BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 08:00 AM

When I was a kid there was a TV cartoon called Care Bears.
“Them little teddy bears would lock arms and stare at a problem, and — I’m not even bullshitting — actual love would shoot out of their chests, and would dispel anything that was fucked up. And when we grew up, we wanted to be like those bears. And then we got our hearts broken, because we found out that life wasn’t going to let us do that, and it was impossible to shoot love out of your chest. However … I have shot love onto somebody’s chest before.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 08:12 AM

Is this a porn site now?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 08:16 AM

Is it possible to jettison the last 3 posts?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 10:09 AM

My ex wife once said...'Darling, tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'. I said 'That's brilliant but you can do your own packing'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 11:04 AM

> Is it possible to jettison the last 3 posts?

There used to be a special thread for that sort of thing iirc ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 11:16 AM

Don's "joke" qualifies for a crude and unfunny thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 02:22 PM

A couple were making mad passionate love in his house when a text arrived on his phone. He had a quick look at it and put the phone back down, starting to carry on where he'd left off.

"What was it?" asked his girlfriend.

"Oh, nothing important. Just my wife telling me she was in the cinema with you."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 03:02 PM

This thread is not limited to clean jokes, I hope...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 03:09 PM

I like a bit of bawdiness myself but attempted jokes about spewing on someone's chest crosses over into humorless smut, IMO.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Mar 24 - 03:08 AM

Not at all Mrrzy but I think it should be limited to actual jokes!

Bloke walked into a pub and was amazed to see some men - and one dog - sitting at a table playing poker.  

Sez he to the barman, "That's one hell of a clever dog you've got there, playing poker?"

"Hmm, he's not as clever as you think," replied the barman. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Mar 24 - 07:15 AM

My ex wife had much of what a man could want..... Hairy legs, hairy chest, beard.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Mar 24 - 06:08 PM

Bloke got a job as a bus driver, to start on Monday morning at 9 prompt.

At 9.30 on the Monday in the depot, the bus inspector saw the bloke sitting at the wheel but not moving. "What's going on here? You were due to leave at 9!"

"I can't go yet - the bus conductor hasn't turned up..."

"'Bus conductor'? Good heavens, man, we did away with those decades ago! These days, you have to collect the fares yourself!"

So off he went. Four hours later, the bus, now two hours late, hadn't returned. The inspector got in his car and drove round the route and, to his horror, came upon the bus on its side in the village pond, the driver sitting on the grass in tears.

"What's happened here?" asked the inspector.

"I can't understand it, sir. I went upstairs to collect the fares and the next thing I knew the bus had crashed into the water!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Mar 24 - 10:00 AM

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. Not screaming in fear like 27 passengers on the bus he was driving :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Mar 24 - 05:22 PM

Here's one from the recycle bin-

Why does Irish bean soup only have 239 beans?

Because if it had one more it would be too farty.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Mar 24 - 06:00 PM

Guy picks up a girl at the nightclub. She invites him back to her place but warns him that they’d have to be really quiet because Mum and Dad would be sleeping in the next room.

They sneak up to her room and start to get undressed. Before they get completely naked though, the bloke announces that he needs the toilet.

“You can’t use the toilet up here,” said the girl, “The flush will wake my parents. You'll have to go downstairs and use the kitchen sink.”

So he sneaks downstairs and comes back 5 minutes later, “Have you got any toilet paper?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:25 AM

Apologies to the denizens of one of my favorite states for this one-

The network passed on CSI: West Virginia. It would have too difficult for the investigators because there were no dental records and the DNA was all the same.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:26 AM

These pee poop and fart jokes are the best these jokers can do.
I suspect a second childhood is their problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:30 AM

Ouchee!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:52 AM

lost puppy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 08:02 AM

Butt jokes, tsk, tsk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 08:25 AM

Jokers is the operative term, Don. Try telling a joke yourself for a change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 08:32 AM

No pee, poop or fart was harmed in the following joke...

A woman had just got out of the shower and her husband had just got in it when the doorbell rang. She hurriedly wrapped the bath towel round and went down to answer the door. It was Bob, their next-door neighbour.

"Cor, look at you!" said Bob. "Fifty quid if you drop that towel!"

She obliged, and Bob handed over the fifty quid.

