BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 10:59 AM

By Jove, Captain West, I have indeed heard of "Hammer" Siddons, and I should very much like to meet him over a glass of port. I see that I may have underestimated you, in my natural desire to protect Ms Rutledge.

I dearly hope that the swine Buggeroll is eavesdropping on this thread, as he will be shaking in his boots now, I trust... The man is an arrant coward with far too high an opinion of himself. He always wears a kilt, usually with nothing else under it so I understand, and fancies himself to be the most irresistible sexual athlete in the civilized world. He has given great offence to Penelope in the past, which nearly led to his sudden demise. (It happened that they were alone in the library at the Vicar's Inn, you see, and there are a couple of old sabers hanging on the wall there...well, Penelope tends toward quick reactions when they are absolutely required. I'll say no more about it.)

I also had the pleasure of thumping his fat face...once only, sad to say, but he wouldn't get back up and face the music.

Things are looking reasonably "copacetic" here at this point. Penelope was very upset, but she is regaining her composure now. Not a peep has been heard from the Sherbrookes. I think they may let it pass, rather than opening "Pandora's box" by taking legal action. Legal action between the rich in Twillingsgate can take years to reach any resolution and impoverish a generation in the process.

And it seems that the police here would just as soon let it pass as well. I had a drink or two last night with the chief constable, Wentworth, who is a reasonable man, and I have the impression they will not press charges.

So far so good.

WW-J

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 09:04 AM

Oh, my, doesn't THAT explain things!! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 08:54 AM

Wellington-Jones,

We're agreed then. Our personal disputes can be taken up again later.

I quite agree about Rouen, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if certain things happened there in the very near future. A bit of a warning first off, perhaps, something that can't very well be ignored. You're quite right, I have Certain Friends in Certain Places, most associated with the Paras and the SAS.

I've also taken the liberty of contacting my friend Nevil Bruce-Aldersmythe, QC, who will be on the way to Twillingsgate tomorrow ack emma. No charge, he owes me some favours.

My orders have been deferred while this business with Miss Rutledge plays out -- the Colonel is a most understanding gentleman and his connections at the War Offic are impeccable.

Oh, yes. RSM "Hammer" Siddons is also popping in. You'll have heard of him, I'm certain: All-Service wrestling champion, instructor to the SAS and SBS in hand-to-hand, and a knifeman and pistol shot without peer anywhere in the world. I rather think than Miss Rutledge could use some relief from those press vultures, don't you?

NW

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,The Vogon High Command
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 06:57 AM

Greetings, Insignificant Earthlings (I don't know why I bother to communicate wth you really):

Do you really expect us Vogans to measure time in the same paltry units that you do on your puny little planet ? Our home planet is much larger than that minute lump of excremental rock which you call Earth, and because of the machanics of our star system, orbits our five stars in a series of highly variable orbits. Thus the Vogan year may range from 47.41376 of your earthly 'days' to 213,864.98643. We still split our year into similiar periods to you earthling, but our time periods are therefore of dynamically variable duration.

A more detailed survey has shown that there is a powerful source of hyperspacial noise situated near the cesspit which you designate Twillingsgate, which you refer to as Hull. This will have to be completely irradicated if the settings for our bypass are to remain stable. On a recent trial run of the equipment, stray 9s completely wrecked the alignment and delicate components were damaged by the smell of curry. Our preparations will therefor take about 17.17954 of your 'days'.

Like many Vogans I am a keen poet and would be willing to accept bookings for a reasonable fee at any of your local 'Folk Clubs' while the construction fleet is in this part of the galaxy. Perhaps I may be able to encourage you to book me by reminding you that we will need to perform some preliminary calibration tests of our destructer beams and that I have researched the exact locations of all club organisers in advance. A suitable fee would be about £1,500 in your local currency - or alternatively I would accept healthy women or children to sell as slaves/food.

The being who you know as jOhn from Hull is in fact one of our surveillance robots and all offers should be routed via him.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 06:25 PM

Agreed, West. Now you're talking sense. I shall disregard our past disagreements and conduct myself in a gentlemanly manner. It's an unusual situation here, requiring mutual cooperation. There may be significant legal entanglements ahead, and it's best that we don't muddy the waters by trying to kill each other. Cheerio.

