BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!

Subject: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 09:47 AM

Ahoy, me hearties! Argh ye aware that CBS launching a new reality series May 31 titled "Pirate Master"? This show will air through the summer at 8 pm Thursdays. Here's the brief:

On "Pirate Master" 16 contestants will live aboard a 179-foot (well, actually the copy read "179-food" LOL), square-rigged barque (well, the mizzen mast on a barque isn't square-rigged but what the heck). Over the course of 33 days they'll live as buccaneers (first class, of course), traveling around a Caribbean island in search of a treasure totalling $1 million (which island?). Each episode will find the contestants gathering at a Pirate Court where they'll state their case and somebody will be cut adrift (walk the plank?).

Hopefully, there will be a core crew of real sailors to manage the barque or the whole series may be scuttled in the first episode.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: artbrooks
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 09:55 AM

Aaaaarrrrgg!!!

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 09:56 AM

And that's a "reality" series, Charley? Wow, I've come across nothing like that in my world, d'ya reckon I live a sheltered life?

Will they be singing any shanties? I'd just love to hear them!

I just thought - will the 16 contestants be all male, or will reality be stretched further?

(God, I'm in a finicky mood today...!)

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 10:09 AM

George-

I'm sure that at least 8 of them will be women wanabe pirates, discretely attired in fishnet stockings and leather mini-skirts and vests.

One wonders if by the end of the show they'll still have all of their "parts." You know, you can't be a pirate with all of your parts!

Argggh, indeed,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 10:10 AM

Why would reality be stretched if there were female crew? At least two pirates were women, Anne Bonney being one. I can't recall the other at the moment.

Besides... if folk song tradition is right, at least one of those handsome cabin boys is packing a little something extra (or not!)...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 11:12 AM

Liz-

You were trying to come up with Anne's partner Mary Reed. There were several others mentioned in historical accounts, and probably a few more that slipped past the historians' scruntiny. But most of the pirates were big hairy men, with missing parts! Here's a little verse to prove this point:

There once was a pirate named Gates,
Who used to do battle on skates;
But he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
An' practically useless on dates!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: artbrooks
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 11:25 AM

The mind boggles when one tries to imagine the parts that these lady pirates could be missing, and the potential replacements - the end of close dancing as we know it!

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 11:36 AM

Sailing around the Carribean there's a chance of meeting with some real-life pirates. An RPG has a way of making Reality Television really real!

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 12:08 PM

HaHa! What fun...better than pioneer house on PBS, or whatever it was called.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 01:25 PM

Hey, my wife's cousin was building consultant on that PBS show!

Well, the originals DID vote to maroon....

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Jean(eanjay)
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 01:38 PM

Well they're good sports - unless the reward, for whoever is left at the end, is the $1 million dollars. I just hope they remember the seasickness tablets.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 03:55 PM

Will they have flogging and keelhauling? I might watch if they have flogging and keelhauling.

And will they have to carrom the boat?

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 04:04 PM

It's really a pity that they've finished the filming. Wouldn't it have been wonderful to have organized a raid, captured the barque, cut the cable, and slipped away into the night!

Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of Rum! (make mine old Port Royal, please!)

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 10:05 PM

I remember the rules from my own pirating days! Lessee: first you plunder and loot and THEN you burn the town or sink the ship, and not the other way around.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:02 AM

Rapaire-

Don't we have discussion first and then vote?

Poor old Calico Jack will be turning in his grave.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 09:07 AM

Oh, I meant AFTER we call a pre-Boarding Meeting meeting, and then have a Boarding Meeting, and then break the crew down into the various committees and focus groups. After the Environmental Impact Statement has been approved we have the Action Meeting and vote on what to do, taking into account the wishes of the minority, ADA access, the public relations impact, OSHA requirements, and the possibility of litigation.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 10:33 PM

Rapaire-

Sounds like a plan!

Would you be willing to be group facilitator?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 10:40 PM

Hey did you get a chance to see the tall ships tour back in the 80's?

I spent years building model tall ships and dreaming of sailing a large masted ship.

