BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'

Subject: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 02:59 PM

I get spam all the time about this, implying that I will be awash in delighted female company if I only contact the spammers and enlist their aid in acquiring a much bigger tractor. LOL! What a crock!

Women don't leave a man because the other man has a "bigger tractor". That's total mythology. No woman has ever left a man to find another man with a bigger tractor. They leave because they want to find a man who is NICER and MORE FUN and LESS BORING and MORE HONEST and more EMOTIONALLY COMMUNICATIVE!!!!!!!!! Also, sometimes, they want to find a man who is more responsible, a better wage earner, more reliable, and stuff like that. It can get complicated, but it's never about a bigger tractor. NEVER. Basically, ANY tractor will do providing it's not being driven by a total jerk, a loser, a lunatic, or an idiot. ;-)

So many men believe this "bigger tractor" bullshit will save them, though, that the sales of giant tractors have reached record levels. I know this for sure, because I get at least 20 emails a day telling me how I can get a bigger tractor!

Hell, I saw this guy go by on a tractor yesterday and the damn thing was so huge that it took up both lanes on the local 2-lane highway. He had to have a police escort just to drive it home. Now it will sit in his driveway and rust. What a fool.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:05 PM

Well, that's the Canadians for you. They'll believe 'most anything.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:05 PM

Bravo, Little Hawk! Tractors are nice, and perhaps even essential, but the driver makes the difference between keeping it or hunting for a newer model. Always.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: gnu
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:08 PM

EMOTIONALLY COMMUNICATIVE!!!!!!!!! Okay.

Ebbie. Hehehehehe.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Wesley S
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:12 PM

From Kenny Chesney: "She thinks my tractor's sexy"


Plowing these fields in the hot summer sun
Over by the gate lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken and a big cold jug of sweet tea
I make a little room and she climbs on up
Open up a throttle and stir a little dust
Just look at her face she ain't a foolin me

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy

We ride back and forth until we run out of light
Take it to the barn put it up for the night
Climb up in the loft sit and talk with the radio on
She said she's got a dream and I asked what it is
She wants a little farm and a yard full of kids
One more teeny weeny ride before take her home

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy

Well she ain't into cars or pick up trucks
But if it runs like a Deere man her eyes light up

She thinks my tractor's....

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy

She thinks my tractor's sexy
She thinks my tractor's sexy

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:25 PM

...so....maybe I missed something years ago when that lady invited me to a 'tractor pull' and I declined?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Riginslinger
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 04:34 PM

It's never too late!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 04:36 PM

If you leave the tractor out in the rain-- does it grow, or shrink? Besides rusting, I mean.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Peace
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 04:41 PM

Depends on the size of the field ya gotta plow, no?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 04:44 PM

Well, well...guess what just showed up in my email inbox in the last half hour:

...from some spammer who calls himself by the extremely unlikely name "soon Rach":

You're right to be ashamed if your tractor is tiny, but know this - YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!

Just look at the sly psychological ploys in that email! "You're right to be ashamed..." (!)   Yeah, uh-huh. Sure. Oh, the SHAME of having been equipped with a tiny tractor! Oh! What if people should find out???

*****

Rapaire, I know that like all Idahoites you are consumed with envy of all that is Canadian, so I forgive you your insensitive remarks above. Heh! ;-) Look, I could send you some maple syrup or something, and you'll feel better, eh? We Canadians are happy to share.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Rowan
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:02 PM

Which reminds me of

FERGIE TRACTOR
Peter Pentland, [e-mail]
from the album "Me Beaut Little Fergie Tractor"

Well I owns a few acres, pays a few quid rent,
And I overcome troubles where they be sent.
Be it rain, or drought, or some other factor,
I take it in stride on me Fergie tractor.

Ch:
Oh, me beaut little Fergie tractor,
Bedad, she goes like the clappers!
I can plough me fields, increase me yields.
Even comes with a silage extractor.
Me beaut little Fergie tractor.

Oh, me Fergie, she's a wondrous machine.
Love to sniff her exhaust, 'cause she always runs clean.
There's no machine I e'er took a jack ta
As few times as me Fergie tractor.

Oh, me wife was naggin' at me for years,
Her tongue always flappin' around me ears.
She nagged at me, me dog, and me farm,
So I run over her on me Fergie-son.

