BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 17 Sep 24 - 04:35 AM

OK, two quote completions by Willy Rushton:

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings ....
    .... and straight down the back of your suit.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle ....
    .... if you put it through the liquidiser first.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 22 Sep 24 - 08:00 AM

There are three kinds of people, those who can do math and those who can't.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Sep 24 - 09:13 AM

Nah. There are 10 kinds. Those who understand binary and those that don't.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Sep 24 - 06:30 AM

IMHO the two sorts of people are those who divide the world into two sorts of people, and the rest of us.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Sep 24 - 07:07 AM

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

-sounds like a Stephen Wright.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Sep 24 - 08:09 AM

A bloke had just finished a round of golf on his own, and because it had been a hot day he decided to have a shower in the clubhouse before he went home. Unfortunately, he went into the women's changing room by accident and had his shower there without realising. Then, to his horror, he heard three women chatting outside the door of the changing room. It having dawned on him what had happened, he waited and waited - but the ladies weren't going anywhere. He thought to himself, "How am I going to get out of here? All I have is a flimsy little towel and all my clothes are out there in my locker!" After a long wait he decided to just wrap the towel round his head so he couldn't be recognised and make a run for it. So he ran past the three women and and they all looked his naked torso up and down. The first woman said, "Hmm. He definitely isn't my husband..." The second woman said, "Well he doesn't look anything like my husband 'down below' either. Far less well-endowed..." The third woman said, "I can definitely tell you for nothing that he's not even a member of this golf club...."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Sep 24 - 03:10 AM

What do you call a room full of drummers?

Anything you want THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU


What do you call people who decide what is funny and what is not?

Not funny, but cue surrogate answers............

hint - there is wit, there is irony, there is humour, there are puns, there is subtlety, there is paronomasia, there is amiguity, there is dichotomy, and there is narcissism

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Sep 24 - 05:35 AM

Are you channeling Donuel Mr Red?

A young woman went into the chemists and asked the pharmacist furtively if they sold extra-large condoms.

"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

"No thanks. I'm just going to lurk here until somebody does..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:17 PM

Q. If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?
A. The airplane.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:50 PM

I went to the General store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. - Stephen Wright

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Oct 24 - 07:20 AM

She was bent over the freezer in front of me, wearing only a short skirt.I was so turned on, I couldn't resist so I got close to her and did the business. Never doing it like that again as we've been banned from Sainsburys!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 07 Oct 24 - 02:40 AM

These three dogs are sitting in the Vet's waiting room discussing why they are there. The first dog said he had been getting loose and biting the mailman so he was here to be put to sleep. The second dog said he couldn't stop tearing up the trash and furniture. He was also there to be put down. The third dog said "Well, my owner likes to exercise naked and there she was bent over in front of me and I could not resist. I mounted and had my way with her." The first dog asked "so you're here to put to sleep too then?" and he replied "no, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Oct 24 - 05:45 AM

Two blokes are sitting at the bar. One asks the other why he's looking so miserable.

"Well I was watching this porn film when my wife opened the bedroom door..."

"So she caught you watching porn! Is that such a big deal?"

"No, no! She opened the bedroom door in the film..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Oct 24 - 09:49 AM

Where did the new glass go?

Nova Scotia!

Told by a WashPo reader to Alexandra Petri
(To appease the Stolen From The Internet folks)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Oct 24 - 10:19 AM

My wife is going to the States

Where abouts?

Alaska

Do you not know already?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Oct 24 - 01:36 PM

Idaho, Alaska...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 24 - 09:51 PM

A dustbin man knocks on a a guy’s door, looking for his rubbish / garbage / trash. The guy’s English isn’t great..

He opens the door slightly, with a red, sweaty face.

”Where’s yer bin?” asks the binman.

”Errr… I bin in barfwoom,” responds the bloke.

”No, mate: where’s yer BIN?” he asks again.

”I told you. I BIN in barfwoom..”

Getting exasperated, the binman says “Look - WHERE’S YOUR WHEELIE BIN?”

The chap’s shoulders slump and, crestfallen, he lowers his head…

”Oh, OK… I wheelie bin having a wank..”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 24 - 08:27 AM

"Is she Hungary?"
"Alaska"
"Give her a Canada Chili.'

from my father, 70+ years ago

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Oct 24 - 01:43 PM

Baby seal walks into a bar... what'll you have?

...

Anything but a Canadian club!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 20 Oct 24 - 02:40 AM

When this guy was a kid his grandpa told him that if he wanted a long life he should sprinkle a spoonful of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. He started doing as grandpa suggested and he recently passed at the age of 93. He left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 12 great-grandchildren and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Nov 24 - 08:44 PM

Scientists have discovered that people don't eat clocks because it is time consuming.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Nov 24 - 03:39 PM

What did one sagging boob say to the other?

We better perk up...



...





...




...before someone thinks we're nuts!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Nov 24 - 06:31 AM

In case you thought he had forgotten us - got this one from Steve :-)

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Dunno, but I have no idea as to how you get them inside the bulb...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Nov 24 - 08:21 AM

And while we are on a roll...

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on the plane, so they got chatting.

"Tell me," asked the priest, "Does your religion still forbid you to eat pork?"

"It does indeed," came the reply.

"Have you ever lapsed?"

"Just the once, I have to confess. I was really hungry and my friend gave me half of his bacon sandwich... But tell me. Does your religion still insist on celibacy?"

"It does, but I have to confess that on just the one occasion I succumbed to temptation with a beautiful young woman..."

The rabbi leaned across and whispered confidentially in the priest's ear: "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich, eh?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Thompson
Date: 18 Nov 24 - 02:23 PM

Dunno, but I have no idea as to how you get them inside the bulb...

