Lyr Add: I found an old stocking

Subject: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: Ged Fox
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 07:14 AM

I learnt this song from someone who was there in the early seventies. He sang it the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"

I've not seen this version elsewhere, (except that I printed it in a song collection in 1991,) although there is a similar version in a "Down in the Valley" thread.


I found an old stocking and filled it with lead
I hit an old lady right over the head.

A policeman approached me and asked me my name
I gave him the answer with a bicycle chain

The judge said "Sit down, boy, and dry up your tears;
You're going to Borstal for forty-five years."

My mother was crying, my sister was too;
My old man was laughing and so were the screws.

There were bars on the windows and bars on the doors,
And just to be awkward, there were bars on the floors.

I counted the moonbeams, I counted the stars;
I counted ten thousand Borstal bars.

Come home and behave now, my old man said.
So I found an old stocking, and filled it with lead.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,Desi C
Date: 23 Jan 11 - 08:09 AM

More a parody of the Irish song 21 Years I feel, which lent it's tune to On Top Of old Smokey. Very funny I'll learn this version

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Mar 11 - 10:20 PM

Love it, my mum used to sing that to me and my siblings but it was a little different.

I had an old stocking, I filled it with lead,
I hit an old lady, right over the head.

Along came a copper, and he asked me my name,
so I gave him the answer, With a bicycle chain.

The Judge said "stand up, Son, and dry up your tears,
you're going to bostal, six month to a year."

There's bars on the ceiling, there's bars on the door,
there's bars on the piss pot, and it's nailed to the floor.

I counted the moonbeams, and I counted the stars,
I counted four thousand, of those bostal bars.

If I was the Jailer, and the jailer was me,
I'd wake up one morning, and set myself free.

But I'm not the jailer, and the jailer he ain't me,
so I can't wait one mornin', to set myself free.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 02:06 PM

I found an old stocking And filled it with lead.
I hit an old lady, right over the head.

Along came a copper, and asked me my name.
I gave him the answer, With a bicycle chain.

The Judge said "sit down, boy, and dry up your tears.
you're going to borstal, for 2 or 3 years."

My mother was crying; my father dropped dead.
My little kid brother shot the judge in the head.

There's bars on the windows; there's bars on the doors,
And just for precaution, there's bars on the floors.

I counted the moonbeams; I counted the stars.
I counted four thousand, of those borstal bars.

If I was the Jailer, and the jailer was me,
I'd open those doors and set myself free.

But I'm not the jailer, and the jailer ain't me,
so I just count those bars until I'm set free.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jan 12 - 04:50 PM

The version I used to sing was;

I found an old stocking, I filled it with lead
I hit an old lady right over the head.

Along came a copper and asked me my name
I told him ploitley with a bycycle chain.

I judge said sit down boy and wipe up your tears
Your going to borstal for the term of three years.

My mother was crying mysister was too
My father was laughing and so was the screw.

I counted the moonbeams I counted the stars
I counted ten thousand behind borstal bars.

I dreamt I was warden and the warden was me
I iopened my cell door and set myself free.

But I'm not the warden and the wardens not me
so here I stay for my term of three.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Aug 12 - 04:08 PM

I found an old stocking
I filled it with lead
I hit an old lady
Right over the head

Up came a copper
And asked me my name
I gave him my answer
With a motor bike chain

Get up off your knees son
Wipe away your tears
Coz your going to borstal
For a term of 4 years

My mother she fainted
My sister droped dead
My stupid f***ing brother
Shoot the judge through the head

Ive counted the moonbeams
Ive counted the stars
Ive counted 4 million
Through these f***ing bars

There are bars on the windows
There are bars on the doors
There are bars on the piss pot
And its nailed to the floor

If I was the jailer
And the jailer was me
I'd open this borstal
And set us all free

But Im not the jailer
And the jailer aint me
So it looks like im counting
Till Im f***ing free

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,racnipeels
Date: 17 Sep 12 - 04:43 AM

I found a old handbag
and filled it with lead
I hit a old lady
Right over the head

Along came a copper
and asked me my name
I have him the answer
With a bicycle chain

The judge said sit down boy
and dry up you're tears
You're going to Borstal
for two to three years

I counted the moombeams
I counted the stars
I counted ten thousand
Of those prison bars

If i was the warden
and the warden was me
I'd wake up one morning
and set myself free

But im not the warden
and the wardens not me
so i must remain here
at my Liberty

A few different versions sung at Crystal Palace from 70s to present.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Jun 14 - 08:08 AM

My older cousin sang it to us when she babysat!

I found an old stocking and filled it with lead.
I hit an old lady, right over the head.

