BS: ATTENTION!!!!

Subject: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: red_clay
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 06:58 PM

YOUR LAUGH FOR THE DAY!!!!
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a
phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. .
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly
is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally
got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his
"barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her. .
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks
door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady
(being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I
didn't. I just saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 07:19 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 07:21 PM

I just noticed the adverts for duffel bags at the bottom of the page...either the computer has no sense of homuour, or a very sophisticated one...

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 08:12 PM

*chuckle*

But why, why are men so obsessed with the importance of their little privy parts? You don't hear women going on and on about theirs.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 08:37 PM

Peacocks, innit? Seems that in most of nature the male is the one that makes the show, probably because they have to make sure that theirs are the genes that get carried on. The females KNOW that their genes will be passed down. So if a man can suggest that he has the necessary equipment.....

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Peace
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 11:08 PM

Because we can see ours without a mirror, fer krissake.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 11:13 PM

Similar to the one about the man who buys new shoes and tries to impress his wife with them.

Stands naked in the bedroom with just his shoes and socks on, the wife asks "why are you dressed like that dear"

He responds "That is pointing to my new shoes"

She replies "pity you did not get a new hat then"

And as for Jaqui C comment, I am not going to stick multi cloured feathers up my bum and run around naked. Peacocks indeed.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 08 Nov 04 - 11:48 PM

I don't know what you're on about. I talk about mine all the time...
I think women just talk about these things amongst themselves rather than in a mixed sex environment, for fear of damaging the notoriously fragile male ego. We wouldn't want you getting clitoris envy, now, would we? :0)

A guy goes to visit his grandparents. Nearing their house, he spies his granfather sitting on the front porch naked from the waist down.
"Grandpa", he asks, "what are you doing?"
Grandpa looks down and says, !Oh, that! well, i was sitting out here without a shirt on yesterday, and got a stiff neck. THis was your grandma's idea..."

BOom boom!

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,SueB
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 03:24 AM

Oh no, Blissie, did you say "Notoriously Fragile Male Ego"?
I hope brucie doesn't see that!

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 03:47 AM

An 83 yr old man went to the doctor and said "Doctor, Please can you lower my sex drive"?   The Doctor said "John you are eighty three years old, you don't need your sex drive lowering..at your age it's all in your head"!!!!
John, the old man said..."That's what I mean Doctor...I want it lowering"!!!!!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: MBSLynne
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 04:51 AM

Men are all concerned about how big theirs is and how well it behaves, but with one of THESE I can get big ones, small ones, strange shaped ones....in fact anything I like really. So why should I bother to talk about it?

(I can sense a number of comments brewing on that last sentence actually!)

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 05:50 AM

"..... in fact anything I like really."

This is what comes of too much time spent in the Middle Bar Lynne. Even though it is less smokey now, all those previous years have obviously taken their toll and warped your mind. I believe you were also warned against visiting the Donkey Sanctuary as the resultant overly libidinous dreams have a lasting effect. Look at what a visit to the marine mammal centre did to Seal!

Please calm yourself, remember there are children watching. Think pure thoughts. Imagine you are dousing a large torch in the sea, your hand grasping the hot, hard shaft and thrusting it into the salty, wet depths (perhaps not a good analogy).

I'll get me mac.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: MudGuard
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 06:06 AM

But why, why are men so obsessed with the importance of their little privy parts? You don't hear women going on and on about theirs.

Ok, women may not talk about it, but now compare the numbers when it comes to stuffing silicone (or having it stuffed) into primary or secondary private parts - it shows that women are much more concerned about the size of their own private parts than men ...

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 06:23 AM

It seems to me that women somehow relish the thought of surrendering to the surgeons knife for whatever purpose. Is it because larger bra's are cheaper to buy than small ones?

As for Brucie's comment, all I can say is lucky you! For most of us find that gravity increases with age and drags down the bits we would rather leave in their natural places thus covering the bits that won't move at all but which we would like elongated! What used to watch us shave now checks the cleanliness of our shoes.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 08:10 AM

Hee hee - grandma's idea... hee hee hee...

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: MBSLynne
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 08:12 AM

Actually Mingulay...I think Seal originated from the marine mammal centre...he escaped.

I didn't realise that visit to the Donkey Sanctuary was what had caused the libidinous dreams...I thought it was all those gorgeous, hunky Middle Bar Singers.......or perhaps not.....

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 09:26 AM

Seal did not escape from the marine centre, they wouldn't let him in! Apparently he frightened the other inmates.

Where do you get this gorgeous, hunky business from Lynne? In the Middle Bar? Unless, of course, it was during one of my appearances!!! Best to stick to the donkey theory.

At least you admit the libidinous dreams!! The therapy is working.
You may now take yourself off for a cream tea at Branscombe as a reward.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: MBSLynne
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 10:18 AM

And spoil my heavenly figure!!!???

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 11:25 AM

You all, of course, realise that more money is spent on "Viagra" and "Boob jobs" now then there ever has been on research into "Altzheimers disease".....
as a consequence of this......
in around 40-50 years time...
there will be many very old women walking around with purt breasts and a lot of old men with stiff little parts....but they might have forgotten why!!!!!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 11:38 AM

Forgotten what?

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Big Mick
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 11:42 AM

Well... there you go. Mudcat has done it again!! Sometimes its new lyrics, other times its a tune. But this time it is a couple of jokes I will be using this weekend

This was your Gran's idea

Still chuckling.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 12:40 PM

Well I am old enough to have 'Senior Moments' but I keep forgetting to have them !

