BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 06 - 10:41 PM

The USA hadn't yet been discovered by Europeans that we know of probably back in the 1 to about 30 CE we think even though there most certainly were people living here then and some of them had pretty highly advanced cultures so it's not likely that Jesus would have even tried to get it much less be denied entry or have to go through a whole lot of shit and decide that it wasn't worth the trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Apr 06 - 10:40 PM

Hey man......Are you crazy? You're talkin that blasphemy stuff there! Every WASP can tell you he was a blonde. Hell, even I knew that 'cause when he divided the loaves and fishes it didn't come out even so he served up steak instead.....typical blonde!

BTW, the Reg boys are three Canuck brothers all named Reg. They were introduced to Mudcat by Rick Fielding who said they were his half brothers.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Apr 06 - 10:31 PM

Sigh...

All I want to know is this. What are the Reg boys' names? And how many of them are there? I assume it's two guys. Am I right? Or are there three or more Reg boys?

And Jesus did not have blonde hair! He looked a fair bit like a younger Osama Bin Laden, but not so tall. He would probably not be able to get into the USA today without going through a whole lot of shit, and it wouldn't be worth it anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: GUEST,I AM...the Big Guy
Date: 06 Apr 06 - 10:24 PM

Joe, Joe, Joe...what are thou so whiny? Verily, I say unto thee, thou art not an Igmo, yet thou speaketh as one of the Igmoes of the Utmost.

Thou hast spoken wisely when thou sayeth, "Lord knows...", for 'deed, I do! Yet, it is not My knowing that is troublesome, yet your unknowing.
Truly, I have surrounded you with many who admire you and give you honor, within this forum and without.

Yea, even he who is called "Spaw" holds you in unspoken awe, though he wouldst deny it.

Strengthen the weak knees and gird thine loins like a man. Stand boldly, doing that which I have commanded of thee. Stand tall and proclaim, "I, Sir, am not an Igmo!", and thou shalt doeth well in the land of the Cat of Mud.

Himself

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Joe Offer
Date: 06 Apr 06 - 03:24 AM

Gees, can't I have at least just one person to worship me??? Lord knows I get enough of the opposite...

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: khandu
Date: 05 Apr 06 - 06:38 PM

I have absolutely no recollection of any of this happening!!! I deny it ever happened! Spaw is at it again; rewriting history, creating non-happenings in the minds of the impressionable, the silly and the just-plain-doofus, all just to besmirch the Royal Character of...NO! NOT ME!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You thought I was going to say "the Royal Character of the King of Mississippi", didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???? But, no, I wasn't going to say "the Royal Character of the King of Mississippi"! I was going to say, and will now say, "The Royal Character of the First Duck of Pelahatchie...Sir Joe Offer (who, by the way, is no IGMO!)"

How was this an attack upon the character of the First Duck if it is about my Royal Self. SEE!!! THAT"S WHAT SPAW IS GOOD AT!!!! MISDIRECTION!!!!!! Just like good magicians, Spaw has pulled the hair out of his ass and made you think he pulled a rabbit out of his hat!!!!

But look at the TRUTH!!! By looking at what was really said in THE OPENING SENTENCE OF SPAW'S POST, we find the TRUTH!!!!

Read it again:
It appears that khandu is once again in the clutches of Joe Offer worship.

SEE!!! The problem of which he speaks is not "khandu" but rather "JOE OFFER WORSHIP"!!!

There is an old Teocian proverb that goes something like this:

"When one's enemy is to big to attack openly, attack those who give honor and respect to him and rewrite history about them to make them look like psychotic deranged insane crazy people, thus causing them to lose all credibility, which will then reflect upon the one whom they have honored and respected, thereby causing the one they honored and respected to lose all credibility."

No doubt Spaw can readily quote this proverb verbatim, for THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS TRYING TO DO!!!!!

But we at Mudcat are much much too smart for an amatuer word magician!
HAW!!!!....GO AWAY, YOU REWRITER OF HISTORY!!!!

