BS: All you need to know about pirates...

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Charley Noble
Date: 19 Sep 04 - 10:45 AM

Who in Hell would have the gall,
To render the tripe of McGonagall;
If it were served up as haute ecole,
I fear I'd upchuck against the wall!

Charley Ignoble

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 04 - 11:52 AM

I'd give up France, and half of Donegal
Just to be shut of old McGonagall
His crimes of rhyme and insults sonic'll
Come back to haunt the name of McGonagall....

A

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Charley Noble
Date: 18 Sep 04 - 11:05 AM

Now if only McGonagall could have collaborated with Les Barker or Lou and Peter Barrymen.

Joe F-

I'll bite, what's HS?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Sep 04 - 12:09 AM

Hey! Cool looking magpie there, Joybell. I do look very young for my age.

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Joybell
Date: 18 Sep 04 - 12:01 AM

You look younger, Little Hawk. Maybe I'm wrong though, I should have said I think ....
Of course True-love looks about 40ish and he's nearly 66. He looked 16 until he was about 40. So you never can tell.
Teresa, you can view McGonagall's work on his website, along with his biography. As well as reading him here of course. Joy

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:35 PM

How do you know you're older than me?

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Teresa
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:34 PM

I think I will read it on the 'cat, as I think there may very well be a fair amount of it already present. Besides, I'm afraid the spam filters wouldn't deliver it anyhow. ;)

T

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Joybell
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:27 PM

Daily! I don't think I could stand all that emotion, and all that pleasure, every day. I've opted for three times weekly. Of course I'm older than you are Little Hawk.

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:05 PM

Yeah, that's what I did. I went for a daily infusion of McGonagall. Life has been so bountiful since that I advise everyone to do it!

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Joybell
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 09:32 PM

Charley, you can have McGonagall delivered daily to you by email. Or weekly, or twice weekly. Just go to his website and arrange it. Mudcat and McGonagall - a wonderful way to start the day. Joy

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 06:06 PM

Charley: You mean, the level of HS rather than BS?

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 01:35 PM

"Admiral Nelson", "woebegone"...the thing is, I can almost see Leonard Cohen doing that and somehow getting away with it...

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:34 AM

Anyone who thinks they can get away with rhyming "Admiral Nelson" with "woebegone" is past all hope and should, themselves, be shot from guns into the briny deep.

A

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Charley Noble
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:23 AM

Awesome stuff, Little Hawk, but this thread should not be in BS. Surely, it rises to the more sublime level.

You should post more "McGonagall doggerel" but please, no more than one poem per day so it may be more fully appreciated and commented on. I find it exceedingly rich fare.

Thanks,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 11:43 PM

I feel sure that he drove others to drink. I wonder if he ever married?

Well, to expand on the nautical theme, here is another maritime epic from McGonagall:

BILL BOWLS THE SAILOR
by William McGonagall

'TWAS about the beginning of the present century,
Bill Bowls was pressed, and sent to sea;
And conveyed on board the Waterwitch without delay,
Scarce getting time to bid farewell to the villagers of Fairway ·

And once on board the "Waterwitch," he resolved to do his duty,
And God willing, he'd marry Nelly Blyth, the village beauty;
And he'd fight for Old England, like a jolly British tar,
But he'd think of Nelly Blyth during the war.

The poor fellow little imagined what he had to go through,
But in ail his trials at sea, he never did rue;
No; the brave tar became reconciled to his fate,
And he felt proud of his commander, Captain Ward the great.

And on board the "Waterwitch" was Tom Riggles, his old comrade,
And with such a one as Tom Riggles he seldom felt afraid,
Because the stories they told on board made the time fly away,
And made the hearts of their messmates feel light and gay.

'Twas on a sunny morning, and clear to the view,
Captain Ward the close attention of his men he drew:
Look ! he cried, there's two Frenchmen of war on our right,
Therefore, prepare my men immediately to commence the fight.

Then the "Waterwitch" was steered to the ship most near,
While every man resolved to sell his life most dear;
But the French commander, disinclined to commence the fight,
Ordered his men to put on a press of canvas and take to flight.

But Captain Ward quickly gave the order to fire,
Then Bill Bowls cried, Now we'll get fighting to our heart's desire!
And for an hour and more a running fight was maintained,
Until the two ships of the enemy near upon the "Waterwitch" gained.

