BS: When your partner's mum/parent dies

Subject: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: GUEST,John
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 03:49 PM

What in God's name are you supposed to do???

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 03:50 PM

Support your partner mate. Just ask if she wants any help, tell her you're sorry, and just BE THERE.
G

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Peace
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 04:05 PM

Ditto what Giok said. Are YOU ok?

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 04:14 PM

Hold her/him. What Giok said. Be there, even if they say they don't need you. When it hits them, the enormity of the loss, be there with hugs, a quiet touch, a drive in the country, a look through old photos, etc, when they are ready. Don't be afraid to leave them alone, though. Do not try to push through the grief or make it seems as though they should be "over it" any time, soon. Society used to honour a whole year of mourning...it can take time and support of any kind is appreciated, usually. A quiet word, etc. would not be amiss.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Anne Lister
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 04:24 PM

Don't be afraid to talk about your own memories of her. Don't be afraid to show your own grief. Be there, give hugs when needed, strokes when needed, allow the tears on both sides to flow. Be prepared for the fact that the grief will never entirely go and anniversaries will be difficult times, as will some birthdays and some Christmasses.
We went through this four years ago - we still sometimes shed tears together.

Anne

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Peace
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 04:26 PM

As Anne said, "WE still sometimes shed tears together."

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: wysiwyg
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 04:43 PM

Just relax about it, and ask what they need, and do those things that you can and that you know will help. Take care of the body-- the simple tasks like making food available, making sure water is taken in, make sure they get fresh air. When that's in order, take care of the mind-- listen to their talking, but also give them time to NOT talk/think about it, too. (That's all true whether it's a love partner, a business partner, or a cop partner, BTW.)

Lot of wisdom in a Bereavement thread we have around here, somewhere, too.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: skipy
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 04:52 PM

Just be there & don't hide your grief. Remember you are a victim too!
Be strong when your partner can't, but most of all just be there.
Skipy.
Did that make sense? I'm not sure, but I hope so, hard times ahead.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 05:08 PM

Yup. Be there. That's it. That is all you can do. Only time heals matters of the heart.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: maeve
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 05:08 PM

Here it is

When my dad died, my husband took time to hold me and to listen, then gave me back the gift of his favorite memories of my father. In some ways his memories of the conversations the two of them had in private gave me parts of my dad I'd never known.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: GUEST,Keep Talkin PAL!
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 06:46 PM

Nearest I got to this was a girlfriend's mother.
Having warned her of the problems before the fact, offered marriage so that mom could see her daughter wed (declined) and been told she knew how to deal with it having seen grandma decline I shut up.

Come the inevitable I was progressively squeezed-out until a third party noticed and hovered. After coming to the conclusion I was no longer of use to the lass I made my stand and asked for a decision in a week. No decision was declared so I decided I was obviously surplus to requirements. Only then did the import dawn on her and suddenly it opened her eyes.

We don't live together so if you are that domestic you dun gotta keep talkin. Get it said. If they weep all the time let it flow. If they hold it in find a way to uncork it. It can be forced but it nearly cost a lot in our case. And it cut pretty deep with me.

People deal with it in their own way - but that doesn't define if their way is beneficial (to themselves or to those around them).

As the Queen Mum said of loosing her Bertie "It doesn't get any better, you get better at it".

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 06:52 PM

Don't get caught smiling.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Sorcha
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 10:08 PM

When my husbands mother dies, I am going to be as much of a basket case as he will be. She has been the only mother I've had since '98 and I adore her. It's gonna be so damn hard.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Neil D
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 10:34 PM

Stay strong.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 03:57 AM

My partner lost his father earlier this year, it was hard. He ws there at the time, with his sister. I was there for him, to hold him and talk to him. We cried together, lots. I was there just to be with him when he wanted and I gave him space when he needed it too. We talked about memories and stories. All you can do is be there.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 03:57 AM

SHould read last year...not this year

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Cats
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 12:49 PM

Jon lost both his Mum and dad in the last 4 years. What do you do? All the above but also be aware that there are many practical things that have to be done. Someone has to be the level headed one that makes sure all the things get done at the right time and you are in a perfect position to help in a very supportive and loving way.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 14 Jan 08 - 05:51 AM

Maybe a change of title to partner's parent?

We lost my father in law last March, Manitas was never one to show his emotions much, but I hope he knows I was there and hurting too. I also hope he knows that in times of stress I make jokes... so comments about 'we lost my father in law - we checked down the back of the sofa' are just my way of dealing with things.

Your big danger is if you get so wrapped up in how your partner is coping, you don't deal with your own grief. Your partners' biggest danger is that they could so easily get distracted by how their remaining (if there is one) parent is managing, that they also don't deal with their own grief. If you are a strong, close family, then it helps a great deal, you'll be able to cry and grieve together, but you'll be able to remember, to smile and to laugh too, without upsetting people.   If, like part of my family, you're not so close, then I found that just trying to be sensible, making sure people had nourishment and not inflaming any past family feuds were the best ways to go.

It's a special sort of person who can just be in the same house but not fuss or flap as a bereaved partner... but sometimes it's what they need.

Don't worry about feeling like a spare part... some people go into practical overdrive as a defence mechanism. Just be there to pick up the bits later.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: maeve
Date: 14 Jan 08 - 08:12 AM

Guest, John- So how are the two of you doing? You've gotten some good support here. I hope it's been helpful.

Best wishes,

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum dies
From: M.Ted
Date: 14 Jan 08 - 01:43 PM

This is a time when a family is pushed to it's limits--and a lot of what's underneath, both good and bad, can come out. Stay low key and supportive,and be ready with whatever seems in order, from kleenex and sympathy, to a broom and wrecking bar--

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum/parent dies
From: open mike
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 01:07 AM

Elizabeth Kubler Ross has the best advice around passing away.
There is a process of grief that has been described and recognized..
It starts with Denial, then moves into Anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance ...there may be some comforting information found if you google Elizabeth Kubler Ross...

here is an often quoted poem.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum/parent dies
From: maeve
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 05:32 PM

Refreshing for Guest John or anyone else in need...

Subject: RE: BS: When your partner's mum/parent dies
From: Big Phil
Date: 16 Jan 08 - 07:23 AM

Time heals, memories linger, we wll never forget.

Phil*