Respectfully,

WW-J

p.s. If you've got contacts in the overseas service, see if you can set them on that swine, Malcolm Buggeroll, and put a stick up his wicket. The bastard's in Rouen, apparently, and is most likely in the company of a French tart named Angelique. She is far more dangerous than he is, I might add.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, ex-Gardener
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 06:12 PM

Bloody 'ell! Five minutes! I'm still waitin' for me Christmas gift wot me nephew Tommy is sendin' from America...a boxed set of Wrestlemania DVDs!

Wait a minute...

'Ere, it's been 7 minutes now...I fink they's lyin'. Wait. It's been 8 minutes. Everyfink looks awright outside to me...

Right. They was lyin' to us. There ain't no Vogon 'igh Command.

Well, it was Connie Sherbrooke wot done it awright. She always was a nasty bit o' crumpet wot liked causin' distress to others, she was. Got me fired one time. I used to be the Sherbrooke's gardener and 'andyman back in '97. Come to fink of it, she 'as indireckly got me fired again!

I finks I know where Ms Rutledge got the tip, but I cannot reveal me sources at this time. Suffice it to say that if you want inside info you've got to go to the domestic staff for it. It's this wot makes us inmeasurably valuable to the privileged classes, and secures us our jobs. Also, we don't mind gettin' our 'ands dirty!

I am presently engaged in negotiatin' wif Rutledge House, and I just want to say that I didn't mean no harm whatever when I mentioned the punchin' bag, but was just expressin' me honest admiration and regard for Ms Penelope, along wif me concern that someone might get 'urt. I should not 'ave posted amonimously and I will not do so again. Cross me 'eart and 'ope to die.

- Albert McSwiggins

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 06:02 PM

Wellington-Jones,

As difficult as it is for me to say this, I believe that at this time you, like myself, have only Miss Rutledge's welfare at heart. For the nonce, then, let us bury the hatchet and work together to extricate her from this difficulty.

We can discuss our differences later.

Nigel West

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,The Vogon High Command
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:50 PM

Greetings, Earth slime:

We Vogons are getting ready to build another bypass. However, you lucky slimes, this time it will not be necessary for us to destroy your entire ugly little planet. New technology has made it possible for us to build the bypass in the form of a tunnel through the planet. This tunnel will be five of your miles wide. Its point of origin will be in the desert area of what you call "Australia". Its point of egress will be in what you call the "United Kingdom" where a village known as "Twillingsgate" is currently situated. Residents of "Twillingsgate" are hereby duly warned that your village will cease to exist in approximately five minutes. We strongly suggest you take advantage of the remaining time to leave, pray, or put your finances in order.

We are sorry for the inconvenience.

Ha! Only kidding! No, not about the bypass. About being sorry, dumbass!

Sincerely,

Vogon High Command

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:16 PM

Oh, sod off, West. I have known Penelope all my life, and I am not about to abandon her or conspire against her, though we may have our disagreements from time to time. You are losing your bearings, sir. You are in the grip of some raving fantasy. All the better, I say. Penelope will soon realize what a tremendous mistake it would be to marry you, and she will dump you with a sigh of relief.

I hope your "Orders" dispatch you to Afghanistan ASAP and some Taliban fanatics blow your silly ass to blazes.

I haven't got time for your rubbish right now.

WW-J

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:03 PM

Wellington-Jones!

See what trouble your meddling ways have brought! You low cur, you have caused Miss Rutledge to forget herself and run afoul of the Law!

Oh, yes, I know. I have been investigating the source of the scurrilous rumours regarding Miss Rutledge for some time, and only today did I come across irrefutable evidence of your complicity!

Were I not Under Orders I would hunt you down like the beast you are. As it stands, I am attempting to obtain a deferment in my reporting date so that I can assist Miss Rutledge in any way I can.

Captain Nigel West, DSO

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 05:03 PM

Penelope, I am very proud of you. Damn fine show! Just what I would have done in your position. All is forgiven! It doesn't surprise me that it was Connie. I know that one, she's a tricky bird, and she's never liked you one bit anyway. I am here, Penelope, if you need me.