Captain Ward walked the deck with a firm tread,
When a shot from the enemy pierced the ship's side above his head;
And with a splinter Bill Bowls was wounded on the left arm,
And he cried, Death to the frog-eaters! they have done me little harm.

Then Captain Ward cried, Fear not, we will win the day,
Now, courage my men, pour in broadsides without delay;
Then they sailed round the "St. Denis" and the "Gloire,"
And in at their cabin windows they poured a deadly fire.

The effect on the two ships was fearful to behold,
But still the Frenchmen stuck to their guns with courage, be it told;
And the crash and din of artillery was deafening to the ear,
And the cries of the wounded men on deck were pitiful to hear.

Then Captain Ward to his men did say,
We must board these French ships without dismay;
Then he seized his cutlass, ashe fearlessly spoke,
And jumped on board the "St. Denis" in the midst of the smoke.

Then Bill Bowls and Tom Riggles quickly followed him,
Then hand to hand the battle in earnest did begin;
And the men sprang upon their foes and beat them back,
And they hauled down their colours, and hoisted the Union Jack.

But the men on board the "St. Denis" fought desperately hard,
But, alas! as the "St Denis" was captured, a ball struck Captain Ward
Right on the forehead, and he fell dead with a groan,
And for the death of Captain Ward the sailors did cry and moan.

Then the first lieutenant, who was standing by,
Loudly to the men did cry:
Come men, and carry your noble commander to his cabin below,
But there is one consolation, we have beaten the foe.

And thus fell Captain Ward in the prime of his life,
And I hope he is now in the better land, free from strife:
But, alas! 'tis sad to think he was buried in the mighty deep,
Where too many of our brave seamen do silently sleep.

The "St. Denis" and the "Gloire" were towed to Gibraltar, the nearest port,
But by capturing of them, they felt but little sport,
Because, for the loss of Captain Ward, the men felt woebegone,
Because in bravery, they said, he was next to Admiral Nelson.

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Teresa
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 11:37 PM

Yes.

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: LadyJean
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 11:34 PM

I'm not sure what it is about McGonigall. Is it the complete absence of scansion? The abomoinable rhymes, or the vast number of cliche's that give his poems their special quality? If you haven't read his poem about New York, I reccomend it highly.

McGonigall was a teetotaller. Do you suppose that was his problem?

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Teresa
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 11:23 PM

Just checking.

T

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 11:13 PM

Dear god, a dream of other-worldly proportions from which one could only pray to be swiftly recalled, by any means at all!


A

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Teresa
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 01:53 AM

I can well imagine, quietly reading Mcgonagall from a handsome volume whilst listening to the soothing strains of Wagner. ;)

T

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Teresa
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 01:47 AM

Hey, he has a middle name that begins with T, just like James Kirk. It's just as unusual, too. ;)
William Topaz McGonagall, Poet and tregedian

Me, I prefer robert Service and Henry Lawson. :)

T

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Amos
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 12:03 AM

You are so gracious when caught stealing bases, LH, that it makes me forgive you for trying!! LOL


A

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 11:28 PM

You are so right, Amos. You have never been righter. That's what I love about this poem. McGonagall somehow manages to completely gap out on practically everything significant Edward Teach ever did...on his ramshackle way to describing the last violent incident in Blackbeard's notorious and colorful life. Thus he holds to the McGonagall standard: write very badly, very floridly, and very clumsily, and emphasize the mundane in an incongrous fashion while attempting to express a grand and universally sweeping view of events in the tradition of great literature. The man is astounding.

Oh, God! "Chuzzlewit!" That is so perfect. I nearly fall out of my chair as I type. I am turning red in the face and my eyes are watering!

Amos, you have a capacity for wit that is only exceeded by your generally erudite and gentlemanly nature.

Either that or you just don't get it.

Man, I have gotta tell you about my real heroes sometime. You're beginning to worry me.

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 11:20 PM

So Shatner's in the movie?

:~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 11:18 PM

LIttle Hawk:

Just to keep the record straight, Maynards assault and conquest of Teach was one lousy little incident in the long and glorious history of the pirates of the SPanish Main. You are badly misguided in your sense of perspective if you think this chuzzlewit is telling even a fraction of all that there is to know about them. And badly distorted, as always, in your choices of heros. Your lust for approbation knows no lower bound, obviously, and you will sink to any depth to satiate it. You pursue the inept, the mediocre, the astonishingly bad with all the mad cheeriness of some poor overwhelmed housewife from Dubuque accosting a soap-opera star by her character name int he streets of New York. It is shameful, and doubly so in your case because you have the sensibility to discriminate, and the grounding to know better by far.

