BS: Anti Lawyer jokes

Subject: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: JulieF
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 04:38 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Having been slightly disappointed with the response to my anti- true love thread I am now looking for anti-lawyer jokes for my friend. So fire away please.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 04:43 AM

True story:

Friend was buying house in built up area - tarmac and concrete - no streams no grass. Weeks went by, and he asked the lawyer what was the delay. The reply was that there was ggod news and bad news - good news - the lawyer had obtained fishing rights. Bad news - grazing rights were proving very difficult.

My friend said that he would waive grazing rights. Lawyer relieved; deal done.

Stu

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,ragdall
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:41 AM

This site is dedicated to lawyer jokes:
http://www.lawyer-jokes.us/
Is that the sort of thing that you are looking for?

rags

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:57 AM

I don't find one damned thing funny about lawyers.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: JulieF
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 06:06 AM

Brucie

Neither does my friend at the momment - that's the whole point.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 06:59 AM

Hang all the lawyers.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Weasel Books
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 07:03 AM

This is not really an anti-lawyer joke, but had to go into their office to drop off a final payment for something (basicaly legal theft, due to a screwey system they & the banks here have, much too long to go into) and in their office there is a very large and conspicuous oil-painting of a barrister bringing some poor soul, with armed guards behind, to be condemmed in front of what appears to be Judge Jeffries!
Very discomfitting you may well imagine!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 08:46 AM

A drunk stands up in a bar and yells our, "All lawyers are assholes."

On the othe side of the room, another drunk stands up and yells, "Hey, I resent that!."

The first drunk yells back, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The other guy answers, "No....I'm an asshole."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 08:47 AM

Why do lawyers wear neckties?


To keep the foreskin from creeping up over their faces.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 08:49 AM

This is true. There are two guys who hang around the courthouse in New Haven, CT telling these kinds of jokes. (D'ya think they got screwed somewhere along the way?) Well, you can guess what has happened....a lawyer overheard them and has filed a defamation suit against them. Perfect!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Bill the Collie
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 09:10 AM

My auntie Laura jokes all the time

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: jacqui.c
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:19 AM

You've got Hitler, Attila the Hun and a lawyer all in one room. You've got a gun with two bullets. What do you do?




















Shoot the lawyer twice.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:39 AM

What do you have if you have 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A good start!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Charley Noble
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:44 AM

Here's another new verse to a traditional drinking song:

The next came in was an attorney,
Who'd returned from an arduous journey,
Who'd returned from an arduous journey,
For to join in the jovial crew;
He'd traveled the whole wide world around,
He'd searched through cities, he'd searched
through towns,
There was no justice to be found -
When Jones' Ale was new, me boys!
When Jones' Ale was new!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 12:04 PM

God phoned down to Hell to check up on things.

G: How's it going, Satan?

S: Excellent.

G: Excellent? That can't be right.

S: Since you sent that plumber it's just great down here. He's fixed the radiators so we can control the heat; he rigged up an air conditioner so we can cool off; he got the pump going in the ventilation shaft so we've got sweet air again, and he unblocked the drainage so all the toilets are working.

G: A plumber? I would never send a plumber. A plumber is the LAST person I'd send. It has to be an administrative cock-up. You have to return him.

S: No way.

G: Then I'll sue.

S: Oh yeah? Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?

biddum! chuuuuuurrrrr...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnomad
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:21 PM

Guest, Mrr

A good start, but you need more sand too (or an incoming tide) 8~)

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Bobert
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 05:43 PM

Okay, why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and Washington, D.C. all the lawyers?





















New Jersey won the coin flip and got to pick first...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 06:12 PM

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny.....
            .
             .
                .
                  .
                   .
                      . AND NOBODY ELSE THINKS THEY'RE JOKES.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Pauline L
Date: 10 Feb 05 - 11:13 PM

Definition of a lawyer: someone who gets what's coming to you.

Q: A lawyer was thrown overboard in water full of man eating sharks, but he swam to shore safely. How? A: Professional courtesy.

God and the Devil were having a dispute about the boundary between Heaven and Hell. The Devil said, "I'll have my chief counsel draft a legal agreement and send it to you in 30 days. You have 30 days in which to respond." God received the document, and 30 days later, he sent the Devil a message. "Sorry. I can not reply within 30 days. I am unable to locate an atterney."