WW-J

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 01:11 PM

Brava!! Brava!! Let's hear it for Penelope, the finest banjo-picker and pugiliste in all of Twillingsgate!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,The Twillingsgate Herald, Special Edition
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 12:46 PM

- Ms Rutledge Wallops Miss Sherbrooke!!! Town Aghast!!! -

Patrons at fashionable Freddy's Cafe were shocked this afternoon when a screaming fistfight erupted between Ms Penelope Rutledge, 25, and Miss Connie Sherbrooke, 23. Ms Rutledge was seen to march into the cafe at around 2 pm, while Miss Sherbrooke and two other ladies, Miss Finch and Miss Ponsonby were having tea.

"She looked like a woman on a mission," remarked Morty Watson, a waiter at Freddy's. "She was clearly out for blood, if you ask me. Here's what I saw. She walked straight up to Miss Sherbrooke's table, where the girls were chatting and laughing about something, puts her hands on her hips like this (demonstrating)...and says, ""Miss 'Q', I presume?"", glaring right at Miss Connie Sherbrooke. ""What did you say?"" replies Miss Sherbrooke. ""You know exactly what I said, you lying, treacherous, gossip-mongering little snitch!"" snaps Miss Rutledge. ""Stand up!!!"" ...and the whole place goes silent.

"Well, Miss Sherbrooke she gets right up out of her seat and BOOM! Ms Penelope whacks her and they start fighting right in the middle of the cafe. I've never seen the like of it. Everyone was sort of paralyzed."

"So, the upshot of it was, Ms Rutledge landed a wicked combination of rights and lefts....smack! smack!....Oh, I'm glad it wasn't me on the receiving end...and Miss Connie lands flat on her back on the floor and decides to just stay there for a bit, which in my opinion was a wise decision. She looked pretty stunned."

"Ms Rutledge then dusts off her hands, says ""Put that in Pruella's bloody gossip column, you little spy!"" and storms out of the place. It was all over in a few seconds, seemed like."

"Miss Connie was very upset, understandably, and left the Cafe immediately afterward, accompanied by her friends. I am given to understand that Ms Rutledge went straight to the police station and turned herself in, or something like that."

"I am in deep shock. I never thought I'd see anything like this happen at Freddy's. Our customers are normally very well behaved, and Ms Rutledge has dined here on numerous occasions without incident."

The Twillingsgate Herald has determined that Ms Rutledge did indeed turn herself in to the Twillingsgate Constabulary, and admits freely to have struck the first blow. She has been released on probation, according to Constable Forthright, and will not be required to post bail.

We will follow up with further details as soon as we have them.

- Clarence Farrell, Twillingsgate Herald, Special Edition

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 01:43 PM

I should like to remind everyone that it is Miss "Q" who is entirely responsible for this idiotic thread, and she is going to pay dearly for it when I find her. Which I shall.

(I was disgusted to see one of Malcolm Buggeroll's poetic ramblings on this forum, but it's a minor distraction. The man is incapable of creating anything artistic. His only talents lie in enlarging the boundaries of perversity. He has fled to France, where such things are more readily tolerated, and that is a blessing for the British Isles.)

* PR

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Enrique Gomez
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 01:35 PM

You should do what we do in Cuba with the horses. Hang a cloth bag at the back of the horse. The bag catches all the mierda and keeps the streets clean but it does not prevent the horse from urinating in any way. In this way we have many horse carriages, as you will see in our cities, yet the streets are kept quite nicely clean.

I think you should send the bill to your Presidente, Bush. He can spare so many billions for conquering Iraq that I think he could pay this one little bill for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 01:06 PM

Oh King, to whom shall I send the bill for cleaning the horse pucky from the streets? Two hundred horses and three hundred remounts produce quite a bit of, well, "hoss leavin's." We can't wash it into the Portneuf River or the EPA'll be on us like stink on...like flies on a gutwagon. The city doesn't want to clean it up, and 'most all of the crack shots and crack riders have either gone home or wandered off. Bobby Joe's Manure Haulin' and Barbecue will take care of it, but they want to get paid. So, where do I send the bill? (I think that I can fix up those complaints about paternity and busted-up bars.)

