BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: LilyFestre
Date: 11 Jul 10 - 07:57 PM

Barbara,

   If she is any kind of woman at all, she will never, EVER put your son in that position. While my MIL and I don't get along, I would never, EVER put my husband in the position to have to make a choice between his mother and myself...that just isn't fair to do to him. My husband and I have had that conversation and I ALWAYS tell him that while I may not like his mother, I would never, EVER ask him to not see her or have a relationship with her. I have asked that he try to understand my position and to let me stay home when he wants to visit or do holidays with her. She may be a certified nut job but she is still his mother and I would never put him in the position to have to pick one over the other. That just isn't fair and when you love people, you don't put them in that position. You just don't.
   I think you have the right attitude and things will work out just fine. Slow and steady...she's going to be family and hopefully they will be married for a very long time....so you have a long time to work things out...no need to rush or force the relationship....it will happen if you let it. :)

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: bbc
Date: 11 Jul 10 - 07:43 PM

Thanks, Michelle. I appreciate your input & am truly sorry that you haven't been able to find meeting ground with your mother-in-law. Some relationships develop naturally, some take work, & some never work out no matter how hard you try. Although Nina & I may not be natural friends, I really want to have a good relationship with her, because she is the choice of my son. If that means stepping back, that's what I'll do. We both need some time to see what relationship will work, but I truly do want to love & support each of them as individuals & both of them as a couple. Wish us luck! I do realize that if things don't work out & David needs to make a choice between us, he must choose Nina. I wouldn't want it any other way. His future is with her, not me.

love,

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: LilyFestre
Date: 11 Jul 10 - 06:36 PM

I am not a mother-in-law but I am a daughter-in-law who wishes she could have a normal relationship with her mother-in-law. I no longer have a relationship with my her, not even one out of politeness. I can tell you that no matter what the problem is, if you are insincere or dishonest, the relationship will never stand a chance. Nor will a relationship withstand being overbearing or trying to make her into something YOU think she should be. When two people meet and fall in love and get married, there are reasons for that.....as a third party to the relationship, you can't really second guess what those reasons are. My husband picked me for his own reasons, despite what his mother's thoughts were on the matter.

We will be married for 18 years this week. It has taken me 17 years to finally walk away from his mother. I've tried and tried to get her to just be real with me. She sugar coats things and lies to no end and I just can't tolerate it anymore. Is this the relationship I would like to have? NO. Absolutely not...however, it takes 2 honest parties to make it work. We now have a new baby and it's just a shame that she has shut herself out. It is what it is.

If I could pick just a few things that would improve our relationship by leaps and bounds, it would be for her to be real (stop sugar coating everything), honest and communicate.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: bbc
Date: 11 Jul 10 - 01:56 PM

Well, I am back home after the wedding weekend &, I have to say, things are looking much brighter. Although the day, yesterday, started rainy, by 11 am, it was cloudy & humid, but dry. We were able to hold the ceremony in a beautiful garden, full of fragrant roses. Despite all my fears & reservations, in the midst of becoming a new couple, David & Nina found ways to include me in their lives. I was so touched. David had reserved a dance at the reception with me--just the two of us on the floor & had even chosen a special song. I know this is, sometimes, part of formal weddings, but this was not a totally formal affair, so I had no idea what they would/wouldn't do. My son & I had several minutes to chat, one on one, as the music played. What a precious gift! The best part for me, however, was that, at the rehearsal dinner & during the reception, I got to see David & Nina interact with each other & with their friends. I think I finally see what makes their relationship work & I think it's solid. David is a lot like my dad was--a really deep-down good, dependable guy, but he needs a social woman to liven him up a bit. My mom was that for my dad & I think, Nina is the woman in this generation for my son. I know it sounds really silly to some of you, but I think I can let go now & entrust him to her. They're off on their honeymoon & I hope they have a great time! Thanks to all of you for indulging me & for helping me adjust to this major life change!

love,

Barbara

P.S.--I put a couple of photos on my flickr page:
Me, before the ceremony

Family Group

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 04:53 PM

Well, obviously I will never be a mother in law. However I have two daughters - my late wife's first by her husband, and a home-brew. I also have a son - my late wife's, by her husband. And when I say "wife" I don't mean "awful deadlock" (sorry, that should read "lawful wedlock"). And I am in the UK not the USA.

