BS: Joke thread for 2025

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jun 25 - 08:41 AM

Marvin the magician was bitten by his rental snake and suffered a reptile dysfunction.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Jun 25 - 09:29 AM

Damn you Gilly! :-D

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 29 Jun 25 - 03:14 PM

Drinking To Excess by Al Coholic

Empty Glass by Phil Ettup

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 29 Jun 25 - 05:46 PM

Eating Disorders by Anna Recksia

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jul 25 - 05:52 AM

From Ken Dodd c 1969 - Russian Strip Tease artist -

Eza Vestoff.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jul 25 - 06:01 AM

Tiger's Revenge by Claude Ballz.
Masectomies by Vladimir Nibblatitsov.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jul 25 - 07:16 AM

Don, the second entry in your last post was crude, tasteless and the opposite of funny.
Btw, weren't you banned from posting in this thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jul 25 - 01:39 PM

Rescuing frozen cattle by Thora Hird.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jul 25 - 04:05 PM

While not banned, to gilymor's delight, I was gelded by chainsaw, acid attacked, dehumanized, defamed, and drawn and quartered. All posts are now done by AI.
Long live Dave Chappel.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jul 25 - 04:21 AM

Yes, Don, you were told by a moderator not to post to this thread any longer, for obvious reasons. I remember it well because you threw such a hissy fit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 03 Jul 25 - 06:47 AM

Get Rid Of Your Possessions by Lester Worriebout

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jul 25 - 07:06 AM

don't look

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jul 25 - 01:46 PM

I didn't Donuel!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jul 25 - 03:14 PM

good on you mate.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Maryland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Jul 25 - 07:51 AM

In the same vein - one from Steve :-)

A chap is chatting to his butcher when a large dog comes into the shop with a bag round its neck.

"Good morning Fido," sez the butcher. "And how many steaks is it today?"

"Woof woof!"

So the butcher puts two steaks into the dog's bag.

"And how many pork chops?"

"Woof woof woof woof!"

So into the bag go four chops.

"And how many pounds of mince?"

"Woof woof woof!"

In go the three pounds of mince. The butcher takes a twenty pound note out of the side pocket of the bag and puts some small change back in. Off trots the dog on its way home. The chap is so impressed that he decides to follow the dog home to see what happens next.

When the dog arrives at its house, it barks like mad and scratches at the front door. A woman opens the door and in goes the dog. The chap sez to her, "Excuse me, but I just have to say that you have a remarkably clever dog there..."

"Huh, he's not as clever as you think," sez she. "That's the third time this week that he's forgotten his key..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Jul 25 - 10:12 AM

Why doesn't a pterodactyl make any noise when it urinates?

The “p” is silent.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 06 Jul 25 - 11:31 AM

Ach, gillymor: That reminds me of the time (which I'm sure I must have mentioned before) when we took Socrates and Ptolemy to the vet's for the first time. The receptionist read the card, and was saying "Socrates, and .... I don't know how to pronounce this ....", and I missed the opportunity of a lifetime to say "the P is silent, as in 'bath'".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 06 Jul 25 - 12:41 PM

Fading Away by Peter Innout

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Jul 25 - 01:14 PM

And you always have to watch for the silent P in Wranglers...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jul 25 - 09:07 AM

A young lady went to a tattoo parlour and asked for a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh.. She takes off her trousers and panties and the tattooist does one which she is not happy with so he does one of her other inner thigh but she is still not happy. He gets a bit exasperated and says that he will get a lady off the street to look at them and if she doesn't recognise who it is she can have them for free. He brings a lady in and asks her if she recognises the tattooed faces. She said. 'Well I don't recognise the twins but the one in the middle is Trump!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jul 25 - 10:11 AM

A 96-year-old man is sitting alone in the corner in a pub enjoying his pint. But two little old ladies on the other side of the bar have spotted him and they keep on talking and pointing to him.

Eventually, one of them goes over to the man and she says, "Excuse me, but we think we know you. Weren't you part of a strong man act sometime ago?"

The old man says, "Well yes I was. But that was an awful long time ago, at least 60 years!"

The old woman said to him, "I seem to remember as part of your act in those days you could bend an iron bar over your willy! Can you still do that trick?"

So he said to her,"Well, I can't do that anymore because my wrists have gone.-...

