BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 09:09 AM

Why would a farmer be in need of a mongoose, let alone two of them?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 02:50 PM

"Lunch Workout"

Having gone out for a large lunch with fellow
workers, a secretary from our office who runs
regularly was especially motivated to get to the
gym after work.

Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food,
suggested that she run an extra lap for him. As
she was leaving the office, she called to the boss,
"Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll
be on your lap in half an hour!"

This time, realizing what she'd just said, her face
turned red *before* her workout.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 06:38 AM

... and another reference: First Joke Thread for 2008

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Jan 08 - 01:04 PM

From Becca:
AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the UK, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jan 08 - 11:27 AM

A Christmas Motorcycle Ride

Four old-timers were riding motorcycles for their weekly ride to the diner, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without getting any argument go directly to the garage and get the bike, meet his buddies and ride a round.


His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.' Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are at the diner.


The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'


Number 2 guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'


Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'


They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they've lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this Bike ride. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or a ride with the motorcycle club!'
And she said...





"Take a sweater."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Jan 08 - 03:01 PM

In Dante's Divine Comedy, over the gates of hell was written

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"


Someone proposed that a related note should be seen above every computer,

"Abandon hope, all ye who press 'Enter' here"

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 11:20 PM

Some back references
The Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007
known as "The Fifth Koke Thread for 2007"
The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 08:41 PM

I'm not over-excited by your latest joke, Amos.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 04:24 PM

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local tech college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Splott Man
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 10:36 AM

Jesus and Satan were always arguing about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for eons, and, frankly, God, even with his
infinite patience, was just a little bit tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough! I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
-- for once, and for all! -- who is better on the computer."

The very next day, the Ultimate Computer Match-Up began: Satan and Jesus sat
down at their respective keyboards, and on the command, "GO!", started to
compute.

They typed.

They moused.

They formatted.

They did fancy fonts.

They copied.

They cut-and-pasted.

The touched up photos.

They faxed.

They emailed.

They emailed with inserts, and backgrounds.

They emailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets and databases.

They did sound.

They filtered music.

They made play lists.

They edited video, with three-track sound.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man and woman.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The power came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE!
I've lost everything! Arrrgh!!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past
two hours of work. Satan observed this, and became highly irate.

"Wait!" Satan screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,










"Jesus saves."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 08 - 07:43 PM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.........

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Pseudolus
Date: 03 Jan 08 - 01:52 PM

A farmer is in need of some new animals so he decides to write a letter and put it in the newspaper. It reads, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of some mongeese...". He didn't think that sounded right so he tried again, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of some mongooses..." He didn't think that sounded right either, so he finally tried this, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Jan 08 - 03:50 PM

According to my religion, to eat bread at Passover is as bad as committing adultery.

A friend of mine tried them both; and he can't see the comparison.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 06:39 PM

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking role!!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:49 PM

Oh, I get it, that's the first joke on the second thread.

Ivor

Subject: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: skipy
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:02 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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2nd? Yes it is! I started the "first joke thread of 2008" way back in 2007!
Skipy