BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 06 Mar 09 - 04:51 AM

wonderful epic! well done author & reciters & photographer & of course kitchen builder.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: MMario
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 03:28 PM

All together now
DAMN CAPSLOCK!

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 03:21 PM

dANI,
hE WENT ON A TWENTY MINUTE DRIVE TO THE HARDWARE STORE AND CAME BACK WITH one SCREW. onE! wASTE NOT; WANT NOT.
oF COURSE IT WAS THE WRONG SIZE. aNYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE INVESTED ANOTHER TWENTY CENTS AND GOT ONE BIGGER AND ONE SMALLER...OR MAYBE A WHOLE PACKAGE OF DIFFERENT SIZES FOR $1.98. bUT NOT OUR cAPTAIN... i STILL LAUGH WHEN i THINK OF HIS REACTION TO IT BEING THE WRONG SIZE. hEY cAPTAIN!!! sIZE DOES MATTER.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 01:28 PM

Naturally, a Getaway I missed... I had no idea!



"I'll find me the right screw
Or die trying"



Dani (snort)

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: olddude
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 01:27 PM

Just wonderful
Blessing to you and kendall

wonderful!!

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 11:24 AM

And here's the very picture......

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 08:17 AM

My reward for this is a picture of the Captain himself standing in his newly decorated kitchen wearing his Grumpy T-shirt while Seamus looks up adoringly. It is titled Captain Kendall and the Kitchen. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 07:28 AM

It was, Ron. That was in 2007, I believe.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Ron Davies
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 11:36 PM

This piece is just a spectacularly wonderful creation.   It could stand on its own--but is even funnier, as many have noted, if you've heard "Peter Kagan".

It seems to gently spoof both the seriousness of the original and the situation described--in the best tradition of the mock epic. And there's not a mean bone in the parodist's body.

Wasn't it at a Getaway workshop that Gordon Bok himself did a rendition?

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 08:11 AM

I have to admit when I heard that Gordon himself performed my minor epic at a gathering, I was gobsmacked. Now if we can just get him to write some music for it.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: maeve
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 07:08 AM

I can certainly believe that Mary's original rendition was brilliant, but to hear Himself with read it with the laughter bubbling up in him and there's the clever author Mary shining like a child at her first Christmas and Kendall and his much-loved Jacqui laughing themselves breathless...

Nothing could beat that for me.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: georgeward
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 03:22 AM

Oh lord, Mary! Brilliant!

- G

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Amos
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 09:49 AM

Wow, what a work of art!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: ranger1
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 09:25 AM

I dunno, I was there when Mary first presented it (and had no knowledge of Peter Kagan and the Wind), and it was a riot. But yes, better after having heard the original Peter Kagan and the Wind. And hearing Gordon do it was fantastic, but Mary's original presentation sticks with me...

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: maeve
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 08:56 AM

The best was to hear this is with Gordon Bok reading it.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 08:39 AM

Every word of it is true. I have witnesses.

Subject: ADD: Kendall and the Kitchen
From: jacqui.c
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 08:24 AM

OK, here goes:

Kendall and the Kitchen

Captain Kendall was a lonely man
In the Autumn of his years.
But then one day, he got tired of being lonely
So he went way off to the east
And when he came back
He had a wife with him.
She was strange you know
(and bossy as all get out)
People liked her.

She was good for Kendall
And she kept him busy
And winter come to summer
They were happy.

Kendall had a kitchen then
(an old kitchen)
I think it had a lug sail in it
(Among other things)
He'd go off to garage sales three four days at a time
Looking for parts for it.

Oh his wife was sad then.
She never liked to see him go.
She'd go down and call him:

Blimey Blimey Blimey
That kitchen's a bloody tip
I need a sink, I need a loo
And your dickey shoulder's sure to rip.

He said that he could hear her twenty miles away.
And when he heard her, he go to Erlon's
And hide for a while.
Jacqui'd wander 'round the yard sales.

She was a Limey you know
Everybody knew it even Kendall
He knew it
But no one would say it to his face.

Then one day in that year's autumn
He got it into his head to renovate the kitchen
An inch at a time.

But she says "No. Please ! Not the kitchen!
I've gotten used to running water and electricity!"

"Kendall Kendall Kendall
Leave the kitchen be
Water and electrics don't mix
And oh but I do fear for thee."


But Kendall's not afraid of a project
He fixed a door once
He puts his keys in his pocket
And sets off for Ace.
Jacqui heads for the Goodwill shop.

He heads straight for Scarborough.
With specs for a screw in his pocket.
Life is good.


Kendall reads the writing on the packages.
He checks the prices and quality.
"This ten cent screw will do nicely
Waste not, want not"
And he heads for home.

But Kendall reads it wrong this time
The screw is too small; it doesn't fit.
A cloud comes 'round him.

Kendall says "You son of a whore!
Son of a bitch goddammit!
And his wife was sad then.

He throws the screwdriver down
And heads away to the north this time
"I'll find me the right screw
Or die trying."

