BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:24 AM

Isn't it a play on words that offends nobody?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 09:36 AM

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the patient said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither", the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now", the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 09:49 AM

Les, don't plays on words laugh at people who can't do them, understand them, or generally finds word-handling problematic?

And jokes themselves are an insult to people with no sense of humour.

Gold!

THAT'S the defence of humour against accusations of insult.


In any case,


After the train accident in France, one survivor was asked what he thought the reason for the accident was.

he replied, Too loose le treck.


a pun that insults French rail, the esteemed work of Toulouse Lautrec, the lovers of same, the proponents of proper speech - I mean that's getting on for nearly everyone.



   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 01:35 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 01:59 PM

Les, don't plays on words laugh at people who can't do them, understand them, or generally finds word-handling problematic?

I don't think so

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:10 PM

So, Les, are you chortlin'?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:15 PM

"THAT'S the defence of humour against accusations of insult."

What a wonderful, incisive statement.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:33 PM

I chortle relentlessly and have much enjoyed Manchester's Comedy Store and Les Baker. Much great humour and I don't think anyone suffers except through the laugh ache!

Cheers

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:43 PM

"Role Play"

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both
worked full time, but he never did anything around
the house and certainly not any housework. That,
he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to
find the children bathed, a load of wash in the
washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner
on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete
with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted
to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley,
her husband, had read a magazine article that
suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all
the housework in addition to holding down a full-time
job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in
the office.

"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework,
folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted
to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too
tired."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:58 PM

Peace, where do you want the cheque (check) sent?


Dorothy Parker's favourite phrase = cheque's in the post

Les. Happy to agree to differ.

   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:01 PM

We were a very poor family..autolycus...and my mother used to send me to the butchers to buy a 'sheeps head'...she told me to ask for the head and tell the butcher to cut it as near to its a..e as possible....and to leave the eyes in..to see us through the week.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:34 PM

We were so poor that if you didn't wake up with an erection on Christmas day ya just had nothing to play with.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 04:36 PM

Lookshery. When i were a lad, we didn't have Christmas. being Jewish might ha' been connected. So I just lay there wondering why i wasn't at school. :-)


Not - um - really.

    Talking of poverty,
   
    There were two brothers. One got rich, the other poor.

   The poor one used to complain his rich brother ignored him.

One day, the rich one died. The poor brother turned up for the will-reading.

The lawyer said there was 50k for this and 100k for that, and 200k for the other. he ended the recital with,

"And to my nrother, who says I've always ignored him,



   hi."





   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 07:27 PM

"Homeless"

A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, are you going to buy
some beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless
man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two
dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a
terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your
wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want
her to see what a man looks like who's given up
beer, gambling, and golf!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 01:38 PM

Hey, Autolycus, Dorothy Parker's favourite phrase was 'cheque enclosed.'

Apologies for the pedantic response, but if every promised cheque that I have waited for actually was in the post I should be a rich and happy man today. As it is I just make do with being happy.
Cheers,
Ythanside
:-D)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 05:23 PM

From Phil Cunningham or Aly Bain on Prairie Home Companion this past weekend (help me before I cite again!):

Did you hear about the man who thought he was a moth?

He went to see a doctor.

The doctor said he couldn't help him, he really should see a psychiatrist.

Says the man, "Well, actually, I was on my way to the psychiatrist, but then I saw your light on..."


~ Becky in Tucson

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 AM

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.



The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.



The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'?

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'?





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:42 AM

Love it love it

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 05:52 PM

A pheasant died of natural causes and his mates through him under a car
because that's what he would have wanted.
Al

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 PM

The other day I found 2 scrap pieces of wood on the footpath - both 2x2

In the words of the old song...

2 b 2b2

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Apr 08 - 09:03 AM

"Accident"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, Lord no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 03 Apr 08 - 01:54 AM

Ythanside, quite right, Ta.


   He. Would you go to bed with me for a million pounds.
   She. Why,er, yes.
   he. Would you go to bed with me for one pound.
   She. Certainly not, what kind of woman do you think I am?
   he. We've already established what kind of woman you are.
       Now we're just haggling over the price.


    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 03:17 PM

Here are the "Best Divorce Letter" and the "Best Response Thereto".

"Best Divorce letter"

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and
I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have
a great life!

and then the
"Best Response to a Divorce Letter"

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad
that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week,
but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You
look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
you because the $49.99 price tag was still on
them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have
the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell And Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not
a problem.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 04:32 PM

How many coutry-and-Western singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. One to change to the new bulb, the other to sing about the old one.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 06:14 PM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the EMT asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 06:17 PM

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a Handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 05:00 PM

MI SSING HUSBAND


Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 06:34 PM

"College Zoology"

A young college student had stayed up all night
studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered
the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on
them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs
were showing.

