BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:47 AM

The one joke that never gets me a laugh and always induces irritation, but which I consider to be bloody hilarious, is:

What have Jimmy Edwards and Lulu got in common?

They both have moustaches except Lulu.

(I think it was a Crackerjack joke).

There. Told you it was hilarious!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:52 AM

How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A what?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 07:29 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:24 AM

There are categories of jokes. One common on is the 'war between the sexes'....


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:44 AM

One of the most common is sex itself:

An old farmer managed to secure himself a young wife. Everyone gossiped about it, but he seemed happy.
Then one day the local doctor met Jake on the street.
"Hey doc," the farmer said, " I've been meaning to ask you about a kinda awkward problem."

"Well, I'll try. What's going on?"

"You see, doc, I ain't as young as I used to be, and I love my wife, but certain things are not as easy as they were when I was young. Sometimes I get that 'urge' when I'm out plowing, but by the time I get back up to the house, my energy and the 'urge' are gone."

"Hmmm..", says the doctor, "You know, she is young and spry. Why don't you pack a blanket and a pillow on the tractor and take your shotgun along. Then, when the urge hits, fire off a shot and have her come down to the field to you!"

"Gosh, doc, that's a great idea! Thanks."

So, about a month later, the doctor meets Jake again and asks him, "Hey Jake... that idea I gave you awhile back...umm.. how'd that work out?"

The farmer sighs sadly and shakes his head..."Well, doc, it worked just fine for a couple of weeks... then huntin' season opened, and I ain't see her since!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 11:52 AM

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing.

"As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process.

"Wait a second", the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is...it's extruding the condom.. but what's with the pop noise every once in awhile?"

"Oh, that.. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process." said the guide "It pokes a hole in every third condom."

"But that cant be good for the condoms business!" the observant shift manager replied.

"Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 07:55 AM

My ex once asked me for an example of innuendo... so I gave her one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 08:25 AM

Repetition is worthy of the farmer joke. So is sex.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 22 - 11:33 AM

I tried to come up with some good double-meaning musical jokes, but all I managed was a couple of dim innuendos...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Dec 22 - 08:56 AM

There was once a monk, of a silent order, who could only utter two words to the Abbot each year. The first year he said 'Bed hard'... The second year he said 'floor cold'. The third year he said 'Habit itchy'. The fourth year he said ' sandals rub'. The following year he said 'I'm leaving'! . The Abbot said 'Great, you've done nothing but moan since you've been here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 22 - 08:18 PM

A commander walks into a bar...

...and orders everyone around.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 22 - 12:19 PM

I prefer to die like my Grandfather, in his sleep unlike the terrified people in the car he was driving.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Dec 22 - 11:37 AM

OK, here's an approximately seasonal one:

A chess championship was due to be held in Las Vegas. On the evening before the event, various participants arrived in the hotel, and started reminiscing about matches they'd been part of in previous years. The whole lot were thrown out of the hotel by the manager, who said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 12:09 PM

I've just made a chicken tarka

It's like a tikka but otter

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 07:40 PM

Hikers discovered a kidnapping in Rock Creek Park so they woke him up.

Police arrested a kindergartner for refusing to sleep. The report said he was resisting arrest.

The guest of honor at a wake never is.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Dec 22 - 08:16 PM

Yeah, well it's great to end 2022 with some non-jokes. Not.

Maybe I'll start the 2023 joke thread with a very strict rule, viz: "This is a joke thread."


I've made a New Year's resolution. I'm going to do a lot more reading.

I'm going to turn on the telly subtitles...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 11:38 AM

Unlike Donuel's anti-jokes Steve is the real joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 11:56 AM

Steve should make resolutions that are more easily achievable and are within his grasp
like eating pasta everyday.
Next year, weight loss, maybe.

By the way Poor folks in the UK have a standard of living 20% lower than Slovenia. The Brexit financial hit has brought the UK below many European countries' GNP. - NO JOKE

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:20 PM

Donuel... as a well studied and informed Brit...I would be pleased if you could show me where you found this information. This is new to me. Before joining the EU, we Brits were the fifth richest country in the world. We dropped that position to become the 6th. Since leaving we are back to being the fifth richest again..... so I can't see how your assertion holds water.... Please give us a link to prove your statement.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:21 PM

PS..... was it supposed to be a joke????

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 02:29 PM

If you end a paragraph with "NO JOKE" that paragraph probably doesn't belong in a joke thread, wether it's true or not. Your last trio of jokes gave me a chuckle, Don, maybe you should continue down that path in this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 04:02 PM

This thread is dead, long live 2023.

Georgian silver sources Guardian and NPR.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Dec 22 - 06:19 PM

"Doctor doctor! Every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy!"

"Ah, I see. Now how long have you been getting these disney spells?"



Doctor to little old lady, "You've got acute angina."

Little old lady, lifting up her jumper, "I've got nice tits too!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:20 AM

Donuel suggesting a source is totally inadequate! Please provide specific links to articles you are referring to.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:34 AM

Maybe you guys can shift your discussion over to the UK politics thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Dec 22 - 07:49 AM

Kid-  “Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
-
Dad- “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
-
Kid- “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”