'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters

Subject: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: Bert
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 02:45 PM

OK. Fess up, you've all written one.

Here's one of mine to start you all off.

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Phallic Finial

There's a fearsome phallic finial on the fencepost in our yard.
We bought it at Home Depot and it's plastic and it's hard.
It stands there like a soldier or a sentry on his guard.
That fearsome phallic finial in the yard.

I don't know why we bought it, it doesn't make much sense
you can see that it's symbolic, or you're really rather dense;
and it gives a whole new meaning to 'sitting on the fence!'
That fearsome phallic finial in the yard.

You may wonder what the neighbors think as they are passing by.
There's many a dear old lady gets twinkle in her eye,
and for sheer and utter envy it can make a grown man cry.
That fearsome phallic finial in the yard.

Every night the neighbors' cats upon their garden wall
insist on entertaining with a dreadful caterwaul
I think that they're complaining that they can't sit at all
on that fearsome phallic finial in the yard.

There's a fearsome phallic finial on the fencepost in our yard.
We bought it at Home Depot and it's plastic and it's hard.
It stands there like a soldier or a sentry on his guard.
That fearsome phallic finial in the yard.

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 03:13 PM

PRICKS LIKE A ROSE

Now I am an old man
My garden's full of weeds
But once I was a young man
And had a young man's needs
I had the need to fertilise
I had the need to sow
I had the need to propagate
And that is how I know

CHORUS:
Love smells pretty
Pricks like a rose
Think twice daughter 'fore you
Pluck one of those
Every Tom, Dick, and Harry
All the Jimmies and Joes
Proffer a bouquet
Pricks like a rose

They say their love's a maple
Full of syrup for your waffles
Shading you in summer
They are lying something awful
Their love is just a fungus
Mushrooms overnight
Shed their spores, it turns to slime
And vanishes from sight

CHORUS

Lilies only bloom to fade
Pansies quickly sulk
The maidenhair and baby's breath
Are only there for bulk
Gardenias have a smell that's sweet
So sweet it makes you sick
If you want to smell the roses
You're bound to feel the pricks

CHORUS

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: alanabit
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 05:59 PM

My goodness, they are naughty! Unfortunately I am unable to contribute a song to this thread because I only write wholesome songs, which are fit for the company of children, vicars and nice old ladies

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: GUEST,Sneak
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 06:02 PM

alanabit is a bloody liar! One of his albums features the disgraceful, un-Christian ditty:
        
             Diedre (The Choirboys' Friend)

Some girls like their men mature – Diedre likes them young and pure
Never does her fair head rest upon an old man's hairy chest
As the priest intones the christening – Diedre is hardly listening
Congregation says, "Amen" as Diedre eyes up future tenors.
        All young choristers depend on Diedre – the choirboy's friend

Kneeling primly on the hassock, primly covered by her cassock
There's no hint in Diedre's bearing of the lingerie she's wearing
As the harmonies are soaring Diedre's thoughts turn to scoring
In her own peculiar fashion the first notes of Mathew's Passion
        All young choristers depend on Diedre the choirboy's friend

Sometimes she eyes a young curate whom she thinks might be up for it
But her greatest satisfaction's getting young men into action
When she hears the notes are dropping Diedre's heart begins galloping
And with care and dedication plans the lad's initiation
        All young choristers depend on Diedre – the choirboy's friend

For some lucky ones the act is performed after choir practice
First she leads them to the vestry to research (she says) ancestry
Down next to an ancient relic – looking somewhat less angelic
Like last week with young Tom Manning – introduced to family planning
        All young choristers depend on Diedre – the choirboy's friend

Diedre – Oh dear me!
Half a dozen local vicars know the colour of your knickers
And everybody snickers when they hear your name
Diedre – Oh dear me!
If I was thirty years younger – but I'm not...
Oh what a shame!

