Bawdy Limericks [1]

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Hollowfox
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 07:39 PM

Two from my father:

There was a young woman named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus
Contageous diseases
And the bother of having a child.

There was a young woman from Thrace
Whose corset was quite hard to lace
Her mother said, "Nelly
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face."

And one from the after-hours singaround at the 8th Step Coffeehouse, all those years ago:

There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, They say bigamy's nice.
Even two is a bore -
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse it is spice."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Young Buchan
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:21 AM

There was a young man of Nepal
Who didn't like women at all
So he buggered a yak
An old man in a mac
And the nephew of General De Gaulle

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,shadow
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 08:29 PM

there once was a man from nantucket
who dreamt he was fucking a bucket
so he humped and he humped
then something went thump
he woke to find that he did suck it.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 04:20 PM

There once was a girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
    So she sat on the stairs
    And counted **** hairs --
Nine thousand, eight hundred, and two.

Subject: Perkins, a Lad
From: GUEST,Clare, guest
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 02:37 PM

Does anyone know the source of this one?

There was a young lad named Perkins
Addicted to jerkin his gherkin
His mother said Perkins
Quit jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkin's for firkin not jerkin

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 02:58 PM

Bawdy Limericks are surely not art
There is nothing to set them apart
You can't be a Bard
'Cause it ain't too damn hard
To rhyme tits, cocksucker, and fart.


Spaw

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 03:44 PM

Can I post a non-bawdy one, please, that happens to be my favourite limerick? It was composed by a very brilliant pupil I had who was founder/secretary of the school Astronomical Society for their magazine, which natch he also edited, in my long-ago [retired 25 yrs since] teaching days.

Apollo to Mission Control:
We are almost in reach of our goal —
But this reading of G
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 Jan 10 - 10:28 AM

Explorers out in Peru,
Sent home for two punts and a canoe,
The answer next day,
Said, girls on the way,
But what the hell's a PANOE ?

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Johnny B
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 08:38 AM

There is a young lady called Bex
A fine example of the opposite sex
She's tall slim and curvy
She makes men turn pervy
And wow what a great pair of pex!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 09:41 AM

Like "MtheGM ", I often find non-bawdy ones to be both clever and funny,viz;
       The Chief Stewardess of a Boeing,
       When asked "Which way are we going ?"
         Said "Our navigator
         is joining us later ;
         'til then,we have no way of knowing ".

But to return to the essence of the thread--

          A young Upper-yardman from Wales,
          was an expert at pissing in gales;
          he could piss in a jar,
            from the Topgallant spar,
          without even wetting the sails.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 10:59 AM

A certain young lady named Dodd
Thought that babies all came from God.

It wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie
But Roger the lodger - the sod !

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ARCE
Date: 19 Jan 10 - 09:26 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave
who kept a dead whore in his cave.
Tho, gross, he admits
cause she smells just like shit.
But think of the money he'll save.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ARCE
Date: 19 Jan 10 - 09:31 PM

The was a young man from Racine
who invented a jackoff machine.
On the 23rd stroke
the damn thing, it broke
and beat his poor rod to a creme.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Jan 10 - 12:46 AM

Oh well, I might as well join in...

On the breast of a harlot named Gail
Was tattooed the price of her tail.
And on her behind
For the use of the blind
Was the same information in Braille


There once was a harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.


The once was a lass named Bathsheba
Who slept with a German amoeba
Who would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur, "Ich Liebe"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Perry H
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 04:00 PM

A horny New York girl named
Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallis,
They found her vagina in South Carolina,
And part of her hymen in Dallas.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 05:35 PM

My back aches, my penis is sore:
I really can't fuck any more.
I'm covered with sweat
And you haven't come yet
And my God, it's a quarter to four!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 05:52 PM

Said Einstein, "I have an equation
That some may think quite Rabelaisian:
    Let V be virginity,
    Approaching infinity,
And P be a constant persuasion.

"Let P over V be inverted.
Let P into V be inserted.
    It seems clear to me
    That the outcome will be
A relative," Einstein asserted.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Neil D
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM

Here's a few.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: dombonito
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 09:24 AM

There was a young harlot named Jenny,
Whose regular fee was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could fondle her bum,
a source of amusement for many.

There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who was very proficient on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Rendered him nutless
Now he's practically useless on dates.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 08:46 PM

I once had a handsome dalmatian,
A canine of high social station.
    He was found in a ditch
    With -- I won't say a *****,
But -- a person of no reputation.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Allen in Oz
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 01:54 AM

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his penis plus eight
Is his phone number...give him a call !