For me, seeing Master and Commander was a breath of vicarious heaven.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 10:43 PM

Why, yes, but first we need a Mission Statement and a Vision Statement. Would you be good enough to run the Mission and Vision Statements Committees?

Donuel, I saw them in 1976.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Skivee
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 12:16 AM

Donuel
The tall ships are still touring. Several of them make frequent trips around the Atlantic seaboards in gatherings by the OpSail organization and Tallships.
There will be a large gathering in Norfolk during the second week of June. About 25 tallships will be in port as part of Harborfest and the Jamestown 400th anniversery celebration.
It's only about 3 hours from your home. You should go see them.
My band will be playing there, as we have for more than 10 years.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 09:33 AM

Rapaire-

Here are some initial results of my research:

Pirate's Code of Conduct

On board the Revenge, captained by John Phillips

Articles

1.        Every man shall obey civil command: the Captain shall have one full share and a half in all prizes: the master, carpenter, boatswain and gunner shall have one share and a quarter.

2.        If any man shall offer to run away or keep and secret from the company, he shall be marooned, with one bottle of powder, one bottle of water, one small arm and shot.

5.        That man that shall strike another whilst these articles are in force shall receive Moses' Law (that is 40 strikes lacking one) on the bare back.

7.        That a man that shall not keep his arms clean, fit for an engagement, or neglect his business, shall be cut off from his share, and suffer such other punishment as the captain and company shall think fit.

Rules

1.        Every man has a vote in affairs of moment: has equal title to the fresh provisions or strong liquors at any time seized, and (may) use them at pleasure unless a scarcity make it necessary for the good of all to vote a retrenchment.

2.        If they have defrauded the Company to the value of a dollar, in plate, jewels or money, marooning was the punishment. If robbery was only between one another they contented themselves with slitting the ears and nose of him that was guilty, and set him on shore, not in an inhabited place but somewhere he was sure to encounter hardships.

3.        No person to game at cards or dice for money.

4.        The lights and candles to be put out at eight o'clock at night. If any of the crew after that hour still remained inclined to drinking, they were to do so on the open deck.

5.        To keep their piece, pistols and cutlass clean and fit for service.

6.        No boy or woman to be allowed among them. If any man were found seducing any of the latter sex, and carried her to sea disguised, he was to suffer Death.

7.        To desert the ship or their quarters in battle was punished by Death or Marooning.

8.        No striking another on board, but every man's quarrels to be ended on shore, at sword and pistol.

9.        No man to talk of breaking up their way of living till each had a share of 1000 pounds. If in order to do this, any man shall lose a limb or become a cripple in service, he was to have 800 dollars out of the public stock, and for lesser hurts proportionately.

10.        The musicians to have rest on the Sabbath day, but the other six days and nights none, without special favour.

I'm particularly fascinated by rule 10!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 09:39 AM

I think that they overlooked a rule about having candles or other lights in the powder magazine(s). Otherwise, it could be a short trip.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: EBarnacle
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 09:40 AM

Let's sign articles and go, lads. I'll supply my own swords.
Peeea [It's like Arrgh--but missin' a leg.]

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 09:51 AM

I get to be the President and CEO! (This is, after all, the 21st Century). May I suggest KPMG for the auditors?

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 09:51 AM

We'll also need a logo and a plan for advertising....

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 10:36 AM

We should probably discuss Rule 6 in more detail, although there may be some wisdom to this rule. We had a similar "incest prohibition" rule in our old housing co-op in Lansing, Michigan. It didn't work but it was much admired!

With regard to potential sponsors, I'd be willing to approach Shipyard Brewery in Portland, Maine. Here's a link to their website if you'd like a free sample of their product: Bottoms up!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 12:35 PM

We're a little bit, but not too much, landlocked here. But I'm willing to be a River Pirate -- I grew up on the Upper River (there's only ONE!) and I'm quite familiar with River Pirates.

