Song Challenge! - Part 60

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 05:47 PM

Aine, darlin:

No -- I don't get it!!!?? And what's worse I can't even spot what I don't get!!!! TYoo subtle fe rme!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: SharonA
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 05:17 PM

Trapper: I'm jealous; that was superb. mousethief: lissome - piss some?!? *screaming laugh ...again*


ASPIRATION
(Tune: "Fascination")

It was aspiration, I know;
Something must have wended its way up his nose.
Just a gasping sniff, then his briefs were stiff
And I might have gone but for how long his hose was.

It was medication, I know,
Making him so bone-stiff for what would come next.
Couldn't turn him on, but the moment he breathed in,
Aspiration turned to sex!


('Tain't much, but nothing else is "coming" to me.)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Áine
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 04:44 PM

Hoo-haw, another fine song from Trapper! Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for your c*ckle-of-the-heart warming:

Well I wrote Viagara off, for I'd not an hour to spend
"Miss April" served me twenty years, then met her sorry end
An implant seemed too drastic, with a pump hung down below
And they'd laugh at me when I had to "go"...
But I surfed the web all winter, some days around the clock
I'd feel just like a million, with a thick enormous c*ck
Then I read about a nasal spray to put my love tool on the mend,
And for Mary Ellen Carter rise again!

Question for All Challenge!rs: I posted this message in SC! Part 59; but, apparently no one read it, and this enquiring mind wants to know -- "Here's a message for you Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award winners (and wannabees) -- I'm wondering why no one has gotten my 'bold' joke . . . derrymacash, surely you get it, don't you? ;-)"

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Trapper
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 02:26 PM

I'm REALLY sorry about this one... but it was crying out to be parodied for this challenge. I'm sure Stan would understand...

- Al

MARY ELLEN CARTER
New words by Al Boyce 7/13/2001

She went down last October in my brand new all-terrain
Wild Turkey we'd been drinkin, and my gal, she felt no pain
I was close to an erection so she dealt one final blow...
And Mary Ellen Carter settled low
She worked for half an hour before consciousness was lost
She'd worked like hell to coax me, all heedless of the cost
And the groan she gave as she went down, it caused me to proclaim
That for Mary Ellen Carter I'd rise again!

Well I wrote Viagara off, for I'd not an hour to spend
"Miss April" served me twenty years, then met her sorry end
An implant seemed too drastic, with a pump hung down below
And they'd laugh at me when I had to "go"...
But I surfed the web all winter, some days around the clock
I'd feel just like a million, with a thick enormous c*ck
Then I read about a nasal spray to put my love tool on the mend,
And for Mary Ellen Carter rise again!

CHO:
Rise again, Rise again
With a Sildenafil sniff from the U of K men
In just five minutes time, 9 inches end-to-end
And for Mary Ellen Carter rise again!

All spring I searched my mailbox for the package that they'd sent
While Mary waited patiently, my unit still was bent
I'd ordered it a month ago, but mail service here is slow
Thank God she still had strength to go "below"...
Then I saw the mail truck coming as I hurried home from town
In my box he placed a package with brown paper all around
And inside was that inhaler to rejuvenate my "friend"...
And for Mary Ellen Carter to rise again!

For I couldn't leave it hang you see to wither and to pale
It'd saved my life so many times, with Debbie, Jill and Gail
And the laughing, drunken brats when I could not pierce their "cave"
They won't be laughing in another day
And you, to whom your girlfriend has dealt her final blow
With your horn-dog friends laughing at you everywhere you go
Insert and sniff Sildenafil, then watch it with a grin
And in Mary Ellen Carter, Rise again!

CHO2:
Rise again, rise again
Though your tool it be broken, sex life about to end
No matter what it cost, Sildenafil's your friend
For in Mary Ellen Carter to rise again!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 12:12 PM

Actually, I don't. That part of my brain has been walled off by the Voices and refuses to relenquish its contents.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Áine
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:49 AM

Oh mousethief, you bad boy you! I love it -- and it's definitely another Silverplated Spittoon candidate!! Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. (and you do remember what that is now, don't you?) for:

"But wait!" the other lady said,
"Surely lovin' gives you a good feelin'?"
"Oh yes," the first one nods 'er 'ead,
"It's just I 'ate the bedroom ceilin'!"

Just brilliant! -- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:42 AM

Guest judy/greg: the best way to get your lyric request seen is to start a new thread. Actually two; one for each song you want. Some people (and presumably some of our best lyric sniffers) never check these humor threads.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:36 AM

My husband's got Viagra in him
tune: My husband's got no courage in him

As I walked out one May morning
As all the larks were wingin'
I saw two ladies on a fence
And one of them 'er 'ands was wringin'

O! dear O! -- O! dear O!
Me 'usband's got Viagra in 'im!
O! dear O!