"Who was that at the door?" her husband called down.

"Oh, only Bob," she replied.

"Ah. Did he say anything about the fifty quid he owes me?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 04:18 PM

Was Bob her uncle?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 05:50 PM

She is now anti Bob;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 06:02 PM

Taste in jokes is as varied as taste in art.
I'm for liberty in humor even if its a fart.

A good fart could have saved that lost puppy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 05:38 AM

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 03:35 PM

Same as me! :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 04:46 PM

Dave, don't forget some of your other namesakes- Jack the Ripper, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 05:14 PM

LOL :-D

They are all my cousins! You forgot Jude the Obscure but he was probably well hidden...

Bloke said to his wife, "Hey, the postman has just told me that he's shagged every woman in our street except one!"

"Huh," she replied, "I bet it's that stuck-up bitch at number 12..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Mar 24 - 02:14 PM

A woman got molested by a masked man at the tennis club, but can escape. Before she fled, she was able to make a photo with her smart phone of his "best" piece.

Police is called, and they try to find out who the man was.

So they ask the people present.

They start with two women who were close to the "place of action"

First woman they show the picture says: it's not my husband.

Second woman says: it's none of the club members ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Mar 24 - 11:01 AM

Nice one Mudguard :-D

A bloke is doing a bit of clearing out in the house when he comes across a shoebox in a cupboard. He opens it, and inside it he finds three eggs and two thousand quid.

"Look what I've just found," he says to the missus. "Any idea what it's all about?"

"Oh dear," she replies with a tear in her eye, "the thing is that every time I've been unfaithful to you I've put an egg in the box..."

"Oh well," he thought to himself, "just three times in fifty years of marriage...I suppose I can forgive that..."

Turning to his wife, he asks what all that money was doing in the shoebox.

"Well," she says, "every time I reach a dozen eggs I sell 'em..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MudGuard
Date: 11 Mar 24 - 04:56 PM

I could have continued with third woman and town, fourth/county, fifth/country, sixth/continent, seventh/planet, eighth/solar system, ninth/milky way ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 10:14 AM

This one's a bit off color (pun intended)-

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Mar 24 - 08:51 AM

It got so cold in Maine that the nudist camp put out a sign, "We are open but we are clothed".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 24 - 02:00 PM

A vegan said to his wife, "People who sell meat are gross."

She replied, "People who sell fruit and veg are grocer..."

...

A pilot and his co-pilot were nearing the end of a rather wearisome long-haul flight and were relaxing with a bit of laddish banter. The pilot said, "What I really fancy right now is a good hard shag and a cup of coffee."

Unfortunately, he hadn't realised that he'd left on the intercom, so the passengers in the cabin had heard every word. The female flight attendant, who was at the rear of the cabin, realising what had happened, dashed up the cabin towards the cockpit door, hoping to tell the pilot to switch off the mic and limit further damage.

As she was about to reach the cockpit, a passenger called out to her, "Don't forget his coffee, darling!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Mar 24 - 10:16 PM

"What is 5Q + 5Q?"
"10Q."
"You're velcome."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Mar 24 - 04:47 PM

Are you a pole vaulter?

No, I am Dutch and how did you know my name was Valter?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 03:46 AM

Everything's big in Texas joke
One of my personal favorites.

A man walk into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the food bar and orders a hamburger. The hamburger is the biggest burger he's ever seen. "Why is this so huge?" the man asks. The bartender says, "Well everything is big in Texas." Then the man orders a beer, and this too is very large. "Man why is that so big, I'll never be able to finish it." "Well I told you, everything's big in Texas." The man eats his food and finishes off the beer, gets drunk, and has to use the bathroom. "Sir, where are the bathrooms?" "Down the hall and to the left." So the man goes toward the bathroom and forgets which way the bartender said, and goes to the door on the right instead. He walks in, falls into the pool and starts screaming, "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 03:53 AM

The last one's not bad Dick but the politics before it belong on the Trump thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 04:24 AM

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)
He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got here?”

The man sighed, “I was eating a delicious burrito when I choked. No one was with me and I suffocated.”

“Killed by a burrito!” The Devil roared, flipping his desk, “What an unjust way to go. Did you at least go out eating a super sized one?!”