Oh, I once had a milkmaid workin' for me,
And the material of her blouse, it filled me with glee.
She winked at me, but I had to sack her,
'Cause although she liked me she hated me tractor.

Well, some folks say that I'm an idiot,
And if light bulbs were brains I'd burned out me filament,
But people like that I just turn me back ta,
And I goes in me shed and I sits on me tractor.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Wesley S
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:02 PM

Everyone knows that tractors are bigger here in the USA. And the biggest ones are right here in Texas.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Bobert
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:07 PM

My tractor don't take up two lanes but...

...it'll get things done that that big sumabich can only dream about...

No brag, just fact...

B;)

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: gnu
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:23 PM

Wesley... hahahahahaha... I got tears runnin down my cheeks! Good un!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:28 PM

Another tractor spam in:

"Keep her on it all night...."


Ridiculous. Most women have no interest in riding tractors anyway, let alone in the dark! Besides, think of the monthly costs in fuel! And how are you supposed to enjoy her company if she's out chugging around the fields all night?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Peace
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:31 PM

Chugging? Never heard it called that before.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:35 PM

I think you need Tone Deaf Leopard's song about the tractor that won't start and needs cranking by hand.....

Subject: Lyr Add: Stupid Texas Song
From: pdq
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:48 PM

Stupid Texas Song

Texas is a big state, North to South and East to West
Alaska doesn't really count, we're bigger than the rest
You can waltz across it, though, so grab your yellow rose
And sing another song of Texas--this is how it goes:
One more stupid song about Texas,
For miles and miles it rambles on
Biggest egos, biggest hair, biggest liars anywhere,
Let's sing another stupid Texas song
By God we're so darn proud to be from Texas--yahoo!
Even of our pride we're proud and we're proud of that pride, too
Our pride about our home state is the proudest pride indeed,
And we're proud to be Americans, until we can secede

One more stupid song about Texas,
You've heard it all before so sing along
Biggest belt buckles and boasts, love that big old Texas toast,
Let's sing another stupid Texas song
Our accents are the drawliest, our howdies are the y'alliest,
Our Lone Star flag's the waviest, our fried steak's the cream-graviest
Our rattlesnakes the coiliest, our beaches are the oiliest
Our politicians most corrupt, our stop signs most abrupt
Our guitars are the twangiest, our guns are the keblangiest.
Our cows are the Long-horniest, our yodels the forlorniest,
Our cookoffs are the chiliest, our Waylon is the Williest,
Our sausage is the smokiest, our neighbors are the Okiest
From Texarkana to El Paso, Dalhart down to Orange
Every spot in Texas has got what you're looking for
Aren'cha glad that Texas put the stars up in the sky?
If heaven isn't Texas, pardner, I don't want to die

One more stupid song about Texas, just 'cause we're braggin',
That don't mean it's wrong
Biggest heads and biggest hearts, biggest various body parts,
Let's sing another stupid Texas song
Toss your hats into the air, we're obnoxious (we don't care!)
Let's sing another stupid Texas song
One more blusterin', bumptious, bald faced, brazen, high flown, high-tone, dander-up, panderin',
pompous, puffed-up, snotty, swaggerin', stupid Texas song!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Wesley S
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 05:55 PM

I LOVE the Austin Lounge Lizards. They didn't mean it of course.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 06:12 PM

Wonderful.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:20 PM

Here comes another "I Love Texas" song...

That IS a song, from Bob Gibson I believe. Art would know.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:23 PM

Yup, Gibson:

http://bobgibsonlegacy.com/songs.asp

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:31 PM

I've heard tell that if you stick a pin into a Texan they become the same size as everyone else.

:)

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Bobert
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:38 PM

Don't tell them that, Eb...

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Peace
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:43 PM

Well, ever since they found out that they are under half as big as Alaska, it's been a problem.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: pdq
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:43 PM

They also say "if you melt all the ice off Alaska, it's about the size of Rhode Island".

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Peace
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:49 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Rowan
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 07:51 PM

Before the subdivision of the relevant properties I could always get a rise out of bragging Texans by pointing out that, in the Northern Territory, there were three cattle stations, each of which was bigger than Texas.

But (at that time) precious few tractors, and no internet even, let alone emails.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 08:07 PM

What the hell do I need with a bigger tractor? I've only got one field, and it doesn't need plowing as often as it used to.