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 12:11 PM

Have you heard the rumour about the portrait that Wellie-Jones keeps locked up in a cupboard ?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 10:13 AM

That should have, of course, been rouè.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 10:09 AM

There is no reason Wellies can not rightly be labeled a roue,for which the definition from the American Heritage is simply:
NOUN: A lecherous dissipated man.
ETYMOLOGY: French, from past participle of rouer, to break on a wheel (from the feeling that such a person deserves that punishment), from Old French, from Latin rotre, to rotate. See rotate.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Dirty Old Git
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 10:05 AM

Miss Q, You sound like my sorta gal, 'ow d'ya fancy meetin' up wiv me some time. Is this Twillingsgate place in the area covered by me London bus pass - anywhere near Billingsgate ? Yer know - I reckons I'd even be willing ter come south of the river fer a bird like you.

Don't worry about those two nancy boys who try and sound so tuff - they wouldn't be so cocky if they were looking down the ten inch barrels of my old sawn-off. Wot abaht it then ?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Miss "Q" of Twillingsgate
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:31 AM

Oh my! Marvelous use of language, Captain West. Simply ripping! I want to thank you on behalf of all the young women in Twillingsgate for taunting Winston in such terms as will probably drive him right round the bend. What is it the Americans say? "LOL!!!" Oh, this is just too much. You have us in stitches here. Please don't misunderstand me when I say I can only encourage you to keep it up... for Penelope's sake at least, if not for your own. Oh, LOLOLOLOL!

Miss "Q"

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:24 AM

No doubt expects me to sink his punt on the next anal outing! Ha! Ha!

What kind of langauge is that for civilised society. You, sir, are no gentleman.

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:09 AM

"Wellies" --

Gentlemen NEVER engage with those who are their inferiors socially, financially, intellectually, or morally. Nor do gentlemen engage with cowards and criminals.

I might possibly have discounted much of your past as the peccadilloes of youth, but when I discovered that you regularily cheat at Patience! And that you even attempt to do so when you play on a computer! Well, really!

Since you are so utterly inferior to myself, and, I might add, to Miss Rutledge, I could no more meet you on a field of honour than I could do what you used to do to those poor "fags" at St. Dismas. You are utterly without honour, courage, or moral fiber and, I suspect, beyond redemption.

I have put up my revolver and life preserver. One does not need the protection afforded by honourable arms from such a slinking, bestial, quivering, opportunistic, immoral lickspittle as yourself. Instead, I am carrying an entirely appropriate dogwhip which I intend to use on you should you be unfortunate enough to cross my path.

Captain West, DSO

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Malcolm Buggeroll
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 09:07 AM

The Duel

And so it was
In the limpid hours of dawn
The sun's bright disk barely cracking the emblazoned horizon
Pouring forth like a great, spewing plinth
Upon the verdant lowlands
That I saw
There, rampant upon the soil
Swords strapped upon their heaving flanks
Grim resolution written in their eyes
The chosen heroes...or villains...of the hour
Step forth to triumph or miserable demise!

And in what cloistered bower
In what perfumed boudoir
Doth their maiden wait?
Her breath coursing in whispered snatches
Her birdlike heart pounding
Like the pendulum of a tiny Swiss clock
Fashioned by some wizened machinist of yore
Toiling over the instruments of his ancient trade
Like a god toiling over the creation of a sentient ape!

Nay! Think not of death and tragedy.
Think rather of the merry play of the Fates
Weaving their inscrutable tapestries
Upon our vagrant lives
With complacent, fathomless disdain
Tempered by a teaspoon of easy grace.

If 'twere not for the fact
That a lady abandoned is akin
To a fine car that lacks a differential
Better that both these heroes should fall
And thus in their falling
Provide fertile ground for a century
Of exaggerated tales of manly prowess...

But wait! The hour soon arrives.

And I must hasten down the following wind
To Rouen, marvelous Rouen
Where my lover awaits!
Angelique! I am coming!

I cannot stay and see blood spilled upon this field.
Let the devil take the hindmost
And may it be Winston.