Many young chaps can bear witness to her stamina and fitness
Fellows whom she has accosted re-emerge looking exhausted
Vis a vis with young Phil Brunning – She forgave him his shortcoming
And her wait was not in vain – for like the Lord he rose again
        All young choristers depend on Diedre – the choirboy's friend

Now it's said her reputation has increased the congregation
And the social side is thriving - more young men just keep arriving
They suspect their transformation - then get Diedre's confirmation
More than anyone remembers - Diedre's pulled in new members
        All young choristers depend on Diedre the choirboy's friend.

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: Acorn4
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 06:37 PM

Eastbourne Viagara Blues

(Sung as fastish 12 bar)

Well, I woke up this morning,
With a twinkle in my eye,
Well I woke up this morning, spring in my step, glad to be alive,
Though I was 92 last week, doctor gave me these pills
Which made me feel like I'm 25.

No more afternoon naps now, Doris
No more gentle strolls along the prom.
No more moaning about the price of things,
No more playing bowls from this moment on,
Cos I'm a testosterone fuelled rocket
Ugh!!!I'm a sex machine so turn me on

Gonna head on down to Eastbourne ,Doris,
Like that Bionic Man , I've been remade
Gonna head on down to Eastbourne, Doris,
Where everyone is 80 in the shade,
Though they call it the Costa Geriatrica, those passionkiller Marks and Spencers knickers ain't gonna stop me getting my wicked way!

No more of them toasted teacakes
Wave goodbye to those buttered "scewnes",
No more of them toasted teacakes now,
Say goodbye to those buttered "scewnes",
(that's how they say 'scones' in Eastbourne)
No more delicate bone china teacups,
Gonna spew up my 15 pints of rotweiler lager in the road.

Gonna throw way that zimmerframe, babe
I think I'm seeing red
I'm gonna listen to that sound of shattering glass
Gonna kick in someone's head
'Cos I shot a man in Brighton,
'Cos he wouldn't speak up so I could hear what he said..


Won't you squeeze my teabag,
Till the juice runs down my chins,
Squeeze my teabag
Till that juice runs all down my chins,
Got that lead back in my pencil
And that zing back in my dingaling

Because my doctor's given me these pills, now
Feel like I'm born again,
My doctor's given me this Viagra pills,
Old John Thomas will rise again,
(ooh I say…)
So I'm off on my club 85/100 holiday,
Silver shaggers here we come.

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 06:40 PM

The Thin Line (Between Genius & Insanity)

Let me put nettles in your knickers, love
And drawing pins in your shoes
Then with every step you take
It'll drive away your blues.

Let me put red-hot pennies down your back, love
Barbed wire round your suspenders
Then with every move you make
You'll know I'm warm and tender

Let me put frogs in your bra-cups, love
And poison-ivy in your tights
Then you'll see just how much I need you
To do up my strait-jacket at night!

Here in the UK 'Suspenders' are what keeps a lady's stockings up!

The bit between the top of the stockings and the lady's pants is called 'The Giggling Strip' because if you get past that, you're laughing!

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 08:25 PM

Maybe you folks can finish this one.

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: LadyJean
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 10:26 PM

I wrote this when I was in high school.

Tune "I Don't Know How To Love Him" from "Jesus Christ Superstar"


I didn't know how to love him.
"Til I read "The Sensuous Woman"
It's not implicit.
It's quite explicit.
With ways to improve relationships, both marital and illicit.
Yes and illicit, quite so illicit, very illicit.
How to bring him down,
make him sing and shout.
How to talk of love let your feelings out.
Get yourself a can of whipped cream
and let it all hang out, yes let it all hang out.
So, if you find you're spending
Too many sad and lonely evenings.
Then check out J.
Yes good old J.
Yes shout hooray for good old J. She really saved the day!
Hooray for J. She saved the day.

(J. was the name used by the author of "The Sensuous Woman".

Subject: RE: 'Naughty' Songs by Mudcatters
From: Gibb Sahib
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 10:29 PM

I'll pass. Some things are better left "unprinted"! ...lest one sees the true dirt of my private mind. :0