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 01:54 PM

LOl!

Big bras are a LOT more expoensive than small bras...just trust me on this one:0)

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: red_clay
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 04:48 PM

speakin' of boob jobs,Georgiansilver,Dolly Parton was in town over the weekend with her current show and she reminded tyhe audience of the Janet jackson "incident" at the super bowl back in january this year!"if i pulled that stunt here",dolly giggled,"i'd take out the first four rows"! only Dolly would know for sure!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 06:07 PM

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
When they bury Dolly Parton,
they'll have trouble with her....
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 06:08 PM

Perhaps we should start a thread on strange shaped coffins!

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 07:17 PM

Roseanne (orig. Barr, then Arnold) used to have a line in her stand-up routine: "If men knew how to do it right they'd never have to pay for it."
Bliss is right about cost.
Red Clay, I heard the original story as "garage door". Then the guy asks the girl if she saw his fine mack truck. She comes back with "I noticed a pink VW bug with 2 flat tires." About 20 yrs ago.   Tw

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 07:21 PM

Lol...although some men do know how to do it- and the rest can be taught...:0)

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 07:26 PM

The theory that a mans car is an extension of his penis is rubbish. If it were true we would be washing it every day and backing it in and out of the garage!

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 07:29 PM

This really happened:

Two coworkers of mine, Bob and Vern, had a long-standing habit of teasing each other about getting old. One day Vern was walking around the office with his fly open, until Bob told him.

While he was zipping up, Vern said: "Well, you know what they say: It pays to advertise."

Bob said: "What are you advertising for? Are you having a going-out-of-business sale?"

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 07:29 PM

What would you do for the other twenty three hours and fifty seven minutes though? ;0)

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 04 - 08:33 PM

At my age, at the going rate of 750 calories per hour, I can usually manage about 10 - calories that is...

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: MBSLynne
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 03:04 AM

BI, they can only be taught if they realise they have anything to learn!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 04:10 AM

Any good looking women out there who can teach???? I'd sure love to be taught!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 04:48 AM

Georgiansilver, at your age why so fussy about the good looking. Trust me (as an aged wrinkly) think yourself lucky if you can find a live one! (Hobbles away with sickly grin clutching at now non-existant gonads)

Problem with learning is practice. Can you guarantee that you won't drop off halfway through? Can you manage two Weetabix followed by a practice session of recreational sex? It's a lot for the body to cope with in the same week. Also, when it comes to the undress rehearsal do you need to keep your vest on in case you get a chill? Will that tattoo of LUDO ever become LLANDUDNO again?

Hmmm! Wonder if it's worth hanging around the Middle Bar?

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: MBSLynne
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 10:50 AM

Oooooh yes! I'm a veeeeery good teacher! Perhaps an idea for festival workshops????

Now how did you know I'd volunteer for this??

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 11:49 AM

Well Lynne. You are certainly the right age for a guy like me but...don't think your hubby would approve!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 11:54 AM

The Middle Bar it is then. Make sure the Viagra is swallowed quickly, don't want a stiff neck. Would it be right to do this to music, and would that be with or without a caller!

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 12:40 PM

Puh--Lee--Yuz!!! NOT a spectator sport.    Tw

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 05:13 PM

It's best to get them young. It's like learnig to ride a bike...once they can go the distance without falling off, the never forget...

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: LadyJean
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 10:30 PM

A travelling salesman was driving down the road, when nature called. There wasn't a gas station anywhere close, so he pulled over, went into a clump of trees and unzipped. That's how he got stung by the bee.
Back on the road, and decidedly uncomfortable, he remembered that buttermilk was a good remedy for beestings, so, when he passed a farmhouse, he stopped, knocked at the door, and asked the old lady who answered for a glass of buttermilk.
She brought him one, and waited at the door for him to drink it.
He was VERY uncomfortable, so he unzipped, and put it in the glass. Relieved at last, he appologized to the old lady for what he'd shown her.
"Never you mind," she said. "Married 40 years, and I always wondered how you men refilled them things. Now I know."

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Peg
Date: 10 Nov 04 - 11:29 PM

Christ, there's a lot of old pervs on this site lately...

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Neighmond
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 12:02 AM

At the circus:

The young boy sat at the edge of his seat through the whole show. The moment finally came that he was waiting for: the elephant parade. With some shock he noticed that some elephants had two trunks-one before and another aft. He asked his mother, who sat beside him, what the rear trunk was on some of them. She blushed and replied "that ain't nothing!"

When the father returned from a candy run he asked him "Father, what is the trunk on the bellies of some of them?"
The father looked at the elephants and replied "that's a penis, son, just like yours or mine."
The little boy was confused! "But Father, when I just now asked Momma, she said it wasn't nothing!"

The father leaned in close and whispered back...





"That's because I got that woman SPOILED!"

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: HuwG
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 12:08 AM

Dear Agony Aunt,

Is it all right to laugh during sex ?

Yours truly

Worried (Ms)


Dear Worried

It's perfectly all right to laugh during sex. Don't point, though.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: MBSLynne
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:38 AM

I'd rather smile.....

;-P

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 11:13 AM

So is it alright to smoke after sex? Well..if you've worked that hard I suppose so!.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:38 PM

Attention....Please LOL

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 10:15 PM

Lol!

There are a few young pervs too...well, one, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Virginia
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 02:58 AM

Opportunity would be a nice thing...but any contact would be good!
V

Subject: RE: BS: ATTENTION!!!!
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 03:59 AM

Pardon me for asking Virginia, but is that a name, where you're from or a sexual state? Perhaps you should get out more!