At last, a joke in these threads that actually made me laugh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 18 Nov 24 - 09:09 PM

My wife asked me to pass her the lipstick in her purse. I passed a glue stick by mistake. She hasn't spoken to me for 2 days.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Nov 24 - 04:25 AM

Are you channeling Donuel Mr Red? - No - channelling narcissists that tell us what is and isn't funny. &/or surrogates thereof.

Meanwhile:

My GF, in response to a misattribution of a painting, sans precious metals, on "University Challenge" said:

"Not all that Klimt's is gold"

It is humour of a sort, but you need the references, and the intelligent response is to say "I get it" or "If I had the references, I would smile at that one". Not "ain't funny, I tell 'em better". Or to attempt damning with faint praise invoking "allusion".

As someone opined recently somewhere I was reading. "Humour is relative to the individual". Which is "wit" in the time honoured meaning allied to "wisdom".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Nov 24 - 04:37 AM

This is supposed to be a joke thread but I suppose if anyone want to include discussions on humour, wit or personality disorders, who am I to disagree! Cod psychology gives me a laugh anyway :-D

Did you know that if Benny and Bjorn had been named Steve and Dave, ABBA would have been called ASDA...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Nov 24 - 06:55 AM

.... and would have been a sell-out.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Nov 24 - 07:58 AM

"Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process", sometimes attributed to E.B. White.
Let's stick to the jokes on this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Nov 24 - 10:32 AM

"With magic, you can turn a frog into a prince. With science, you can turn a frog into a PhD, and still have the frog you started with."

.... I forget which Science of Discworld book that comes from.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Nov 24 - 01:35 PM

Dancing with a beautiful young woman in a club on Saturday night. I said 'The dress you're wearing is really beautiful, was it expensive'? She replied 'Well it would have been but I bought it with 30% off. I replied 'If you come back to my place, it will be 100% off'      She came with me!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 24 - 06:25 PM

What happens when you eat at a combination Chinese-German restaurant? An hour later you are hungry-for power!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Nov 24 - 11:21 AM

I'm buying my wife a bag and matching belt for her birthday.

We'll have that hoover fixed in no time!

My wife should be on the plane now.

Where is she going?

Nowhere, she is hanging a new door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Nov 24 - 12:40 PM

Reminds me of-
What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

The position of the dirt bag.

(heard that from a biker friend some time ago)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Dec 24 - 06:14 PM

A really funny word play goes into a bar and 10 people die laughing

Pun in. Ten dead.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Dec 24 - 08:08 AM

One weekend when a funeral procession passed a man and his boss were playing golf. The man took off his hat and stood silently with eyes downcast. He didn't move until the procession was out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approved. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he said, as they resumed their game.?"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Dec 24 - 08:28 PM

Nude woman to self, looking in mirror: I really need to lose weight.

Her boobs: We volunteer as tribute!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Dec 24 - 10:33 AM

I've just this afternoon heard an interview with the new chess champion, who is record-breakingly young. So let's go with a related jest, which happens to be seasonal:

Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were there, and after a gruelling day of chess, the players and their entourages retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite loud, as various players claimed that honour.

At that point, a security guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I got this from the UNIX fortune database. Proper accreditation gratefully accepted.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Dec 24 - 11:12 AM

Bumper sticker seen on an older Hyundai the other day-

I Was an Honor Student
What Went Wrong

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Dec 24 - 04:04 AM

The actress that played Pussy Galore died the other day

Honour Blackman?

No, on a motorbike...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Dec 24 - 09:44 AM

I wonder how many got the reference in Mr.Red's post..
"Not all that Klimt's is gold"

I think his GF is very clever.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Dec 24 - 04:26 AM

Elon Musk joshing with Trump - "Real Billionaires just buy Twitter"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Dec 24 - 08:29 AM

I had to look it up, Bill, which makes it a bit pointless to those of us without an artistic bent

Ok, you are allowed to say 'bent what?'

Anyhow, back to what normal people call jokes...

Bloke goes into a pub and orders a pint. The barman hands over his pint and says, "That will be 10p please."

"Blimey," thought the man, This is a great pub!" He downed his pint and ordered another. The barman handed it over. "That will be 10p please."

So this went on for quite a while until eventually the chap said to the barman, "How come you can only charge 10p a pint? How can you possibly make a profit running a pub like that?"

"Well you see," said the barman, "a few months ago I won £125 million on the lottery. I've always enjoyed the pub culture and I thought that as I'd benefited from it so much I'd put something back. So I bought this pub, and I thought I'd just charge customers 10p for every drink that they could possibly wish for. I don't need the profit so here I am."

"That's magnificent!" said the customer. "But can you tell me something? There are three blokes sat over there in the corner who look really miserable, and they haven't even got a drink in front of them!"

Said the barman, "Well you see, they are three Yorkshiremen and they're waiting for happy hour when drinks will be half price..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Dec 24 - 08:45 AM

So are Yorkshiremen supposed to cheapskates?
Your joke seems a bit exclusionary as well, Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Dec 24 - 01:53 PM

Yorkshire motto

Hear all, see all, say nowt
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt

And if tha does owt for nowt, do it for thysen

Not exclusionary at all. I include all Yorkshiremen :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Dec 24 - 02:00 PM

Thanks, Dave. It sounds like an episode of "All Creatures..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Dec 24 - 03:00 PM

Filmed just up the road from me!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Dec 24 - 07:35 PM

Two elderly widows are sitting in the garden. One looks at the other and says “How do you deal with your sexual urges now that Dave is gone”. The other replies “ I suck on lifesavers”. The other asks “Who drives you to the beach?”