For twenty years we bounced in bed
When 'e was young and lissome
Only gettin' up to comb 'is 'ead
Or wash or maybe piss some

O! dear O! -- O! dear O!
Me 'usband's got Viagra in 'im!
O! dear O!

Then another ten years I had reprieve
When Willie-o grew flaccid
And me 'usband took (would you believe!)
All manner of potions and acids

O! dear O! -- O! dear O!
Me 'usband's got Viagra in 'im!
O! dear O!

But nothing could put 'is Johnson right
Which didn't bother me none
Until one dark and fateful night
A little blue pill grew his wee one

O! dear O! -- O! dear O!
Me 'usband's got Viagra in 'im!
O! dear O!

But the little blue pill was a slowsome way
To satisfy me mannie
This week 'e came 'ome with a nasal spray
That quickly grows 'is Stanley

O! dear O! -- O! dear O!
Me 'usband's got Viagra in 'im!
O! dear O!

Six children I have raised and fed
And sent off to seek their fortune
And I told my daughters, "Keep your maiden'ead!"
"Let no man you importune!"

O! dear O! -- O! dear O!
Me 'usband's got Viagra in 'im!
O! dear O!

"But wait!" the other lady said,
"Surely lovin' gives you a good feelin'?"
"Oh yes," the first one nods 'er 'ead,
"It's just I 'ate the bedroom ceilin'!"

O! dear O! -- O! dear O!
Me 'usband's got Viagra in 'im!
O! dear O!

Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From:
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:35 AM

jim blake,by vernon delhart,some time in the 20,s.help me out with the words and i,ll name my next kid after you.

also,curley loved that highborn lassey sence the day so long ago when he found her in the mountian lost and blinded by the snow. greg

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: MMario
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:33 AM

Amos - it took you sixty challenges to realize this?

man, I thought *I* was naive!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:30 AM

Boy, give this motley crew a penis or a bathroom function to write about and they go Mudcat Mad!!! Hmmmm....

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: MMario
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:12 AM

I wanted to do a parody to "I've got no strings" but all I could come up with was a first line:

I need a string to tie me down..."

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:09 AM

I am speechless; and that's rarer than a flagpole raising event in a banker's boudoir!!

You guys are all wunnerful.

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Áine
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 11:07 AM

Well, I can tell that you all are gonna keep me 'hopping' on this one . . . Here are some more well-earned Silver B.L.O.B.s:

To MMario for the 'fantastick' lines:
Like a flagpole, straight and stiff
You will be if once you sniff
Just inhale and you will see
Your dreams come true!

And to Scabby Doug for the melancholy:

Now I've searched the pharmacies far and wide
For every inhaler they can provide
But Although my nostrils are clean and wide
I've never found another

Keep it going, Challenge!rs ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Áine
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 09:44 AM

Wow! What you all can come up with when I'm asleep in my bed, dreaming of new Challenge!s to perplex you with . . . Here are the Silver B.L.O.B.s for the wondrous bits of verse so far:

To Micca for an ultimate spit-take with:

so all the young ladys
are lamenting each day
for the hour of waiting
was once spent in foreplay
now their fellas are falling
back to their old way
wham bam thank you ma am
and I'll be on my way

To Amos, BOTF, for the guffaw producing:

But the lass was every inch a match, she'd not be turned away!
And to cure my poor performance, well, she grabbed a nasal spray,
And she whispered soft and luscious as I fumbled with her clothes,
"See, insertion is a two way street!", amd she poked it up my nose!

To Philibuster for the soon-to-be-oft-quoted:
The stuff that once filled Edward's balls,
Its small blue capsule shed.
Now sits on the shelf on Eckerds walls
In a spray of red.
So shakes the fist of a former senator,
His advertising days are oe'r
And hearts that once waited hours too long,
Now get it long before.

To mousethief for his down-home bonhomme with:

Then Jed read the bottle, it said it takes an hour
His wife was fast asleep before his tool began to flower
He woke her up gently and said, "dear, take off your clothes!"
And she told him very plainly he could stick it up his nose!
But he couldn't, really. It wasn't that long.

