Really Really Important Poem

Subject: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: LR Mole
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:16 PM

No, it isn't. Too hot to be anything but silly. This from Ogden Nash:

A primal termite knocked on wood
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
(Anyone else know some good, tiny, amusing poems?)

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:27 PM

Ogden would surely have spelt 'parlor' with a 'u' No?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:33 PM

String Is a very important thing. Rope is thicker but string is quicker Spike Milligan

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Willa
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:41 PM

Early to bed and early to rise
Is the way to feel stupid and have red eyes

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Kim C
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:44 PM

Someone posted this on the Cat a long time ago - I'm sorry I don't remember who - and I have enjoyed it ever since:

An accident happened to my brother Jim
When somebody threw a tomato at him
Tomatoes are juicy and don't hurt the skin
But this one was specially packed in a tin

Also here's one Mister says now and then; I think he said an old friend of his made it up, or claimed to:

A bear sleeps in a bearskin, I suppose
I slept in my bare skin and damn near froze

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Willa
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:02 PM

Early to bed and early to rise
Is the way to feel stupid and have red eyes. Shirley Hughes

Remarkable
Truly is art
See-elliptical wheels on a cart!
It looks very fair
In the picture, up there, But imagine the
Ride when you start. Gelett Burgess

Oh cuckoo! shall I call thee bird,
Or but a wandering voice?
State the alternative preferred,
With reasons for your choice. F. H. Townsend

The Wife's Epitaph
To follow you I'm not content.
How do I know which way you went? Anon

Inscribed On a Pint Pot
There are several reasons for drinking,
And one has just entered my head;
If a man cannot drink when he's living,
How the Hell can he drink when he's dead?
(Last one suitable for Micca's mug?)

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Willa
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:04 PM

Oh dear! Penultimate line should be 'How the Hell can he drink when he's dead?'

fixed it
joeclone

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Karen
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:06 PM

Supposedly the shortest poem:


FLEAS

Adam had 'em.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Jacob B
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:11 PM

Stopping By Woods While It's Snowing, Even

Whose woods these are I know, I think
His house is in the village though
He will not see to raise a stink
If I stop here to watch the snow

My horse must think my mind is gone
To stop without a farmhouse near
In another hour it will be dawn
He thinks we should get out of here

He gives his harness bells a ring
To ask if there is some mistake
And in my face I feel the sting
Of hard wind driving frozen flake

And so I snap the reins on down
For I have promises to keep
I have to take this horse to town
And trade the nag in for a Jeep.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:22 PM

My dad, who is 84, recently told me this one. He'd seen it, as a boy of about 7 or 8, on the last covered wagon to pass through the town he grew up in, in Colorado:

"California - Starvation
Utah - Mormon Nation
Colorado - Irrigation
It beats hell and damnation
But, I'm going back to my wife's relations!"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:23 PM

A baby sardine saw his first submarine,
He cried as he watched through a peephole.
"Oh come, come, come!"
Said the sardine's mum,
"It's only a tin full of people."

Spike Milligna,
the well-known typing error

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Peter T.
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:45 PM

My favourite, a perfect Nash poem:

Shake and shake the ketchup bottle,
None'll come, and then a lot'l.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:47 PM

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker...

Good old Ogden. Poem for everything.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:55 PM

I remember these from my misspent youth:

The gum-chewing girl and the cud-chewing cow
Seem somewhat alike, but different, somehow.
Ah, yes! There it is! I see it all now!
It's the intelligent look on the face of the cow!

OR

Moses supposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses,
As Moses supposes his toeses to be!

OR

The breezes, the breezes,
They blow through the treeses.
They blow the girls' skirtses
Above the girls' kneeses.
The college man seeses
And does what he pleases
And spreads the diseases
Oh Jeezes! Oh Jeezes!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:59 PM

Guest, why would he spell it like that? As far as I can tell, he was pretty well-educated.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:12 PM

I wish I loved the human race.
I wish I loved it's silly face.
I wish I loved the way it walks,
I wish I loved the way it talks-
And when I'm introduced to one,
I wish I thought, "What jolly fun".

A man fell into a septic tank;
Oh, that tank, it really stank.
He couldn't swim inside that tank,
But he went through the movements before he sank.

A Glossina morsitans bit rich Aunt Betsy..
Tsk, tsk..Tse-Tse.

...Infant Innocence
The grizzly bear is fierce and wild;
It hath devoured the infant child.
The infant child is unaware,
It has been eaten by the bear.

Short poem and sea story
Sail,
Gale,
Pale,
Rail.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:20 PM

Der spring is sprung, der grass is riz, I wonder where dem boydies is? The little boyds is on der wing, But dat's absoyd, der wings Is on der boyd.

(OK, so I can't do Location Specific American Accents.... just pretend you're from Queens....)

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:33 PM

(traditionally spelled with 'oi', Liz...*grin*...'boid', etc..)...but nice...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:56 PM

And I thought he was fixing the line return thing so we wouldn't need < B R > any longer....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: brid widder
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:14 PM

this one is all my own work....

when it came to features I didn't have a lot of luck I was right at the back of the queue I think and what I got given I took when I was younger it bothered me but now I don't give a fuck I once was an ugly duckling well now I'm am ugly duck

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:33 PM

I wish that this room had a floor,
I don't care so much for a door,
But walking around
Without touching the ground,
Is getting to be such a bore.


As I was going down the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today;
I wish, I wish, he'd go away.


Fell in the fire, and burned to ashes.
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.


I never saw a purple cow,
And hope I never see one.
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one.

Several examples dredged up from my subconscious. Heaven knows where they came from!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:42 PM

(first line of above.."Little Willie in the best of sashes")

"Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it.
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'll kill you if you quote it!

Gelette (sp?) Burgess

"Edgar A. Guest
Is never at his best."

"I sneezed a sneeze into the air;
It fell to earth, I know not where.
But hard & cold were the looks of those,
In whose vicinity I had snoze"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Brían
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:48 PM

I have heard that verse about "my brother Tim" sung to VILLIKENS HIS DINAH.

Brían.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Shields Folk
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:58 PM

I wish I was a caterpillar, life would be a farce. sliding down the plants and trees and sliding on my....

...hands and knees.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Shields Folk
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 07:30 PM

Arf, Arf he goes, a merry sight,
Our little hairy friend,
Arf,Arf, upon the lampost bright
Arfing round the bend.
Nice dog! Goo boy,
waggie tail and beg,
Clever Nigel jump for joy
because we're putting you to sleep at three of the clock Nigel.

John Lennon

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Amos
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 07:52 PM

Hurray, hurray! The first of May! Outdoor sex Begins today!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: RangerSteve
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 09:53 PM

When dear Aunt May fell off the boat,
And couldn't swim and wouldn't float,
Matilda just stood there and smiled.
I really could have slapped that child.


I had a dream. It was my own dream. I dreamt it.
I dreamed my hair was kempt, and my own true love unkempt it.


In the family wishing well,
Willie pushed his sister Nell.
She's there yet because it kilt her,
Now we'll have to buy a filter.

Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
"Careful, Bill. Don't mar the paint."

The one about the dream is by Ogden Nash. The others I'm not sure about.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 10:45 PM

From the 1918 flu epidemic:

"... I had a little bird
Its name was Enza.
I opened the window,
And in-flu-enza!"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 10:51 PM

Cleaned that one up some, huh Amos?

Gene, Gene,
Built a machine.
Frank, Frank,
Turned the crank.
Joe, Joe,
Made it go.
Art, Art,
Let a fart,
And blew the whole damn thing apart.

From me you were expecting it weren't you....What else.............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Grab
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 09:33 AM

I believe this was a Jody Call...

Uncle Bert and Auntie Mabel,
Fell asleep at the breakfast table.
Let that be an awful warning
Not to do it in the morning.
Ovaltine has put them right,
Now they do it day and night.
Uncle Bert is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.
Hark the herald angels sing,
"Ovaltine's a damn fine thing."

Graham.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: sian, west wales
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 10:25 AM

Losing one glove is certainly painful
But nothing compared to the pain
Of losing one
Throwing away the other
And finding the first one again.

By a Danish poet in ... the 60s? I think his name was Piet Hein...

sian

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Trapper
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 10:36 AM

A couple more from Ogden Nash...

I pity thee, O Octopus,
If I were thee, I'd call me "Us"

A panther's like a leopard
Except it isn't peppered
If you behold a panther crouch
Prepare to say "Ouch"
And if you are called by a panther
Don't Anther.

- Al

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: mooman
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:18 AM

A couple of extra short ones from memory, forgotten the authors although the first is by a well-known Glaswegian poet and the second won a prize in a schoolchildrens' poetry contest.

Nae hat an' the rain pouring doon
Oh dearie me

The grocery
Was out of broccoli
Luckily

mooman

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:24 AM

My sister Lauras bigger than me
And picks me up quite easily
I cant lift her I've tried and tried
She must have something heavy inside

Spike Milligan

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: LR Mole
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:38 AM

As to "parlour floor":my Readers' Encyclopedia says Ogden Nash was born in America, so I don't imagine he would have added that old-world "u" to parlor (or as we pronounce it around here,pahlla.)
Piet Hein wrote a number of poems, called "Grooks". A fad at one time.
And of a poet mentioned already, this from Dorothy Parker:
I'd rather flunk my Wasserman test
Than read a poem by Edgar A. Guest.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:42 AM

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks,
Which practically conceals it's sex.
I think it clever of the turtle,
In such a fix, to be so fertile.