Here, I'll prove it with a true story:

The wreckers were out.
        It had been a long time, too, since they had lured steamboats and barges and big motorboats to the shoals and rocks of Triangle Lake. But they were again plying their deadly trade on stormy nights and nobody seemed to be able to catch them.
        Everyone knew how it was done. How a barge, trying for the shelter of Quincy Bay would see through storm-blinded eyes what would seem to be the lights of other boats rocking gently at anchor. And how the storm-tossed barge would turn towards those beckoning lights, hit the rocks and split open, spilling its cargo into the river where it would wash ashore and into the hands of the wreckers.
        The lights of the anchored boats were really lanterns tied to horses, and the horses were then led over gently ground. Seen during a storm it was remarkably deceptive, and lots of rivermen and -women were killed when the wreckers wrecked their craft.
        We had heard about the wreckers, of course. Everyone had. We even talked about them during recess at school. But we were kids, after all, and we were more concerned about our history project.
        I was taking history, Tony was taking history, Ted was taking history. Martha was taking herstory, so she didn't have a project due. But we did, and since it happened that we were all studying the Middle Ages at the same time we decided to do one big project instead of three little ones. Our teachers agreed, as long as we said who did what.
        We talked about lots of things. Ted wanted to build a motte and bailey, but we couldn't find a good place. Tony wanted to make chain mail, but he found that the stamps cost too much. I wanted to illuminate manuscripts, but I looked and looked and couldn't find the right light bulbs for it.
        So after much thought and discussion and reading and arguing and cogitation and arguing and research and arguing we decided to build a trebuchet.
        Most people don't know what a trebuchet is. They confuse it with a ballista or an onager and really get mixed up. And one guy tried to tell us that a trebuchet was something used in mining! Ted told him that he didn't know his trebuchet from a hole in the ground!
        In case you've been confused by people who don't know, a trebuchet is what people in the Middle Ages used to throw heavy rocks a long distance. They did this to try to destroy castle walls (trebuchets weren't used much from inside castles, only from the outside).
        A trebuchet was a long pole mounted in a frame so that it tilted. One end was very close to the pivot point and the other far away. A big, heavy weight, like a bunch of rocks in a basket, were mounted to the short end of the pole. A basket was put at the end of the long part of the pole. The pivot was high up, so when the basket end was down the weight was up high. Rocks or burning logs or maybe dead horses were loaded into the basket. When the rope holding the basket down was released the long end went up while the short, weighted, end went down. When the short end hit the ground the stuff in the basket on the long end went flying off to hit a castle wall or something.
        Ballistae (it's a Latin word) and onagers worked completely differently. You could say that the trebuchet was the long-range artillery of the Middle Ages.
        And we were going to make one!
        Mom said that we could design it at home, but it we were going to make a full-sized, operating trebuchet we had to do it elsewhere. She suggested that we make it so it could be taken apart and moved around, which seemed to be a good idea.
        Naturally, we decided to build it in the Swamp. There were lots of advantages to that, the biggest being that if it didn't work nobody else would know. If it did work we could take it to school and demonstrate it by flinging something heavy.
        Of course, it took several weekends to build, but by the end of October we were ready for a real test.
        It was a day of sometimes rain and sometime nice, that Saturday. Ted and I took our raincoats and Tony had an umbrella. The sky to the northwest was very dark and lightning could sometimes be seen. We wondered if we'd get caught in a thunderstorm, but Tony said that storms to the north would pass us by.
        It was early afternoon when we reached our trebuchet. We pulled off the branches and stuff that we used to hide it and with a lot of work dragged it out to the middle of a clearing.
        "Woof!" said Tony. "That's really heavy."
        "Yeah," agreed Ted and I.
        But there it stood, its twenty-five foot long throwing arm tilted towards the sky.
        We jumped up and grabbed the rope attached to the basket end -- the light, long end -- and pulled it down until it touched the ground. We tied it to a tree and took a rest.