A copper came over and asked me my name.
I replied nicely, with a bicycle chain.

The judge said sit down son and wipe away your tears
'cause you're going to borstal for 2 or 3 years.

My mother she fainted, my sister she fell
As they led me down the steps, to the cell they call hell.

There's bars on the windows, there's bars on the doors.
Even the piss pots are screwed to the floors.

I counted the moonbeams, I counted the stars.
I counted 10,000, behind borstal bars.

So kiss me my darling and say you'll be mine.
'cause 3 years in borstal is a fucking long time.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,Alex
Date: 18 Jul 14 - 06:21 PM

I always heard it as:

I found an old stocking and I filled it with lead
I slung it right over some old woman's head

Along came a copper and asked me my name
I gave him my answer with a bicycle chain

The judge said stand up, boy, and dry off your years
You're going to borstal for twenty odd years

My father he fainted; my mother dropped dead
My little brother shot the judge In the head.

We went to his funeral; we went to his grave
Some people threw flowers but we threw grenades.

Now I've counted the moonbeams; I've counted the stars
I've counted fucking five thousand behind these prison bars

Now if I were the jailer and the jailer was me
I'd open this prison and set myself free

But I'm not the jailer and the jailer's not me
So I can't open this prison and set myself free!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 19 Jul 14 - 11:44 AM

What's funny about hitting an old woman? About attacking a man with a chain - no doubt across the eyes?

If these victims were your mother, your brother or neighbor, you'd be furious.

This song belongs in the great Garbage Can of Songs Tacitly Agreed to be Forgotten.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: Rumncoke
Date: 19 Jul 14 - 06:32 PM

The version I recall seems to be to a different tune, but runs along similar lines - it begins

If I was a young man how angry I'd be
I'd make all the newspapers write about me

I'd find an old stocking and fill it with lead
And I'd bash an old lady on top of the head

If I was a young man I'd live a bad life
I'd wear narrow trousers and carry a knife

Which seems to date from the fifties and the teddy boy era. There are several songs I know which are about crime and punishment - She loved a Portuguese for instance. The whole point is that they aren't about getting away with it - they are about the punishment to be expected when crimes are committed.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,nwtnsrbbt.
Date: 23 Jul 14 - 06:54 PM

The term of punishment meted out in those days was "going to borstal for 6(months) to 2 years"as 6 moths was the shortest time and the usual maximum was 2 years.
As max boyce would say: I know; 'cos I was there.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Oct 14 - 07:12 PM

The judge said: "Sit up, boy, and dry off your tears.
You're sentenced to Corrigan for twenty-one years."

So look down that railroad as far as you can see,
And keep right on waving farewell to me.

I've counted the lights, dear; I've counted the stars.
I've counted the nights, dear, and these cold prison bars.

Every night I sleep, dear, not much of a bed.
Every morn I wake, dear; I wish I was dead.

You know who's guilty; you know it well,
I'll die in this jailhouse before I will tell.

So go tell the gov'nor your sweet soul,
If you can't get a pardon, try and get a parole.

So all you young fellas so brave and so true,
Don't trust no woman, no matter what you do.

Don't trust no woman, no matter what kind.
You'll be in the jailhouse; you'll be doing time.

Oh Lord, honey dear, I love you true.

For twenty-one years - is a mighty long time.

Oh, yes it is - I love you true. Oh, Lord. (yodelling)

Buckey Jones / Douglas Massachusetts / 12 string Yamaha J guitar 1980.
And no teeth - sung at the Goodness Store / Rte 16 / Douglas Mass.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Nov 14 - 02:38 PM

I found an old stocking and filled it with lead
I hit an old lady right over the head

A copper came to me and asked me my name
I gave him the answer with a bicycle chain

The judge said don't cry boy and wipe down your tears
You're going to borstal for a term of two years

My mother was crying my sister was too
My father was laughing and so was the screw

There's bars on the windows and bars on the doors
There's bars on the ceiling and bars on the floors

I counted the moonbeams I counted the stars
I counted ten thousand of those prison bars

If I was the jailer and the jailer was me
I'd open the doors now and set myself free

But I'm not the jailer and the jailer's not me
So I'm counting theses bars now till they set me free

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST, Eggo
Date: 22 Feb 17 - 06:01 PM

My version was from Everthorpe 1965 in St Andrews

The judge said step down, boy, and dry up your tears
you're going to Borstal for a term of two years

so kiss me, my darling, and say you'll be mine
for two years in Borstal is a mighty long time

there's bars on the windows there's bars on the door's
make sure the piss pot is polished some more

I've done 12 months now I've 12 more to do
they put me on chokey for slapping a screw

the screws did not like it that I could see
They came after lights out and kicked the shit out of me