This one is true. The Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington DC sells cards, pens, T shirts, and sweatshirts with quotes from Shakespeare on them. My favorite is "First thing we'll do, we'll kill all the lawyers." The staff there says that items with this quote sell the fastest of any they carry, and it's hard to keep them in stock.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 12:31 AM

What can a goose do that a duck can't do, and a lawyer should do?














Shove his bill up his ass!

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: darkriver
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 03:48 AM

The devil materializes in front of a lawyer, working late in his office.

"Here's the deal," quoth Satan. "I can get you a full partnership and that corner office you've always wanted.

"In addition, your new secretary will be a fantastic secretary AND also stacked, fun-loving, and amoral.

"Finally, you'll live to be 103 years old, everyone will love you, and Harvard Law will endow a chair in your name.

"All I ask for in return is that your soul, plus the souls of your wife and all your children, burn in hell forever.

"So whaddaya say? We have a deal?"

The lawyer rubs his jaw.

"What's the catch?" he asks.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 10:36 AM

So this older lawyer and a younger lawyer were sitting at a bar eyeing some attractive young women. "Let's run over and screw some of them", says the younger one. And the older one replies," Out of what?"


or



The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that a rooster clucks defiance.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 12:02 PM

There's no difference between a lawyer and a rooster.

They are both cocks.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 01:17 PM

Dick's joke about the older and younger lawyers at the bar has to be an offspring of this old farm joke. You have the old bull and the young bull appraising a herd of cows below in the pasture. Says the young bull "Let's run down and screw some of them." Says the old bull "Let's walk down and screw them all!"

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 01:20 PM

Know what's more expensive than a good lawyer?
Not having one!



The man was accused of murder, and was facing a death penalty. Being a businessman to the bone, he called several attorneys and got bids for his defense. Finally, he called the woman who was supposed to be the best defense attorney in the country. She quoted him a figure, and he replied, "WHAT!! Why, your competitor quoted me a price that was half of yours!! Why in the world should I pay what you want?!?!"

"Well," she responded, "take his offer. Why, you won't even have to pay the bill."

"What do you mean, 'I won't even have to pay the bill'?"

"Your heirs will," she answered.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Feb 05 - 01:32 PM

Charley-
You got it. It's not nearly as funny if you haven't heard the older joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 11:04 AM

What's different between a dog dead in the middle of the road and a lawyer dead in the middle of the road?















There are skid marks in front of the dog

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 10:21 PM

LOL! What a great thread...

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,LdayJean
Date: 12 Feb 05 - 11:29 PM

I should start by saying that 1 great grandfather, both my grandfathers, my father were lawyers, as is my sister. Then there was great uncle William B. McFall, great great uncle Harry, and Cousin Miriam Romaine.

I heard this joke from my sister.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance.




(And a lawyer....de clients)

I should mention that all the attorneys in my family were honest men except for my sister, cousin Miriam, and great great uncle Harry.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 13 Feb 05 - 01:31 PM

My goodness. Has Mudcat had a return of a sense of humor? I put a lawyer joke in a thread a couple of years ago and I thought Mudchick or whatever his name is was gonna have a bird. Times change....

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Nick
Date: 13 Feb 05 - 02:30 PM

Do old urban legends count?

Lawyer Story

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

+++++++++++++

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $100."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $100.

The blonde politely takes the $100 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 09:45 AM

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


















How many can you afford?

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:14 AM

Do lawyers have to take ethics courses as part of their education? Serious question here.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:18 AM

It's NOT a joke, FYI.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnu
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 10:19 AM

Of course. How would they know how to get around the laws regarding ethics if they didn't.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:29 AM

how do you tell a lawyer is lying?





His lips are moving.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:58 AM

Do they have to pass the ethics courss?

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 01:37 PM

Can we do plumbers now please?

Or bank managers, are there any honest and decent ones of those?

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Bert
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 02:43 PM

How about Pharmacists.

I KNOW that they have classes in going slow at Pharmacy school.
It takes them half an hour to serve three customers and then you'd damn well better check your prescription to make sure they got it right.

