BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts

Subject: How to give cat a pill. How to give dog a pill.
From: Genie
Date: 23 Jun 07 - 05:32 PM

On the other hand, if that pug DID ask you a question, you'd have one heck of a news scoop!
§;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Becca72
Date: 23 Jun 07 - 01:21 PM

Thankfully the last time one of my cats was on meds it was in liquid form. I still had to tuck him under my left armpit and lean on him with most of my body weight ( a significant amount!) and shove the eye dropper thingie into the back of his mouth...but it was better than a pill!

My sister has a 16 year old pug who has been on various meds on and off over his long doggie life. I would choose him over any other animal on the planet to give medication to. You basically hand him the pill and he swallows it, no questions asked.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Genie
Date: 22 Jun 07 - 08:56 PM

Of course, a cat's favorite trick is staring hungrily at some treat that you, the human, really savor and don't wish to part with, guilt-tripping you into "sharing" -- i.e., putting some of it into the kitty's dish -- by plaintively meowing and rubbing against your leg, only to turn up his/her nose at it once you've made the sacrifice.

(I've learned not to share fresh salmon, prime rib, or any other such delicacy with Grisabella, because she -- for reasons I'll never understand -- really prefers dry cat food and is very finicky about actually eating anything else.)

LOL

Cat lovers, you may enjoy this home video (not mine) from YouTube:
feline vocalizations

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Jun 07 - 12:00 AM

Dogs are terrible suckers for that. You can even get a dog to grab a piece of raw onion with the same sort of sales pitch. He gets it at least halfway down before he realizes he's been had. They're very suggestible.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Genie
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 11:36 PM

Yeah, Bee, so was I when I first read that.

And I'm rofl again reading how Bill D gives his dog a pill. :-D

Genie

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Bee
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 08:42 PM

Genie, I have tears in my eyes from laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 08:05 PM

"HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air."

That's too complicated...we used to just toss bits of food to the cats until the dog was frothing...THEN toss the pill, unwrapped, in the air near the dog...*gulp*...then this crosseyes "I've been had" look...but it worked the next time too.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 07:44 PM

The Ten Catmandments


1. I am the Lord of Thy house.

2. Thou shalt have no other pets before me.

3. Thou shalt not ever ignore me.

4. I shall ignore thou when I feel like it.

5. Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day.

6. Remember my food dish and keep it full.

7. Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and gifts for me.

8. Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in.

9. Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.

10. Above all, thou shalt do anything it takes to keep me happy.

Subject: Dog & Cat diary excerpts - Giving your pet a pill
From: Genie
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 07:02 PM

Well, this one isn't from the cat's or dog's diary, but it would be interesting to hear the same tale told from their vantagepoint:


HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Grab
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 08:37 AM

One of my birthday prezzies just recently was Diary of a Wombat. Very recommended!

Graham.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Cats
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 07:32 AM

Cat diary. Day 500. At last they have learned something! We have arrived at what the humans call 'the new house'. It must have been bought just for me. South facing with cosy window seats, with cushions on each window, which gives me warmth and comfort all day long. Outside one or two rockeries where I have already spied the odd mouse or three and a family of slow worms. They have also provided a huge compost heap for me to delve into and I'm sure there must be something at the bottom of it which I can take them as a present. In the field opposite there are very large black and white animals which make a mooing noise which I must explore more. There is also a wonderful barn with lots of warm hay in it for those times when I feel a quick snooze coming on and am too far away from my cushioned window seats. But now, I'm off to find out what these black squiggly things are that are moving around in the 'pond'. Perhaps they are another pastime for me....

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Genie
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 03:30 AM

Yeah, I didn't have a clear agenda in mind when I shared the initial beastie diaries with you folks, but Liz and Scofield (aided and abetted by the rest o' yez) have taken the (hair?)ball and run with it, so to speak.
Good job!

Genie §;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 03:07 PM

LOL! Love the parrot. What a great thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Scoville
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 02:17 PM

Oh, man--we got home yesterday to discover that my dog had eaten something rancid in the yard and there was mess of both sorts in various places around the house. I don't even want to know what she would have written in her diary about that.

