BS: Any New Jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Li'l Aussie Bleeder.
Date: 25 Dec 03 - 02:42 PM

Two snakes making their way across the desert. one snake says "Hey Barry are we venomous?" Barry says "Yeah, why?" 1st snake says "I dust bit my tongue!!!!!!

Merry Chrithmath all
L

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Dec 03 - 08:05 AM

Bush Has Tea With the Queen

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Big Mick
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 07:48 PM

With apologies to the master of the pun, El Punster Gigante, Senor Art Thieme.

TRIP TO THE DENTIST

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 09:09 PM

He...Darlin' I sure would to have a little pussy.

She...Me too, mine's as big as a barn.

eheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 09:20 PM

A couple had been married for twenty years and were having their anniversary dinner when suddenly the man burst out crying.
"Why, darling, whatever is the matter?"
"You remember back in 1983 when your daddy, the sherrif, caught us screwing in the barn?'
"Yes, darling."
"And he said that I would marry you or go to jail for twenty years?"
"Yes, darling, why do you ask?"
At this response the man bawled uncontrollably,
"I would be getting out today!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 01:58 PM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't tink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 04:13 PM

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

      "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."

      "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My
wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her
about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 04:16 PM

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nemesis
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 06:29 PM

As it's Christmas :)
FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE SEASON
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates. "
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols
..............

George Bush was at Buckingham Palace during his State visit taking tea with the Queen: "Ma'am, I'm thinking maybe as President that I should change the way America is referred to - I thought about maybe calling it a Kingdom?"
Queen: "Well, that wouldn't be possible because Kingdoms have to have a King as Head of State and you're not a King".

Dubya thought for a bit: "How about a Principality - could I call the US a Prinicipality?"
Queen: "Again, no Mr Bush ... a Principality has a Prince as Head of State"
Dubya: "Well, mebbe an Empire - I could call it an Empire!"
Queen: "Empires have an Emperor in charge .. so you couldn't call it an empire. IN fact" She said in a queenly manner, " I think under the circumstances the United States is best referred to as a country"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 08:53 PM

Q: Why wasn't anyone surprised that Saddam Hussein was found in a spider hole?


A: Because he's an Iraqnid!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 01:01 PM

"Would you like a ticket for The Policeman's Ball?"

"I'm sorry, I don't dance."

"It's not a dance, it's a raffle!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 03:48 PM

An accordion player and a banjo player are hired to play together on New Year's Eve. At the end of the party, the guy who hired them says, "You guys were great. You want to play for me again next New Year's Eve?"

The banjo player says, "Sure. Can we leave our stuff?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Jan 04 - 11:02 AM

Wife is making coffee, husband walks by & pinches her behind and says, If you could firm that up, we could get rid of your girdle. She says nothing. Next morning as he walks by, he pinches her breast. He says if you could firm that up, we could get rid of your bra. She suddenly grabs his penis and says If you could firm this up, we could get rid of the pool man, the gardener and your brother!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 08:18 AM

Subject: Fw: Women Drivers .........


Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over
to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per
hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she
was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between
my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing
me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my
shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL



F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Johnny in OKC
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 03:01 AM

LOTTERY

A bandleader won the State Lottery. A TV crew showed up
at his house to deliver the check for $850,000 and get an
interview. "What are your plans for all that money?" they asked.

"I've always loved music, so I'm just going to stay
in the band business until all the money is gone."