BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 04:56 PM

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be ‘unacceptable fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

The best part of this lawyer joke is that this is a true story.



23 Climate deniers have been consumed by wildfires. The families have lost every insurance claim on the grounds they were a hoax.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:01 PM

Man goes into butcher's shop and sez, I'll have pound of sausages, please.   Butcher smirks and sez, Hahah, sir, don't you know that it's kilos these days? OK, sez yer man, I'll have a pound of kilos then, please...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:20 PM

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Jul 22 - 05:27 PM

At less than a thousandth of a kilo you could still have been 999mg.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 03:26 AM

Restaurant customer: "I'll have pissoles and chips please."

   Waitress: "What???"

"Pissoles and chips. That's what it says here on the menu."

   (studies menu) "That's a mistake - it should be an R."

"OK then, arsoles and chips."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 05:49 AM

I tell that one as a little boy going into the frozen food shop, Bob:

Little boy to the man in the shop: "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseye pissoles, mister."

Man frowns in puzzlement, then a smile spreads across his face: "Aha, little boy, I know what it is you want, but it's an R, not a P!"

"OK then, mister, please can I have a packet of Birdseye arseholes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 04:07 PM

More than half-a-century ago, in Glasgow, a wee wummin had read something in a magazine about French Cooking (except that it was called "Cuisine"). When she noticed that one of the big stores had started displaying exotic looking cakes and confectionery, she called a young shop-assistant and, pointing to one of them, asked,
"Is that a 'Gateau' or a 'Meringue'?"
The wee lassie, new to the work and not very familiar with foreign foods, replied,
"Naw, ye're right enough, it's a 'Gateau'".
.
.
.
.
.
(Just in case anyone needs an explanation, the local pronunciation of "a meringue" and "am Ah wrang?", anglice "am I wrong", would be indistinguishable)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 04:13 PM

Keep it simple!

I went into the baker's shop in Glasgow and pointed to a confection in the window, asking the baker, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

"Naw, you're right," sez he, "It's a cake."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 05:14 PM

Yes, that's pretty much how I heard it, long ago; but would that really be "internationally" grasped? I thought a bit of drama would, ultimately, enhance the humour ("humor"...).

Hud a big do at Christmas. Kidnae afford a turkey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:06 PM

It's all good! :-)

(And at least we Brits are telling jokes!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:41 PM

I suppose it would at least be putting it in a contemporary, and perhaps humorous, way if I were to object to the Pronoun...

I might be "British" on the ould Passport, at least until I try for an Irish one, rejecting being a "Subject" in a hereditary Monarchy, no matter how splendid it is said to be, for a "Citizen" of a Republic, no matter how corrupt it has proven.

My own preferred Pronouns to refer to myself are, "That there".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 06:51 PM

I qualify for Irish citizenship meself, as me gran was born in Athlone City. Last I heard, the authorities in Ireland were inundated, so I thought I'd wait a bit. In the immortal words of Victoria Wood, let's do it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 Jul 22 - 09:23 PM

Immortal, perhaps, but unknown to me (tho' VW herself isn't)!
Better add a joke, and this one gains a bit from context (as well as a knowledge of Scots pronunciation). It works best if someone in a group asks if anyone knows "a Dirty Joke", to which the reply "Joke the Coalman" seems either senseless or funny, depending on whether you recognise that in some places the name "Jock"...

Actually, that joke is now, here at least, clearly archaic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 03:24 AM

I see that a couple of you are using the joke thread, once again, to tell things that are not jokes

Now where have I heard that before?

--------"-------

A young lady is talking to one of her friends:

"There have been a lot of family weddings this year. I really enjoyed them but, at each one, granny would poke me with her walking stick, lean over and whisper 'You'll be next'. It got to be really irritating but I just responded with a smile and said nothing.

Then came the chance to show her how annoying it could be. I was surprised at her reaction at that funeral."