******************************************************************************************


Course, Khandu wasn't really ever quite the same after that, was he?
Morticia, how astute of you to have perceived that fact. However, the TRUTH be known...I wasn't really ever quite the same before that.

Thank you Carol C for the lovely photograph! My right side has always been my best! And did you know, poor old Tweed rip the seat right out of his pants when he arose from that position! It did not embarrass him however: he, like Spaw and his ilk, always enjoys showing his ass.

Oooooohhh...the Butler rings....must be Tea-time!!!!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Apr 06 - 06:29 PM

Did he get stuck in that position from the bottle rockets (with whustle and report)?

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Apr 06 - 08:22 AM

I didn't know he wore a dress.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Apr 06 - 05:40 AM

Yes it did (grow back). Here is how he looks now in his new 'incarnation' as a championship ballroom dancer...

http://www.geocities.com/squeezemusette/khandu.html

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Morticia
Date: 05 Apr 06 - 05:27 AM

Has it really been 3 years? Doesn't time fly? Course, Khandu wasn't really ever quite the same after that, was he? Did the hair grow back, by the way?

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Amos
Date: 05 Apr 06 - 05:14 AM

Actually, the way Jeff figgered out to save the space was brilliant. All the posts get written to hard-disk space in a very tiny font. Then, when they are called up for viewing, the font gets changed back. Brill, eh? Really compresses the files...seems obvious, once you think of it!


A

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: number 6
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 11:40 PM

I could easily put the fires out if I could find some water for my squirt gun.

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 11:13 PM

Sacriligious!
All I could imagine was Burning Bushes.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 11:05 PM

Nah, GUEST, we don' hafta worry 'bout no hard disk real estate 'round here no more. Ya see, all that data stuff ain't nothin' but ones an' zeroes, right? So a hard disk is got lotsa ones an' lotsa zeroes wrote all over it, right? Well, Jeff figgered out a way t' stick th' ones inside th' zeroes so's all that data stuff can be wrote in half th' space. They's plenty of room now.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: number 6
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:37 PM

Anyone have some spare water ... gotta reload!

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:36 PM

Pee shooter, Spaw.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:36 PM

I go for squirt gun myself.(:<))

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:34 PM

He's shooting blanks. . .

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:33 PM

Well it is kinda' scary especially when the condom factory goes up 6, but I never figured it for a "Yikes!!"

Take some aspirin.....

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: number 6
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:31 PM

Yikes !!!

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:31 PM

No big deal Carol.....You reckon this one has a rifle or a 6 shooter? Or maybe just a squirt gun?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:29 PM

Or maybe it's on 17.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:29 PM

Looks like we got a sniper on this thread.

Yes indeed... that was a night to remember.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:27 PM

Ah well, we got a lot of discs.....I think this one is stored with the others on disc number 6.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:22 PM

Well there goes some much valued real estate on the Mudcat disk.

Subject: RE: BS: 3 Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:18 PM

Ah yes, I remember it well.

Subject: BS: 3Year Anniversary of the Khandu Exorcism
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 06 - 10:10 PM

It appears that khandu is once again in the clutches of Joe Offer worship. Hard to believe, but it's been almost three years since we performed that exorcism. Almost three years.....at least it was on Easter weekend in 2003........Trying to reclaim khandu from his Joe Offer btown nosing and things went sadly and tragically awry.......Maybe we should do it again......Or maybe we could hold one for Shambles? I dunno', but here's the way I told it then, when it went down. Exactly how it happened.......Do you remember?

Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............

The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's a Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dolls and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved?

Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........

About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me..................

Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me.

I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right.   Once again, I should have relied on past experience.............

The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking..................

I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluva' show!

On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event.

When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all.............

Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove.   They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................

Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this...............

Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!"   After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least as he thought it was fine they were dogs I guess. He and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding.

In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks.

I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse..........

Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street.

The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now.

Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess.......

As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs..............

Damn but that was a day....and a lot more thereafter with various attorneys and police-type folks. The Mohunkers sold the church to a doctor's group that started a contraceptive clinic......and I never did get any drugs......and I still need some.

I'm beginning to see one of these for Shambles.........might work if we did a better job!

Spaw