BS: Alright update your pen*% already!

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 04:35 PM

I tried the "Suspended Weights" method, and sure enough, I gained an extra 4inches.
But, on the down side, my neck sunk down into my chest by the same amount, and I can now no longer lower my jaw, having to raise the rest of my skull in order to chew or even talk.
Therefore women avoid me, and I have to move my hand an extra 4inces with each stroke during masturbation.
I find this very tiring.
I am now resorting to hanging upside down with weights attached to my head in order to restore my neck length.
Unfortunately all I have achieved so far is an additional 3inch inside leg measurement.
No. Dont bother telling me to cut one inch off my neck and send it to the next five people on the list.
I already thought of that, do you think I am stupid or something? I cant get at my damn neck !!!

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 11:52 AM

But plastic surgery isn't really comparable to the "herbal growth stimulants" and vacuum pumps spammers are pitching at men.

There are three major differences:

1. A woman who chooses to have labiaplasty will actually receive something for her money, unlike most people who respond to spam who receive absolutely nothing.

2. In the unlikely event that a male spam respondent does actually receive something for his money, it will do absolutely nothing. Labiaplasty actually works, at least on the physical level. Whether it does anything of true value in most cases is another matter.

3. You can give a plastic surgeon your credit card and pretty much rest assured he or she isn't going to use the number to buy $500 worth of music downloads on the Internet.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 11:32 AM

Unbelievable effort there, Foolestroupe! And it sounds real. In fact, I can hardly believe it isn't real.

Maybe you should start sending it out, minus the disclaimer at the bottom, and see if millions of complete idiots respond.

Kat - Yeah, I know it's been done. But why are we not all being deluged with stupid email spam about it every day?

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 10:28 AM

Fooles...brill! LMAO!

LH...sad to say it has already been done: click

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 09:49 AM

So this condom factory in Texas gets an order from (fill in your favorite state, country or ethnic area) asking if they can supply 100 gross of 10 inch condoms.

"What shall we do?", asks the foreman?

The owner thinks a minute. "Fill the order,' the says.
"Mark them 'medium'."

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 09:37 AM

I had penis reduction surgery at age 55.....for my own comfort.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 09:29 AM

Thanks for the humor, Foolstroupe.

I could tell that the Daniel Karnes part was fake because he said 'I was never laid and my mental disability checks had run out.'

Proper guy form would be to say 'I never got laid.' Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 08:37 AM

Talk about draggin' yer waggin'....

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 03:50 AM

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Gene Philips

INSTRUCTIONS:

Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have
received well over 50,000 inches of penis, all yours. This program has
remained successful because of the inadequacy and vanity of the
participants. Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the
instructions.

Welcome to the world of Mail Order Penis Enlargement! This business is a little different from most cosmetic surgery. Your product is not tangible and solid [sic], but rather, a service. You are in the business of extending penii. Many small of endowment are happy to pay big bucks for this service.
(The money made from the penis enlargement is secondary to the income which is made from people like yourself requesting that they be included in that list.)
1) Immediately cut off your penis at the base.
2) Cut off the head of your penis, and pack it in ice for later use.
3) Take the remaining midsection of your penis, and cut it into 5
pieces of equal length.
4) Immediately mail each piece to the first 5 names listed below
starting at number 1 through number 5.
Send penis only please (total investment = your penis).
Enclose a note with each piece stating:
"Please add my name to your mailing list."
(This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and you are
paying with your penis for this service).
5) Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list.
Move the other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1
and number 3 will become number 2, etc.)
Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position.
6) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10 (Ten) separate newsgroups.
7) Within 60 days you will receive over 50,000 inches of PENIS. Keep a
copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again
whenever you need penis enlargement.
As soon as you mail out these letters you are automatically in the mail order business and people are sending you their penis to be placed on your mailing list. This list can then be rented to a reconstructive cosmetic surgeon that can be found in the Yellow Pages for additional income on a regular basis. The list will become more valuable as it grows in size. This is a service. This is perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws.

NOTE: Make sure you retain EVERY Name and Address sent to you, either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the names and notes they send you. This is PROOF that you are truly providing a service and should the AMA, FDA, or some other Government Agency question you, you can provide them with this proof!

Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as a
Penis Enlarger with one inch of penis each. Your name will move up the
list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number five position you will be receiving thousands of inches in penis.

1. Daniel J. Karnes 6394-B Tawney Bloom
Mogi Donuts, MD 21045
2. Emil T. Chuck 6394-A Tawney Bloom
Mogi Donuts, MD 21045
3. Charles Whealton 7690 Karnesville Road
Phobic, MI 48348
4. William Davenant 8295 Hiding Closet Rd
Clarkston, MI 48348
5. Peter Ruckman 14805 Rivercrest
Sterling Hts., MI 48312
6. Steven Crisp 3718 Kings Point
Troy, MI 48083
7. Mark Gengler 5748 Patterson
Troy, MI 48098
8. Pat Robertson 666 God's Little Homophobe Road
Anti-Christ Hills, VA 48307
9. Fred Phelps 14-U Our Saviour of the Closet Lane
Orchard Lake, MI 48323
10. Jesse Helms 20840 Tobacco Mercenary Street
Lung Cancer Hacks., VA 48038

Dear Friend,

My name is Daniel J. Karnes. In September 1988 my life was repressed and the bible thumpers were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was never laid and my mental disability checks had run out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my Apple computer and my bible. I longed to turn my fixation into my vocation.

This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the
tropics. I bought a Double-Wide Trailer with CASH in Feburary 1989. I am currently building a Self-Worship Temple on the West Coast of Florida, with a private S/M Dungeon with room for all of my closeted friends, and a beautiful view of the bay from my women's shoes closet and wardrobe. I will never be underendowed again. Today I am equipped! I have over 400,000 inches of penis (33,333 feet and 4 inches! ) to date and will become a million-incher within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This penis enlargement making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to earn 50,000 inches or more whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or reconstructive surgeon.