And to a chara chóir, derrymacash, for his rally-round-the-flagpole-boys lines:

My staff of life, my wand of love
My pleasure-cudgel's mended
When the ladies visit my bed above
No longer they're offended
We'll frolic and we'll gambol
Play the tunnel and the train
Since I've sniffed out the miracle cure
Inhalation once again

These brilliant B.L.O.B.s bode well for a 'miraculous' Challenge! -- Maith sibh, well done to all!!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 09:37 AM

The Mystery Decongestant
(Tune: The Rigs o' Rye)

Twas in the month of sweet July
When pollen fills the sultry sky
From fields of rapeseed and of rye
From hayfever I was suffering

My lass said "Laddie, your nose is red"
"Catarrh and mucus have filled your head"
To the medicine chest she then me led
To seek a cure for my ailments

She cried "Aha! this is what you need!"
"A decongestant supreme indeed
Although the label I can't... quite... read..
Get this stuck up your nostrils!"

A nostril then I quickly chose
And breathing in, received a dose
The other aperture of my nose
was soon treated likewise

Although my congestion it did not quell
In other ways I felt quite well
In fact I'd say it made me ...swell
It made me quite astonished

My lass was pleased I'd recovered so,
Off to bed she made me go
And I replied "My dearest, no."
Unless you're coming with me

My ardour took her by surprise
Indeed she could not believe her eyes
AS normally my readiness dies
When stricken with any illness

It served us well for many a day
We'd sniff and sniff and away we'd play
The inhaler expired, I'm sad to say
But Vick's just wasn't the same

Now I've searched the pharmacies far and wide
For every inhaler they can provide
But Although my nostrils are clean and wide
I've never found another

Cheers

SD

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: MMario
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 09:33 AM

There's got to be a way to work pinnochio into this...

WHEN YOU SNIFF
(tune:When you wish upon a star)

When you sniff Sildenafil
it works quicker then Viagra will
And the one your heart desires
will come with you!

When your staff will not get stiff
Just grab the inhaler, take a sniff
When you take Sildenafil
as lovers will

Sildenafil
it brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their instant "long"-ing

Like a flagpole, straight and stiff
You will be if once you sniff
Just inhale and you will see
Your dreams come true!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: SharonA
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 08:40 AM

No songs yet, but I was thinking as I read the Challenge! that they ought to have named the product "Sniff 'n Stiff"...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 05:21 AM

To the tune of A Nation Once Again

INHALATION ONCE AGAIN
When boyhood's fire was in my blood
I used to please the weemin
How proud and stiff my manhood stood
They thought they must be dreamin'
I never thought I yet might see
My virility regained
But I've sniffed out a miracle cure
Inhalation once again

CHORUS
Inhalation once again
Inhalation once again
But I've sniffed out a miracle cure
Inhalation once again

How low I sunk when first I found
My downstairs friend had failed me
The girls no longer I'd astound
No longer they would trail me
Quacks and shrinks and medics all
Tried curing me in vain
But I've sniffed out a miracle cure
Inhalation once again

Chorus

My staff of life, my wand of love
My pleasure-cudgel's mended
When the ladies visit my bed above
No longer they're offended
We'll frolic and we'll gambol
Play the tunnel and the train
Since I've sniffed out the miracle cure
Inhalation once again

Chorus (third line changes to "Since I've sniffed, etc.")

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 03:16 AM

Should be a line break (br) between "Pet" and "tune:" -- Joe clone/elf please fix! Thanks.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 03:12 AM

Couldn't wait.

The Ballad of Jed's Limp Pet
tune: The Ballad of Jed Clampett

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed
A man so limp he couldn't please his wife in bed
But then one day he was talkin' with his doc
He got some little blue pills for the firmin' of the cock
(spoken) Viagra, that is. Medical miracle.

So he hurried on home and he said to his wife,
"Prepare yourself for the lovin' of your life!"
She got all hot, and was ready with a will
So into his mouth he popped a little blue pill
Nothing happened. She got bored.

Then Jed read the bottle, it said it takes an hour
His wife was fast asleep before his tool began to flower
He woke her up gently and said, "dear, take off your clothes!"
And she told him very plainly he could stick it up his nose!
But he couldn't, really. It wasn't that long.

So he went back to the doctor the very next day
The doctor said, "try this new nasal spray!"
But Jed said sadly he was runnin' out of dough
But it warn't "the pill" and so 'twas covered by his HMO!
Talk about your social injustice. I mean really.

Now Jed is retired, and it's all very spiffy
Just a snort up his nose and he's got an instant stiffy
They make love all night till they're both completely spent
And the whole thing is paid for by the U.S. Government.
Medicare, that is. God bless America!

Copyright © 2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

line break fixed by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 02:16 AM

Both me and the missus loved yers especially, Amos!

I'll be back tomorrer with me own entry (if you'll excuse the pun).

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Philibuster
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 12:33 AM

Cute? I'm caught somewhere between blushing and kicking your ass, Bill D. =P

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 12:13 AM

++++*blush*++++

Ta kindly, Bill.

