BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate

Subject: BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, reinstated gardener
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 08:18 PM

'Ello everybody, and 'Appy New Year!!!

I fought you would like to know wot's been 'appenin' in Twillingsgate. Well...

I am proud to report that I am back workin' at Rutledge 'Ouse fully reinstated in me official capacity as gardener.

Mr Winston Wellington-Jones and Captain Nigel West 'ave agreed to a cessation of 'ostilities...I love that frase...cessation of 'ostilities. It means they ain't gonna kill each other for the time bein' and they even went out and 'ad a drink togever while plannin' bat'le strat'egy. The Jaguar wot belonged to Miss Pruella Tat'tle, our local gossip communist, some'ow ended upside down in a bog not far from 'ere! Isn't that strange? I expect some local lads got drunk and took it for a joyride. Miss Tat'tle is fit to be tied. As for Ms Rutledge, she 'as decided to spend New Years in London for a change, where it's nice and quiet.

I am not permitted to say more about the mat'ter. I wish all of you the best in 2004! Bot'toms up!

Albert McSwiggins

Subject: RE: BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate
From: smallpiper
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 08:28 PM

'appy new year to you too Mr Gardener. Who's bottom are you up? Well not that its any of my business but enjoy it any way and all the best to you to for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate
From: Sorcha
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 10:09 PM

Just don't kick the Corgis....

Subject: RE: BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate
From: GUEST,Malcolm Buggeroll, Poet of the Highlands
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 11:11 PM

I have become aware that there is a plot afoot to cause me embarrassment and bodily harm, and it emanates from Twillingsgate, U.K., where dark forces have conspired against me! Only the other day I was giving a reading to an awestruck assemblage of devoted fans in the small town of Brionne, France, near Rouen. French women, being highly romantic and passionate by nature are drawn to the earthy yet sensitive aspects of my poetry which completely transcends normal boundaries of art and ventures into areas of exquisite emotion and sensual depth which must be heard coming off the writer's lips alone...but I digress.

At any rate, there I was, with my faithful companion Angelique close by my side, holding a riding crop at the ready, as is her wont when I am in the presence of my more ardent female fans....and suddenly my kilt caught fire!

It was a horrifying situation. All the women began screaming as I desperately leaped about on the stage trying to extinguish the flames, but to no avail. Some sort of highly flammable liquid had been surreptitiously sprayed on the kilt, from behind the stage curtains I would assume, then ignited, and it was going up like a Christmas tree.

I was forced to rip the entire kilt off...what was left of it...and hurl the remnants into the audience, and that is not all. I regret to say that on milder days I go without underwear. In fact, I generally go without underwear...

I need hardly explain the sensation that this caused, for I am a Highland Scot.

It was a terrible scene, further complicated by a fight that arose among several women in the audience to claim the smouldering fragments of my ex-kilt, while others attempted to rush the stage, probably only to assist me in my hour of need, but Angelique beat them off with a rare fury. The fight quickly turned into a riot such as I have seldom seen in all my years of raising the sensibilities of the masses, and large numbers of gendarmes descended on the place like the legions of Tamerlane. I was arrested, carted off to a hideous jail cell, and am now falsely accused of having exposed myself indecently to a lunchtime audience, while the real miscreants responsible for this atrocity, this blatant attack on art, have slipped away like vipers into the shadows.

This is not what I call a Happy finish to the Old Year. The one bright note is that I was released this morning, due to the efforts of my indefatigable Angelique, who is as unstoppable as a bloodhound when she sets her mind to a problem.

I am again a free man! My voice shall not be silenced! My genius shall not be suppressed! My pen shall prove mightier than the sword! And the criminal miscreants in Twillingsgate shall live to rue the day they crossed Malcolm Buggeroll, the Poet of the Highlands!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 11:49 PM

Why, Malcolm, old man. How awful I'm certain that you will prevail, however. Certainly too bad about the kilt, but I'd guess that it didn't harm your, ah, sporran.

The usual resident of that gaol did you no harm, did they? Those French buggers can be awfully indecent, and an upstanding Englishman must often use all of his authority to deal with those immoral miscreants.

Sorry that you couldn't have been in England during the Holidays. They were quite, quite delightful.

Subject: RE: BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate
From: GUEST,Gilliaume-Robert Dupres
Date: 01 Jan 04 - 09:57 PM

I am forwarding and translated for you English this article from today's "Gazette de Rouen" which might be of your interest.

"An accident happened today outside the house of local woman and her friend, Malcolm Buggeroll of Twillingsgate, England.

M. Buggeroll and the woman, one Angelique, were abed in the front room of the house when a truck carrying chemical barrels overturned. The barrels broke open and the house and its contents was flooded with chemical malodoroux (bad smelling? I do not know the word you use.) The local fire brigade said that the chemicals do not pose a hazard, but that the area will not be livable for some time.

M. Buggeroll and the woman were taken to hospital, where they are being given treatments (douce is some bathing, no?) for their chemical splashes. Many of M. Buggeroll's papers were wetted with the chemicals, they will be readable when dry but will unhappily (stink?).

The police said that the accident could not be prevented and no arrests were made.

The chemicals in the unfortunate accident were skatol, indol, and certain sulphur compounds.

M. Buggeroll has been in police custody recently for exposing his private parts in public."

Subject: RE: BS: Latest News from Twillingsgate
From: GUEST,Anthony Pruitt
Date: 01 Jan 04 - 10:29 PM

How droll. Buggeroll's been in bad odour around Twillingsgate for some time anyway, ever since the notorious incident at Hoarsbottom Mansion, but I gather that he will now be in bad odour wherever he goes.

I wish to correct the mistaken impression that he is from Twillingsgate, however. To the contrary, he is from some malodorous rural area of Scotland where the locals are forever confusing their family line with the breeding of wooly livestock. He got a Fine Arts degree of some kind at Edinburgh, and then set forth to make a career for himself as a romantic poet, seducing society ladies and copping free meals in expensive surroundings. His poetry is utter bunk, but it impresses silly women for some reason. Possibly because it is vastly overpriced, and only the rich or the very stupid would spend that kind of money on such rubbish.

The man is a skunk. Therefore, he has met an appropriate fate, methinks.