But the kitchen is watching.
The kitchen loosens its couplings
It resets its circuits
And waits patiently for his return


Finally Kendall comes back
With a great big screw.
He tries to force it in
But the jobs too tough for him.
He pulls the screw out and his mind goes a drifting.

His book on kitchen renovations isn't far away.

Kendall Kendall Kendall
Not that bloody book
Water and electrics don't mix
I fear I'll never again cook

But Kendall's mind goes a drifting
And by and by he has a plan
Jacqui sighs and heads for the Salvation Army Shop.

Kendall says "OK"
He takes his hammer from his tool chest
And starts to swing it over his head.

But OH the kitchen is watching.
It makes the lights short out
And the washer leak.

The kitchen says "Listen. I've got something to tell you.
Kendall, hammering "I don't want to hear it"

But the kitchen protests. Makes the dishwasher stick.
Makes it hard for him to get it out.
Kendall knows he isn't getting anywhere.
He puts the hammer away.
And heads for the sledgehammer.

Kendall says "OK. Now I've got something to show you.
He batters the counter into splinters.
Soaps up the floor to make a slide
And slips the dishwasher out easily.

The kitchen says "What are you doing?"
Kendall says "Keep watching"

He rips the sink out now
Hauls it away out to the trash pile.
The dishwasher follows.
Then the flooring.
But oh the kitchen is watching.
It overloads the circuits.
Kendall can't see what he is doing now.

The kitchen says "You're screwed now.
No water; no kitchen;
Can't even take a piss.

Kendall says:
"I'm not afraid of water.
I'll use a Mason jar.
It will work again. Then I'll rip out the wall unit."

The kitchen says "I'll drop it on you!"
Kendall says "You drop it on me
And no one will turn the electrics back on.
Then Jacqui will see to you.

The kitchen says "You may be smarter
But I'm craftier. You watch.
And the kitchen starts to disintegrate.

Finally there's too much mess.
Kendall says "I can't do it any more"
Jacqui says "You bloody Yank. I want my kitchen back!"

Kendall picks the sledgehammer up
And his mind goes a drifting.
Jacqui wisely heads out for a church rummage sale.

Kendall sets a new dishwasher in place.
He paints the walls and lays a floor.
He installs a sink and a new fridge.

and washes up.
Clean kitchen; clean laundry.
The wife will be pleased.

But the kitchen shrugs and sends all his work a'reeling.
The sink leaks and washing machine overflows.
The tiles float off the floor and make the footing dangerous.
Kendall doesn't know what to do                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              The water shorts the fridge.
Kendall falls ass over teakettle and lands in the doorway.
Kendall dying and the kitchen grins.

Kendall Kendall Kendall
Stay right where you lay
You're probably in shock
I'll get a Doc
We'll have to eat at the buffet.

So Kendall lays on the wet floor
And tries not to think of electrocution.
And he dreamed of her then.
He heard a great howling from the door
And he lifted his head.
He dreamed Jacqui was coming to him then.
As through the smoking kitchen she came
Hauling the cowering dog she came
And sympathizing to his arms.


In the morning they found him.
Asleep, with a bandage around his burned hand.
And there was a Brit lying on him there.
Like a mother protecting her child from falling debris.
And on the Brit was a big yellow dog.



Enjoy.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 08:13 AM

It was a gift to you, Captain. All decisions about its fate lie in your hands.
But I agree, you have to know Peter Kagan to appreciate it.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: kendall
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 02:57 AM

Well Mary?

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 09:38 PM

Well, I know that piece....

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 09:22 PM

That piece is a real gem, but you have to know Gordon Bok's "Peter Kagan and the Wind" to really appreciate it.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: GUEST,Anne Ominous
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 04:13 AM

Many of the mudcat lurkers would like to read Mary's "Captain Kendall and the Kitchen" pleeeeeaaaaaase? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 10:47 PM

Years and years ago, when I first came to America - I had that posh accent and nice legs. My first legal job over here (we will gloss over the illegal) was as a secretary for Otis Elevator. My boss viewed me as an accent and a pair of legs -- nothing more and nothing less. They had to take me off using the office tannoy system because the guys on the shop floor couldn't understand me.....true story.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: kendall
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 06:44 AM

Batty, I agree but only up to a point. I don't find the Cockney accent to be posh at all either in a man or a woman.

Odd thing about accents, I get a kick out of hearing a real Maine accent when spoken by a working man, but in a woman it's an instant "Hard off".

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 03:56 PM

A lot of Americans consider just about any British accent to be posh (and don't really have the experience to differentiate anyway) -- and a woman with a British accent can charge a premium as a receptionist -- or sales, for that matter, from companies trying to convey a prestigious standing.

A graphic artist friend from Kent with Titian hair and a Pre-Raphaelite face found her accent alone could usually get her a decent job even when the printing industry was in a slump. (Alas, I think she's planning on moving to New Zealand now that her divorce is final.)

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 03:23 PM

one of the questions I got asked when going for my final interview was "has the marriage been consummated ?".

I thought the question was a tad personal, to be honest, but I was just grateful they didn't ask whether I had done any paid work prior to being granted my temporary permit ...

