BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.

Subject: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: SINSULL
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 09:27 PM

This made me laugh 'til I cried.
Neither Here Nor There
Issue 132

Powerade and Chocolate Chips

The meeting had been like any other: dull, monotonous, disappointing in terms of both content and danish selection. But it was over. It was noon. It was Friday. I was in Washington, D.C. and I had six hours to kill before my flight back to Newark.

I sprinted from the overly air conditioned building where I had spent the past two days listening to some guy with an uncanny resemblance to Michael Gross yammer on about web hosting, or host webbing, or proper hostess etiquette, and made my way to the Metro. I love subways. Always have. I've ridden subways in six countries on three continents and something about them always makes me smile. Whether it's Montreal's trains, which run on what look like automobile tires, or Budapest's trains, which are old and rickety and look like set pieces from a 1950s espionage movie, or New York's trains, which feature new feces-resistant seats, I love trains. Washington's train system is pretty cool too, though I always have trouble decoding the zone system. Math should never be involved in a subway trip, especially when you're a guy who managed to get Geography 101 counted as his undergraduate math requirement.

But I managed to figure it all out and get to the Mall, and it was hot. I don't mean hot as in "hip" or "dope" or "radicchio" (which is my new word for cool), I mean hot as in sweat started pooling above my eyebrows, dripping into my eyes, and blinding me as I staggered toward what looked like the only shady spot between the Washington Monument and the Capitol Building. I called my intrepid fiancé. What, I asked, should I do?

"Go to a museum," she said. "They're air conditioned."

So it was off to the Smithsonian for some Natural History museuming. I checked my suitcase and man-bag and wandered around the hall of mammals for a while. I was hot and sweaty and the whole experience is kind of a blur. I think I watched a movie narrated by a giraffe, but it could have just been a guy with a really long neck. I do, however, know that I stopped for lunch in the hall of dinosaurs or reptiles or whatever they call the exhibit that features the talking lobster (or did I hallucinate that too?). I had a slice of pizza and a coke. But even after eating, I was not feeling my usual chipper self. I still had five hours left to do whatever I wanted, and all I wanted to do was go home.

I reclaimed by bags and headed back out into the midday sun. It was like walking into a deep fryer. Screw this, I thought, I'm going to the bus stop and taking the 5A bus out to Dulles. I may have been feeling "off," but I was still cheap.

In retrospect, taking the bus was a bad idea.

My condition rapidly deteriorated as we crawled our way out of the city. I was sweating profusely, battling dizzy spells, and holding back those puke burps we all start to get when our bodies start telling us "Not even your precious gravity can save you this time."

One hour and several near-incidents later, my lunch and I arrived safely at Washington-Dulles, so named because "Dulles" is ancient Greek for "You know what, fuck it, airports shouldn't be within 50 miles of the cities they serve anyways." I proceeded to the ticket counter, green.

"I'd like to see if I can fly standby to Newark."

"That's nice."

"."

"Our computers are down right now. But if you wait a few minutes, we should be able to at least check you in."

I thought about a revenge puke. No one would know it was intentional, just pretend I was cleaning something out of my teeth, put my finger in a little too far, and whammo! But I thought better of it. I hadn't puked for non-binge-drinking reasons in two years, and I wasn't about to break that streak over a downed computer and a customer service representative with an obvious undiagnosed learning disability.

Twenty minutes went by before the computers finally came back on line. One standby ticket in hand, I made my way through the security line, which slowly snaked its way around the entire terminal, like the world's slowest, lamest game of crack the whip. By the time I made it through security, I was cataloguing all nearby bathrooms and garbage cans, just in case. The burps were getting worse.

I made it to my gate and sat down. Maybe, I thought, I didn't eat enough today. I bet that's what it is, I just needed a drink and a snack and I'll be right back to my usual cheerful, cuddly self. Clutching my suitcase, my man purse, and my stomach, I walked into a newsstand and walked out with two bottles of red Powerade and a chocolate chip granola bar.

Have you ever looked back on an incident in your life and realized you were living it in slow motion? That's how the next half hour was for me. I remember feeling like it took all my strength just to get my jaw to go up and down on the granola bar and that twisting off the Powerade cap was almost more than my forearm could bear. Even the announcements playing overhead seemed slowed down.

"Mmmmisssteeerrrrr Aaaabdelllllnnnaaaabbbbeeee, mmmeeeeeeett yyooooouuuurrrr ppppaaaarrrtttyyy aaaatttt bbbbaaaaaaagggggaaggggggeee ccccllllaaaiiimmmmm ttthhhrreeeeeee.."