If I had a bigger tractor I'd probably spend half my time driving it around looking for strange fields to plow. No thanks.

Subject: Lyr Add: Grandpa Got Runned Over By A John Deere
From: pdq
Date: 05 Feb 08 - 08:23 PM

Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere

CHORUS:
Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere
Walking home from the Moose Lodge Christmas Eve.
Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But after suing John Deere, I believe...

He'd been a-guzzlin' old Jack Daniels
And smokin' that wacky weed-
He mixed it with his medication
And run off with some bleach-blonde named Bernice.

When we found him Christmas mornin'
We thought he had a heart attack.
But he had tar prints on his forehead
And incriminatin' hickies on his neck.
(ON HIS WHAT???)

CHORUS

But we're all ashamed of Grandpa.
He took Grandma's death too well.
Started watchin' porno movies
And engaging in phone sex with Cousin Belle.

It's a better Christmas without Grandpa
Last year in church, he mooned the choir.
At first, we thought it was Alzheimer's,
But looking back, we realized he was wired.

CHORUS

Yeah, I filed myself a lawsuit
And they awarded me two mil.
You know Grandpa didn't leave me nuthin',
But thanks to that old John Deere, he got killed.

Funny, all my friends and neigh-bras
Turned up on the grand jury,
(laughs) I bribed 'em like Johnny Cochran
Did when they set O.J. Simpson free.
GUIL-TY!!!

CHORUS (x2)

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 01:33 PM

They also say "if you melt all the ice off Alaska, it's about the size of Rhode Island". pdq

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 02:01 PM

Yeah, but if you could somehow remove all the bullshit from Texas...not an easy job, admittedly!....I think it would turn out to be a lot smaller state too. Maybe about the size of Ohio or Tennessee.

Anyway...I got some more tractor emails today:

"Add 3 more inches to your tractor!"

Hmmmm. I don't really see what's so dramatic about a tractor being 3 inches larger in any given dimension. I doubt that anyone would even notice the difference. Now if they had said "add 3 feet to your tractor"...then I could see it. That would be impressive.

"Is it too small?"

Is it??? That's the burning question that seems to be on everyone's mind out there. I figure it this way...if the danged thing can still pull the plow, then it's not too small. I'm going on that assumption, eh? Whaddya think, Bobert?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Wesley S
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 02:14 PM

We have a lot of bullshit in Texas because we have a lot of bulls. Very simple.

By the way - have you considered that the word "tractor" just might be a codeword for something else?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 02:24 PM

You think???

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: pdq
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 02:25 PM

By the way, when buying a tractor you should pay special attention to the ram tubes. The smoother they are, the better they work.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Bobert
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 02:34 PM

That's exactly right, LH... If yer gettin' the job done then that's what counts and I'm here to say that me and mah tractor can...

...sho nuff get the job done...

Thta's my story...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 02:42 PM

I've got a brand new combine harvester...

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Rowan
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 05:02 PM

By the way - have you considered that the word "tractor" just might be a codeword for something else?

'Round our way, if your tractor has a big bucket thingy on the front and an articulated (but smaller) bucket thingy on the back, the tractor's called a front end loader. Little Hawk might find that another three inches changed how it worked.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Wesley S
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 05:12 PM

I suspect that Little Hawk's a front end loader from way back....

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 05:41 PM

I got another tractor email.


"You will be the legend of the 10-inch machine!"

How pathetic. A 10-inch tractor. That's about the size of a Tonka Toy, isn't it? Oh, wow, I can just see myself now, rampaging around on the back 40 with my 10-inch John Deere....

Really, I think some people are losing their minds out there lately.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Peace
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 06:03 PM

Write 'em back and tell 'em you'll cut it to the size they think you should have.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 06:14 PM

Yes, I've considered doing that. A tractor that has been "chopped" can have a really groovy look...just like a stripped-down hotrod or a sawed-off shotgun. And it can get in and out of tight spots.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Bobert
Date: 06 Feb 08 - 06:38 PM

In mah family if yer tractor is only 10 inches then they call you "Stubby"...

Yeah, I been thinking of doing a chop job on mine and maybe even channel the sumabich to get that retro look...

McG,

Hmmmmmm??? I believe I heard that song played 'round here... Hey, I got an ol' Moline and an ol' McCormick... Reckon I could turn Mormon and have me a c ouple wives with them two harvesters...

