BS: Should I leave or should I go?

Subject: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 04:30 PM

Note to those who have a seemingly pathological hatred of guests, get real, and in the meantime, don't bother reading any further. It won't interest you.

For the rest of you, here's the situation. I'm living with a woman who I love dearly, but day to day stuff isn't going well. We argue quite a bit, and at times I feel like just walking away.

In someways that would be easy, but it's not what I want. I think that we both want it to be 'how it used to be' but we seem to spend all our time argueing about why it isn't.

Both of us have our faults (obviously) but right now the problem (to me) is that she won't see that even 1% of the fault is hers. I spent my entire life 'doing wrong' and 'saying sorry'

But I still don't want to lose her.

Thanks for reading

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 04:42 PM

There's a sappy, greeting card saying that "Love is never having to say you're sorry." There's some truth to it.. From experience, I can tell you that if you find yourself saying, I'm sorry" a lot over an extended period of time, prepare to keep saying it for the rest of your life. When one person plays the "I'm sorry," "I was wrong" part and the other person never acknowledges doing anything wrong, it has nothing to do with love. It's all about control.

Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 04:45 PM

Flip a coin...

Heads, stay...

Tails, go...

And resign yourself to fate...

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: kendall
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 04:50 PM

Get some professional help.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 05:00 PM

That's a situation that many, if not most of us have experienced. First of all...things will NEVER be "how they used to be". Life moves on and things change. Nothing is like it used to be.

When I have experienced the kind of changes you're speaking of in a romance, it always did eventually lead to parting...although NOT necessarily on bad terms. There's always a degree of hurt, can't pretend there isn't, but you can part without hatred and blame...if you're willing to.

If the other person isn't willing to, then that's another matter altogether.

People make the mistake of thinking they "own" their lover (even if they don't admit it, that's how they feel inside). That's a BIG mistake, and it leads to some nasty situations.

When you've been brought up (as I was) to believe that romance is the absolute centrepiece of life...and the KEY to happiness...then you will probably feel somewhat desperate without it and VERY desperate at the prospect of losing it.

But if mutual giving is not there, it's already been lost.

And it is NOT the centrepiece of life. Healthy self-esteem, and the ability to LOVE in many ways both self and others (and life) is the centrepiece of life.

As long as you feel more unhappy without her than with her, you will probably try to hang on. When you hit the break-even point you will have a rough time knowing what to do. When you pass that point into feeling worse with her than without her, you'll leave...once you get past the mental block of how you think things "should" be...and accept how they actually ARE.

On the other hand, I may be wrong in your case...maybe you two are meant to be together. Maybe you're just going through a rouch spot.

Take a good look at it, and decide for yourself. But being the one who always takes the blame is not healthy, it's not fair, and it cannot work forever.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 05:02 PM

By the way, your thread title seems to have already answered your question! Was that a slip-up...or was it a sign?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 05:05 PM

If the way the thread is titled is any indication, then perhaps you've already answered your own question. If not, then there's lots of factors to consider, like how much time and effort you've invested into the relationship, and if that time and effort has any significance or bearing on your decision. Is it worth it to stay? Or should you cut your losses and leave? At least this is the way I would be thinking about it.

How badly do you not want to lose her? Badly enough to endure the way things are now for the rest of your life? Badly enough to forgive her for not being able to take some of the blame? Some people would be willing to tough it out this way; it depends on your temperament.

How about counselling? You and your significant other could air your differences in front of an impartial third party if money's not an issue. You and she may be able to come to some understanding with a little guidance from a trained professional.

Bottom line, there are many ways of slicing an orange. Each way will give you a different perspective. Sometimes taking no action at all is a solution. The situation itself will slowly inch toward some sort of equilibrium, and then one day your decision will have already been made for you...for better or worse. Best of luck to you and her.

P.S. If nothing else, be acutely aware of what's going on around you and how you feel about it from moment to moment. Make notes for posterity and future reference. It's precisely this kind of shit from which many good sad songs have been culled. Yours could someday wind up in the Digitrad database. How's that for optimistic spin?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: mg
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 05:40 PM

if you aren't married and don'thave children, I wouldn't even try. I would cut my losses and go. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Bert
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 05:51 PM

Maybe it's because you're just a sorry SOB. That's the way you appear to us, I shouldn't imagine you're any different at home.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Ebbie
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 06:07 PM

Both of us have our faults (obviously) but right now the problem (to me) is that she won't see that even 1% of the fault is hers. I spent my entire life 'doing wrong' and 'saying sorry' But I still don't want to lose her."

