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BS: New joke thread of 2015
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Joe Offer Date: 29 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM Well, this isn't really a joke - it's an actual entry from the Parish Bulletin of my Catholic church: Wed. 4/15:
7:00 PM: Gamblers Anonymous -Joe- |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Steve Shaw Date: 29 Apr 15 - 07:35 PM A bit rude this one, but talk of graffiti on the walls of gents' toilets reminded me of this, seen on the wall of the gents in the Queen Vic, Loughton, in about 1980: "Linda Lovelace has the nicest teeth I've ever come across." |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: GUEST,gillymor Date: 29 Apr 15 - 09:24 PM Note found on the windshield of a parked car: I just hit your car. People are milling about watching me. They think that I'm leaving you my name and address. They are wrong. |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Don Firth Date: 30 Apr 15 - 09:22 PM As Joe indicates, church bulletins are often a rich mine of some real doozies. Example: Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.Uh...yeah, that helps a lot.... Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Don Firth Date: 30 Apr 15 - 09:34 PM Another gem I first saw on a men's room wall in a local tavern. It's and old one and has adorned many such walls, but it's a classic: Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: frogprince Date: 30 Apr 15 - 10:08 PM Not exactly from the church bulletin...a friend was serving his internship from seminary at a little conservative country church, they put an announcement in the local paper, and someone typoed; it was supposed to be a potluckdinner. Men's room wisdom? from a pizza place near Northwestern University, thirty-some years ago: first handwriting:"The pizza here is lousy"; second handwriting: "I'd rather eat the waitress"; third handwriting: "I did; the pizza tastes better". |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: MGM·Lion Date: 01 May 15 - 06:22 AM Since we are into loo-wall graffiti; I once found the following two verses on the walls of adjacent cubicles in the Gents' at Cambridge Circus:- One would think for all this wit That Shakespeare had been here to shit And after all that might be true For Shakespeare had an arsehole too .,,. A man's ambition must be small To write his name upon this wall For even Shakespeare did not write When he sat down to have a shite Now that's what you might call a literary controversy, innit eh? ≈M≈ |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: GUEST,gillymor Date: 01 May 15 - 07:35 AM Spotted above a urinal at eye level: Don't look up here, the joke is in your hand. |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Musket Date: 01 May 15 - 08:17 AM I did actually see this on a bog wall somewhere many yonks ago. If music be the food of love, play on Shakespeare Fuck DH Laurence. I may have seen but there again may have read elsewhere Some come here to sit and think Others come to shit and stink. On the almost Shakespeare quote, I forget how many wannabe comics in folk clubs contrived this into a song introduction ; If music be the food of love Why don't Rabbits sing like buggery? |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Louie Roy Date: 01 May 15 - 08:05 PM Johnny was told to write a poem about a bug or roach and this what he wrote as I was going down the hall I saw a cockroach run up the wall. His teacher said very good Johnny but leave the cock out. Now try it again. This is what he wrote as I was going down the hall I saw a roach run up the wall with his cock out |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: GUEST,# Date: 01 May 15 - 08:54 PM I didn't see this one in real life but did read about it in a graffiti book. Seems three writers were involved. I like grils. You mean girls! What about us grils? |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: BillOC Date: 01 May 15 - 08:55 PM On their first date, the young man took his girl to the fair. "What would you like to do?" he asked. "I want to get weighed," was her reply. So they went to the booth where a man could "Guess your Weight and Height, $1." He correctly guessed she was 5 foot 4 inches, and weighed 105 pounds. Next the boy took her to the merry-go-round, then asked "What would you like to do now?" Her reply, "I want to get weighed." Back to the booth they went, and found that she was still 5 foot 4, and 105 pounds. "Would you like to try some of the fair food?" he asked. "No, I want to get weighed,' she replied. Frustrated, he dragged her back to his car, sped to her home, and cast her out. Then he sped away. "How was your date?" her mom asked. "Wousey!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: frogprince Date: 02 May 15 - 11:30 AM I lived in Chicago for some years, and was a member of the Fort Dearborn Chicago Camera Club. The Club rented space in a State Street office building. I went in the john down the hall one evening and found: "I'm 24, and have 19 inches; phone...." "I'm 19, and have 24 inches; phone...." "Fort Dearborn Camera Club can use two tripods; apply in suite 904". |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Louie Roy Date: 02 May 15 - 12:17 PM It was rumored that Rastus had 14 inches and Mrs Murphy decided to go over to his house and confront him. She said Rastus I heard you had 4 4 4 goodness sakes |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 02 May 15 - 01:09 PM This is supposed to be true, but I've never believed it. My father was a navvy and, because he wasn't afraid to speak his mind he was given the job as spokesman for the men - his main job was to try and get the appalling toilet facilities on the sites improved. The system in those days was, when a site started up they would dig a large pit, place an oildrum at either end and put a plank stretching across to sit on - then they would lower a hut over it. When the pit was full, they would lift the hut off with a crane, fill in the pit and go and dig another one somewhere else on the site. My dad used to tell the story of when he went into one of these huts and found one of his workmates in the pit, up to his knees in the mess, with one arm fishing round underneath, obviously looking for something. "What are you doing Tommy?" "To tell the truth Jimmy, I came in, took my jacket off, hung it over the plank and began to do what I came in to do when my jacket fell in". "For crying out loud, you can't possibly wear it again after it's been in there". "I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket." Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Don Firth Date: 02 May 15 - 02:55 PM Two guys were amusing themselves and each other by coming up the various charades and trying to stump each other. One of the two kept solving the charades consistently, so the other decided he had to come up with a really elaborate one. He hired sixteen strippers and had them partially disrobe, stand in a row in a specific sequence, and face specified directions. The first was bare from the waist up and faced the front. The second was bare from the waist down with her posterior to the front. The next two pairs of women were the same, and the next two had their posteriors to the front. The next eight women lined up in an identical pattern. "It's a piece of music," he said to his opponent. "Can you guess what it is?" His opponent studied the line-up for about a minute, then he said, "AHA!! I've GOT it! It's the 'William Tell Overture!'" The first guy smacked himself in the forehead and said, "You're right. But how did you figure it out?" "Easy," said the other guy. "It's obvious. Titty-rump titty-rump titty-rump-rump-rump,Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 02 May 15 - 03:13 PM Young couple go out on their first date, find a secluded spot and after a while things began to get passionate. "If things are going to go any further", she says, you're going to have to wear one". "Wear one what? he says. "You know" she says. "Don't know what you're talking about", he says. So she explains to him what's needed. "Where am I going to get one of them things this time of night?" he says. "You're in luck", she says, "I always carry one in my handbag in case of an emergency". She takes one out and hands it to him. "What do I do with this? he asks. Rolling her eyes up in frustration, she takes it out of the wrapping and demonstrates by rolling it down her thumb. "Right", he says, and back to the job in hand. After a while she says, "are you sure you've got it on properly, I'm all wet?. "Sure, look", he says, sticking his thumb up. Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Louie Roy Date: 02 May 15 - 03:58 PM A lady went into a grocery store to buy some onions and after looking through the produce section she asked the manager where the onions were and he said I don't have any. She became very irate attacking the owner a grocery store with no onions and he told her as soon as he got through with his customer he would explain to her He said lady if you take the car out of carrots what do you have and she said rot, and if you take the to out of tomatoes what do you have and she said matoes, and if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have and she said there ain't no fuck in onions and he said lady that's what I've been trying to tell you there ain't No Fucking Onions |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 03 May 15 - 03:24 PM somewhat dubious one A new barman gets a job in a pub next door to a day-centre for the deaf and dumb. The Governor takes him through all his duties and teaches him the signs for all the drinks - crossed hands - pint of beer, two fingers three inches above one another - small whiskey, - four inches above each other - large whiskey... etc. Rather nervous, he makes a start on the first morning - and flies it.... not a single mistake during the entire day. Come closing time at three oclock, he goes into the crowded bar to call "time" - total silence, but every single customer is standing or sitting and swinging their hands up to shoulder height in perfect rhythm with each other. Puzzled, he walks into the lounge, only to find that exactly the same is happening - silence, but all hands being swung up and down in rhythm. In a panic, he seeks out the Governor and explains what's happening. "Oh shit" says the Governor, "we'll never get them home now they've started to sing". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: GUEST Date: 05 May 15 - 11:25 AM Two crows: attempted murder. |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 May 15 - 03:55 PM THREE LITTLE DUCKS WADDLE INTO A BAR Three little ducks waddle into a bar. "Good afternoon!" the bartender says to the first duck. "What's your name?" "Huey," says the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." "Good afternoon!" the bartender says to the first duck. "What's your name?" "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Don Firth Date: 06 May 15 - 12:25 AM ...Is there an echo in here, or am I missing something...? Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: GUEST,CrazyEddie Date: 06 May 15 - 06:59 AM But Duck quacks don't echo! (Yes, I know that has been debunked, but how could I resist?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Joe_F Date: 06 May 15 - 12:55 PM A farmer noticed one morning that one of his cows was cross-eyed, so he called in his veterinarian. The veterinarian asked the farmer for a length of hose. He put one end of the hose up the cow's ass, and blew hard into the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes straightened out right away. The next week, however, the cow was cross-eyed again. "Hell," said the farmer, "No point in paying the vet again; now I know what to do." So he repeated the treatment, but this time it was unsuccessful. So he called the vet, who arrived promptly & studied the situation. He pulled the hose out of the cow, put the other end in, and then blew. Sure enough, it worked. "Why did you have to use the other end?" asked the farmer. "Hell," said the veterinarian, "I didn't want to use the end you'd had in your mouth." -- Reminds me, vaguely, of a very old insult, I think by Martial, which might be translated freely: It isn't good manners to toast without passing the cup, But, seeing it's you, I suppose you're just being considerate. |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Mrrzy Date: 06 May 15 - 01:11 PM I am reminded of that story by Doc Watson, about a Baptist, a Quaker, and a recalcitrant cow... |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: GUEST, DTM Date: 06 May 15 - 08:36 PM "Two crows: attempted murder" Took me two days to get it....duh! Ha ha VG :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Joe_F Date: 06 May 15 - 10:11 PM Mrrzy: What story is that? I am reminded, in turn, of Grim Grizzle & her recalcitrant cow. DTM: I still don't get it. %^( |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 07 May 15 - 03:00 AM A mouse was making his way though a forest when he came across an elephant pinned to the ground by a rotting tree branch which had fallen on its trunk - it had been there for several days and was in a pretty bad way. The mouse set-to with a vengeance, scraping and burrowing under the branch for a long-long time, until at last, the elephant was able to drag itself free. Overcome with gratitude, the elephant profusely thanked the mouse and told him that anything it could possibly do in return, it was there for the asking. The mouse looked a little embarrassed, and finally said; "to tell you the truth, as stupid as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant". "No problem", says the elephant. So they sat down, worked out how it was going to be done, and made a start. They hadn't been at it for a minute or so, when another huge rotten tree branch broke and smacked the elephant squarely across the head - she let out a might roar. "I'm sorry", said the mouse, "was I being too rough?" Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 07 May 15 - 06:41 AM A zebra goes on an exchange visit to an English farm and on her arrival, she goes around finding out about each of the different animals. She meets a pig - "who are you and what do you do?" "I'm a pig - the farmer fattens me up all my life and when I die, I'm sent off to be slaughtered and my meat feeds people and my skin is used to make useful things". Next, a chicken - "I'm a chicken - a lay eggs every morning and when I die, my meat is used for food and my feathers are used to make bedding". As sheep; "I'm a sheep, I'm a sheep and I eat grass and the farmer regularly cuts my wool to make clothes, and when I die my meat feeds people and my skin is taken o make coats". A cow - "I'm a cow and I'm milked every morning, and when I die, my skin is used to make leather and my meat feeds people". Finally, the zebra trots off to the meadow to eat some grass, and in the corner of the field she sees an enormous great bull. She trots over and says, "I suppose you're another cow?" The bull turns around and glowers, "Feck off", he says, "I'm a bull" "What do you do?" "Get those feckin' pyjamas off and I'll show you". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 07 May 15 - 08:33 AM A woman living alone except for her old tom cat at the top of a house - every night, the same, read the paper, watch television, go to bed alone. One night, after an exceptionally bad run of television programmes, she is preparing to go to bed and she lets out a loud sigh - "I wish I had someone to keep me company". A passing Fairy Godmother hears her wish, points her magic wand and, FLASH - her tom cat turns into a handsome young man. Delighted, she sits him down and tells him to make himself comfortable, then she races to the kitchen, prepares him a meal, sets the table for two, with candles and wine, and eventually, calls him in to eat. They sit down to eat the delicious meal, open the wine and finish the bottle, then they relax on the sofa. "Wouldn't it be nice", she said, "if we were now to go to bed and make passionate love". "It would", he says. "Isn't it a pity you sent me to the vet to have that operation?" Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Mrrzy Date: 07 May 15 - 08:42 AM OK, so, the Quaker had a cow that every morning, when he milked her, managed to kick over the bucket when it was almost full. One morning the Quaker just loses it when she spills all that new milk, and he says Bossie, now, I can't strike thee, but on the morrow I'll sell thee to a Baptist, and he'll kick the **** out of thee! |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: GUEST,DTM Date: 07 May 15 - 09:31 AM For JoeF: The collective noun for crows is "A Murder Of Crows" |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Don Firth Date: 07 May 15 - 08:25 PM An amateur acting company decided to put on a Shakespeare festival in hopes that it might become an annual event. They spend most of their meagre resources on sets and costumes, but they justified that expenditure by assuming that they could reuse them. But they forgot about publicity—and posters – until their funds were all but gone. They could get some free publicity by asking local radio stations to put on public service announcements. And one of their company volunteered to come up with a design for an inexpensive poster they could have distributed. They forgot, however, that this particular volunteer had a penchant for double entendres and was absolutely obsessed with sex. He presented them with a design that would be economical to print. He condensed the titles: 3" 6" 9"They stared at the poster, then said "We don't get it. How are people supposed to know what plays we have lined up?" "Isn't it obvious?" he says, and explains: 3" = Much Ado about Nothing.Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Joe_F Date: 07 May 15 - 09:01 PM A boy and a girl were sitting on a fence, watching a cow and a bull. Boy (shily): "I wish I was a-doing that." Girl (shrugs): "It's your cow." |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 08 May 15 - 03:07 AM Same theme A priest cycling along country lane, meets a little girl leading a cow along by a rope "Where are you going Mary?" "Taking the cow to the bull father" "That's not a suitable job for someone your age to be doing, can't your father do it" "No father, the bull has to do it". Jim carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: frogprince Date: 08 May 15 - 09:34 AM Men look at boobs for the same reason that women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them. |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Peter the Squeezer Date: 08 May 15 - 11:00 AM Rumours of an earthquake on the Isles of Scilly are proved to be unfounded. The source of the tremors is now known to be Harold Wilson turning in his grave. |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 09 May 15 - 05:47 AM A mother is taking her daughter around Parc Zoologique de Paris, when they come across an elephant on heat The little girl points to the enormous waving penis, "Mummy, what's that". "It's nothing dear". A Frenchman standing next to the and says, "Madame is bláse" Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 09 May 15 - 05:57 AM This - from melodion player Bob Cann of Devon. A6 THE LION TAMER Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm. So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards. But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again." So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?" He says "I'm come in to sign on." "Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?" "Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer." The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job." Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell. And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me." "Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do." Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee." "Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..." "Oh yes," he said. "Well," he said, "what do I do then?" Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion." "Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?" "Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee." "Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?" "Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face." "Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?" He said, "There will be." |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Joe_F Date: 09 May 15 - 07:45 PM So also: When Napoleon invaded Russia, he wore a red shirt, so that in case he was wounded, his men wouldn't notice. When Hitler invaded Russia, he wore brown pants. |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 10 May 15 - 09:07 AM Bound to upset somebody: A trainee priest decides to have a taste of the world so he goes into Soho and finds a woman. Back in her flat they undress, but when she sees how well he's endowed, she backs off - sorry father, that'll put me out of business for a few weeks". "I understand" he says, and leaves. He picks up another woman and the same thing happens, "Sorry - couldn't manage that". Eventually he finds another willing woman and when they get back to her room he says, "would you mind if we turned the light off first?" "No problem father, I understand, you being a priest and all that". They get into bed, and she says, "You know, when I saw you were a priest I thought you were going to give me a lecture on JAY-SUS Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: MGM·Lion Date: 10 May 15 - 01:45 PM "How much?" said the young man "£250," replied the woman on the corner. "I'll make it £500 if you'll do it my way." "No, sorry; but I don't go in for that sort of stuff. Try one of the other girls." Then, overcome with curiosity: "Anyhow, what is your way?" "One pound down and twenty-five pence a