Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:07 PM

No....

But I bet it was good.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 12:04 PM

"...inspired by God ..."

nope, Kierkegaard.

Well, we'll see, Little Hawk...after this last craft show ends tonight....but you may regret asking for the unabridged version.
Remember the one that Shambles got from me?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 11:20 AM

It's an absolutely deathless piece of prose. Bill has outdone himself. He must have been inspired by God when he wrote that. ;-)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Janie
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 11:56 PM

Way to go, Bill. I knew you had it in you!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 11:23 PM

Oh, send it by PM.


A

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 09:50 PM

Wonderful, Bill, wonderful! I take it that that is the abridged version? A mere delicious fragment to whet our appetites? Well, I for one am champing at the bit to here the entirety of it. May I forward you an appropriately generous stipend and be the first to receive an autographed copy of the first edition when it comes out?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 08:12 PM

Well done, the Bad, Altered Ego! LMAO!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 08:11 PM

So, when do I get my prize? If it isn't forthcoming, I may have to write MORE of that stuff!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:45 PM

Most turgid indeed, Sir William!


A

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:09 PM

Bill stared at his keyboard, trying to decide whether he could really devolve a hiatus and enter a bad writing contest, knowing that his usual eloquent prosody was hard to avoid, except by resorting to the sort of vacillating stream-of-conciousness that was usually construed by less discerning readers as emanating from inferior brains, and which, compared to his (Bill's) illustrious creativity, would neither evoke remonstrations of hilarity at his erudite contortions of nomenclature nor draw the casual peruser of such creativity into any seriously contemplative consideration: even with...or especially with, so many better examples of worseness preceding his pre-emptive attempt to demonstrate how flagrantly muddled it was to truly, in this day and age of practically universal weakness of literary construction, be able to express the essential miasma which delineates the required depths of ...you know... presumptuous verbosity necessary to even raise the eyebrows on the literary critic at the New York Times - much less the masses who congregate at Mudcat's barely reputable forum - so he assigned the task to his altered ego which, when released and not monitored closely, can be counted on to turn out turgid crap like this.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 06:13 PM

clcik on donuel and select any post at random for a superlative example of bad writting.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Slag
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 04:44 AM

I put my mind on fluff and came down with this:

It was a stark and swarmy night. Soddenly a thought fell out, dribbled down the half empty fool and onto his otherwise blank versed page. Could it be A, a B novel beginning of a novel? Or B, a beginning of A, a noble naval novel? Irregardlessly of the past effects of his dilettantish affectations he heroically struggled on beating the keys of his Hapless 250 typewriter until his powerful thirst for another highball rolled up his gorge and poured over his opus magnusing endeavourment. "Damn I'm good", he thought.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Nov 07 - 09:22 PM

Gaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

I don't like Hemingway all that much, but perhaps his arrival on the scene was somewhat fortuitous after all.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Amos
Date: 30 Nov 07 - 07:22 PM

An entry from Harper's Magazine of February 7, 1863, during the Civil War. I have brought it forward because although it met the standards of its day as publishable fiction, it would be instanter rejected in our post-Hemingway era, as unspeakably unwieldy and overlong.

---

"A FEW days afterward Ellinor's father bethought himself that some further communication ought to take place between himself and his daughter's lover on the subject of the approval of the family of the latter to the young man's engagement, and he accordingly wrote a very gentlemanly letter, saying that of course he trusted that Ralph had informed his own father of his engagement; that Mr. Corbet was well known to Mr. Wilkins by reputation, holding the position he did in Shropshire, but that as Mr. Wilkins did not pretend to be in the same station of life, Mr. Corbet might possibly never even have heard of his name, although in his own county it was well known as having been for generations that of the principal conveyancer and land-agent of—shire; that his wife had been a member of the old knightly family of Holsters, and that he himself was descended from
a younger branch of the South Wales De Wintons or Wilkins; that Ellinor, as his only child, would naturally inherit all his property, but that in the mean time, of course, some settlement upon her would be made, the nature of which might be decided nearer the time of the marriage.

"It was a very good straightforward letter, and well fitted for the purpose to which Mr. Wilkins knew it would be applied—of being forwarded to Mr. Ralph Corbet's father. "

---

Note that the above text comprises only two sentences.