All of these things may affect the issue of proprietorship - which is the wrong way to look at it.

I hope that my three children know that when the chips are down, right or wrong, if they battle with their significant others I am with them.

But the OP is going to another issue.

I fear it may be too late. If you want to be in a good relationship with your child's significant other (that other being of the same gender as you) you need to make that friendship from an early stage. You need (while being careful not to undermine your sprog) to be standing by the other while the other may be joshing your sprog. You need to be finding common ground with the other - hifi, cars, guitars (that's mostly man to man, although I know some female petrol heads and plankspankers - and audiophiles) - or whatever women bond about. Then you have a child, and as well as that child, a friend.

I am I think a pretty good mate with sprog's significant other - we can do and (unless he is a better actor than I think he is) both enjoy digitising my ancient 45s together, or planning uses for percussion, or having a beer while sprog brands us both nutmagnets - and I am still friendly with my older daughter's previous very significant other even though he and she split on not good terms: if he crossed the line they both know where I would be but he is my friend now, not just her ex.

I that is where you can get to be then there is no war over your child's attention.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 11:50 AM

Barbara, what he loves most in her is what he sees in her of yourself.

He will not know that for several years, but she might already.

You, though, can know it and discern it if you look back over the beginnings of their relationship. The rest takes time and restraint on your part with a good dose of "I'm here, I'm busy, and I love you both."

A way to shorten that time (to build the new unit and relationship network) is to affirm to him, often, what you like and enjoy and love, sincerely, about her and about the choice he has made.

Support them with the positivity you have always shown here. Let the worries go to a good friend (PM if you want me to be one), and trust love to work it all out in its time.

~Susan
A MIL who is very welcome on her DIL's home

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Micca
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 11:35 AM

If I might interject, having "survived" 3 MiLs

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 09:21 AM

My Mum said once, that she never worried if she didn't hear from me for a period of time, because she knew it must mean that my life was going well, and that I was happy :)

There's always going to be periods of time when you will have strong fresh focuses that draw on your attention and time from other things. The first year of a new serious relationship in particular, is inevitably going to be one of those things where that happens! It's natural, but it passes.

Give them the space they need now, try to make light of your feelings of 'abandonment', and you will thank yourself for it in the years to come. As will they!

Humour is a great thing. An aunt of mine was describing the day her eldest son left home to move in with his girlfriend - she said she went into his bedroom after he'd gone, and saw a piece of torn wallpaper where he'd written his name on the wall underneath (like kids do). She described laying on the bed all forlorn weeping tears while tenderly touching the graffiti.. And in the next breath said if she'd have seen it when he was still at home, she'd have given him a bluddy good clout round the head for it!

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: mauvepink
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 07:23 AM

Children do not belong to us. They are loaned to us for a while. Letting go is one of the hardest things I ever had to experience. Finding the balance - still showing care, attention and love - while not smothering/controlling your offspring when they are in a different relationship, is hard. I got it wrong a numberr of times. But I must have done a great deal right too. My daughter and I are extremely close (we can spend the day together and then come home and still chat for an hour on the phone). She loves me and I love her. What I needed to learn was to let her make her own mistakes sometimes and not try to shelter her from all possible harm. I was being quite controlling, I look back and see now, but not on purpose.

We often chat about the past few years and how things have turned out. She understand why I was like I was. I understand why she had to do what she did too. She is an individual, just like me, and had to learn some things for herself.

You Son is not lost. Try not to make him choose between love for you and love for his new wife. They are very seperate things. She will not be able to have the part in his heart that is yours. You cannot be in the part of his heart that is hers. Just be there for them and try not to interfere. I found most of my fears and concerns were unwarrented. I did not have to win my daughter back. I never lost her!