- Malcolm Buggeroll (writing from Rouen, France)

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 08:37 AM

That's good. The Idaho contingent will stand down. Most already are stood down, some even laying down and some of these are even alone. Hard to keep crack riders and crack shots sober, much less celibate.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: artbrooks
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 08:29 AM

I would recommend that you plan on your final rendezvous being on the streets of Phoenix: pistols at ten paces and 80 miles per hour. After all, everyone else does it!

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 08:12 AM

One of you start from San Francisco, one from New York, on a set date, each equipped with a return ticket, Cobra hand gun and a Toyota Tercel, two sets of underwear, two sets of clothes, and one overcoat and $2500 and nothing else.

And may the best man win. The entire continent is available to you as your field of honor. Fortunately, no-one else has booked it this season.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 05:37 AM

I have a sugestion to make to Captain West and Winston Wellie-Jones. Why don't you both cross the Atlantic and hold your duel over there. Handguns are legal and readily available, and it will make it easy for the inhabitants of the ex-colonies to satisfy their curiosity about the niceties of english etiquette (or the less-niceties if we're referring to Mr Wellie-Jones - isn't he a filmstar who used to play soccer for Wimbledon ?).

Ms Rutledge could remain in Twillingsgate, comforted by her many remaining admirers, and swoon (or show other signs of grief/joy) when the result of the duel is reveal to her by telegraphic means.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 04:33 AM

Is that one of the Lincolnshire McSwiggins?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 10:44 PM

Penelope, that was a low blow.

West, you know where to reach me. Just make up your bloody mind about it. I have to know whether I am or am not in training for the balance of the holidays.

And you stupid, sodding Yankees and Canucks can all bloody well sod off!!!!

WW-J

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 10:29 PM

Bee-Dub, Sherlock's lousy spelling has me thinking he's you! Now that IS devious. Either that or he's Tweed, but I don't think so. Tweed spells even worse than that. Either that or it's Khandu, who is clearly descending into some sort of hallucinatory frenzy, due to delusions of grandeur combined with way too much marmite and gatorade.

At any rate, I like your line of reasoning.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 10:20 PM

Dear Sherlock Holmes,

May I point out one vital piece of evidence that you seem to have overlooked in your rush to convict our friend Little Hawk of impersonating one or more Twillingsgate residents.

If you will compare the posting records of Little Hawk and Ms Rutledge you will find that on any date that Ms Rutledge made one or more posts to this forum, Little Hawk also made one or more posts. At first glance, this would seem to be incriminating circumstantial evidence. In reality, exactly the opposite is true. A devious mind like that of our Little Hawk would be absolutely certain to guard against the possibility of being caught in the act by seeding the forum with posts made in Ms Rutledge's name at times when it would have been patently impossible for him to do the posting himself. If Little Hawk can say, "It is absolutely impossible for me to have made that post at that time on that date because I was on an airplane over the Atlantic Ocean" his ass is covered. The fact that he has left his ass uncovered is prime evidence of his innocence. People like Little Hawk always cover their asses.

Convoluted? You bet your sweet ass it is. Johnny Cochran's probably in awe.

Sincerely,

Bee-dubya-ell

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Sherlock Holmes
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:34 PM

Little Hawk,
Of coarse, of coarse I was mistaken when I said you were abandoned by the female species. Upon my investigation I did certainly know that it was you that abandoned the spieces.

I also knew about that blow-up Margaret Thatcher dolly of yours but I did not want to turn this into some kind of public humiliation, that my friend, you can do on your own.

Upon futher investigating, I also concluded that your alias is in fact Penelope Rutledge. Your writing styles are similar and your response to me also indicated that you are the guilty party, by not responding to all allegations.

Thank you for confirming my suspicions I am indeed quite satisfied now, so I suspend all surveillance practices.

Yours very truely,
Sherlock Holmes

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:30 PM

ALAS, King Khandu has been found wandering far from home, wild of speech and disorientated in extremis. Alas!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:19 PM

Uh, no this ain't MOAB, wrong thread, never you mind!\

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: khandu
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM

HAW!!!!!! It is I! King khandu! In a triumphant rage!!!!
My two remaining Royal Forkers pretended to be 2000000 Royal Forkers and scared the besatan outta them morality police! Then I smote them severely about the head, neck & shoulders!!

