BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one

Subject: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 07:23 PM

Not sure who all might fit in the category, but I do know this was Andrea/Mouldy's first Christmas without Ian, who if you recall, was lost in a mine explosion in Russia this past year.

Andrea, I've had you on my mind all day. Hope the children and friends and other family made it special for you all despite the huge absence. I am sure Ian would be proud of you; you have been so full of courage and love. I admire you, greatly and only hope I could be so full of grace under similar circumstances.

Much love to all who have lost and/or are lonely,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Bobert
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 08:58 PM

My late wife, Judy, died, Oct. 2, 1996, just a couple moths before Christmas...

Yeah, Christmas's can be very lonely...

Her favorite Chistmas candle was/is three angels... Yeah, I don't make a big deal about it being Judy's with the P-Vine... Might of fact I don't say anything about it but every Christmas I find a place for the 3-angel candle that is special...

Yeah, life does go on... So do memories...

Now, please, let's just keep this here... The P-Vine, I love her to pieces, but she doesn't come here and read this stuff so I'd like to just go on bringing out that 3 angel candle for the rest of my life...

Okay???

Life gets complicated at times...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: GUEST,jeffp, at my parents' house
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 10:47 PM

It's very difficult, even when you are together with another, to fully enjoy the holidays after a major loss. The hurt eventually lessens to the point that you can endure it, but it never goes away entirely.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Padre
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 11:01 PM

During Advent, I have been conducting a series of discussions/forums on dealing with loss over the holidays. Our local nursing home asked me to develop the series because a number of the new residents were agonizing over being in a facility rather than with their families, and many had recently lost a spouse or other family member.

One of the most often asked questions was 'how do you celebrate a family-oriented holiday with member(s) of the family not there?' My suggestion was to pick one (and generally not more than one) special tradition, and try to keep it, even if you are in a nursing home. For example, have other members of the family bring you a favorite ornament to put on a small tree in your room. Or if there is a special dessert item, get a member of the family to make it,and bring it to the resident.

Padre

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 11:58 PM

Thanks, fellahs. I appreciate your sharing.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: My guru always said
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 04:32 AM

Thanks for this katdarling! Loved ones lost have been on my mind too, mine (parents long ago and a brother this year) and also others who have lost partners. With treasured memories they are not truly lost but the gap they leave with us is impossible to fill. My thoughts are with those who have lost and I have a candle burning for them.

Padre, lovely idea about the special tradition, thanks!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: GUEST,LTS pretending to work
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 05:16 AM

It's the first without my father-in-law Bob, who was the life and soul of any party, and who I miss more than my own father who's been gone for 9 years rather than the 9 months that Bob has.

We took Christmas dinner to my mother-in-law's house and did it there - I loved having a bigger kitchen to play in! Boxing Day was equally full, with all the in-laws coming over at some point, except the one who is in St Helena. Hopefully, that's the worst of it over, we did give her a couple of hours to herself yesterday, and she seemed to be coping well... I must admit to having a few wobbly minutes... especially when we were given a picture of them on their wedding day. I'm going to save my tradition for New Years Eve, when I can think of what it might be.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Cats
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 06:02 AM

Jon lost his Dad this year and on our tree we had two decorations which had hung on his parents tree. So, whenever we see them we can smile and know that the love goes on.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 06:51 AM

we all remember and dearly miss Colin Kemp who died this September, he is probably Santa's best helper this year-and my dear friend Hazel's father died too many years ago today, but I know how much she misses him- God bless them all.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Morticia
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 06:53 AM

Pixie and I have a bit of a wobble every Christmas, her dad loved this holiday so much that you can't not think about him and remember him.That said, I smile a lot when I think of him too, specially the year he got stuck in the attic ringing 'sleigh bells' and had to wait until I had got two excited little ones to sleep before I could extract him, half frozen and with cramps.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 07:34 AM

It has long been our family tradition that wherever we are on Christmas day we raise a glass to loved ones and absent friends including any who are no longer with us. This year there were a few more to remember (four good friends have gone this year including Ian and ColK). When you lose someone very close like a partner or parent that whole year is a series of firsts; birthdays, anniversaries etc but Christmas seems to be the pinnacle. I know Andrea will have her family with her this Christmas and, since she is maintaining the traditional post Christmas party, her friends will also be seeing her through. If she hasn't already read this I will direct her to it when we see her later today so that she knows we are all thinking of her and anyone else who finds themselves without their loved ones this Christmas.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: maeve
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 08:57 AM

We put out my dad's beautiful woven paper stars and talk about him. We haven't figured out how to talk about our babies. It still hurts too much, but we're trying. Thanks kat!