Now compare that with bank tellers who serve thre customers a minute and NEVER make mistakes.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 02:52 PM

Banks got lotsa lawyers.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST,steve baughman, esq.
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:29 PM

The problem with lawyer jokes is that they instill in the public a belief that the legal profession is evil. In fact, the only thing standing between your freedom and John Ashcroft's tyranny is defense lawyers. Why do we think auto manufacturers try so hard to make their cars safe? Cos they love the public safety? No, because they'll get their asses sued off by the plaintiff's bar if they skimp on safety. Examples abound.

Lawyer jokes subtly serve the interests of the police, the insurance industry and corporations. Enjoy the jokes, but recognize their pernicious effects.

Respectfully yours,
steve baughman
attorney at law

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Bert
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 08:30 PM

Well said Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Pauline L
Date: 14 Feb 05 - 11:36 PM

Gnu, thanks for the laughs. I laughed harder at your post than at any of the others. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 12:28 AM

Father and son are walking through a cemetary. Son sees an epitaph, "Here lies John Smith, Attorny at Law and an Honest Man."

Son turns to father and asks, "What does that mean, pop?"

Father turns back to son and replies, "I don't know, son, there must be two guys down there."

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Peace
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 12:35 AM

Steve, you're right concerning defense lawyers. It has usually been lawyers who've taken the 'giant' corporations to court for things they've done wrong. Nader's Raiders did wonders for the improved safety of automobiles. Of course, big companies can out-spend individuals, and maybe that's where the flaw in the system really is. The ACLU has proved its worth, and the driving force there is lawyers. Hat's off to you, but that ain't gonna stop the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: jacqui.c
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 12:16 PM

As with everything in life there are good lawyers and bad lawyers. I saw quite a few of the latter when working as an injury claims negotiator - believe me, some of those guys wouldn't have been able to spell ethical, let alone behave in that way.

By the same token there are mother-in-law jokes, Blonde jokes, jokes about banjo players and various national stereotypes. Where do we draw the line at the type of person you can poke fun at? I think that we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves and take with a large pinch of salt the jokes made about our own particular type.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: ddw
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 02:40 PM

Steve and Bert,

You're right in all the things you say lawyers do. You can't, however, ignore the other side of the coin. It's lawyers who have created the litigious "blame somebody" mentality that has run insurance rates to astronomical levels. It's lawyers who have made it difficult or impossible for schools to take kids on field trips (parents are afraid to have the little darlings in their cars) and companies charging their customers the millions they have to spend protecting themselves from frivolous lawsuits.

We had a case here in Windsor in which a young German man, living illegally in Canada because he had overstayed his visa by months, went to the birthday party of a coworker at the pizza place where he worked. The party, which started late at night after the pizza joint closed, was held in a city park beside the Detroit River. The "victim" proceeded to get roaring drunk and obnoxious, then walked out on a small pier, climbed up on the railing, ignored the No Diving sign and dived into the shallow water. He hit bottom, broke his neck and wound up a quadraplegic. One of the most high-profile lawyers in Canada took his case to court claiming his coworkers were negligent for not stopping him and the city was negligent for not erecting better barriers.

I — and I'd venture a lot of other people — will have a lot more respect for your profession when you guys rein in the jerks who file that kind of lawsuit. And need I mention the stupid woman who put a cup of coffee in her lap and then sued McDonald's because it was hot?

I spent years covering courts for newspaper and I knew a lot of lawyers. Like any other profession, there are some great people and there are lots of sleazy shits. I think a little better policing by the bar assocations might go a long way toward improving lawers' public image.

cheers,

david

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: gnu
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 04:34 PM

Steve... c'mon man. A joke is a joke. Nobody really believes the "evil" you speak of. Except when you use words like "pernicious". Just cause you can afford a fancy dickshonary, or one a them theeosoreasses.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 07:28 PM

Er - DDW - I think you will find that the fault there is that of the court, or juries, or, where there is a legal aid system, the legal aid system.

Subject: RE: BS: Anti Lawyer jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 08:04 PM

The point about the Maccas coffee is that despite having been advised that it was too hot and possibly dangerous if it was spilt, they insisted on serving it at that temperature in insulated cups at the drive by.

Now more jokes please...