BS: 'With God on our side'...

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 04:49 PM

LOL....I'm with Bill.....Thanks Kevin for the clarification!!! But that's still a good story no matter where you put it!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 01:43 PM

good thing YOU caught that, McGrath...I was sitting here reading the story, and thinking..."whaaaaa??...what is the point?"..and then I scrolled down...*grin*

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 01:31 PM

Oops - wrong God thread for that last story. That's the trouble with using "find" sometimes...

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 01:29 PM

Here's a true story I posted on the Mudcat a couple of years back, and it seems relevant.

It was told me by a friend to whom it happened.

She was sitting in the town centre in Harlow by the fountain with her son. Now, her son is in his thirties, and he's got epilepsy, and he can't talk too well, and he is pretty unsteady on his feet, and so on.

And there were a couple of well dressed young men - visitors to the town by the look of them - and they were were sitting nearby, and after a while she noticed that they were looking at her son, and imitating some of the things he said, and giggling.

And also nearby there was a pretty rough looking local lad, a skinhead, rings in the nose and tattoos, and that kind of stuff, and big boots. And he was listening to what was going on. And then he gets up and he walks over to the jokers, and looks hard at them and tells them to "push off" - except he didn't exactly say "push off". And they pushed off quite rapidly.

And then he goes over to my friend's son, and shook his hands and said "You're all right mate!" And he marched off.

As my friend said "It makes you proud sometimes to live in Harlow!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 07:01 PM

Great suggestion Sharon!!!! And credit where it's due.......I got the thing from Beachy, an Aussie, over at Tweed's Place. Beachhead sends out some of the best stuff e-mail that I ever got!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: SharonA
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 06:46 PM

Love the questionnaire! But under "2. Which model deity did you acquire?", shouldn't "Krishna" be

__Krishna, Rama, Vishnu [George Harrison Pack]

?

;^)

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 06:33 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Great questionaire, Spaw! Marvelous! I am now in a much better position to explain my whole theological cosmology and synthesize the congruent and incongruent factors that led to my genuflecting daily before the graven image of a black & tan dachshund wearing a Prussian spiked helmet...

Meditation is also going quite well these days.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 03:15 PM

Not with great salespeople it doesn't.........The very best customers were capable of playing that one out and enjoyed it as did the salesperson. I can carry on conversations for an unlimited amount of time and never make a statement......only ask questions. Unless you're very sure of yourself or the saleperson is pretty lame, you need to be prepared to go well on with your game past that first response.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: DMcG
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 02:11 PM

Off thread but never mind! I heard a humourous management talk a couple of years ago (no, hang on, I haven't gone insane!) in which the speaker recommended dealing with such non-conversations by forcing the conversations in strange directions.

Instead of Salesman: Can I help you?
You: No thank you, just looking

Try

Salesman: Can I help you?
You: With what?
Baffled Salesman: Pardon?
You: What do you want to help me with?
Salesman: I don't know ... I was just told to say that!

Try it - it usually does get that response!

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: DonD
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 01:58 PM

Aware of how vital my feedback is, I've been trying to complete the questionnaire for an hour! Is this really just another one of those political spin surveys? I get these phone calls all the time and diligently listen and answer until I realize it's just a robot. But then so many 'conversations' consist of two people talking and no one listening.

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: DMcG
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 01:55 PM

Assuming the fault with god is not lack of omniscience, s/he already knows, so you don't bother sending it in.

If the fault IS in omniscience area ... I don't know!

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 01:52 PM

I'm sorry, but there is NO information on where to submit my questionaire!...If we are to improve the quality od service, we need an address...The post office just laughed when I tried to mail a letter addressed to "Supreme Being"..something about postal rates rising.

(I have burned two copies -with incense- at sunrise.. and wafted the ashes skyward...but no sign they were received...should there be a return reciept for an important document?)

I suspect 'spaw is spoofin' us, and that questionaire won't be read by ANY of the gods, but will be used by Yahoo to send more spam! I already GET plenty of mail from zealots with information on why my soul lost, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: Dicho (Frank Staplin)
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 01:39 PM

Misprint? Spontaneous remissions should be spontaneous emissions?
For the Mormons- change wine to water. For the discerning drinker- change water to Chateauneuf du Pape. For the souse- If the ocean were whiskey.
Great, Spaw!

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: Troll
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 12:59 PM

HooHa!

troll

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 12:31 PM

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, [S]He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:


1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Television

__ Book of Mormon

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ My Mama Done Tol' Me

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Other (specify): _____________


2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus

__ Krishna

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pack]

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pack]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pack]

__ Allah

__ Satan

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)

__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all

    creations)

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes mistakes

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people

__ Looks after life other than that on Earth

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus in whom to despise

__ Needed focus in whom to love

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents

__ Wanted to please parents

__ Needed a day away from school or work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like organ music

__ Need to feel morally superior

__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell

__ Shit was falling out of the sky

__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?
If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Baal

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ The Radical Right

__ Amon Ra

__ Beelzebub

__ Bill Gates

__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ The Moon

__ The Force

__ Cindy Crawford

__ Elvis

__ A burning shrub

__ Psychiatry

__ Other: ________________


6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.

__ Diamond Approach

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Osho

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Krishnamurti

__ Alcohol

__ Marijuana

__ George W Bush

__ Tea Leaves

__ EST

__ Amway

__ CompuServe

__ Mantras

__ John de Roiter

__ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals

__ Bill Heffernan

__ Human sacrifice

__ Ramtha

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering around a desert

__ Gurdjieff

__ Insurance policies

__ Burning shrubbery

__ Barney Fife

__ Other:_____________________

__ None


7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle only one below:

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know.

e. What's Divine Intervention?


8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 Spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

b. Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever


9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and

addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine

personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in

His/Her behalf.

Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?


__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my

    own mortal soul

__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring

    for my money



10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Please attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

**********************************************************************

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: SharonA
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 12:06 PM

"Religion is the cruelest human invention ever." Amen to that! Now I've got a variation of the old Ken-L-Ration commercial running through my head:

"My god's better than your god,
My god's better than yours..."

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 12:02 PM

But if it WERE God, you'd have the exact same thing! I saw that one in our local paper, and would have laughed if it weren't so sadly true. Religion is the cruelest human invention ever.

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 12:01 PM

Ditto what Spaw said. Thanks, Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 11:55 AM

A depressing form of humor.........Humor is funniest when based on reality but the reality of the world today is genuinely depressing.......Great 'toon Bill!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: SharonA
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 11:51 AM

God-Man is under the bed. *G*

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 11:39 AM

aww...well, the point is about PEOPLE, not God...it makes little difference how the point is made, some will hear it as the cartoon suggests.

If the words were to appear in the sky, I venture that many would say "it's a trick by THEIR god to get us to retreat!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'With God on our side'...
From: wysiwyg
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 11:16 AM

Oh dear, Bill. Oh, dear Bill. (hi Bill)

I get a different point from this than the one I think you meant to make.... this hero isn't GOD, it's GodMAN.... another example of the stupidity to which we f***ing earth people are so prone!

~Susan

Subject: 'With God on our side'...the way it is
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 11:08 AM

last week I posted a link to "Tom, the Dancing Bug" a cartoon that appears in the Washington Post and other papers....but they are always a week behind in the online version....so here is the strip that I wanted to note.

The point has been made many times, but THIS one you can stick to your refrigerator or mail to Aunt Maudie.

...'nuff said