"Miiissstteeerrrrr Wiiillllsooooonnn, ppplllleeaassseee piiiickkkk uuuuupppp tthhhheeeee wwwhhhiittteeeee cccoooouuurrrttttesssyyyy pphhhoonnneee."

"Ddddddoooonnnn'ttttt lllleeeaaaavvveee yyyoooouuuuurrr bbbaaaagggggsssss uuunnnaaattttttennnddeeedd Mmmmisssstteeerrr Ssssulllliiiivvvaaannnn."

What? Was the ceiling talking to me? I was quickly falling apart.

When they announced my name as the last lucky standby passenger whose wish had come true, it was the best I'd felt in hours. Get on the plane, I thought, close your eyes, and before you know it you'll be in Newark. One step at a time, I kept telling myself. One step at a time.

I found my seat, 15A, slid my man satchel under the seat in front of me, plopped down and closed my eyes. I must have fallen asleep before the plane had even pulled away from the gate. I remember having a dream. I was me. Sitting on a plane. Trying not to throw up. I was choking back the contents of my stomach. "I will not throw up," I kept thinking. Willing myself to fight back whatever was trying to make its way out of my mouth.

I failed.

Both in my dream and in real life.

I awoke to see a bright red streak shooting out from my face, banking off the fuselage to the right of the woman sitting in front of me, continuing on past her chair, until finally running out of steam two rows ahead, where it splattered the arm of a middle-aged man guilty of nothing more than considering a Sky Mall purchase.

Two seconds later, a second wave escaped my mouth, this time hitting the back of the seat in front of me and ricocheting back towards its source, drenching me in what used to be Powerade before it had spent an hour percolating in my stomach with granola and chocolate chips.

"Motherfucker!" yelled the guy sitting next to me. Miraculously, I had managed to miss most of him and, more importantly, his iPod. The only damage was a red splotch on his right knee where some shrapnel had found its mark.

"Motherfucker!" yelled the woman sitting one row ahead of me, her sleeve soaked and her hair soiled.

"Shit!" yelled the Sky Mall man two rows ahead. "Did someone just throw up?"

"No, genius," I wanted to shout, "I'm part of a community theater group rehearsing 'Exorcist: The Musical.' Come see us live at The Parsippany Playhouse in Parsippany, New Jersey, September 17-25th. Asshole."

Call buttons went off all over. The stewardess ran back and recoiled in horror. Passengers craned their necks to see what had happened. I was mortified, and even worse, I was soaking wet.

The next thing I heard was an announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your flight attendant. If anyone has a baby they are traveling with today and would be willing to spare some wet-naps, we could use them at the back of the plane. Thank you."

This was what I had been reduced to, covered in my own vomit, begging for baby wipes.

The next thing I heard was the captain.

"Tiffany, please be seated for takeoff."

I had mixed emotions about this development. On the one hand, I didn't want to be responsible for 90 people missing their flight. But on the other hand, I had just yakked all over myself and several of my fellow travelers. What was the protocol in situations like this, I wondered. The protocol, apparently, is to take off and solve the other issues later.

Seconds after we had launched ourselves into the sky, Tiffany was back. To keep other passengers from getting sick, she sprinkled packets of Sanka in the aisle and dropped a few of the air fresheners, normally reserved for the bathroom, on the floor as well. A few women began to liberally apply perfume. All leading to an interesting olfactory experience that included a base of puke, hints of Powerade and chocolate, an earthy, coffee aroma, lemon zest and Chanel No. 5. It was both classy and disgusting at the same time. But it worked. No one followed in my chunk-stained footsteps.

I remember every second of that 50 minute flight. I remember requesting more napkins so I could mop up the pool of vomit that had formed between my legs. I remember the guy next to me requesting his own pile of napkins so he could build a defensive wall between me and him. I remember the guy in front of me wondering loudly about refund and voucher policies. I remember the failure of the wet-nap expedition. I remember it all because I had nowhere to go. The bathroom was fifteen rows away, and I had nothing with which to really clean myself up or even change into, my suitcase having been forcibly checked when I tried to board the plane. "Last one on," the guy said, "never finds a spot for his bag."

I can think of a few spots for that guy's bag, mostly involving its coming into high-speed contact with my boot. But he was just doing his job. And so was the stewardess when she tried to "help" me. And so was the guy who brought the wheelchair to gate 26A when we landed to push me up into the waiting area. And so was the gate worker who announced to the entire waiting area, "Ladies and gentlemen, due to a passenger getting sick all over the back of the plane, we'll be boarding about twenty minutes late. We apologize for the inconvenience." (He may as well have pointed at me and said, "that guy, that's the guy who got sick. Let's all point and laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha!")

I closed my eyes and prayed for a rampaging bear to attack the offending announcer. Didn't happen.