“No, just a regular size.” The man replied sadly, hanging his head in shame.

“This is even worse!” The Devil cried.

“What can you do about it?” The man replied sadly.

The Devil thought for a moment, before stating, “I will send you back. I’m not having you end your life on a sacred Mexican dish. Go back to Earth and continue your delightful life! Eat more Mexican until the toilet bowl quivers at your approach.”

With a clap of his hands the Devil sent the man back to Earth.

After a few minutes another person appeared, this time a woman. She looked at the Devil and sighed.

“Damn,” she said.

“What happened my dear?” The Devil replied, offering her a glass of sparkling water.

“I was trying to be environmentally conscious with a metal straw instead of plastic.”

“Good for you!” The Devil nodded, “We have just recently pledged to go 100% renewable in Hell. Slave labour is an underrated renewable asset you know.”

The woman gave a reluctant nod in agreement.

“Sorry to interrupt,” the Devil said, “continue please”

“Well,” the woman said, “I was walking with my drink when I slipped. I fell forwards and the metal straw landed up and skewered me straight through my eyeball and brain.”

The Devil promptly threw up.

“My golly goodness,” the Devil groaned, wiping vomit off his chest, “this is a travesty. Helping the planet and you get turned into a human kebab.”

The Devil stroked his horns, thinking.

“I’m feeling good today,” he said, “You my dear can go back to your life!”

The woman cheered in joy, showering the Devil with praise.

“Oh stop it you,” the Devil said cheekily, “just promise you’ll stick to plastic straws. Screw the turtles and save your eyes.”

He clapped his hands and the woman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

A few minutes passed before a third person appeared.

He was different from the others. It was his eyes, they were lifeless, as if all the soul had been sucked from them.

“Hello my friend,” the Devil said cheerfully, offering him some bread sticks.

The man stood gloomily, accepting the food.

“How did you get here?” The Devil asked, eager for some conversation.

“I was at my computer working,” the man said, “I’d been working for endless hours doing a thankless job. I stood up and tripped over a power cord. I must have fallen badly and broken my neck because here I am.”

The Devil threw his hands in the air, “This will not do! You were simply pouring your heart and soul doing your job and died in the process.”

The man shrugged.

The Devil summoned a cup of tea from one of his minions to calm his emotions.

The Devil smiled, sipping his tea, “My friend, I am feeling generous today. I am going to send you back to your life! What do you say to that!”

The man looked around at the swirling pools of lava behind the Devil. The sound of wailing souls echoed around abyss.

“I think I’ll stay in Hell,” the man replied.

The Devil spat out his tea.

“I’m sorry what?” The Devil, wiping his mouth.

“I’d like to stay,” the man repeated.

The Devil was still dumbfounded, before he finally managed to recompose himself.

“Fine mortal, continue down the path to get your orientation pack from the information kiosk. Be up early tomorrow for lava swimming at 7am and then at lunch we’re streaming the final season of Game of Thrones.”

The man nodded and went to walk past the Devil.

“I’m sorry, I have to know,” the Devil said, holding up his hand, “What ridiculous job did you have that makes you want to stay here?”

The person looked up at the Devil, his eyes empty and replied,

“I was a moderator”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 04:26 AM

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?
false

Because they have no rights.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 04:57 AM

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this Texan guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer
I asked him, "Do you have a gun"

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Texan?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you big prick

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 05:01 AM

Why do TEXAS women remain celibate,The guys fixing potholes have completely disappeared

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 07:43 AM

Golfer 1: I was on the 12th tee yesterday and I hooked the ball onto the highway right through the window of a school bus which swerved into a ditch and burst into flames.

Golfer 2: What did you do then?

Golfer 1: I opened my stance and weakened my grip.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 01:22 PM

When Dick can't get his way and mess up threads he gets petty. Sad to say, here, Sandman is the joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 04:01 AM

A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Catholics had the best solution. They baptized and confirmed the squirrels. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 01:53 PM

When my ex wife ran off with my best friend, I was totally devastated....I really missed him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 05:40 PM

Q: How was the Roman Empire divided?

A: By a pair of Caesars

Before the joke police wake up - it is also a history lesson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 06:28 PM

199

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 06:29 PM

Change hands

To paraphrase a joke :-D