The student sat straight in the front row because he
wanted to do the best job possible. The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the
birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus
and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had
stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds
by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder
he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up
to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds
by looking at their legs?"

With that the student threw his test on the professor's
desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised.
The class was so big that he didn't know every student's
name so as the student reached the door the professor
called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and
said, "You tell me, buddy! You tell me!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 08:24 AM

"New Word Definitions"

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office
at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle,
cut or deal.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what
he left out.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra
in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique
for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking
a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and
baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by
strangling the chicken.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated
damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to
achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost
and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors
to strip the bodies.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Apr 08 - 05:17 AM

Dog owners: when walk your dog and it keeps stopping at the same place to sniff it's just reading its wee-mails.

RtS
(I'll get me lead)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM

"Summer Thinking (or, Who Will Be Refreshed?)"

In the heat of summer, a fly was resting on
a leaf beside a lake.

A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh, if I go down three inches I will feel the
mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh,
if that fly comes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh,
if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will
jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the
bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that
bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll
shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one
bank of a lake. But I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and
that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs
for that fish, this dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich, and I can have it for
lunch!"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and
thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks
of this particular lake around lunch time: "Gosh,
if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that
fish, and that hunter shoots the bear, and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have
a mouse for lunch!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Apr 08 - 07:56 PM

You forgot about the wolf thinking that if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that
fish, and that hunter shoots the bear, and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich, then the cat concentrates on catching the mouse and I could catch the cat for my lunch ...


;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 08 - 09:49 PM

A Shaggy Hound Story

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.

To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was.

While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him.

Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.

As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is.

One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 12:18 AM

That was AWFUL Uncle_DaveO. *Big Grin*

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 07:02 PM

LOL! SO worth the read!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 09:42 PM

Love it, Uncle DaveO!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: alanabit
Date: 16 Apr 08 - 03:17 AM

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the next race, and it won again.

The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

Next day the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted headline read:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10 euros.

The day after the headline read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10 EUROS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he Ordered the nun to buy back
The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild.

The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 12:44 PM

WHY GOD MADE MOMS         
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work and work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power, 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?   (I really like this one!)
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair.. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get RID of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mooh
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 06:30 AM

How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two. One to hold the bulb and the others to drink until the room spins.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 07:26 AM

A patient absconded from a mental institution and made his way to the local town where he entered the laundrette. Whilst in there he raped two women and then propmptly ran off. The headlines in the paper the following day:-


Nut screws washers and bolts!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 08:32 PM

"Running a Business"

There was this man who, many years ago,
worked for a large business. That was his
lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy
there. He wanted to go in business for
himself. He saved his money and finally
had enough that he could quit and start his
own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and
was going through the town where his
business was located. I stopped by for a
visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year
is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we
are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting
to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think
about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't
matter which twelve hours you work."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 09:21 PM

I think the internet is bad for the development of humor

look at this!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 10:00 PM

Now look Bill, dont get your muds wordled!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 08:57 AM

That one was on Mudcat as a Shaggy Hound Story... I laughed quite a lot, unfortunately!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 05:12 PM

I do have to add that Uncle Dave always has a well-crafted version of a joke. His shaggy hound story caught my interest, as it 'developed' the idea well, instead of being compressed down to a 10 second sound bite, like several of those in the link.

I like those stories even better when they don't require some odd, contrived name like "Mace" to make the pun.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,RIch
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 05:35 PM

A scientist invents a headband that will allow her to hear the thoughts of people just by looking at them. She's been working in the lab for months and now, with success at hand, she decides she deserves a night out. She goes to the local bar and finds that a band is playing there. She can't help but to try out her new headband. FIrst she looks at the guitar player and hears "Man, check me out. Every girl in the bar is hanging on every note I play!" Then the pianist. "He's sure impressed with himself. I do more with one hand." The drummer, "I'm doing all the work and everyone pays attention to the guitar!"

The bassist, "C...G...C...G"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 12:02 AM

"don't require some odd, contrived name like "Mace""

Mace would seem like a pretty good name for a Pit Bull Terrier...

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 08:22 AM

Amazing simple home remedies:



1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.



2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.



3. Avoid arguments with the ladies about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.



7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.




Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 09:49 AM

A variant on Guest Rich's joke:

Q: How many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'm not sure...One?...Five?...One?...Five?...One?...Five?...

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 10:46 PM

99, 100, Change Threads!


:-)