The paramedic who came and took my vital signs was also just doing his job. "I could send you to the emergency room," he said. "But then you'd be in a Newark emergency room." Sage advice, so I chose to make my way to the men's room, change into my now available clothes, and risk a cab ride home. I clutched a blue barf bag the stewardess had given me on my way out of the plane the entire way.

As we approached the Lincoln Tunnel, my cab driver made eye contact with me in the rearview mirror. "My friend," he said, "you do not look good. I see you holding a sick bag. I will give you bottle of water if you promise to use bag if you need."

"Agreed," I replied.

We rode the rest of the way in silence.

It was easily one of the least radicchio days of my life.


More later
Sullivan

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Deckman
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 09:51 PM

GEEZE LOUISE! No wonder so many airlines are going bankrupt! Bob

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Dani
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 10:18 PM

Thanks, honey. I needed a laugh tonight! He's funny!

He feeling better now?

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Sorcha
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 10:26 PM

ROF here!!! My sides hurt, and my eyes seem to leaking.....oh dear, oh dear......those poor passengers.....

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Tinker
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 10:59 PM

Oh Mary he is so clearly a Sullivan. The fact that he can laugh at himself and do it with so much class deserves a round of applause.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 11:16 PM

He's lucky he wasn't met by security guards with their guns out; vomit can be a terrorist weapon, you know!!!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: GUEST,Charley Noble
Date: 14 Sep 05 - 11:21 PM

Sinsull-

Thanks for sharing! BOF

Ah, that's better!

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 04:07 AM

The poor guy must have been so embarassed.
G.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Morticia
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 06:05 AM

what a talent,why isn't this guy writing for newspapers? Oh, and I hope he feels better too *G*

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: kendall
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 07:00 AM

I've read some of his stuff before. He is very talented.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: gnu
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 07:02 AM

Excellent!

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 11:08 AM

He does write occasionally for newspapers and had his own column when he was in high school. He recently was published on an online literature site which had turned down all his serious stuff so he sent them a true story on diarrhea in Borders bookstore. They accepted it and paid him for it. When I find it I'll post it here.

No - he wasn't embarrassed. Chris lives for moments like that. He lived with me for a year or two after graduating college. The stories I could tell...

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 11:51 AM

vomit?, diarrhea?... gee, think of the possibilities if he contracted palsy, leprosy, and Tourettes! Might be a regular column in it!

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 02:06 PM

He writes a weekly column called "Neither Here Nor There". It is somewhat irreverent and I rarely post it here so as not to offend. If you would like to receive it, Bill, PM me with your email address.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Jeri
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 02:14 PM

Diarrhea and vomiting can be funny. The human body, especially our own, provides no end of amusement because it does some fairly surprising things. Just look at all the cute names we have for these activities, and human beings usually laugh at things (or other people) we can't otherwise overcome. Gas might be funnier than the more damp form of emission, possibly because farts have an auditory component that's way funnier than the sounds associated with other gastro-intestinal events.

I thought it was very funny. I also thought "." was original. I've said it before but never knew how to spell it.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Cool Beans
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 02:20 PM

Exorcist: The Musical! I believe the man is onto something. I can see the advertisements now: It'll make your head spin. PM me when it opens. I'm a theater critic (really).

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 07:30 PM

thanks! very funny.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Sorcha
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 07:33 PM

Send it to me, Sins! Please! [e-mail]

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: ranger1
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 07:48 PM

My neighbor (on whose computer my cookie resides) just told me I was having waaaay too much fun. The dogs are looking at me and wondering whether they should bark or whine and I've got a cramp from laughing so hard. Mary, you need to post an advisory that people should not take a swallow of anything while reading this, as it will end up sprayed all over the computer screen.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Jeri
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 07:55 PM

Irreverent, my butt! Nevertheless, if ya don't wanna post his articles, I'd like them too, please. Do you have my e-mail, or should I PM it to you?

"Exorcist: The Musical" - I wrote a song featuring the Disney animated version of Mutiny on the Bounty. It had a one-eyed rat that danced and sang. I think the Exorcist is funnier. For one thing, 6 out of every 10 people who read this will wonder why Disney hasn't done M-on-the-B yet.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 09:06 PM

"Irreverent, my butt!" or, "Irreverent - my butt!"

what a difference good punctuation makes.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Bobert
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 09:44 PM

Now listen here, Sullivan, this is yer Uncle Bobert talkin' here an' me and the Wes Ginny Slide rule figgurated that, first, you is a nutball but we ain't gonna holt that aginst ya' frir fear of you ralphin' on us...

