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BS: Joke thread for 2025
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 27 Oct 25 - 01:57 PM This Halloween will be without cheap Chinese products, but the Trump zombies will search to fire the remaining brains, witches will fly off their broom handles, and ghouls without costumes will get whole brain bread because of the high price of chocolate. "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies." Why is the pedophile's favorite holiday Halloween? Free delivery. What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin Why did the witch divorce the warlock? Because he had a hollow weenie. Why don’t witches wear panties? Better grip on the broom |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 27 Oct 25 - 08:22 AM I just came across a suggestion for an addition to the game of chess. A piece called the executive. It can move in any direction to any square. I can't be taken or take, it just "gets in the way". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 24 Oct 25 - 02:53 AM Pomme d'terre merde? Hold the gravy............... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 23 Oct 25 - 10:47 AM The new manageress arrived at the Care Home. She called a meeting of all staff and residents and told them that male resident rooms are out of bounds for female residents and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $10 the first time, $20 the second time and $50 the third time…….. An eighty two year old lady stood up and demanded ‘’So how much is a season ticket’’?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 23 Oct 25 - 05:13 AM On a crisp October evening, our family was roasting marshmallows and making S'mores when we heard a commotion. The house across the street was on fire! We all ran over to the house and saw our neighbors had rescued their dogs as flames grew high. The neighbor's wife looked up amid the sirens in the distance and sobbed 'How could you?" starring right at us. We looked down and saw we all had marshmallows on a stick. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 04 Oct 25 - 08:01 AM In the movie Martian, poop fertilized potatoes was the main course. Yum. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 03 Oct 25 - 06:52 AM Pomme d'terre merde? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 03 Oct 25 - 03:46 AM "most creative serial killer" Grain of truth there. just a "rye" thought but what will they grow & eat when they get there? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Sep 25 - 04:54 PM Elon Musk wants to send people to Mars. I think we can all agree that he is the most creative serial killer of all time. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 29 Sep 25 - 01:19 PM I was walking through the graveyard earlier and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone I said "'moring" He replied "No, just having a shit" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 28 Sep 25 - 06:49 AM The spread of COVID was caused by: 1) A dense population 2) A dense population |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 27 Sep 25 - 09:23 AM Donuel - that is funny |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 26 Sep 25 - 08:59 AM No, but many of them are now voyeurs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 26 Sep 25 - 05:21 AM Donuel~?~?~?~? Do doorbells have sex~? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 25 Sep 25 - 06:49 PM You can't make a joke about a comedian's free speech. Because by the time you're done, they've already tried to cancel you for not being funny enough. Knock knock. Who's there? Free Speech. Shut up and use the fucking doorbell. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 25 Sep 25 - 06:01 PM Tylenol is the new bleach |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 24 Sep 25 - 06:26 AM The new manageress arrived at the Care Home. She called a meeting of all staff and residents and told them that male resident rooms are out of bounds for female residents and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined £10 the first time, £20 the second time and £50 the third time…….. An eighty two year old lady stood up and demanded ‘’So how much is a season ticket’’?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 20 Sep 25 - 03:14 PM She must have been a pilots daughter because she had a fur lined cockpit! She was the Tobacconists daughter..best shag in town! She was the telegraphers daughter and she didit didit didit! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 18 Sep 25 - 04:12 AM Then there is the fella who invented a clockwork rectum So he could wind up an asshole. |
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Subject: a viol joke From: Mr Red Date: 17 Sep 25 - 05:33 AM How to tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle 1) a violin has a brown neck at the end, a fiddle has a redneck. 2) a violin has strings, a fiddle has strangs. 3) look at the nut holding the bow 4) the beer stains from Words Unraveled videos Bonus quip = "As new Theremin for sale - untouched" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 14 Sep 25 - 08:51 AM The chairman of a local MAGA cell decides to go check how his fellow conservatives are doing. He walks into a MAGA revenge rally and sits down. Before the rally starts, there are 15 minutes of Trump propaganda, with him giving a boring speech "like no one has ever seen". Everyone stands up and starts wildly clapping and cheering. The local chairman is so inspired that he is frozen, soaking in the love. A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his right bends over and whispers directly in his ear. " I know how you feel, but if you don't want to be deported, you'd better stand up and clap." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Sep 25 - 06:48 AM Reminded me of the African tribal chieftan who had a golden throne made. It was so beautiful that after a while he decided he had better hide it away in case someone tried to steal it so he hoisted it up to the rafters of his home where no-one could find it. Trouble was, his house was made in the traditional manner with Wattle and daub walls and a grass thatched roof. It couldn't hold all that weight and the roof eventually collapsed. He was in at the time and when the throne fell it killed him :-( Just goes to prove that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Sep 25 - 06:42 AM One from Steve :-) An undertaker decided to update his fleet of cars, so he had them converted via AI to self-driving. He thought he'd better try one out before using them for real funerals, so he took it to the edge of a lake, fully expecting it to stop automatically at the edge of the water. Unfortunately, it didn't, and the poor chap was drowned. The moral? You can take the hearse to the water but you can't make it think... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Sep 25 - 07:52 AM In the US, reading for fun is down by 40% but an exception is a series of books for older people called 'Night of the Assisted Living Dead'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 08 Sep 25 - 08:29 PM Dave, Trump's Erectile dysfunction is so severe the only thing Viagra makes hard is his heart arteries. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 08 Sep 25 - 07:56 PM What has two butts and kills people? An assassin! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Sep 25 - 09:39 AM Oh, and 400 :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Sep 25 - 09:38 AM Well done, Don! That was actually a joke :-D Mind you, it would never happen. If the Pope was wearing his frock, Trump would try to shag him... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 06 Sep 25 - 04:41 PM In Chicago with troops in the streets, the Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Trump replied, "Bullshit. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped him hard in the face and the crowd went wild! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 31 Aug 25 - 03:36 PM A preacher has fallen through a rope bridge crossing a raging river. He's managed to grab a rope and is dangling in mid-air. A man calls to him from the bridge "Do you need any help preacher?" "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he'll look after me". A boat comes along and the skipper tells him to drop to the deck "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he won't let me down". The preacher eventually falls into the river and is eaten by a crocodile. He gets to Heaven and says to God "I've served you, had faith in you - what happened?" And God says "Well, I don't know, I sent a man and a boat..." -F |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Aug 25 - 03:35 PM Infants and toddlers can be aggravating and loud, so god made a baptism rule to get into heaven. Recently, god made the cutoff at 24 hours after birth. Heaven is much quieter now. Rules are rules. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 29 Aug 25 - 09:55 AM The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven say a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 28 Aug 25 - 06:21 AM New terms I haven't seen before: in answer to "does anyone have one [a PDP11/73] to test it on?", someone said:
There then followed a discussion on the possible Freudian slip for "filing system", concluded by:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 27 Aug 25 - 07:40 AM Just saw this ....
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 26 Aug 25 - 11:45 AM The Welsh for Microwave (Oven) is: Poppty Ping The literal translation for poppty is "oven" - note to Cymraigophones that is what Google thinks also "popty microdon". & I did buy a packet of Welsh Cakes that declared - "Poppty Jones" - Jones the Baker I guess. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 24 Aug 25 - 03:16 AM Just found this in an unrelated context: How to Use a Microwave Without Summoning Satan
Go safely when you cook, folks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 18 Aug 25 - 08:35 AM ...a rare real lol... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 17 Aug 25 - 03:52 PM A lot of people say "Donald Trump is a piece of shit" But they don't say that on the Isle of Lewis, where his mother came from. They say "Donald Trump is a piece o' shite". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 16 Aug 25 - 07:04 PM The car repair shop that fixes cars whose symptoms disappear when brought to the dealership uses excarcisms and is called 'The power of Chrysler compels you'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 14 Aug 25 - 10:08 AM Found this in Genius at Play (a book about the mathematician John Conway): Conway was at a pig-roast, at which it happened that there was a table of French speakers, and another of English speakers (including Conway). A French person gestures to two spare chairs at the latter table, and asks, "May we?" CONWAY: Mais oui! It is his proudest pun, of which he's said, "I've been trying to set it up again ever since." |
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Subject: due diligence From: Mr Red Date: 14 Aug 25 - 05:16 AM er, the name just died! Terry Rudolph Note to self.......... read the small print |
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Subject: Quantum Joke for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 14 Aug 25 - 05:12 AM A quantum computer start-up in Australia - PsiQuantum - one of its four co-founders - is the grandson of Erwin Schrödinger source New Scientist - though he must be an investor, not listed on website. But as PR goes - it goes a long way So the fate of his cat may hang eternally in the balance but his name lives. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Aug 25 - 04:36 PM Donald Trump is flying over Washington DC. He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people lucky!" Don Jr. looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy." Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!" Melania turns to him and says, "Master, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people as pleased as punch!" Donald looks at her and says, "That is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!" The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people ecstatic?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 10 Aug 25 - 05:38 PM Those who hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot Those in favour of glove puppets, put your hand up. |
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Subject: a dancing joke From: Mr Red Date: 10 Aug 25 - 08:09 AM At a dance in Sidmouth I commented when the name of the dance was called. The caller thought it so excruciating he decided to repeat it. Probably in his repertoire now. He "Bishop" Me "Mitres Well" The groans from the assembled dancers were very rewarding. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Aug 25 - 10:34 AM Couple of Yorkshire jokes from my fellow ex-pat Lancastrian :-D Q. How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb? A. Eyup, lad, it's not that dark... A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed. He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. He'd asked for his family to be gathered in his bedroom to say their goodbyes. “Is me darling wife here wi' me?” “Yes, love, I'm here..." “And me son, is he 'ere in t'bedroom wi' me?” “Aye, dad, I’m here.” "Warrabout me lovely daughter?" "Aye, dad, here I am, and all your grandkids are here too. Everybody's here..." “Then why's bloody light still on in t' front room?” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 07 Aug 25 - 01:11 PM How to be Irritating by Nancy Mace Nancy Mace calls herself Trump in high heels |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 02 Aug 25 - 08:38 AM Shooting at Stones by Rick O'Shea |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Aug 25 - 12:24 PM Sorry Don. We don't keep time. We built the Paris underground train system. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 01 Aug 25 - 10:01 AM Yesterday I was in Gainsborough and found myself behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called Lincoln Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck." |