A

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Joybell
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 09:24 PM

McGonagall - The great teacher. Learned more history from him than I ever did from school or almost anywhere else, with the possible exception of Flashman.

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 09:07 PM

When you can write like McGonagall, then sir, then...take umbrage with the accuracy of my historical references!

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 08:39 PM

Oh, so we're going to get picky and pedantic, are we???

Subject: RE: BS: All you need to know about pirates...
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 08:07 PM

a rainy, foggy little island kingdom

McGonagall did not come from that particular "rainy, foggy little island kingdom", which did not exist at the time of the Armada.

Subject: BS: All you really need to know about pirates...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Sep 04 - 07:49 PM

...is contained in this masterful bit of poetic grandeur by William McGonagall. Read it and marvel, as always, at his command of both rythm and rhyme, meter and majestic muse. Personally, I think the "comet" line is the best one in this poem:

CAPTAIN TEACH ALIAS "BLACK BEARD"
by William McGonagall

Edward Teach was a native of Bristol, and sailed from that port
On board a privateer, in search of sport,
As one of the crew, during the French War in that station,
And for personal courage he soon gained his Captain's approbation.

'Twas in the spring of 1717, Captain Harnigold and Teach sailed from Providence
For the continent of America, and no further hence;
And in their way captured a vessel laden with flour,
Which they put on board their own vessels in the space of an hour.

They also seized two other vessels and took some gallons of wine,
Besides plunder to a considerable value, and most of it most costly design;
And after that they made a prize of a large French Guinea-man,
Then to act an independent part Teach now began.

But the news spread throughout America, far and near,
And filled many of the inhabitants' hearts with fear;
But Lieutenant Maynard with his sloops of war directly steered,
And left James River on the 17th November in quest of Black Beard,
And on the evening of the 21st came in sight of the pirate;
And when Black Beard spied his sloops he felt elate.

When he saw the sloops sent to apprehend him,
He didn't lose his courage, but fiendishly did grin;
And told his men to cease from drinking and their tittle-tattle,
Although he had only twenty men on board, and prepare for battle.

In case anything should happen to him during the engagement,
One of his men asked him, who felt rather discontent,
Whether his wife knew where he had buried his pelf,
When he impiously replied that nobody knew but the devil and himself.

In the Morning Maynard weighed and sent his boat to sound,
Which, coming near the pirate, unfortunately ran aground;
But Maynard lightened his vessel of the ballast and water,
Whilst from the pirates' ship small shot loudly did clatter.

But the pirates' small shot or slugs didn't Maynard appal,
He told his men to take their cutlasses and be ready upon his call;
And to conceal themselves every man below,
While he would remain at the helm and face the foe.

Then Black Beard cried, "They're all knocked on the head,"
When he saw no hand upon deck he thought they were dead;
Then Black Beard boarded Maynard'a sloop without dismay,
But Maynard's men rushed upon deck, then began the deadly fray.

Then Black Beard and Maynard engaged sword in hand,
And the pirate fought manfully and made a bold stand;
And Maynard with twelve men, and Black Beard with fourteen,
Made the most desperate and bloody conflict that ever was seen.

At last with shots and wounds the pirate fell down dead,
Then from his body Maynard severed the pirate's head,
And suspended it upon his bowsprit-end,
And thanked God who so mercifully did him defend.

Black Beard derived his name from his long black beard,
Which terrified America more than any comet that had ever appeared;
But, thanks be to God, in this age we need not be afeared,
Of any such pirates as the inhuman Black Beard.

*********

It was not for nothing that rapturous throngs attended public poetry recitals by McGonagall, bringing with them overripe vegetables and fruits with which to pelt the poet when he made curtain calls. It was not for nothing that he received numerous phony invitations to read at various prestigious halls the length and breadth of the United Kingdom, said invitations having been penned by local pranksters intent on sending the poor man on a wild goose chase. His Shakespearian performances in Dundee were quite noteworthy as well. When playing Hamlet, for instance, he stretched out the death scene so interminably that hecklers in the audience began yelling "Lie doon, McGonagall! Lie doon!" Finally he did, but not without wringing every last drop of pathos from the dramatic moment. (The audience cheered wildly.)

It was absolute self-assurance such as McGonagall's that enabled a rainy, foggy little island kingdom to defeat Imperial Spain and conquer half the globe, founding the most extensive empire in history.