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Wesley S
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 09:17 AM

It's not just the first year that's tough - it's all of them. Many of you know that we lost an infant son Patrick just a few days before Christmas. So a holiday based on the birth of a baby boy can bring up sad memories every year. Esp when they're singing about "sleep in heavenly peace". Patricks twin brother Brendan just turned 7 and lost his first tooth. So we celibrate what we can - and remember what we have to. And just deal with it the best we can. And hope we don't run into any families with twin boys.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: MaineDog
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 09:19 AM

I did that this year.
Christmas Eve I did two separate church gigs, with good Chineese food in between.
Christmas day I put on the Messiah and sang along with as much as I could, then took the canine MaineDog swimming. I got a gift of good smelly fire-starters from LL Bean, so I made a fire in the wood stove, and enjoyed Christmas on my own terms. It was, at times, actually almost fun. Not having to deal with mountains of used wrapping paper was definitely fun.
MD

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 10:02 AM

Thanks, Mrs. Duck. I was going to send her an email.

Thanks to you all for sharing.


{{{{{HUGS}}}} to all.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Becca72
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 10:17 AM

This was the first christmas without my mother, who died in February. She and I had a very strained relationship over the years and I was much less affected then my sisters and niece and nephews.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: folk1e
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 05:59 PM

Ten years ago my Dad died (in my arms) on Christmas eve! That Christmas did not go too well! I still miss him (and probably always will)! Our house is no longer full for Christmas, we used to sit 10 down to dinner, but people move away and move on. I came to terms with it fairly quickly but my mum still "goes away" for Christmas as she can't stand the celebration any more. The older you get the more likely this is to happen, and if you do not have low sections of life how can you appreciate the good bits?
Love and Peace to you all!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 06:11 PM

My identical twin died in utero right around Christmas, and it's always a hard time of year for me because I remember it-- all of it.

Thanks, Kat. At this time of year we're pastoring the ones around us who've lost folks and I forget about us. Hardi always misses his Dad especially, as well; he's several years gone. He deals with it by giving his mom extra time and attention around the holidays. My sis in law almost lost her dad (Bill) this week, but he's recovering now from an emergency quintuple bypass so he's very much in our thoughts as is the sis in law. (((Bill's family))) She and Hardi's brother drove west to see him (through the past week's horrific upper-Midwest storms), and they'll have to drive right back in a few days with their 3-year-old... we hope for safe travel.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: maeve
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 06:13 PM

Wesley S is correct, the pain continues beyond the first year. I can draw on many good memories of my father, and speak about him to others who knew him. What does one do in coming to terms with the prebirth death of our infants? Christmas, New Year, birthdays, Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter; all times and seasons are reminders, without a way to express those losses. It may indeed be an error for me to mention it here.

My prayers for you all posting here are for your pain to ease, and for your joys to increase.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: mouldy
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 04:17 AM

Hi folks!

I'm surviving remarkably well, apart from a couple of glitches.
The run up to the day was worse than the day itself, I found. Part of this was due to my habit of always anticipating the worst scenario! I got back from church on Christmas Eve just before midnight, and sat for a while on my own after Ruth went to bed - and cried. Ian never went to church, but I always returned home (or to the pub) to be with him.
The following morning, which I was dreading, as nobody opened presents until Ian was ready, turned out ok. Eleanor and her husband arrived, and then we found out she'd left the giblet bag in the turkey. This had been in the oven about 30 mins. So I drove her home to remedy this, then just as we had got back here and settled down for the opening session, Alex skyped from New Zealand, where he now lives. By the time we eventually started, it was with one eye on the clock. The meal was over at Eleanor's with her in-laws, and was one big happy squeeze. Being different to what we're used to, it was good. Then we went back here, the neighbours came round for the evening, and we played board games.
On Boxing day, Ruth and I went down to Farnsfield as usual, to the Red Lion session. This was a bit weird, without Ian, but I was ok until somebody sang Fiddler's Green, then I went off kilter in front of the whole pub. (This was sung after some of Ian and Jim McCaffery was scattered in the sea at Whitby). Apart from that the day went ok, even after going to our friends' house as normal after the session. (We hadn't met up since the funeral).