A

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: bfdk
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 09:39 AM

Picked at random from a DVD player instruction manual that I had the bad fortune to be asked to translate once:

Change watch angle
While playing DVD press angle key screen show instruct title. DVD disc will change watch angle by pressing this key each time

Lock key (HOLD)
Turn according to the arrow in the button to hold all key in line controller no use, reverse is unlock to resume line controller function

Safety
The beam of unit is baneful. Do not disassemble unit, all correction must be processed by personnel
Pull out adaptor to switch off power supply while liquid dropped into unit

Long time no use unit please unload adaptor and rechargeable battery

Donot place unit under below position:
1) Place is shined by sun directly or heater around. Do not place unit on car panel or package shelf in airproof car to avoid unit malfunction
2) Dust, moist or high temperature place
3) Quaveringly place like car panel or shelf

And plenty of other "goodies" in the same manual, too..

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Mr Happy
Date: 10 Nov 07 - 09:16 AM

........Laura felt his hot breath on her cheek as he ripped the thin silk from..............

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Janie
Date: 09 Nov 07 - 12:42 PM

That qualifies.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Seiri Omaar
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 05:36 PM

.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Adeline Rosa Maria Angelica Elizabeth Mint's head felt like it was going to explode like the pretty fountain in Mama's garden did when she turned on the water for the first time every year for the summertime. She needed Tylenol badly, and she was ready to beat the gardener with her write sock to get that divine, heavenly, pain-eliminating pill. She raised herself from her pink, frilly, Ikea-brand lawnchair and realized with heart-stopping, brain-melting panic that her write sock had dropped off the edge of the planet.
"ANDREW MORGANN GEORGE ROY VALERIAN ALEXANDRO SHOVEL! WHERE IN ALL THE HELLS IN HELL IS YOUR CLUMSY, IDIOTIC, PINK ASS?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!"
The good sir Mr. Shovel would not, and could not, and really should not have responded. His response was falling through the thin as a sheet of paper wall of the wreckity ol' gardening shed. With a woman. A stunningly amazingly gorgeous woman with hairy feet.
The woman screamed as sun poured over like honey over milky white skin. Monsieur Shovel howled in heart-retching agony as her skin lit on fire. He tried to put out the fire with his feet, which only made the retched female shriek in even more agony.
Adeline Rosa Maria Angelica Elizabeth Mint soon found a stake that belonged to her sister's ex-husband's mother's cousin's roommate's sister's girlfriend. You can guess where it ended up. She then decided to become a huntress of vampires, dedicated to eliminating FROM THIS GOOD UNIVERSE all those who bite people. And wear black. Why would you wear black when pink exists, you know?
The good sir Mr. Shovel gave Madame Adeline Rosa Maria Angelica Elizabeth Mint her Tylenol, and slunk like a skunk into the shadowy reck of a shed. And smiled snarkily, wondered whether she'd figure on him using rat poison on her frilly, cross-eyed ass.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hahahahahahaha.... long stupid names.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Amos
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 04:04 PM

Everybody knows what lead feels like, when it tears open your shoulder like a puma opening a rabbit. When it burns like the end of a cigar going through a layer of white thigh. It can change your mind like a full bus barreling through a pedestrian crossing; ask anyone who has been hit by lead, and they'll tell you.

But the glittering-eyed Chinese hitman was not coming at me with lead. He was showing cold, thin steel, and he meant cold, hard business. Thinking of Rosemarie, I stepped toward him..,

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Alba
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 02:50 PM

Amos, Kat, Mmario...

Yes indeed, no doubt about it. Those are some fine examples of Bad Writing .... Can I have some more please...LOL

Jude :)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: MMario
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 02:26 PM

The mal-odourous but almost sweet fumes rising like clouds from the dank foul-smelling liquid of the mist covered tarn that lay shrouded in darkness beneath the heavily shadowed mountains at the foot of the valley clung to his nasel membrenes as if they were wet velvet sleeves on a young maiden.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 02:20 PM

Oh, Amos, that was truly awrfull!