I hope it all works out well for you. Just now he is on that "first day at scholl" part of his life again. You loved him enough that day to let him go to school. All you have it do is do it just one more time...

Best luck to you all

mp

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: bbc
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 06:53 AM

Thanks for your note, too, Crow Sister. I started this thread to try to get some perspective, not just sympathy. Both are welcome. No relationship goes smoothly all the time. I thought I knew how to be a mom. Now, I'm just trying to see what adjustments I need to make for this new stage of life to work well for us. It's not really that David is throwing me out of his life. In fact, he's already expressed his desire that, when I retire in a few years
, I live close enough that the proposed grandchildren can have me as a regular part of their lives--something that has not been the case in the past two generations in my family.

Today, the wedding day has dawned gray & rainy. There was a 70% chance of rain & thunderstorms in the forecast, but we were hoping for clear weather. Perhaps by 11 am, it will be so. If not, getting married in the rain will not be the only challenge David & Nina will face in their life together. The reception will be indoors!

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 06:09 AM

Just let them get on with their lives. I'd try not to over-egg that 'sacrificial mother' thing however well intentioned, or it'll come across as guilt tripping ;-)

My 'mum in law' has never meddled, been emotionally needy or demanding, in fact neither was my own Mum for that matter - even though we were extremely close. Both of them just let us get on with our lives, and as a consequence it's worked out well.

He visits his Mum & Dad every week, and (when she was alive) I saw my Mum pretty much every weekend also.

If you continue to have genuine trouble feeling 'rejected' and find it's upsetting you, I'd be inclined speak to a councilor about how to help you cope with those feelings before challenging your son over it. If you generate conflict, or subtly try to compete with his new wife for his attention and affections, you will lose.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: gnu
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 05:35 AM

Tug... perhaps, but if time doesn't work, after "too long", it might be worth a shot. Hopefully, it will all work out, as it seems it might.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: bbc
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 10:00 PM

You are all great! Thanks so much for your responses! I am halfway through the weekend. Did the rehearsal & rehearsal dinner tonight &, amazing, both went *well*! David made time to let me drop by today w/ a "heritage" gift--a token from our family background. I gave him & Nina several items to choose from & they chose a couple of small things & seemed pleased to have them. There was a momentary setback, on the way to the rehearsal, when a road was unexpectedly closed for construction! David showed up beside me in his car, like SuperSon, & led me into the garden site. I was a star at the rehearsal dinner. I made my opening remarks about parent-child vs. marriage commitment, pledged my love & support to both David & Nina, & made everybody cry. Both kids looked at me fondly as I blubbered through. Then, I played hostess, moving food around the table (17 guests at the restaurant), putting left-overs into freezer containers I'd brought, to make it easy for David & Nina. Afterward, David & Nina both thanked me & hugged me. David apologized for being somewhat short with me lately & I assured him that he'd been the same height as usual & that I'd love him & Nina forever! Maybe this will work out, after all! Wedding & reception tomorrow. There are only 3 folks participating in the ceremony (other than bride, groom, minister, of course!)--me & Nina's best friend doing readings & Nina's uncle playing guitar & singing. Onward & upward!

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 08:16 PM

A cunning plan, gnu....but mighrt he not feel that he is being tested?

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: gnu
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 06:54 PM

bbc... I have had first hand experience with the "tug of war". Even when I would speak with Mum on the phone in the kitchen, the new bride would begin rattling dishes and cutlery in the sink, etc. It's simply a territory issue with the young bride. And, it's simply that she doesn't know any better and, obviously, neither does your son. If either did, they would sort it out quickly. If both did, it wouldn't even happen.

Not to worry. Easy solution if the problem continues for too long. When this thread has "enough" posts, print it out and give it to your son and say, "Read this and tell me what you think."

If he comes round to sense, all is fine. If he does not, keep quiet... he will, eventually.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 06:41 PM

Check and see if your new son-in-law comes from a clan that practices exo-cannibalism and if so be careful if he asks you over for dinner.