As Mrs Duck has mentioned, the party was on as usual. We had a good number of people come, too. I had got an almost life sized upper half cardboard cut-out of Ian made, and he stood guard over the barrel all night, just as he used to do, in the midst of his drinking buddies. As I write this, I am still not dressed, and have a fair amount of clearing up to do when I can be bothered. I also have a bit of a headache, and I only had a small beer - such is the way my body reacts to alcohol.

Christmas will always be the hardest one for me, because it was the only time I could absolutely guarantee he'd be around. Other times of year were likely on a fairly regular basis, but not always, depending on his work pattern. Most days I tick along quite normally, because, in one sense, things are still the same. Then every now and then I get a reality check, and it really hurts.

Enough about my sadness. There are many others for whom the grief is newer, and much more raw. Bereavement is happening to somebody, somewhere all the time, and death takes no account of what time of year it is, and who else gets affected.
However, I am expecting my first grandchild, out in NZ, on or about the anniversary of Ian's death. That would make the day very poignant. I pointed this out to my son, who just replied, "Circle of life, mum". Ian's gone, and nothing will bring him back. Yet somehow, a little bit of him is going to be reborn in March!

Andrea

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: My guru always said
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 05:24 AM

Thanks for letting us know how things are with you Andrea!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: mouldy
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 07:43 AM

Little addendum - got off the computer, remembered what day of the week it was, and went to a funeral.

It was an old lady of 88, who had been ill for some years. I knew her a little through our church and through delivering meals to her for a while. The priest was Mike, one of the guys who took Ian's funeral, and he'd had a request from the family to light up the Christmas candles in the church (didn't do all of them, as there's over 100, but there were still about 70 lit). We sang carols, also at the request of the family. Of course, I shed a few tears in memory of Ian, but it just underlines what I said - there are many more whose grief journey is only just beginning.

Andrea xx

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: kendall
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 09:00 AM

What Jeffp said.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: artbrooks
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 09:36 AM

Jenn's mom and my dad both died this year. They had both been quite ill for a long time, and everyone (including them) were really prepared, but it was still a wrench when it finally happened. We miss them, both as they were when they died and as the very different people they had been during various stages of our lives.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 11:01 PM

My mother died 26 years ago this past April. My father died 57 years ago this past June. My wife's father died a year ago this past July, hospitalized immediately after returning home from his one and only trip to visit us in Idaho.

It doesn't get easier, but you carry the memories on your walk.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: MaineDog
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:18 PM

Today I moved my computer out of the cold basement, and now its perched on top of the disused sewing machine table. I consider this a milestone in recovery, as I am beginning to realize that I no longer must maintain museums or monuments to all my departed relatives. I know that Gail's children will object to some of these changes ("What did you do with Mom's widget?!!?"), but they have had ample time to reclaim whatever they wanted, and now I can use the space.
MD

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: maeve
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:53 PM

MaineDog- That is indeed another step in living. Well done. That's such a large part of healthy grieving, don't you think; reinventing life without the Loved One by your side. I'm learning some of that as well. Thank you.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:58 PM

They are always part of you, just not present physically.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st holiday without a special loved one
From: maeve
Date: 03 Jan 08 - 01:11 PM

That's right, Rapaire.


Often enough to be a comfort, I'll see an unknown-to-me wildflower, only to hear my dad's voice from back when I was 2 and 3, telling me the name. Memory is a grand gift. I still reach for the 'phone to tell my dad what's blooming most beautifully in the garden. Sometimes my mother likes to hear those things I'd have told my dad...Helps us both.

maeve