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: kendall
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 12:35 PM

America, like the UK, has many accents.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: maeve
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 09:05 AM

Ooh! missed it when Rapaire snuck in!

Y'all come visit, hear?

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: maeve
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 09:04 AM

Some of us do, and we'd like to listen to her far more than we can at present!

100 for Leadfingers!

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 09:00 AM

Well, you folks should learn a good American accent. Now, repeat after me:

Yawl
Tayters, mayters an beans
Shehvee
Dawg
Hawg
Motersickle
Redd up
Dat ting ober dere
Ain't got nun
Don't got nun
Gimme sum

If you master (or mistress) these you'll be well on your way.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 08:50 AM

Kendall!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: kendall
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 08:19 AM

Those people who tell Jacqui that they could listen to her talk all day don't know what they are missing. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 01:21 AM

A feidn of mine was born and brought up in the US, married a German, and has lived since her marriage (nigh on 40 years now I think) in Oz. Her 3 sons therefore have American, German and Ozzie nationalities. Although they are all living in the US they plan one day to come back to Oz (she says), all 3 travel on Oz passports, and haven't lost their Ozzie accents.

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 09:42 PM

I haven't thought of my accent as posh in years ---- but my sister and I did go to private schools til we were 11 and 13 respectively and we have elocution lessons for years ......when I finally got to state school (when my dad retired from the army and we didn't have any money any more......) I remember being brutally teased for talking as if I had a plum in my mouth....

Kandall _ I am glad you get it about citizenship -- it is a big deal for me.....

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: SINSULL
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 04:35 PM

Oh me oh my.
Cat Fight!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: gnu
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 03:00 PM

Oh my! Hehehehe.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 11:36 AM

TB is much posher than I am. Norf Lundun is way downmarket!

We love your attempt at the accent Jeri - it's almost as good as the one Dick Van Dyke put on in Mary Poppins..........

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Jeri
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 09:41 AM

I don't think north London sounds elitist. TB sounds posher than Jacqui, but I think one has to expend some effort for true snootiness. I probably piss them off because I occasionally lapse into a really bad generic snooty English accent. Maybe they just think I'm mildly amusing.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Azizi
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 08:42 AM

Congratulations, jacqui.c! I have some friends who are Kenyan living in the USA for years and going through this process. They've told tell me how long and involved this process is.

Also, I've read that many Americans love English accents. To Americans, that accent sounds "elitist". And in my opinion, many Americans like folks to sound elitist, even though the person really isn't elitist at all in their attitudes & actions.

Best wishes!

Azizi

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 07:23 AM

Huw - i think I'm a little too old to lose the North London accent.

Besides, it's rather nice to have people saying "I LOVE your accent - I could listen to you all day" and encouraging me to speak to them. Never thought that the N.L accent would do that!

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: HuwG
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 08:05 PM

Firstly, congratulations. Secondly, don't change. An ex-girlfriend went to work in California. She went with a Welsh accent. Within months of getting her green card, she was, like, hey, you know.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: kendall
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 07:46 PM

I'm with you TB, I could never renounce my citizenship either.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: MaineDog
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 06:47 PM

Wonderful news!
Now let me tell you about the IRS...
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 05:37 PM

McGrath -- I believe you are right. But I am one of those troubled people who really have a hard time with a direct lie -- to the US, yes I've given up my citizenship.....for example. What if God - or Buddha -r karma - or whomever - came and got me and when I needed that citizenship andI had somehow put it at risk......I believe in cosmic 'what goes around, comes around.....' -- just can't say the words 'I denounce my UK citizenship.....just can't...

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Hollowfox
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 04:51 PM

EXcellent! Another loose end tied up, and I love a happy ending to a story arc. Coming to Old Songs? I'll hug you then.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 01:34 PM

My understanding is that merely telling US officials that you renounced your British citizenship wouldn't actually carry any legal weight with the British authorities. I could of course be wrong.

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: Midchuck
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 12:41 PM

If a man has been brought up to have good manners, and he has information to convey to a woman, he has to write a letter or use e-mail. To convey the information in a personal conversation or on the telephone, he'd have to interrupt her.

(Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck)

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 11:32 AM

Re; COLOR - the green card used to be blue before it was pink! (I've been here a long time). My understanding of the UK / US citizenship is that the US does not allow you to hold any other citizenship at all so officially you would have to renounce your other citizenship. This is what has kept me as a British citizen all these years -- I can't say the 'I renounce' word.....

The Brits don't care -- you can have 10 citizenships for all they care. I retain mine partly because I have a house there and one day will live there half the year -- partly because I came in British and I'm going out British. Regarding the medical care Barry -- I know this is hard to take in - but in the UK if you are sick -- THEY TAKE CARE OF YOU REGARDLESS OF CITIZENSHIP.....!!! (Deep breath - don't over react!)...I know it is a strange concept and you will need to wrestle with it but there it is.....

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 11:19 AM

There was an earthquake in the midwest Kendall.......Just wanted to interject some real news.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: I got my permanent green card, at last!
From: kendall
Date: 19 Apr 08 - 10:51 AM

I'll try to do better.:-)