week." ≈M≈ |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 10 May 15 - 06:34 PM Kids in Church A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about 'Verge n' Mary.'" - - - After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." - - - I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail...." - - - A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 10 May 15 - 06:36 PM Kids in Church A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about 'Verge n' Mary.'" - - - After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." - - - I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail...." - - - A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Joe_F Date: 10 May 15 - 08:37 PM An Australian sailor was ashore in San Francisco, and he soon happened on a lady who met his advances more than half way. When they reached her lodgings, she went to powder her nose, and when she came back she found that her customer had piled all the furniture in one corner of the room. "What did you do that for?" she asked. Said he, "Well, I'm from outback and I don't know much about this woman business, but if it's anything like kangaroos, we'll need all the room we can get." |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 May 15 - 08:48 PM "A wife", uncle Dave? Heheh... |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 11 May 15 - 02:52 AM Young Australian man gets a job shearing sheep miles from the nearest town - he gets on fine except for the lack of female company After a while he begins to ask around - "what do you do for women around here?" and receives the same the same answer, "No women, here's only the sheep". He dismisses the idea, but eventually comes around to it out of desperation, and asks how he goes about it. They explain that he just climbs into the pen, picks the one that takes his fancy and does "what a man's gotta do". "but won't everyone laugh at me?" "Nah - how do you think the rest of us manage?" So one evening after work, he showers, spruces himself up goes out, picks a sheep and gets down to the job in hand. Half way through, he turns to see all his mates lined up along the fence doubled up with laughter - he is furious. "There", he said, I knew you'd laugh at me; I thought you said you all did it". "We do, but why did you have to pick the ugliest one?" Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 11 May 15 - 03:33 AM Similar theme A small, tatty circus touring the small villages and towns of the West Country relies as its main feature, a magnificent gorilla - people flock for miles around to see him parade around the enclosure, beat his chest, roar and display his manliness. One morning they go to feed him, only to find him sitting in the corner of the cage, head down and refusing to take his food. The manager panics - "What are we going to do - we have little else to draw the crowds in - a few sad clowns and a couple of clumsy acrobats - we're in real trouble" So they call in the vet who tells them, "I can't find anything wrong, he seems in the best of health. I would suggest that he is just missing female company". So after some thought, they set off for the nearest town, purchase a female gorilla suit and look around for somebody prepared to put it on, and climb in the cage with the patient. Eventually they find a man so down on his luck and not caring what he would do to earn it - they take him back to the site and explain what he has to do - they tell him that, despite his apparent fierceness, he is in fact, a very gentle creature "But just in case things get out of hand, we'll have six of our strongest men standing by to prevent him from harming you". Fine, he is introduced to 'your man' - he takes a closer look and says, "O.K, but he's very ugly - how am I going to get in the mood?". "We'll tell you what, we'll put a mask on to make him look more attractive. Into the cage, the gorilla tentatively shambles over and sniffs, sits down next to him (David Attenborough style) and begins to stroke and fondle the man. Things begin to warm up until suddenly the man leaps back and starts screaming, "Take it off, take it off!!" The six bouncers leap into the cage and start to drag off the gorilla. "No, no" says the man, "take the mask off - I want to kiss it". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Jim Carroll Date: 11 May 15 - 03:01 PM A South Wales miners story from the 1950s. Three retired Welsh miners sitting on park bench discussing how they would like to end their days, The youngest of the trio, a mere 70 years old, said, "well, I've been watching these young fellers driving around in fast cars and I think I'd choose to get into one, drive through the village at 50 - 60 - 70 miles per hour, right through and out the other side, off the road and into a tree - that's the way I'd like to go". The second, aged 75, thought a minute and finally said, "Well, I've been reading about these here Sputniks - I think that's how I'd like to finish my days; up into the air, one hundred miles, two hundred, three hundred, then up among the stars - that's where I'd like to end it all". THere was total silence for a few minutes, then one of them torned to the eldest, just coming up to 90, "You're very quiet David; how would you like to go?" "Well boys", he said, I have to say I'm very disappointed with your lack of ambition". "What do you mean - how would you like to end your days?" "I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015 From: Musket Date: 12 May 15 - 05:39 AM 100 |