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:00 AM

An elephant and a snake met in the jungle. They struck up a conversation about being bored with little to do but look for food. The elephant suggested they play a game of snooker but awarding points for tricks they could perform, to which snake agreed. Elephant immediately stood up high on his hind legs and snake awarded him a red and blue (total six points). The snake then stood on his tail end and was awarded a red and brown (total five points) as it was not so difficult. The game progressed until the elephant was seven points in front. The snake said that it had been a great game but he had to go and could he have one last chance of winning by sliding up elephants trunk and out of his rear end for a red and black (eight points). The elephant agreed to the challenge. Snake slid quickly up elephants trunk. Elephant reached round with his trunk and inserted it into his rear end, then triumphantly shouted 'Shnookerred !!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: G-Force
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:30 AM

Mickey Mouse is in court, suing Minnie Mouse for divorce.
Judge: Sorry, Mickey, you can't have a divorce just because she's got crooked teeth.
Mickey: I didn't say she had crooked teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:43 AM

which tends to make a Joke of the well known advice about what not to do with "The Mouse". Another Scots one, this time with an American angle, concerning a difference between an Olympic swimmer and a cartoonist:
Mark Spitz and Walt Disney.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jul 22 - 06:47 AM

Like that other Scottish one: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings but Walt disnae...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jul 22 - 06:59 PM

Bing crooned, Loretta Lynn crones.

ps Steve keeps this thread going as a labor of love in memory of his father who I understand was a joke master.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bugsy
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 02:29 AM

A religious joke:

A Catholic Dog and a Jewish Dog were waiting to cross the road, when the Jewish Dog, Cocked his leg and piddled all over the Catholic Dog.

The Catholic shook himself and said "If this wasn't a Friday, I'd Bite your balls off!!"

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 06:53 AM

"Bing crooned, Loretta Lynn crones."

Genuine question to you all. Can anyone explain how or why this is "funny" it is totally lost on me.

Anyone ............................ ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 08:50 AM

its a play on words without the question but you're the foreigner in this case. Loretta is 90 and still singing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 09:03 AM

So the great Loretta Lynn is a crone? Is that supposed to be funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 12:12 PM

Calling a ninety year old woman a crone is NOT funny, never has been and never will.

I can only presume that you are sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 02:54 PM

I'm glad it's not just me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 05:15 PM

My wife said to me, these shoes are killing me. I looked at her and said, you've got them on the wrong feet. She said, but these are the only feet I've got...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 22 - 10:19 PM

Why did Raggy Tash cross the road?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 04:58 AM

Suck it up. You were well out of order.


The doc said to me, my diagnosis is that you've got hypochondria. I said, well I might as well have - I've got everything else...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:23 AM

and you do not know the definition of crone, laws of the US schedule one, civility, nor are you a proud recipient of a Presidential pardon.
You reveal your diagnosis daily and are not aging well.
You are aging dis gracefully.

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.
A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks:

"Have you witnessed the blue moon light up the darkest depths of the ocean?"

"Yes, master!" said the disciple enthusiastically.

"Have you witnessed the wind mercilessly slash at the unfaltering tree, only to help it grow more resilient?"

"Yes, master!"

"And have you witnessed the chilling water break against an immovable stone, seemingly accomplishing nothing?"

"Yes, master!"

After another brief silence, the wise master slowly opens his eyes and exhales: "Well there's your problem... You keep looking at random nonsense instead of learning!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:36 AM

My ex-wife once stood in front of the cheval mirror in our bedroom and exclaimed 'My hair is getting thin, my forehead is wrinkled, I have crows feet by my eyes, my neck is like chicken skin, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly is covered in stretch marks, my butt is soft and very wrinkly, I have cellulite on my thighs and my feet have gotten hairy.....please tell me something good about me' I said well love, you have great eyesight.!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:41 AM

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
Long
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God created Steve and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But Steve said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years he ate, slept, played and enjoyed himself. For the next forty years he slaved in the sun to al,ost support his family. For the next ten years he did monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years he sist on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:07 AM

A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of plastic wrap around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

An exhibitionist was going to retire but he decided to stick it out for another year.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:20 AM

Its time again for “Explaining Jokes to Idiots” and break down jokes for the humor-impaired like Will Smith types.
Comedians have been under attack for some time, So I must defend my tribe. This war on jokes must end. Crone jokes about wise women does not have anything to do with degradation any more than the chicken crossing the road is about bird flu.