Odgen, of course

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Barbara
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 12:01 PM

"Little Willies" were common in the US back in the 20's and 30's maybe? I learned several from my parents and grandparents.
Little Willie, dressed in sashes
Fell in the fire and burnt to ashes
After while the room grew chilly
Because no one wanted to stir up Willie

Willie playing by the track
Didn't hear the engine squeal
Now the train is coming back
Scraping Willie off the wheel

There's another varianton the train track theme whose last two lines are:
The neighbors were surprised to find
How travel broadened Willie's mind

My mother's favorite: Little Willie's dead and gone
We'll never see him more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

And for silliness, I always liked this Robert Frost poem:

I stepped on the toe
Of an unemployed hoe
It rose in offense
And struck me a blow
On the seat of my sense
I must say it dealt
Me a blow that I felt
Like malice prepense
Now wasn't there a rule
that a weapon
should be turned into a tool?
But what do I see?
The first tool I step on
Turns into a weapon.

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 01:31 PM

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh how I wish he'd go away.

and

How I loves them little mousies
Mousies what I loves to eat
Likes to bites they tiny heads off
Nibbles on they tiny feet.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Kim C
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 02:00 PM

Spaw! I haven't heard that one in eons!!!!! :-D

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 04:22 PM

Reading these keeps bringing back childhood poems such as

Little pig
Crossing street
Rushing car
Sausage meat

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 04:40 PM

Piggy on the railway
Picking up stones,
Along came an engine
And broke piggy's bones.
"Oh," said Piggy,
"That's not fair!"
"Ha!" said the engine driver,
"I don't care!"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bernard
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 04:46 PM

Today I saw a little worm
A-wriggling on his belly
Perhaps he'd like to come inside
And see what's on the telly?! Milligan...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 05:02 PM

LR, I remember Piet Hein's grooks with awe. They used to appear regularly in Punch sometime in the mid-60s. For instance:

Just beyond perception's reach
I vaguely seem to see
That life is two locked boxes, each
Wrapped round the other's key.

And yet another from Spike, penned years before greenhouse gases had got on to the agenda:

I saw a woman in Kensington Gore
Take her Rolls-Royce to the grocer's store.
All she bought was a dozen eggs.
When I go shopping, I travel on legs.

This one was accompanied by two sketches labelled WRONG and RIGHT. The first was a cardboard cut-out Roller of the conventionally wheeled variety, the second was another cut-out Roller, but this time fitted with four rotating lags, front and aft.

Can't resist squeezing in just one more from Spike:

As they placed the crown upon his head
Prince Charles turned round and said
"I suppose this means that mummy's dead?"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 10:17 PM

...And Then the Prince Knelt Down and Tried to Put the Glass Slipper on Cinderella's Foot

I really didn't notice that he had a funny nose.
And he certainly looked better all dressed up in fancy clothes.
He's not nearly as attractive as he seemed the other night.
So I think I'll just pretend that this glass slipper feels too tight.

By Judith Viorst

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:13 PM

When I was a kidlet, in the late 30s, my aunt Lucille was fond of reciting this one, from HER childhood:

Little Isaac Eisenheimer
Thought he'd be a steeple climber.
Climbed to the top of St. Peter's steeple,
Then fell down and scared some people.
Broke the "-E.R." off his name--
Wasn't that a measly shame?
His father rushed up just in time
To pick up little Isaac Eisenheim!

She would still sometimes recite this at family gatherings, up until her death in her 80s.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:26 PM

I think I've put this one up before, but I like it.
I once had a little dog named Ben,
Had nine arseholes, nearly ten,
Wouldn't eat bread - wouldn't eat crust,
But ate apple pie till he fuckin'near bust

JG / FME

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:42 PM

Another by Ogden Nash ... "To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up"

Maybe it'll work ... who knows!

LL

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 12:28 PM

As I was letting down my hair
I met a man who didn't care.
He didn't care again today--
I love 'em when they get that way!

Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants,
Yours are the legs, my sweeting;
You look divine as you advance ...
But have you seen yourself retreating?
(Ogden Nash again)

In the well that Father built her
Auntie fell; we must buy a filter.
(Hilaire Belloc?)

Lord [forgotten!] tried to fix the elctric light;
It struck him dead, and serve him right!
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.
(Ditto--please offer corrections if poss.)

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Trapper
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:22 PM

Tarzan Tarzan through the air
Tarzan rip his underwear
Tarzan say, "Me no care
Jane fix my underwear."

Jane Jane through the air
Jane rip her underwear
Jane say, "Me no care
Boy fix my underwear."

Boy Boy through the air
Boy rip his underwear
Boy say, "Me no care
Cheetah fix my underwear."

Cheetah Cheetah through the air
Cheetah rip his underwear
Cheetah say, "Me no care
Me no WEAR no underwear!"

- Al

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:37 PM

This was composed by my comrade Tammy, a member of my knitting guild:

A naughty knitter named Nelly
Got a number 10* stuck in her belly
Never had it removed
Because it improved
The reception she got on the telly

*that's a big ol knittin needle, for those who don't knit