyO
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 11:34 AM

Never use a chainsaw while in the nude!

Years ago when I was married and living out in the country, we had nudist neighbours who actually did this! He did wear his good strong boots though.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:24 PM

A. You don't have to be crazy to be a nudists
B. Some nudists are just as crazy as some other people.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:41 PM

I think rather than strong boots I would have worn strong underpants...one can manage without a foot but......
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:51 PM

But only if you wear Margaret Thatcher's underpants... she wasn't called "The Iron Lady" for nothing...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:56 PM

True, Georgian, I been managing with a little less than a foot,
but I want to keep what I got...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 05:48 PM

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 09:29 PM

..or whom you no longer like...

You may find it easier to rip out entire pages to reduce the size. The resultant few pages are much easier to carry around.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 06 Oct 04 - 07:05 AM

Heavy smokers (and indeed thin ones):
Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Oct 04 - 08:19 PM

...and the fumes they give off will mean that you can give up smoking!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon
Date: 07 Oct 04 - 06:43 AM

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.