Critics who feel entitled to silence jokes is the perfect illustration of cancel culture. I remind you that Gilbert Gottfried and Kathy Griffin “were tasteless” in their moments. “So what? That’s why we like them!” From Dave Chappelle through Sarah Silverman and Roseanne, all comedians are a little crazy, Maher said. “And you need crazy on that wall.”

“Soon there will be nothing to joke about but airline food and Starbucks getting your name wrong or worn weary stevie jokes from his dad's time.”

Thank God George Carlin isn’t around to see this.
We have to have free speech, Without it, we have nothing, and it doesn’t matter which group it is. When it is not acceptable to have an opposing view, we’ll end up with a totalitarian state.

Is it possible that society is so far gone that we’ll get to that point?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:32 AM

Google the definition of "crone" and get over yourself. If the members of your "tribe" ever read your material they'd stake you out on a red ant mound.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:46 AM

I know it by heart. The folklore version of crone is old, ugly and disagreeable and perhaps a witch. Its modern usage is of the archetypal wise woman.
Anyway a play on words isn't about the individuals but words and spellings. You need an education about the 5 main types of jokes.
Educate yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:51 AM

Well, I have learned from you what is not funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 08:18 AM

That's fair - as in "She's a nice girl FOR YOU".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 10:20 AM

.... or describing someone as having "a good face for radio". I'm choosing to take "You've got a good voice for chanties" as a compliment, in the interests of domestic harmony.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 11:23 AM

Meanwhile, back at the thread title, one I've just heard in the family:

A cat dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Hello," says St Peter. "Why should I let you in?"

"I've been an alley cat all my life," says the cat, "never knowing where the next meal's coming from, and having nowhere comfortable to lay my head."

"OK, you're in," says St Peter, who has a soft spot for animals. "Would you like anything here?"

"A soft cushion to rest on, please," he says. "I've always wanted one of those." And it was so.

A couple of days later, along come some mice. "Why should I let you in?" says St Peter, kindly.

"We're poor mice," they say, "and we've spent all our lives running from cats and dodging mouse-traps."

"OK, you're in. Would you like anything?"

"Ooh, thank you," they say. "We've always wanted roller skates, so we could escape from the cats." And it was so.

A few weeks later, St Peter goes on a tour of inspection, and sees the cat on his cushion. "Hello, there. How are things going?"

"Wonderful," says the cat. "This cushion is really soft, and those meals-on-wheels you keep sending are delicious."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 12:01 PM

That reminds me we're having a Garrison Keillor Prarie Home Companion show coming to town.

Q: how do you get a autoharp player off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 01:05 PM

Poor Donuel. Must be those illegal mushrooms!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 03:32 PM

Rough?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 03:52 PM

Crone: a woman whose back goes out more than she does.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 06:51 PM

Magic Mushrooms are legal in the hospital down the street. Not criminal in many states and totally legal in Oregon. Spores are legal everywhere.
A remarkable end to human suffering seems like a good thing to me. Pro suffering folks are a drag but they are everywhere. They even joke about it. Being a teacher to little kids makes suffering a two way street. Old math teachers never die they just lose their functions.
Old teachers never die they just grade away.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 07:45 PM

Yep. It's definitely those mushrooms, poor chap.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 08:11 PM

What does an oboist use for birth control?
his personality

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 22 - 10:34 PM

My tribe believes in open minds and open hearts, unfortunately hateful mass shooters believe the same, but with AR15 bullets.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: BobL
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 03:10 AM

Tact is telling someone they're open-minded when they have a hole in the head.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 09:12 AM

Hey dude did ya bring anybody to the party?
You know it Dawg. I brought a girl that'll make you rock hard.
Whats her name?
Medussa

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jul 22 - 09:57 AM

~groan~