        We discussed what to throw: Ted wanted to throw a bunch of rocks, I wanted to throw some old car parts we'd found, and Tony wanted to throw Ted. We talked Tony out of it, and he agreed with both of us: toss some of each.
        So we gathered some rocks and some old car gears and kept looking at the storm clouds.
        "I guess," observed Tony, " that they're really getting it on the river."
        "Yeah," I agreed. "I wonder if the wreckers and working today?"
        "I hope that if they are they get caught," said Ted. "There's lots of sheriff's deputies and state police and FBI guys and Quincy police and all out looking for those bums!"
        While we were talking we were moving rocks and stuff near the trebuchet. We planned more than one shot!
        Then it happened. One of us -- nobody ever remembered who -- moved a rock and not one, not two, not three -- SIX skunks came out.
        "Oh boy," said Tony.
        "Oh, oh," observed Ted.
        "Oops!" I agreed.
        The skunks started walking toward us, and we backed away.
        "Nice skunky," said Tony.
        "Gooooood skunky," said Ted.
        "Ah, yeah, nice skunky," I said.
        "Err, what'll we do?" Tony asked.
        "I guess keep walking backwards and don't make any sudden moves," I answered.
        And we did. We backed over rocks and bushes and through stickers and places full of water and still the six skunks skulked slowly toward us.
        Ted finally tripped over the arm of the trebuchet. We were sure he was a goner, but he managed to scramble to his feet and keep backing away.
        And the six skulking skunks stepped onto the end of the throwing arm of the trebuchet.
        I don't to this day know why I did what I did next. Both Tony and Ted promised me lots of great things afterwards: money and cake and motorboats and ice cream and money and a real, new car and money and they said that they'd be forever in my debt, but they still haven't paid up.
        And all I did was grab the hatchet and cut the rope holding down the trebuchet's throwing arm.
        The first throw was a real stinker. The six skunks rose into the air on the end of the arm and when the weighted part stopped, off the skunks flew towards the stormy northwest. They flew so fast and so far and so high that we very soon couldn't see them at all.
        Unfortunately, when the big box of rocks we used for a weight hit the ground it broke. The rocks spilled out and the long throwing end, now heavier, fell back to the ground so hard that it broke.
        "You broke the trebuchet!" accused Ted.
        "Saved you from the scandalous stink of six skulking skunks, though," I replied.
        "Right!" said Tony. "We can always turn in our notes. We don't have time to make another trebuchet and we can just report on what we did. It should be worth an 'A'."
        "I wonder," I wondered, "what happened to those skunks?"
        "Probably gave someone a surprise," chortled Ted.
        "I wonder how far we flang 'em?" inquired Tony.
        "Just far enough, thanks to good old Mike. We'll always own him favors for saving us from a stinking," said Ted, and Tony heartily agreed.
        So we walked home, and since we were early we finished writing up our reports on the trebuchet and then helped Mom cook a great supper of car, calamari, catfish, carrots, cake, cauliflower and cool-aid.
        The late news announced the arrest of the wreckers. They had, as usual, been plying their nefarious trade in a humdinger of a storm. A barge loaded with gold dust, the Jezebel Z., was maneuvering closer and closer to the treacherous shoals of Triangle Lake.
        Suddenly the horses bolted when, according to the wreckers themselves, "it started a-rainin' skunks!" The captain of the barge saw the lights he assumed to be in a safe harbor suddenly toss and turn every which way and ordered his vessel back out to the main channel and safety.
        Foiled, the wreckers fled. Blinded by skunk fumes they ran right into the waiting police roadblocks. Arrested, tried and found guilty they were "hung in irons between the tides," the traditional penalty for piracy in Illinois.
        During the newscast Ted, Tony and I were really excited, jumping up and down and yelling "that's where they went!" and "great distance!" Mom asked us to please tell her what it was all about, but we looked at each other and told her the truth: that she'd never, ever believe us.

Subject: RE: BS: PIRATE MASTER Outward Bound!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 10:33 PM

Dead skunk in the middle of the channel,
Dead skunk in the middle of the channel,
Dead skunk in the middle of the channel,
Fumed so high, he blackened the sky!

I believe,
I believe,
I believe!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble