BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 08:33 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Continued from 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 08:36 PM

You might have seen this before, but it's still funny!

How do they survive?
I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW THESE PEOPLE....



ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. " You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.



TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE


A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."



FOUR


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."



FIVE


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



SIX


I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich.



SEVEN


My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



EIGHT


Police in Radnor, Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency!


"Life is Tough. It's Tougher if you're Stupid."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:49 PM

I'm amazed that so many kids don't know how to make change when they don't have a calculator handy. The item was $3.29. GST was at 5%. The poor kid was lost. I said, "The cost of the item is $3.29. Five percent of that is $.16. That's $3.45."

The kid was happy. S/he gave me a plaintive look that implored an answer. I said, "You have to give me $1.55."

Where have all the flowers gone?

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Escapee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM

This has happened to me three times. I went to Mc Donald's and ordered a cheeseburger and the attendant asked " Would you like cheese on that? " Really. Three times.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:04 AM

Screw 'em up and say no!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:06 AM

Well, looks like the US dominamce of the world may be ending with a whimper...

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 01:05 AM

LOL

And Canada's too I fear.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 03:14 AM

This is true by the way, on a celebrity cooking show the chef asked the celebrity air head blond guest to peel a potato, what with ? was her answer, you feel like screaming at the TV, WITH A FELLING AXE YOU FUCKING MORON.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Moses
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 07:52 AM

Sorry Eric, I recon the question is valid. It could have been with a potato peeler, a knife or a potato peeling machine.

Christine

(Blonde)

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 08:58 AM

The above piece about the Radnor, PA police dept. didn't happen. The police chief in Radnor has been disclaiming that story for years. I wish it did happen, though, since it's a great story.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: DMcG
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 02:43 PM

I'm amazed that so many kids don't know how to make change when they don't have a calculator handy

I know a case where the opposite happened. The person concerned had a Saturday job and worked out everything in her head for weeks before she discovered the till did it automatically.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 03:52 PM

"Playing One's Age"

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated,
she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today!
What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know...
why don't you play your age?"

He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!
He rushes back to the table and pushes his way
through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all
her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she
just fainted!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 01:48 AM

Moses, what difference would it have made, a knife or a peeler ?

eric

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 03:41 AM

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 07:38 AM

RFC 2550 - Y10K and Beyond

RFCs are memos that provide information for the Internet community. They do not specify an Internet standard of any kind.

Abstract

As we approach the end of the millennium, much attention has been paid to the so-called "Y2K" problem. Nearly everyone now regrets the short-sightedness of the programmers of yore who wrote programs designed to fail in the year 2000. Unfortunately, the current fixes for Y2K lead inevitably to a crisis in the year 10,000 when the programs are again designed to fail.

This specification provides a solution to the "Y10K" problem which has also been called the "YAK" problem (hex) and the "YXK" problem (Roman numerals).

http://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc2550

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM

Turn Off Your Cell Phone!

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in
an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels
a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start a blonde baby
boomer from the center of the row got up and
started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry,
oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient so I
said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN
OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message
just flashed up on the screen, and mine is
out in the car."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: MarkS
Date: 25 Jun 08 - 10:32 PM

Really happened!
I go into a shop to buy a watch battery. Pretty young woman clerk tells me it is $ 7.99. I so OK and clerk turns her back and starts installing the battery.
While this is going on I fish around in my pockets and come up with
$ 8.47. ( 6% sales tax at the time).
Clerk hands me the watch and I hand her the cash. Following conversation ensues:
Clerk "What is this for?"
Me "To pay you for the battery."
Clerk gets puzzled look on her face, goes to the register, rings up the sale ---- $ 8.47. Counts cash, puts it in the till, takes receipt and hands it to me, and says:
"Wow. You must be some kind of genius."

Friends and neighbors, in my long and dismal life I have been called many things by young women. But I gotta tellya. That is the first and so far only time I have heard the word "genius!"

Mark

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Helen
Date: 26 Jun 08 - 06:32 PM

I was in the music shop a couple of weeks ago, listening to another customer explaining to the 2 young men behind the counter that she wanted ensemble arrangements for Happy Birthday. First she asked what key the clarinet sheet music should be written in if the other instruments are playing the key of C Major. (A fair question, since clarinets, I think, are B-flat instruments.) Then she asked what key the cello plays in. The young men scratched their heads and couldn't answer.

I wanted to reply with the punch line of the following joke:

Q: What do you feed a 200lb budgerigar? A: Anything it #$%@! wants.


MarkS,

Your story reminds me of when I worked in a public library and a man came in to find a book on a specific subject. He possibly had never been in a library before.

After asking what he was looking for I walked down the length of the library to find the section where those books were shelved. As I was walking I was mentally reminding myself of the specific Dewey Decimal Number that the book would be shelved under, and looking at the shelves to find the right section. I went straight for the shelf I needed, reached up, pulled a relevant book from the shelf and as I handed it to him he looked at me in total awe and said, "How did you do that?" I said, "Magic!" (But then I explained about the numbering system and the categories.)

To him it must have looked like I just reached at random for any book and happened to pick the right one first time.

(A note about calculating numbers: when I was teaching at a TAFE (in Oz - post-school college where people go to upgrade their school qualifications or to learn vocational and/or technical skills) I was pleased to see that in the numeracy classes the teacher made a point of teaching "guestimating" i.e. doing a quick mental calculation to get a rough idea of the likely answer, to double check the calculators or cash registers.

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Jun 08 - 11:02 PM

The pocketbook I bought recently had a small laminated card inside which had the various percentages calculated for tipping waitstaff. My daughters did not learn to do figures in their heads. Not sure why but I do know it drives them nuts when I do. Still, they don't make stupid mistakes like some of those in the jokes above.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Schantieman
Date: 27 Jun 08 - 08:37 AM

Waitstaff?

Waitstaff?

Good grief!

S

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Jun 08 - 10:59 AM

John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old.


:-)

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 27 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM

McCain fathered a child when he was 8?

Wow! Maybe I'll vote for him after all.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: HuwG
Date: 29 Jun 08 - 12:19 AM

As part of the present UK celebrations of serving and retired armed forces personnel, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is visiting a hospital ward full of soldiers injured in Iraq and Afghanistan.

She goes to the first, who has arms and legs swathed in plaster. "What happened to you?" she asks. "Land mine, Ma'am" he replies. "And what happened to you?" she says to the next man, also covered in bandages. "Anti-tank rocket launcher, Ma'am" he says.

The next man appears to be uninjured, but is staring rigidly ahead. "What happened to you?" asks the Duchess. There is no reply. Thinking the soldier might be hard of hearing, the Duchess repeats the question in a louder voice. The soldier in the next bed says, "Beg pardon Ma'am, but he doesn't speak. He's not been quite right since he got a bullet in his a**e."

"Tut, tut, such language", says Camilla. "Rectum, my good man, rectum!"

The soldier replies "Rectum and no mistake, Ma'am. F***ing near killed 'im!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jul 08 - 10:50 AM

"Instant Reaction"

A father took his 5-year-old son to several
baseball games where The Star-Spangled
Banner was sung before the start of each
game.

Then the father and son attended a church
on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled
Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little
boy suddenly yelled out,

"PLAY BALL!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jul 08 - 10:56 AM

"Fireworks"

One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state. (because they are illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic—they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it was discovered that he was a police officer. The father turned as innocently as he could to Johnny, and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told then the gas grill was all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out the back just as Johnny came back in through the front door. The father hurried to him and said "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 03:08 AM

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 09:15 AM

(From my newly-13 son) Why is a woman like a condom? Because she spends more time in your wallet than on your dick!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 12:11 PM

So there was this bluegrass band..just starting to get popular. Bar bookings, maybe a festival or two. THey had one problem, though--the bass player kept getting behind on the beat, dragging down the tempo. The other band members tried to teach, convince, persuade, cajole him..but to no effect. They finally had to fire him and find a replacement.

THe bass player took it very hard. He brooded. He took to drinking. And finally, in a fit of depression, he went to the railroad station and threw himself behind a train.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: peterfirth
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 08:30 PM

Then there's the story of the bass player who locked himself in his car. It took the drummer 3 hours to unlock the car and rescue him.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Andrez
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 06:10 AM

Aha! Somewhere I feel I can make a small but lasting contribution to the sum total of human mirth.

Q: What do you call two banana peels?
A: A pair of slippers!

Its all downhill from here folks

:-)

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 10:28 AM

Not to mention the cellist who got locked into his convertible. And it started raining. And he couldn't raise the top. (he's the one who was trapped on an escalator for hours during a power outage. )

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 07:09 PM

Is this the world's oldest "joke?"

Did you hear about the woman who sat in a bathful of glue?


Disarsed 'er!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 07:31 PM

"New Word Definitions"

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office
at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle,
cut or deal.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what
he left out.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra
in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique
for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking
a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and
baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by
strangling the chicken.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated
damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to
achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost
and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors
to strip the bodies.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 06:52 AM

Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 11:52 AM

From a friend in Congress...

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:



'Want coffee.'

The waiter says,



'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, there Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says:





'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 12:30 PM

LOL: shooting buffalo with a shotgun....

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 11:59 PM

I'm not making this up, you know...

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/australian-news/4783517/weevil-upset-bellyache-bush

Weevil could upset bellyache bush
July 12, 2008, 5:39 am

A new weapon is being developed in the battle against one of northern Australia's worst weeds.

A Mexican stem-boring weevil has been imported to Australia and is being carefully studied in quarantine.

It is hoped the beetle could help slow the spread of the bellyache bush weed, which is threatening tropical rivers from the Kimberley, through the Northern Territory and into Queensland.

Scientists are testing the weevil against almost 40 other plants, and have yet to successfully breed it under laboratory conditions.

It could take years before the weevil is approved for release as a biological control.

The jury is still out over the success of the last insect released to control bellyache bush.

Around 19,000 central American jewel bugs were released across the Top End during the last five years, but pastoralists say they have been wiped out by native assassin beetles.

~~~~~~~~~

So only time will tell which was the lesser of two weevils...

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 12 Jul 08 - 06:44 AM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The cop asked to see the driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Jul 08 - 09:20 PM

There is a much older one about a duchess in a military hospital. She asks a soldier where he was wounded. He is bashful, and she says, Come, now, we're both grownups. All right, says, he, In the penis. Oh, says she, with a hint of concern, and was the bone broken? My compliments to the Duke, says the soldier.

*

Q. What is half of one and six dozen of the other?
A. A gross discrepancy.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 04:16 PM

"Bubba At The Revival"

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the
preacher.

After a while, the preacher asks anyone with
needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the
preacher says,

"Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray
for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear
and the other hand on top of his head and prays
a while. After a few minutes, he removes his
hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing
now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, the court
date is not until next Wednesday."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 04:18 PM

"Lumber"

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to
confession to deal with his transgression. In the
confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new
doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a
four-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse,
the four-car garage, I also built a five-bedroom, four- bath
house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a
little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make
a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've
got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 06:53 PM

I made this up last week.

It's my magnum opus!

Are you ready?

Here goes!



    Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?





               (scroll down)


















    To get to the other side ...

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 07:20 PM

I'm in awe, lox!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 08:53 PM

Such originality!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 06:11 AM

Jim Morrison jokes eh?

What did Jim Morrison say when he exposed himself onstage?











(Scroll down)













"This is the end ..."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 10:47 AM

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
   
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


But Most Of All, Remember!


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 11:06 AM

Alright then you asked for it ...

What did Jim Morison say to one of his groupies when it started getting cold?


hmmm?


hmmm?



come on baby!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 01:53 AM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son… what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.




PRICELESS!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 04:55 AM

On the lines of Foolestroupes quips:-

What does an occasional table do when it isn't.
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission.
When the person inventing the drawing board got it wrong...what did they go back to?
Why is there only one word for Thesaurus?
Why do so few people know how to spell Dyslexia?
If cabbage is good for you...why do cabbage white butterflies only live for one day?
Why does someone always answer the phone when you get a wrong number?

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 06:54 AM

"What is your age?" asked the Barrister, "and remember you are under oath."
"I am twenty-one and some months." the woman answered.
"How many months?"
"One hundred and eight"

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Two Boy Scout Cubs, whose younger brother had fallen into the lake, rushed home to mother with tears in their eyes.
"We tried to give him artificial respiration," one of them sobbed, "but he keeps getting up and walking away."

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Young Tommy was peering through a hole in the hedge surrounding a naturist camp. His friend asked "What can you see Tommy? Are there men or women in there?"
"I can't tell," replied Tommy
"None of them have any clothes on"

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An American tourist found himself in a sleepy little English village and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant.
"Well Zur, we ain't got one now. He died last week"