I'm a yellow tie discharge so I don't say a word
So on my last morning I shout "JUST DO YOUR BIRD"

From one who was there!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,Wity
Date: 22 Jun 17 - 06:52 PM

Bloody hell I,ve been singing this song usually when driving alone for 40 odd years and have only just thought to Google it for the words
We wolves fans used to sing it but never got past the going yo borstal for 2 effin years as the Doog would have scored by then.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,I found a old stocking I filled it with led
Date: 29 Jun 17 - 06:23 PM

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: BobL
Date: 30 Jun 17 - 02:28 AM

Rumncoke's recollection is of Sidney Carter's "Mixed-up Old Man".

To address Leeniea's point, albeit belatedly, there's no end of comic songs about things that in real life are not funny in the least - unwanted pregnancies, alcohol abuse, industrial accidents, marital infidelity. But people seem happy to laugh at the imaginary misfortunes of a fictional person invented purely for that purpose.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Sep 18 - 04:43 AM

The judge said step down boy and dry up your tears
you're going to Borstal for a term of two years
so kiss me my darling and say you'll be mine
for two years in Borstal is a mighty long time
there's bars on the windows there's bars on the door's
make sure the piss pot is polished some more
I've done 12 months now I've 12 more to do
they put me on chokey for slapping a   
the screw's did not like it that I could see
They came after lights out and kicked the shit out of me
I'm a yellow tie discharge so I don't say a word
So on my last morning I shout "JUST DO YOUR BIRD"
From one who was there!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,Tbob
Date: 11 Mar 21 - 07:51 PM

I found an old handbag.
I filled it with lead.
I hit an old woman
Right over the head.

The copper he stopped me
And asked me my name
I gave him the answer
With a bicycle chain

The judge said stand up dear
And dry off your tears
You re sentenced to mountjoy
For the term of 2 years

There's bars on the windows
There's bars on the door
And even your pisspot
Is nailed to the floor

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Aug 21 - 02:20 PM

How I remember it :-

I found an old stocking
And filled it with lead
And hit an old codger
Right over the head

The Policeman came running
And asked me my name
And I replied to him
With a Bicycle chain

The Judge said sit down son
And brush off your tears
You're going to Borstal
For a couple of years

My Mother was crying
My Sister was too
My Father was laughing
And so was the Screw

Theres bars on the windows
Theres bars on the doors
Theres bars on the toilet
Thats nailed to the floor

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Aug 23 - 07:32 PM

Sorry to Necro a subject,

I only ever knew the first verse, slightly different from the rest, of course.

I found an old stocking and filled it wi' lead,
I 'it an old lady right over the 'ead,
A policeman come runnin' an' asked me my name,
I gave 'im the answer with a public bog chain.

And, yes, that was sung to the tune of "Down in the Valley" . . .

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: Jack Horntip
Date: 03 Aug 23 - 01:45 PM

I had an old stocking,
I filled it with lead,
I knocked an old lady,
Right over the head.

A policeman came up to me,
And asked me my name,
I gave him the answer,
With a bicycle chain.

The judge said to me,
"Boy, wipe up those tears,"
..........................
..........................

My mother fainted,
My daddy dropped dead,
My little brother,
Shot the judge in the head.

Blood on the ceiling,
Blood on the floor,
Blood on the window,
And blood on the door.

Hampstead 1984

Printed versions cf. Ritchie, SS, p. 47; cf. Shaw, 1970, p. 53.

Other printed versions Turner, pp. 100-101.

Pg 430, Games, Rhymes, and Wordplay of London Children, by N. G. N. Kelsey, ?Janet E. Alton, and ?J. D. A. Widdowson. 2019.

See here: https://www.google.com/books/edition/Games_Rhymes_and_Wordplay_of_London_Chil/3HSKDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22I%20had%20an%20old%20stocking%22&pg=PA430&printsec=frontcover

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: I found an old stocking
From: GUEST,one who was there, (keith).
Date: 15 Dec 23 - 02:37 AM

i got an old stocking and filled it with lead, i hit an old codger right over the head a copper came running and asked me my name i gave him the answer with a bicycle chain, the judge said look here son dry up your tears your going to prison for more than 3 years, my mother she fainted my father dropped dead, my littlist brother shot the judge in the head. i counted the raindrops i counted the stars i counted ten thousand of those rusty bars, they had bars on the ceilings and bars on the walls, and just for precautions they had bars on the floors. if i was the jailer and the jailer was me, ild wake up in the morning and set myself free, but i aint the jailer and the jailer aint me, so ill wake up in the morning to a cold cup of tea, without sugar mind you?