STAND DOWN, thou good and faithful servants of MOAB! Great shall be thy reward!!!

To the Twilightzonegate bunch, including MS PR, get the hell off our thread, you tea sipping sissies! This ain't no social club! This is MOAB!!!!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM

I have hesitated to do this, even to the extent of sending a blank message, but I feel honour must be served and the truth told.

Know all, that I, Nigel West, Captain in HM's Coldstream Guards, name Winston Wellington-Jones a COWARD and a CAD, and quite unfit to associate with decent people.

When such charges are made the reasons for them should be understood. Know that I have documentary and photographic evidence to prove the following:

*that while a student at St. Dismas School, Wellington-Jones did abuse those "fagging" for him in the most beastial and brutal manner, details of which will be supplied only to adult men of the world;

*that while a student at this school he was found on numerous occassions to have broken into the Porter's Cottage, looking for drink;

*that he was well known to the Masters and Fellows as a drunken lay-about who would rather thrash those in the First Form than socialize with those his own age;

*that while at University he was known as "Winston Wellies" from his favored footwear;

*that when asked to try for the Eleven he begged off, saying that his face was "far too pretty to be mashed up for something a silly as the honour of the School";

*that at numerous private parties in the University Commons he did appear wearing only a satin corset and high-heeled shoes, asking to be called "Winnie dear";

*that he has never been able to hold either his liquor or his tongue;

*that he has been often challenged, but on the sole occassion he accepted a challenge he fled upon discovering that his opponent was not, as he first thought, confined to a Bath chair.

Let him answer these charges as he will.

Nigel West, DSO
Captain, Her Majesty's Coldstream Guards

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain West
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 08:56 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 07:51 PM

I avow, my high friends and low, and those who are both, that this fine thread is one of the most colorful and interesting things to cross my weary desk since the March on Selma. Well, maybe since the Blues Fiction thread, anyway...Bravo!! Keep it up!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 07:38 PM

Since you must insist on opening your big mouth in public, Winston...

I think everyone should now that:

I was the one who initiated that kiss under the gazebo back in 1983.

And he was terrified! :>)

Now just stop it. Shut off your little typing machine, go to the club, and play darts or something. Really...

* PR

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 07:27 PM

Aha! Got to him, did you, Penelope? I thought you might. Well, now the coward is shown in his true colours, skulking about in fear of his life with a pistol...and a life preserver! Ha! Ha! Ha! No doubt expects me to sink his punt on the next canal outing! Ha! Ha!

Well, it's a damn shame. I was looking forward to a good dustup in January. However, this means I can forego training and continue indulging in the customary "pleasures of the flesh" without letup right through the holidays, so there's a bright side to it after all.

India? Well, why not? I've been thinking of buying a private jet.   Put aside this nonsense about Captain "Wassiname" and we can jet out there together for the holidays.

And try being just a little bit less sarcastic, Penny...I may be a libertine, but I am not completely without scruples.

Dave Bryant - I am not too old for Penelope. I am 27. When I was 7 and she was 5, we kissed under the gazebo at Rutledge Mansion. I, of all people, should know if I was too old for Ms Rutledge. You accuse me of being a roue and an addict to drink and gambling. Well, sir, I beg to differ. Though my dalliances with the fair sex are, at this point, a legend, I am far too young to fit the term "roue". I shall no doubt be a roue some time later...in my 50's, 60's and 70's. Count on it. As for gambling and alcohol, I admit to a liking for both. I make no apologies for that.

Now why don't you idiotic lot of yanks get off this thread and go back to eating hominy grits, skinning "possums" and menacing underage girls...

WW-J

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 05:57 PM

When do we ride? The boys are gettin' restless, the girls are gettin' frisky, and the bars are doing a roaring business.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 05:27 PM

Bee-Dub, Knower ob Something, I will be riding into battle Celtic Floridian style. Naked wif spray-on tan and mirror shades shined and gleaming. I figger to come out of the east at dawn with the ravening hordes decorated likewise. We all should hook up at Bradfordville the nite before though, az I heer thar iz an hellacious blues club located thar.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 04:52 PM

Sorry, slight setback. Crack shot "Mustache" Red seems to have shot crack shot "Rustles" Gooch right in the ol' crack. So we only have 199 ready to ride.