***

Dunno about that bloke but I am getting stronger as I get older. When I was 27 I couldn't bend my willy. Now, at 72, I find it easy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 09 Jul 25 - 10:22 AM

"I'm sorry miss, I can't allow you to come in here topless"

"But I have a perfect right"

"Your left isn't bad either, but your still nor coming in."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Jul 25 - 05:46 AM

Trump had his periodic colonoscopy last week, they didn't find anything but his head.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 13 Jul 25 - 09:54 AM

Goodbye Cruel World by Sue Acide

Harassment by Percy Kuwshiun

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 13 Jul 25 - 10:21 AM

The lawyer said, “Your honour, he was a drunk as a judge”

The judge said “You mean as drunk as a lord?”

The lawyer said “Yes, sorry m’ Lord”

Just then a man wearing a top coat, cap, and scarf came into the courtroom and ran around all the females present feeling their breasts.

The next day the newspaper said “At the lawyers comment, a muffled titter ran around the courtroom”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Jul 25 - 10:56 AM

Found this, once I'd waded through the small ads in The Compleat Ankh-Morpork City Guide, and discovered the Clubs and Societies section:

The Ankh-Morport Recovering Accordion Players' Society

To lie in thrall to the muse of music can be a curse to the few as it is to the many, and the stress of playing the accordion to a chorus of "bloody well stop playing that damn thing" does take its toll after a while. Sufferers are understood and welcomed, and in some cases, with help, are encouraged to learn the banjo, thus rehabilitating them into society. Donations are always welcome.

No harmonica or squeeze-box players admitted.

The nearby panel advertisement shows a chap sat on a chair playing a piano-accordion, with a notice on the wall behind him saying DO NOT DISTURB. At his side is a woman sitting arms folded, with a facial expression best described as "seriously dischuffed, but determined to not explode .... yet".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jul 25 - 06:08 AM

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, but set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 15 Jul 25 - 08:23 AM

I asked my wife if she'd still love me if I was old and overweight.
She replied "Yes, I Do".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 15 Jul 25 - 02:30 PM

Breaking The Law by Kermit A. Krime

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 15 Jul 25 - 02:53 PM

Grave Mistakes by Paul Bearer

Military Rules by Marshall Law

Funny B*stards by Joe Kerr

Get Out There by Sally Forth

My Lost Causes by Noah Veil

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 08:58 AM

Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 09:47 AM

Patient: I'm a little nervous, doctor. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Mine too.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 11:34 AM

Animal Illnesses by Ann Thrax

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 11:38 AM

Mexican Revenge by Monte Zuma

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 12:26 PM

Pampering by Molly Coddle

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 12:30 PM

Looking Younger by Fay Slift

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 12:34 PM

The Nudist Camp by Seymour Butts

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 02:25 PM

One for musicians:

More Of A Lute Than A Guitar by Amanda Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 03:41 PM

From an old-fashioned squareish Volvo from the early 90s and obviously still going strong.

"I do not identify as a Polestar!

&

"If it leaks oil, it has got oil"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Raggytash
Date: 16 Jul 25 - 07:20 PM

Mr Red, could you please elucidate, I haven't a clue what you are on about!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Jul 25 - 05:24 AM

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 17 Jul 25 - 07:29 AM

Mapping Your Country by Sir Veigh

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 17 Jul 25 - 07:38 AM

Leather Preparation by Tanya Hyde

Life Before Cars by Orson Buggy

Helping Hand by Abel N. Willin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 25 - 07:38 AM

Pete Hegseth just installed a new alternative fax machine.

The problem with Trump jokes is that Republicans don't think they are funny, and Democrats don't think they are jokes.

What did the new weather service say when asked how to respond to Hurricane Sally?
“Pay her less than Stormy Daniels!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Jul 25 - 06:33 AM

The problem with CEOs is that the 90% who are crooked give the rest a bad name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:19 AM

A chain of comments a historical article in The Register on the Smoot (a unit of length .... ach, read the article):

the thickness of screw threads was not fully standardized in the US

The thickness of heads is still not fully standardized in the US. The ANSI standard blockhead remains unaccredited not being able to arrive at consensus.

It's just a matter of calibrating the unit, the millitrump.

I thought the millitrump was a measure of mushrooms?

:)

mushrooms? or beans?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:27 AM

Is there a joke in there somewhere?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:35 AM

I thought there was, but there was a puff of wind, and ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:40 AM

Perhaps we need a thread named something like "Things I Find Humorous", it might help keep the joke stream running clear. I won't start it but I'd probably contribute to it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jul 25 - 04:57 PM

That's the spirit. You tend to your stream and we'll tend to ours.
Crossing the streams is not as dangerous as first feared.
“Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on our back.”
“Yep. Now, switch me on."