In my experience, not many times does a relationship shudder, right itself, and take a different path. (Part of the problem, no doubt, is the baggage that was created on the earlier path.) So, in all likelihood, the path you are on now is the path on which you two will remain.

As said above, are you willing to continue on as you are now? Put in the pro column that no relationship will ever be totally satisfying so maybe you perceive this relationship as being of sufficient satisfaction. There's an old country song that says something like 'With you I'm happy half the time, that's better than not being happy at all.'

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 06:14 PM

Then there's that other song "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?". Some relationships would work a whole lot better if people didn't live together fulltime.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Troll
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 06:17 PM

For once, I agree with Kendall.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Mudlark
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 06:24 PM

Lots of advice, as good as I've got to give. But if you aren't going to use this thread title for a song....I will!

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 06:33 PM

Bert, two words; fuck off

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 06:35 PM

I also agree with Kendall... Its very important that the councilor be an impartial witness... Complete nutrality is a must for authentic results. ttr

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: GUEST,John Gray in Oz
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 06:51 PM

Don't leave. Force the other party to leave by bringing home a new girlfriend. Then say to the original, 'Sorrryyy - but you've got to leave.'

JG/FME

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Thomas the Rhymer
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 07:03 PM

...and when she gets pissed off, get a restraining order, and throw her stuff into the street. Then, spread lies about her all over town to cover up what an asshole you really are!

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 07:04 PM

Talk to each other. Keep talking. There is very little that can't be resolved, either way, by talking. The more you keep to yourself the sharper the hurt feels. The more you slag him/her off to others the more convinced you become of your own infalibilty.

Be totally, utterly and COMPLETELY honest with yourself, be realistic and understanding with others.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 07:08 PM

Thanks Liz, wise advice.

We've a lot more talking to do, but our compasses (sp?) are pointing in roughly the same direction

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Amos
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 07:33 PM

If you're apologizing so that she will just shut up, it ain't gonna work, buddy.

If you're not talking enough, or honestly enough, so that you both arrive at some new understanding , then you are bound for entropy and the dissipation that it brings about in relationships.

Live and real communication is the sole safeguard you have against that. Strive to understand. Then strive in turn to be understood.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 08:32 PM

Good Times/Sad Song... by Jerry Rasmussen


"What can you do when the good times are gone?
Sit by the window and wait for the dawn
And you can't remember how things went so wrong, anymore
What does it matter, how much you tried
Or how many times you kept it inside
There's no more to say, and nothing to hide, anymore

   CHORUS: Nobody wants to hear a sad song
            We've all got troubles of our own
            Of our own

No use pretending this isn't the end
She tried to tell you, but you wouldn't bend
Now something's broken, that you'll never mend anymore
What will you say when they ask where she's gone?
How will you say, it was you that was wrong?   
And how will you face it when you can't go on, anymore?

   CHORUS:

That's what happens when you take all the blame on to yourself.

Don' do it..

Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: kendall
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 11:23 PM

Whenever you get into a difficult situation with another person, always ask yourself. "What is MY role in this"?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Bert
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 12:49 AM

Hee, hee. It worked.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 01:04 AM

What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you enjoy abuse? Is there a need to suffer?

When I was married, not a day went by that my wife did not find something that offended her. I stayed together with her for the sake of our son. The best day of the relationship was when I was served with a dose of reality in the form of divorce papers. She, my son and I are all happier now.

It's a lot cheaper to split before there are children involved.   If you are not married, if the apartment is in her name, if she does not have a gun to your head, leave and find a healthier relationship.

In another concept, I have said that there is no virtue in poverty, only misery. The same applies here.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 01:45 AM

You can't change somebody else, but sometimes if you get out of the way and give them room to do it they'll change themselves. My wife and I broke up three times before we decided we had beaten ourselves into submission. On the night of our final reconciliation I told her that we were either going to get married or never see each other again. We've been married for 14 years now.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 01:55 AM

BTW when I read the title of this thread I automatically heard Randy Travis' voice and a Telecaster equipped with a B-bender. There's a genuine kuntry song in there for sure. I ain't gonna write it though. Wrote enough of that kinda shit after getting dumped by my first wife.

Still Bruce, just like I was in the last post.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: Banjer
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 02:10 AM

What Bert said!!! Isn't this the same GUEST that always complains about too many BS threads?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I leave or should I go?
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Nov 02 - 11:24 AM

No