(Are you nuts, Bobertz??? Two wives??? Ain't that like twice the chin music and two honey-do lists??? You need to bring the WGSR in on this one...)

I'z just funnin'... There ain't nuff money in the world to pay me to have another women in this house, thank you...

No matter how big my tractor is!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: jacqui.c
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 07:53 AM

This is all right so long as your tractor is in good working order.

As the song says:

'Now your wife tells you your engine is blowing

She starts it by hand and jumps on once it's going.'

Otherwise size really isn't going to matter................

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: kendall
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 09:50 AM

Jacqueline Clark Morse, BEDROOM   NOW!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:09 AM

Got another email:

"It's all about women and the size of your tractor."

Yeah. There's a philosophy of life, eh? I wonder if Plato could ever match that?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: jacqui.c
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:16 AM

He he he he he he........

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Wesley S
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:17 AM

Guys with big tractors also like to sit on their big decks after a long day. Here's something from "Blue Collar Comedy"

Big Decks

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:25 AM

My God.

This is just like getting inside Shane McBride's head and seeing his fondest inner dreams in living color...

Ugh!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Feb 08 - 09:54 PM

Four more tractor emails came in today:

"Do not be a loser. Change your tractor machine size."

"Ever since I started taking this, my girl can't keep her hands or mouth off my tractor!"

"Is your girl satisfied or NOT due to your small tractor?"

"Nothing beats the feeling of having a 9-inch tractor."

Yeah, right....

OHHHHH...What a feeling!!!! What a rush!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: bobad
Date: 13 Feb 08 - 10:06 PM

Gee LH, I never get those e-mails, I guess I'm not visiting the right "agricultural" sites.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Feb 08 - 10:19 PM

Perhaps. Have you ever checked out TexasToolsOnline.com ? That's a great one.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: bobad
Date: 14 Feb 08 - 09:16 PM

Yessir, lots of big tools have come out of Texas.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Feb 08 - 09:31 PM

No question about that, is there? They seem to breed them down there.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Feb 08 - 01:12 AM

"That's the burning question that seems to be on everyone's mind out there"

No.... that's soemthing else entirely - involves a whole DIFFERENT lot of emails....

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Feb 08 - 12:04 PM

Today's incoming:

"Whip out your new GIANT TRACTOR, and watch her squeal with delight!"

Who are these women they are talking about?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Ross Campbell
Date: 15 Feb 08 - 09:47 PM

A Scottish football supporters song from Forfar Athletic Football Club. The tune is something like "The Girl I Left Behind Me".

FORFAR SONG

Oh I can't read
And I can't write
But that don't really matter
Because I come from Forfar
And I can drive a tractor

From Away From The Numbers Songbook

Ross

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 05:48 PM

Today's message:

"Heat up the bedroom with your giant tractor!"

Impossible. It won't fit through the front door. If it did, it wouldn't fit through the hallway or the bedroom door either. Besides, there'd soom be a lethal building of carbon monoxide if I were so stupid as to run my tractor in the bedroom.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: bobad
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 07:03 PM

"there'd soom be a lethal building of carbon monoxide if I were so stupid as to run my tractor in the bedroom."

C'mon LH, everyone knows you attach a hose to the tailpipe and exhaust it out the bedroom window........sheesh!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 08:01 PM

Oh. Yeah.

God, I feel like such a fool...!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 12:28 PM

Today's spam:   "Get your love life sizzling with your new giant tractor!"

Yeah. I can just see it. Me and my new giant tractor. There we are in the backyard. The tractors sits stolidly before me, gleaming in the sunshine, looking oh, so attractive and gigantic.

"So," I say to the tractor, "Feel like a little action?"

The tractor says nothing. It's just playing hard to get.

"Hey, baby, whaddya say we repair to the hayloft and 'put' er in gear'!"

No response from the tractor.

"Want me to check your oil?"

Still no response from the tractor. I might as well be talking to the damn wall.

And so on...

Finally I give up in disgust and go back to surfing the Net.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 06:38 PM

Today's asinine attempt at male manipulative psychology on the part of the tractor enlargement industry:

"Let's compare your tractor and I am sure that mine is bigger..."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Do you want a bigger Tractor?'
From: Greg B
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 08:52 PM

I got an International 300 Utility.

That big enough?