BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Aug 08 - 05:16 AM

Severed-head @ 05:07 29/7...
God first said (under His breath) "Jeez."       [To Adam, of course.]


Now, thats what you CALL family planning!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Aug 08 - 08:43 AM

"Bungee Jumping In Mexico"

While Al and Joe were bungee jumping one day.
Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of
money running our own bungee jumping service
in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their
money and buy everything they'll need; a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to
Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins
to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather
to watch them work. When they had finished, there
was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch
him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes
back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses
him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he
comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joe
catches him this time and says, "What happened?
Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord
was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A
PIÑATA?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 08 - 07:56 PM

Good question. Embarrassed emoticon.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 08 - 09:36 AM

"The Fundamentalist Dog"

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important
to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So,
they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they
found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked
the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When
they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were
impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud
of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills,
they called in the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed and asked whether the
dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as
well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they
called the dog and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on
the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration
and bowed his head.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 08 - 10:56 AM

At work I had to take a sexual harrasment and stalking seminar.
And I think I'm getting reeally good at it now.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 08 - 06:47 PM

"Depressed Dog"

A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles
to his friend.

"I'm really depressed all the time, and I think
negative thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel
listless and I am always tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the
friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except
that I'm not allowed on the couch."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 08 Aug 08 - 10:42 AM

So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a
Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life. And close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 09 Aug 08 - 11:45 PM

A salesman rang a doorbell and the door was opened by a seven year old boy wearing a robe, with a Playboy and a cigar in his right hand, and a martini glass in the left. With only the briefest pause, the salesman asked "Excuse me, son, are your parents at home?"

The boy looked sideways, then up at the man, and said "What do you fucking think?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 08 - 12:14 PM

"In Trouble"

I saw my coworker Jim Monday morning. I was
about to ask him how his weekend went when
I noticed his black eye. It was a real shiner.

"What the hell happened to you? Were you
mugged?" I asked.

"Worse" Jim said painfully.   

"Were you hit by a car? What happened?"

"Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast
in Mendocino this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin
there." he said.

"Well? How did you get that black eye? How did
you get those bruises on your arms? What about
that cut over your other eye? Were you in an auto
accident?" I said, interrupting his story.

"Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table
with Liz and Kevin and a couple on their honeymoon.
We were all having breakfast together. That
honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in
their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asks
'would you please pass the sugar, sugar?'

"We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the
'isn't that romantic' look women get.

Then Kevin said to Liz, 'Please pass the honey, honey.

"Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. The last
thing I remember before waking up in the emergency
room was turning to Suzie and saying 'Please pass
the tea-bag'."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Aug 08 - 10:53 AM

"The Art of Borrowing"

Every time the man next door headed toward
Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was
coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered
Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Err, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw
this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a
smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be
using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be
using your golf clubs; mind if I borrow 'em?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 12 Aug 08 - 01:05 PM

Oldie but a goodie...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Aug 08 - 01:22 PM

So this guy sidles up to a barstool next to this gorgeous blonde, and asks her if he can buy her a drink. The 6-foot four-inch bartender walks up and growls: "That's my wife. Now what do you want?" And the man replies, "Er, I'd just like a piece of beer."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 12:04 PM

The Cost of Brain Transplants

A man was told by the doctor that he needed a brain transplant. The man was distraught, but he started asking the doctor about his options, and the doctor began to show him three different brains.

The doctor told him, "The first brain we have is a truck driver's brain. He was a moral man, a kind man and a very good family man that made about $50,000-$75,000 per year. We can sell you this brain for $1 million!"
The doctor went on, "The second brain is that of a Harvard law professor. He was a good moral man, very religious, very kind, he always was charitable and helped others, and he made about $250,000. We can sell you that brain for $2 million."

"The third brain is that of a banjo player, and we get $20 million for that brain!" He then shut his mouth and didn't say another word.

The man looked at the doctor and asked, "How come the banjo player's brain is so expensive?"

The doctor replied, "Obviously you don't know much about banjo players! A banjo player's brain is barely used!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 12:15 PM

Diet Tip

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that
she had gained weight. She'd made her family's
favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

Her husband teased her and said she would never
be able to stay away from the other half until dinner
the next night.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other
half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One
slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was
gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she
was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew
her husband would rub it in.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what
her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another
cake and ate half!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 05:49 PM

Sad news about Pinochio
Set fire to himself masturbating.


How do you make love to your wife Pinochio?
I get her to sit on my face and I tell lots of lies.

Al

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: olddude
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 06:46 PM

A ventriloquist was doing an act and was making blond joke after blond joke. Finally a lady stood up and said. I am sick of this, all you are doing is supporting the notion that blonds are somehow less intelligent. I get so sick of people like you.

The ventriloquist replied, I am sorry I didn't mean to offend you, it is just and act ... really wasn't anything ... I apologize

The blond said ... I wasn't talking to you mister. I was talking to the little wooden bastard next to you.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 06:47 PM

See my Pinocchio joke here.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: olddude
Date: 18 Aug 08 - 07:00 PM

sick but funny:


A guy goes into a bar with a monkey, the monkey runs across the bar and starts swallowing everything he can get. Opens up the pickled eggs and down the hatch. He then jumps to the pool table, grabs the que ball puts it in his mouth and swallows it. The bartender says, what is with your monkey? he swallows everything, he just swallowed a que ball. The guys says yea he does stuff like that.

A week later the guy comes back into the bar with the monkey, the monkey starts grabbing thinks, putting them up his butt and then swallowing them. The bartender says that is disgusting , now your monkey is putting things up his butt and swallowing them. The guy says yes ... well after he swallowed the que ball ... he now measures everything first!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 19 Aug 08 - 09:52 AM

Is that the set Jim?
Al

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: BK Lick
Date: 20 Aug 08 - 10:18 PM

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans- continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Yes. That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of stunned silence, he farted.

The End

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 22 Aug 08 - 04:44 PM

One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and drives the ball.
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'
The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did help me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.'
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?'
The golfer says 'It's great! I hit under par every time.'
The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you.
And how is your money holding out?'
The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.'
The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. too. And how is your sex life?'
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.'
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?'
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 03:23 PM

A priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment: They
would all go out into the woods; each would find a bear, preach to                and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods
to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we
don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul! And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital
bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and very deliberately and painfully says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 09:45 PM

6 truths of life:






1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth try it






3. The first truth is a lie






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.






5. You soon will forward this to another idiot






6. There's still a stupid smile on your face

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 11:09 PM

I just tried it. I can touch all my teeth with my tongue. I don't feel like an idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 03:17 AM

,,, but why are you smiling like one then?

:-P

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:31 PM

Continued in The 5th Joke thread of 2008!