But, second, hey, loota old germs in the Smithsonian and a lot more newer ones on the Metro... You din't lick yer seat did ya??? I'm really hopin' the answer to the subway-seat-lickin'-question is a big no 'er we're gonna have to revisit the nutball question... I oves the Metro subway but I never lick the seats...

Well, I weren't half way on to this one when the Wes Ginny Slide Rule come up with a throry behindst the crime scene... It was a combination of the Washington, D.C. heat and humindity, the old germs, the new ones, the barf dream and the airplane...

Heck, I had to ralph a couple times just readin' 'bout it... Might of fact, think I;ll go out back a blow a few crunks before turnin' in... Nuthin' like a good chunk blow before turnin' in fir the night...

Right?

Well, Sulli, you sound like my guy 'cept Iz real disappointed that you only ralphed fir two seat in front o' ya'... Heck, if you was of o' olympic quality you'd have 'bout blowed the cabin door to the pilot...

But yer a youngin' and, sniff, I can't holt that against none too much but I'll tell ya this much, fir sure... I'd a' ralphed so hard that it din't only blow the pilot's cabin door down but we'd a' made Newark 15 minutes earlier with the forward momentum..

Sho nuff woulda...

Yer (unbeknownst to you) Uncle Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 10:36 PM

*refraining from explaining to Bobert why you can't make a car go faster by bouncing a rubber ball off the front window from the back seat* he knows, anyway....or maybe he needs a new VIRGINNY slide rule, now..*grin*

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Sorcha
Date: 15 Sep 05 - 11:35 PM

Hells bells, I KNOW the Bobert needs a new slide rule...sheesh oh. Just send me e mail, Sully.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Sep 05 - 04:38 PM

Spaw will see the humor in this.

From my nephew:
This link should take people to the Barnes & Noble story. I hope this isn't what I become known for: the guy who can't control his bodily functions.

http://www.mrbellersneighborhood.com/story.php?storyid=1662

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Sep 05 - 09:02 PM

Sheeee-it...

One heck of a story, Sully, but after doin' a much better jopb of entertainin' them kids I woulda walked right into the personel office and *demand" that the "author" be fired and you be hired!!!

Hey, if ya' got it, ya' got it... Forget Mr Moose... Forget Mr Rabbit... The real deal is the real deal!!!

Now, youngin', I don't know what Iz gonna do wid you but fir starters yer gonna have to read a little of yer Uncle Spaw... Yeah, Yer Uncle Spaw has set the bar when it comes to stories about any bodilly function... You need a little apprentriceship unner his tooledge...

Now, if it comes to out-right liein' fish stories, then Iz yer man... I'll out lie any danged angler in the world... I sho nuff will...

You sure you related to Sins??? She so sweet an' never so much passed no gas... Jus' ask her... OPkiay, maybe a couple gas stations...

Yer Uncle Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Sep 05 - 10:01 PM

I am grateful that he is your nephew and not mine!

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Sorcha
Date: 17 Sep 05 - 12:08 AM

Mwhaaaaahhhaaa!!! Keep em comin' Sully!

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Dani
Date: 17 Sep 05 - 03:43 PM

Can you point us to more of his writing?

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 04:37 AM

Limpit is disgusted and says she's going to ban me from reading them if I don't stop laughing.....

Sod her, what does she know, she still thinks snot jokes are funny! Keep 'em coming please!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 01:30 PM

Me too, GUEST. Chris has been a nephew, a friend, and a pure joy in my life. He is the bright and witty and still young. Life hasn't always been kind to him but he has channeled the bad parts into his writings.

These two stories are samples of his bathroom humor. Chris has written serious pieces which astonish me with their bald, naked truth. For those interested. I will get the URL to his website. And for those who have requested it, he wqill add you to his mailing list.

There is a price for this: he expects feedback...honest feedback.

SINS

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Dani
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 01:58 PM

No problem.

Thank you.

And, please add me to his mailing list as well.

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Morticia
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 02:13 PM

and me, and me.....ooh, ooooh, me too please??? I just laughed so hard at the Barnes and Noble story that my neighbours came round to see what the fuss was.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: jacqui.c
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 02:29 PM

Add me to that list please.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: gnu
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 03:08 PM

Well... it goes without asking.... plaese.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 04:42 PM

prufreed, gnu!

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: Micca
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 05:51 PM

Mary, Me too on the circulation list please

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: ranger1
Date: 18 Sep 05 - 09:16 PM

Add me, too! I will be making the curly-haired J-boy read them tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Nov 05 - 01:02 PM

I finally got all of your email addresses to Chris. You should receive his next column.
Enjoy,
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: SINSULL's nephew's latest epic.
From: ranger1
Date: 06 Nov 05 - 03:29 PM

Thanks, SINS. I'm looking forward to it.