Otherwise, congratulations.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 08:46 AM

Seems like only yesterday that.................Well, let's move on. I'm so happy for you Barb.....really! Its just another stage in life...for the both of you. "Sister" Connie has been very close to her two boys and David married last year while Rick is getting married on August 1.

Its a hard transition in even the closest and most well adjusted families so just ride it out and don't force it. After initially beating Connie back with a chair and whip, she's having a great time with both girls and the boys are fine with it all and through it all. The key was to just relax and enjoy the new relationships. Karen has had "favorite aunt" status for a long time and both girls have adopted her too which has made a neat situation for all and an enjoyable one as well.

Go easy on the "advice" and long on the fun and I'm sure that within a pretty short time things will be fine. They'll never be what they were but that's only natural.

And btw.......CONGRATULATIONS!!!!


Pat

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: bbc
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 08:44 AM

Thanks, folks--particularly you men--for responding with such sensitivity. I will be making some remarks tonight at the rehearsal dinner, which I'm hosting, about the parent-child relationship only needing to be one-way--that I chose a commitment to love & support my child for my lifetime, but his response is voluntary. I will continue to make that choice, regardless of his response, but, sometimes, it hurts to feel rejected & excluded. Ironically, he asked me to host the rehearsal dinner & make remarks there, as well as having me do a reading in the wedding ceremony. Looking back, I don't think I consulted or included *my* parents in my wedding.

best,

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 08:18 AM

Somewhere I read a longer piece about children being like cats and dogs. For awhile they are like dogs - always around and hanging on your every word. Then they turn into cats. They seem to want to have nothing to do with you unless a meal is offered. But they turn into dogs again after some time. He's just acting like a cat for awhile. And that's pretty natural considering he's about to get married.

Relax - breathe - and have a great time at the wedding. You're gaining a daughter in law. And considering how you raised your son she's probably an amazing woman. { just like her mother in law }.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Will Fly
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 08:04 AM

however, it seems like he's decided that he can only be close to one person, his fiancee

He's young, he's in love (I hope he is, anyway) - that's the way it is for now. Plenty of time in the future for family relationships to settle down on a more even keel. Just give it that time. Being a single Mum will make it harder for you but, if he's been a good son to you up until now, there's no reason why he shouldn't be one in the future.

Wait until the grandchildren arrive - son and DIL will both want you then! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 08:03 AM

If you love something.. let it fly free... if it comes back it's yours.. if it doesn't it never was.... The thing is, he was and still is and always will be yours. His focus is on his own partner as yours would have been when younger. When you find your partner you tend to give less time to family...... more to the one you love. This is temporary usually, unless the parent(s) make a to do about it.... and a distance of varying degree ensues. I suggest you just let go... make an occasional phone call to ask how 'they' are and maybe ask if they are coming to visit in an encouraging way. Don't make the mistake of believing she has stolen him from you and treat her badly or reject her in any way. Show a real interest in her and she will not feel threatened... she will then encourage him to see you either on his own or together. Take it easy and don't be too upset... this is more about them and their life than you. Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 08:00 AM

I guess that letting go, but remaining open, is all we can do. Anything which seems to force a choice, even if this was not intended, is likely to result in a choice we don't like.
I've heard it put something like 'standing by, no longer vital to you, but available, looking on with pride in your achievements'

    Relationships don't end in these circumstances, but they do change, hopefully to something natural and live afirming. As a man, I don't think we ever let , or want to let, go of our mums.

Subject: BS: bbc's becoming a Mother-in-Law
From: bbc
Date: 09 Jul 10 - 07:49 AM

Well, this is it. My firstborn is getting married tomorrow. He's not my little boy anymore. I have to say that my feelings are mixed. Perhaps, because I was a single parent when he was growing up, we've had an unusually close relationship. Don't get me wrong; I don't think I ever tried to make him a mama's boy, but we got along & were good company for each other. For the past several months, however, it seems like he's decided that he can only be close to one person, his fiancee. Isn't there enough love to share? Have any of you had this experience? Am I off-base in hoping that I can still have some relationship with my son or is this the way things should be? Thanks. I'm off to the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, & wedding.

Barbara