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 12:02 AM

Micca's is great..Phil's is cute,,,but Amos...that's classic!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Philibuster
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 11:04 PM

The Stuff That Once Filled Edward's Balls
(to The Harp That Once Thro' Tara's Halls)

The stuff that once filled Edward's balls,
Its small blue capsule shed.
Now sits on the shelf on Eckerds walls
In a spray of red.
So shakes the fist of a former senator,
His advertising days are oe'r
And hearts that once waited hours too long,
Now get it long before.

No more for chiefs and ladies old,
The pill of viagra swells.
The spray alone when used at night,
Will keep the old fart bold.
Thus Richard now more often wakes,
Elizabeth now more gives,
Ladies fear being screwed too much,
Till they no longer live.

=P

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Áine
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 10:47 PM

Once again, Amos, BOTF, stands straight out in his field . . . ;-) Wunnerful, wunnerful, my dear!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Amos
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 10:21 PM

The Aisle Where Sildenafil Stands

(Tune: The Garden Where the Praties Grow)
Click to Play

Have you ever been in love, me boys, Oh! have you felt the pain?
I used to judge I was in love, by the burning in my brain
But thanks to modern science now, I'm master of me glands
And I owe it the aisle where Sildenafril stands.

Chorus: She  was just the sort of creature, lads, that'ss sure to stir your blood

Her curves were so delicious, and her style was awfully good,

But I almost lost the chance for love, when I could not expand

And I met her in the aisle where Sildenafil stands!

It was in the aisle at QuickRite where this colleen met me eye,
And our minds they met like forest flames against the evening sky
It was pretty near miraculous how quickly we did fall,
And we grappled by the gardenware, in front of God and all!

Chorus

It was getting energetic, and we moved and swung and swayed
We finally tumbled to the floor just past the Hearing Aids!
She was fire, ice and thunder!  I was putty in her hands,
By the time we reached the aisle where Sildenafil stands

Chorus

Says I, "My lovely darling, I'm I would take ye here and now!
She pressed right up against me, and murmured "Tell me how!"
"Oh whisper dirty words to me, and slay me with your charms!"
And my words were fine and florid and she melted in me arms

Chorus

We were pressed against the counters where they stack the hair shampoo
And the moment was upon us when I strangely came unglued
I had never done it "retail", and my mind began to creak,
And although me heart was willing still my flesh it just stayed weak!

Chorus

But the lass was every inch a match, she'd not be turned away!
And to cure my poor performance, well, she grabbed a nasal spray,
And she whispered soft and luscious as I fumbled with her clothes,
"See, insertion is a two way street!", amd she poked it up my nose!

Chorus

Well we found ourselves successful, sir, in minutes less than three
And now she's had a bouncing boy, and named it after me!
And every year we celebrate, we're known throughout the land,
For our reunions in the aisle where Sildenafil stands!
 

Chorus: She was just the sort of creature, lads, that'ss sure to stir your blood

Her curves were so delicious, and her style was awfully good,

But I almost lost the chance for love, when I could not expand

And I met her in the aisle where Sildenafil stands!

Regards,

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Áine
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 10:06 PM

Oh Micca - That is a PERFECT first entry for this Challenge! And a Silver Spittoon candidate to boot -- geez, what a spit-take that was...;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Micca
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 09:47 PM

Well here ya go
New Viagra
Tune "on Top of Old Smokey"
By Micca

On top of the sofa
with my sweetheart I lay
I popped some Viagra
To help me on my way
I dived for my true love
This new stuffs a blast
Vaulted into the garden
Its kicked in so fast

This new style Viagra
Works without delay
'stead of waiting an hour
it gives instant replay
and instant replay boys
is a boon and a crack
it gives forward momentum
but it knackers your back

so all the young ladys
are lamenting each day
for the hour of waiting
was once spent in foreplay
now their fellas are falling
back to their old way
wham bam thank you ma am
and I'll be on my way

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 60
From: Áine
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 08:43 PM

Well, dear Challenge!rs, you can't say that the moss grows on the rolling stones in my head! ;-)

This Challenge! idea comes from Challenge!r JenEllen; so, I'm quoting herself when I say:

Don't You Think They'd Get A Stiff Neck? -- Two University of Kentucky professors have been awarded a patent for an intranasal for of Sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, which would produce almost instantaneous effects.

Anwar Hussein and Lewis Dittert, who filed for the patent in Dec'98 and received international media attention, were awarded the patent in March.

They said their delivery system would allow patients to get results in 5 to 15 minutes. In pill form, Viagra takes about an hour to work.

Somebody go and tell Catspaw to keep a squinty eye on this one . . . I think it's gonna be good!!

So -- sniff, sniff, GO FOR IT, CHALLENGE!RS!!

-- Áine