Doc says Rustles will be okay, he was just creased.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 04:05 PM

Thet's a big ol' ten-fore fer Tweed an' Rapaire an' ennybuddy else wants t' he'p git His Mos' Highest Masjestical's testicals away frum th' vishus Orc-like menyuns ov Rebrun' Falwell. I hav gathered up th' SWAT Team (Simple-minded White Alabama Trailer-trash) frum down here in Bubbaland an' we iz on ar way. We hav sent spies t' all th' Waffle Houses wiffin a 300 mile radius ov Tupelo so thar ain't no way them sumbitches kin sneek Ar Khing outta Mizzippi.

We awate futher 'struckshuns regardin' whar we mite wanna rondeevoo so az t' git th' mos' dramatick affeck frum th' sooprize attak wiffout mersee thet we will be launchin' upone them Moh-rality sumbitches.

'Splain one thang t' me tho', Tweed. 'Zackly whut dawg iz it you ar plannin' on enterin' into this fite frum down yonder in South Florida? Iz you gonna blind th' enemy wif th' refleckshun frum yore Ray-Bans? Or mebbe shock an' awe 'em wif th' yore perfeck suntan?

Bubba-dubya-ell

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 02:54 PM

Yeeha -- let's here it for the Thumbless Dakotan Dally-lads of Idaho and their Tie-On Fellow-Travelers!! Git 'em up, an' git 'em movin'!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 02:35 PM

Khandu, the Idaho Contingent stands ready! Say the word and 200 crack horseman and crack shots (the same 200, too) will ride like the wind to your aid. Headers and heelers, dallymen and tie-ons, Budweiser drinkers and real men (and women), calf cutters and banjo pickers, we await your command!!

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 09:56 AM

Wellington-Jones!

I am posting you here in this forum, at the Vicar's Arms, and at Twillingsgate House, publicly, as a cowardly bully, a nancy-boy, and one unfit for decent society.

Yes, I am in possesion of Several Letters and a Photograph, written by you when you were at public school (St. Dismas? Come now!) and later at University. They show quite clearly your brutality towards your fags and your prefered mode of dress at University. (Really, old chap, a satin corset in that colour hardly does justice those sneering mustachios you affected! And those shoes! Tsk, tsk!)

Since it is quite clear that you are no gentleman and decidedly my social inferior (if not indeed a common criminal), I must withdraw my challenge and replace it with my pity. May I suggest that you take Miss Rutledge's advice, and better it by beginning life anew abroad? I understand that few questions are asked in, oh, the Northwest Territories.

Because I fear ambush, I have made arrangements with the police that I might go about armed. Please be advised that I am carrying both a revolver and a life preserver and am quite capable of using either one if necessary.

Yours,
Captain Nigel West

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Tweed
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 08:24 AM

MY KNHING!!

Say the word and I will amass THE FORCE D'TUPELONIANS to dispatch yore captores with great malaise and discomfortness. We march to Flamabama at dawn to unite with the Fupped Duck Know obv Thangs an' hiz crew ob miscreants and in-bred half breeds. Stay in yore hole in the ground til the sound of gnashing ob teeth comes to an end.

Az fore Winston-Salem, I cerilly hop thet you stay on yore side ob the water and in thet manner avoid the humiliation of a public spanking.

F.M.(Force Majore)Tweed
MOAB.org

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge to announce engagement
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 16 Dec 03 - 06:54 AM

Winston, Penelope must be seriously in love if she's so keen to pack you off abroad. On the other hand, is she trying to keep you out of the way of Captain West because she is afraid that you might tell him things about her that she'd rather he didn't know ?

If PR is only 25 (which I rather doubt - she seems to have far too much knowledge of the world) - then don't you think that she is rather young for an old roue like you - especially one who is known to be greatly addicted to drinking and gambling.