There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who danced with plenty of feeling
Not a sound could be heard
Not a voice , not a word
But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

AD

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 07:41 PM

There was once a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
    When comment arose
    On the state of her clothes,
She drawled "Where Ah itchez, Ah scratchez". -- Ogden Nash

To succeed in the brothels of Smyrna,
One must always begin as a learner.
    Indentured at six
    As a greaser of pricks,
One may rise to be fitter and turner.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 08:12 PM

There was a young man from Kilkankie
Who gathered his sperm in a hankie
Which he placed on a seat
Female organ to meet
He's now known as Spiritus Sankie

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 06:30 PM

There once was a monk in Siberia,
Whose morals were rather inferior.
    He did with a nun
    What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a mother -- superior.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 07:36 PM

I think that I have already posted this on another thread but my favourite is:

There was a young lady from Thrace
Who's corset grew too tight to lace
Says her mother to Nellie
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,angrycow
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 11:26 AM

there once was a man from madras
whose balls were made out of brass
in stormy weather
they clanged together
and sparks came out of his arse

~cheers

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Greg B
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 09:26 PM

There once was a girl from Darjeeling
Who pasted her tits to the ceiling
With a terrible sound
She crashed to the ground
But now I hear they are healing

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Greg B
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 09:27 PM

There once was a couple named Kelly
What were forced to lie belly to belly
Because in their haste
They got library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 01:51 AM

There was a young man called Jack Bosham,
Who took out his balls for to wash 'em,
His mother said Jack !
If you don't put 'em back,
I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 10:27 AM

A certain young lady called Alice
Used to think of her c*nt as a chalice.
One night, in the nude
She awoke, feeling lewd
And there in her chalice - a phallus.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 04:23 PM

There was once a young lady named Alice,
Who frightfully misused a chalice,
    But it is my belief
    It was done for relief,
And not from sectarian malice.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 08:19 PM

The young British mage, Harry Potter
Though brilliant, was sort of a rotter
And especially fond
Of using his wand
To impregnate some muggle's poor daughter.

Peter

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,GODFATHER
Date: 16 Apr 10 - 07:00 PM

A DAGO NAMED TONY BALDINI
WAS HUNG WITH THE TINIEST WEENIE
HIS DICK WAS SO SMALL
IT WAS SCARCE THERE AT ALL
BUT HIS 13 INCH TONGUE WAS A MEANIE

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 17 Apr 10 - 02:04 AM

A bobby from Nottingham Junction,
Whose organ had long ceased to function.
Decieved his good wife,
For the rest of her life,
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Apr 10 - 06:32 PM

To his girl said the sharp-eyed detective:
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
    Has your west tit the least bit
    The best of your east tit,
Or is it a fault of perspective?"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 18 Apr 10 - 04:47 AM

While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model reclined on a ladder,
The position to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he jumped on the ladder and 'ad her.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Apr 10 - 09:03 PM

A young lady who lived in Connecticut
Once flagged down a train with her petticoat,
    Which her husband opined
    Showed presence of mind,
But deplorable absence of etiquette.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 03:24 AM

There was a young student called Johns,
Who wanted to bugger the swans,
But the loyal hall porter,
Said ' sir take my daughter '
The swans is reserved for the Dons.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 08:15 PM

There once was a Bey of Algiers
Who said to his harem, "My dears,
    Though you may think it odd o' me,
    I'm giving up sodomy.
Tonight's for you ladies!" (_Loud cheers._)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 03:02 AM

There once was a young girl called Jeannie,
Whose dad was a terrible meanie,
He fashioned a latch,
And a hatch for her snatch,
She could only be had by Houdini.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Luke
Date: 20 May 10 - 01:34 PM

Twisted morals, who he?!
He's a model Christian, you see,
Sunday's for praying,
With a Whore He's never laying,
He just occasionally drinks his own wee.

Luke

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 06:09 PM

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept horse manure in a bucket
On the roof of his shed,
And when it fell on his head,
It is said he exclaimed "Oh dearie me!"

There was a young lad of Devizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
The ball that was small was of no use at all
But the big one won quite a few prizes.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Mike A
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 06:42 PM

There was a young lady of Ealing
Whose lover before her was kneeling.
She said "Dearest Jim, take your hand off my quim -
I much prefer fucking to feeling."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Anil Srivastava
Date: 05 Dec 10 - 12:26 PM

There was this sweet, innocent, young Croat,
God blessed her with a tight and juicy twat;
Which her boyfriend tried to enter,
But failed, though he bent her,
He now prefers diddling the cat.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: SRD
Date: 05 Dec 10 - 04:59 PM

Thanks to Blossom for:

There was a young man from Coombe-Martin,
Who had an immaculate partin',
He said that the knack,
Was to stand back to back,
With an elephant just as it's close enough to be effective but not too close for comfort ...

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 04:16 AM

There was a young student of Johns,
Who determined to bugger the swans,
But the loyal hall porter,
Said, Sir take my daughter,
The swans is reserved for the Dons.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 04:53 AM

Dave: Cambridge colleges, like [St] John's, have 'porters', who are based in the gate-lodge and regularly patrol the college grounds. They are not 'hall porters', who belong in hotels. That line would better read "Along came the porter", I think.

~M~

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 07:15 AM

It's straight from W S Baring-Gould's ' The Lure Of The Limerick ' so it's his fault.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 07:52 AM

Really, now, Dave? And Baring-Gould a Cambridge man at that! Well, well: just shows you can never trust anybody!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 05:13 PM

What's more, I visited St John's, as a tourist, ca. 1959, and saw no sign of any swans.