If it were not for the nanny-like interference of certain blathering bureaucrats in high places, I should suggest dueling pistols, West. Alas, it is illegal now to duel to the death in the U.K. This is certainly to your great good fortune, sir!
Therefore, what I do suggest is boxing gloves and a 12-round match, Marquis of Queensbury rules, sometime in early January after the festive season is over. I will be happy to provide the boxing ring, the equipment, and a trained referee, and may the best man win.
If I were you, I should start training at once, and lay off the figgy duff. It's bad for the wind.
You may have your seconds contact mine any night after 7:00 at the Vicar's Inn in Twilligsgate. Ask for Eddie.
Prepare for a rude awakening, old chap...or perhaps I should say, a short nap on the canvas.
- Winston Wellington-Jones