Didn't stop her from begging for our dinners later, though. Sigh. But dogs that barf on the rug get plain rice for a meal or two to make sure things are settled, so she missed out.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Mr Fox
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 11:46 AM

Diary of a Parrot

Day 983 - This morning one of my featherless slaves brought me a dish of canned fruit bits. Ick. Obviously someone has not been paying attention; this slave has not learned its lesson. I flung each tasteless piece against the wall and then overturned the dish. That was followed by a nap. I was awakened by the sound of a slave mumbling about me while cleaning up the fruit bits. I decided to tweak the creature's skin for its insolence. I was rewarded with instant cries of contrition.

Day 994 - Today the slaves allowed the dog upstairs to accompany them while I granted them an audience; now that I know the dog's name, it should be worth a few laughs to see just how relatively intelligent canines are...NOT! The cat, on the other hand, is a nasty, smelly hairball. It retches all over everything and mopes around. Today it wandered into my inner sanctum without my permission, before my agents could stop its entrance. I commenced shrieking at 20 decibels and flapped my wings for added effect. The slaves are still trying to dislodge the cat from the ceiling.

Day 1003 - Today I am teaching the slaves to speak with me. This is trying my patience. No matter HOW clearly I enunciate, they keep saying the same thing over and over to me. How annoying. Since when did bring more apple slices become good bird ?!

Day 1115 - It's a lovely day and the slaves are carrying my portable palace outside onto patio to enjoy the good weather. The dog is amusing. I am calling the dog's name and he thinks it is the male slave. I'm watching him press his sloppy wet nose against the glass, listening to his name being called. He's going crazy trying to obey the command...oops...almost fell off my perch laughing just now...

Day 1123 - This morning, while aloft on the curtain rod, I observed the feline scratching the furniture . I promptly sounded the Universal Avian Distress Signal. That nasty creature actually attempted to climb up the drapes to where I was seated! One of the slaves arrived just in time to catch the beast in the act and grab it by its nape and deposit it out the back door. Must have been the male slave; the cat was actually airborne for a few seconds.

Day 1134 - Today I was good-naturedly minding my slaves' offspring. They were attempting to mimic my speech. How endearing. I climbed around on their heads and pretended to make a nest with their hair, which they perceived as a great honor. Indeed. They will make good and obedient servants one day, I think. Now, I just need to make it clear to them that they should dispense with the canine and the feline post haste...

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: ranger1
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 07:45 AM

"Lightening their luggage" is what it's referred to in my family.

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Dave'sWife
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 07:34 AM

oh my. We have an expression for neutering that might be an East Coast-ism. We call it "Robbing their pockets."

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Apr 07 - 03:23 AM

Day 495. I can't recall much of yesterday. They incarcerated me in the moving cage again and put me on that damned roller coaster. They call it 'the car' but I'm sure it's really some fairground ride. I couldn't see much - I refused to put my face to the bars as the temptation to bite their fingers when they poke me would be too much - besides, it makes farting in their faces a lot easier. When we finally stopped, I could smell other captives, some strange, bitter smell and more humans.

I had just got myself comfortable when they hauled me out of the cage and onto some rubbery surface. I am too ashamed and horrified to tell you what happened next, just that it involved a firm grip on my favourite bits, and a thin, cold tube.

I don't remember anything after that.

Today when I woke, it was to a strange sensation of pain and loss. I feel there is something missing, but I cannot turn my head. There is a tight feeling around my neck. Everywhere I look, I see cloudy white plastic, except straight ahead, where the female captor is watching me. What new torture is this? I am so upset, I can't even think of something horrid to do.

Day 496. The plastic thing has gone. So have my favourite playthings. I am devastated. Think I'll crap in his slippers.


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Dave'sWife
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 09:53 PM

Love it. I have a cat just like that. Sometimes we call her la Gorda, other times we call her FANG such as when she rips the wings of baby mourning doves or brings in still writhing lizard tails.

Subject: BS: Dog & Cat diary excerpts
From: Genie
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 06:00 PM

Several people have shared this with me via email, but I don't have the original source (i.e., the names of the 2 pets who wrote it).   Maybe someone here knows.

========================
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary*

"8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Scooby Snacks! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! "



* Excerpts from a Cat's Diary*

"Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.   They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.   The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.   I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.    However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.   Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.   I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.   However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.   I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."   I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.   I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.   The dog receives special privileges.   He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.   He is obviously retarded.   The bird has got to be an informant.   I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.   I am certain that he reports my every move.   My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.    For now..."
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