Okay then:

Turning her head, slightly, not all the way to the left, but just a bit off-centre, Mindy could see out of the window as she lay on the hospital bed. She wasn't sure how she got there, something about going down a drain kept flitting across the movie screen in her head, but if she tried too hard to remember it made her head hurt, so she looked out the window and tried not to remember.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 01:57 PM

It was a dark and stormy night. There was nothing much on TV so I just went to bed.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Amos
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 01:46 PM

Evening fell across the dark lagoon like Spaw-gas filling a crowded bus. The moon, gentle as a limp member, rose slowly over the horizon. Metilde quietly slipped out of her bikini, and slipped into the warm, placid waters, which welcomed her, absorbed her like a good sewer absorbs a flush -- uncomplaining, quiescent, flowing quietly.

A

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Aug 07 - 01:30 PM

Well, I ain't no porno spam and I think this deserves another refresh, esp. the beginning posts of it!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 06:44 PM

Ancient history. It wouldn't even be on the board now if it hadn't been refreshed by a porno spam post (since deleted).

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 04:16 PM

This was a great thread once. Go back to the beginning and see.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: GUEST,GS
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 03:49 PM

I lit the barbecue one night last year,
The sun shone bright, the day was crystal clear.
That barbecue, put an end to all my strife,



Next line please?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 02:36 PM

Whooooo... Yeah, Mike!

*holds up lit BIC lighter*

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: GUEST,georgiansilver
Date: 26 Dec 06 - 05:35 AM

Woke up Christmas mornin'
My wife was dead.
Reindeer came down the chimney,
And stepped on her head.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Dec 06 - 11:26 PM

Maybe it could be made a permathread?

~S~

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 03:54 AM

Indeed, LeeJ...it's happened to so many good threads.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 12:48 AM

Y'know, this WAS a clever and fun thread that Peter started. Too bad Joe O didn't close it about July 28.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: GUEST,Bob Kelly
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 12:00 AM

Twas the thirty third of May
when my Darling passed away
She had never died so suddendly before
She was sitting in a chair
and she didn't like it there
so she got up and died upon the floor

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: GUEST,gladiator
Date: 10 Aug 04 - 12:03 PM

El ted you are obviously a "centurion"

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Aug 04 - 12:43 AM

el ted, you are in the grip of an obsession...or an odd hobby...depending on how one looks at it. :-)

I would do some bad writing, but I need to go to sleep at this point.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Aug 04 - 10:25 PM

So the Foul Mouth Martin Gibson is back!

(Those few days seem to have made no difference to his meds)

So is the writing challenge!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: el ted
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:38 AM

is mine! Bat on darlings.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: el ted
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:37 AM

post

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: el ted
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:37 AM

300th

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: el ted
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:36 AM

The

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: el ted
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:10 AM

me

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:04 AM

Marty crept slowly up the path carefully carrying the limp body so none would see it. Then with a deft movement he dropped it on Sir jOhn from Hull's driveway. That should sort him out he thought. Now who is next on the list!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Amergin
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 05:07 PM

Gee what a surprise....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 04:51 PM

I don't see myself as trolling..I have responded to some trolling and have laid out a couple of literal challenges...In my mind that is the best way to deal with someone who rides others..a bully. What do you think?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 04:44 PM

Amergin...after the PM's I received and support on certain threads, I decided to stay. You have a problem with that?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Amergin
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 04:41 PM

I thought you were staying out of the bs threads? If that's the case why are you trolling?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 04:32 PM

So the saga continues.
Martin in his wisdom, decided that he needed a holiday to escape the hostility on the Mudcat, so he took himself and his family away for a while. He told the Mudcatters that he was away on holiday but secretly they all knew he would be in the first internet cafe to find out what was happening on the Cat, if indeed he was really on holiday at all. Holidays do not keep people from the internet. Besides, Martin would so miss Georgiansilver that he could not resist coming into the arena to insult/wind up/shout expletives at him. Tough guys from Chicago would never wimp out when dealing with retired guys who are published writers...or would they?
Martin...the challenge is still on.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 02:10 PM

refresh

Subject: RE: Mudcat Bad Writing Contest (Enter Often)
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 11:16 AM

Have a nice holiday Martin..you and your family and come back refreshed...to meet the challenge on those two threads....I will keep them refreshed till your triumphant return. Best wishes.