In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could earn 50,000 inches of penis or more whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny though, when you are desparately underendowed, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustating day looking through the want ads for a wife who didn't need sexual fulfillment. The pickings were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my Apple computer and calling several gay bulletin boards. I read several of the message posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams.

I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance this penis making formula into the most unbelievable penis enlargement generator that has ever been created. I substituted the computer bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your dreams will come true.

Sincerely yours,

Daniel J. Karnes
-- Why doesn't Wenchell's
-- Serve Mogi Donuts?



About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I
ignored it. I received about five more of the same letter withn the next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to follow through and dreamed of making thousands of inches, but I was convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a local bulletion board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try with my computer. I didn't expect much because I figured, if other people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with their penis. But, I buy lottery tickets weekly in my province and have nothing to show for it but ticket stubs. This week I decided to look at this as my weekly lottery purchase. I addressed the envelopes and mailed out one piece of my penis in each as directed. Two weeks went by and I didn't recieve anything in the mail. The fourth week rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! I can't say I received 50,000 inches, but it was definitely well over 35,000! For the first time in all my years, I was adequately endowed. It was great. Of course, it didn't take me long to feel inadequate again so I am using this excellent penis enlargement opportunity once again. Follow the instructions and get ready to enjoy.

Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed letter so
together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really works!

Good Luck,
Charles R. Whealton
St Agathe Que.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This document is an attempt at humor. Anyone who flames me will be
ignored as a humorless twit, whose indignation is without meaning.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 03:17 AM

Wasn't there a fashion a few years back for having it all tightened up anyway? Born-again virginity?

Judging by the amount of penile related spam I get, there are an awful lot of people out there who think I have a penis.

I don't have a penis. I have one of the other things... but with that I can get as many penises as I like!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Melissa
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 03:09 AM

Lemon juice would explain the ads I get about making her scream all night.

I've been told that alum was used for nether-regional tightening.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: artbrooks
Date: 16 Jun 08 - 12:55 AM

Lemon juice?

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 11:21 PM

Amos - "How many untapped market women are there out there wondering if it's something wrong with them?"

Well, actually....I did have a girlfriend once with massive insecurities, and she probably did think there was something wrong with her nether parts, because she definitely thought there was something wrong with practically everything else! (her nose was "too big", her breasts were "too small", her teeth "weren't right", her hair "wasn't right" etc...etc...etc...check the addendum and consult the 500 page worry book...!)

So she might well have proven vulnerable to such spam if it had ever been directed her way. If there was one woman like that, there must be others. It stands to reason. Why have the spammers not gone after this opportunity like dogs swarming on a decaying mess of roadkill??? Darned if I know.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 10:41 PM

Yeah, I can just imagine the sales pitch.... (shudder)

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 10:22 PM

Send me one too. A large gratuity, larger than Amos's. I don't want my mates laughing at me in loo because Amos had a bigger one.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 09:08 PM

Little Hawk:

You may have just now come up wiht the Unthinkale Thought, the kind of brainstorm that makes millionaire if only they have the vision to realize what they have discovered!

Spam millionaires have been raking in the dough for years now, targeting mail organs, but you are the first to realize the huge, untapped market out there. How many untapped market women are there out there wondering if its something wrong with them?

Go thou forth and become rich.

You can send me a large gratuity when you make it work.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 08:48 PM

I have never yet seen spam advising improvements to a woman's nether parts.

I figure that is probably for one of two reasons.

1. No improvements are needed to women's nether parts.

2. Everyone (even dumbass spammers) knows that women just aren't stupid enough to fall for a line like that!

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 08:23 PM

Eat Bertha's Mussels.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: TheSnail
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 05:44 PM

Once got offers for penis enlargement and breast enhancement in the same spam email. May have been the same pill for all I know. I decided not to bother.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 04:47 PM

Why should I flippin' change what is already perfect, eh?

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: artbrooks
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 01:08 PM

Just fine, thank you - no updates needed. In fact, I just got a kilt so I could say, "nothing is worrrn, everything is in in pairfect working orderrr" when asked the question.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 12:11 PM

spoiler in the rear...like Mick's spud in the rear of his thong!

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 11:40 AM

And 'go faster' flames tattooed over the end?

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jun 08 - 11:36 AM

I dunno, Bee-Dub. Might look good with a new flashy paint job, a spoiler in the rear, low-rider shocks and tires, spinner hubcaps....

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 11:16 PM

I dunno... If I were to update my penis, it would just be like all the other hot-rodded high-performance penises out there. If I leave it alone and it doesn't wear out or fall off in the next few years, it'll be a certified antique and I'll be able to get more money for it if I ever decide to sell. Anyway, if I updated, they'd probably install all kinds of power equipment and I really like to do things manually.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: robomatic
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 10:26 PM

This belongs ?above the belt?

King Missile - Detatchable Penis

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

Subject: RE: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 10:09 PM

As much as I'd like to oblige, I don't think I will. I'm quite attached to what I have and in fact I've grown quite fond of it (and other body parts) over the years.

Subject: BS: Alright update your pen*% already!
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Jun 08 - 09:04 PM

I figure if you guys would do as the spam says and "update your penis" we could get rid of spam forever! So, how about guys? It's the most consistent spam out there. Could you use a new model, a little tightening up, maybe a good lube job? (Oh, tasteless, kat, tasteless!)Oh, well, it's been coming (no pun intended) to my email box (npi) for the past few weeks and I think it just needs some action from you fellers!