BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column

Subject: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: olddude
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 12:16 PM

Well since Dear Abby is gone I though our Mudwomenz could help.

Dear Mudcat Abby
Last night I woke up and while walking to the bathroom fell over the 8 pairs of shoes that my Mrs left next to the bed. My question is how many feet does Womenz have? Did I without realizing get married to a centipede ?. Any advice you can give would be appreciated. How many feets does most womenz have?

Signed
Knot on Nogging

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 12:40 PM

The P-Vine has two feet and can kick my butt with either of them if I complain about tripping over her shoes...

She says that if I don't like tripping over her stuff that I should invest in some diapers and rubber pants so I don't have to get up in the dark to pee...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 12:57 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby
could my bride have been secretly replaced by Imelda Marcos? Is it possible that she had a shoe sale recently? Can only 1 shoe be sold on ebay?

any advice would be appreciated
signed
swimming in shoes

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 01:13 PM

A shoe addiction is better than what my late friend Fernley had, an addiction to buying little china figures, dogs, cats, pots, horses. The house was absolutely choc-a-bloc with them and her poor husband couldn't move without knocking one over and smashing it. She also liked those horrid soft toy teddy bears, and to get into bed, he had to shift about twenty of the buggers from the coverlet to the chest of drawers, knocking over yet more Beswick horses and Sylvac dogs. You be grateful it's just shoes mate!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Charmion
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 01:28 PM

Dear Swimming:

You're not going to get anywhere complaining either to your wife or about her. If you seriously want the shoes out from under the bed, ask your wife if she would like to have the bedroom closet renovated, the new arrangements to include everything her little heart desires plus a large and appealing rack for shoes.

Alternatively, you could try getting out of bed on your own side. Why are you climbing over your wife and getting out on her side?

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 01:36 PM

Dear Swimming: Recall the immortal words of Nancy Sinatra:

These shoes are made for walking
And that's just what they'll do . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Leadbelly
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 01:38 PM

I suppose there's a wall on swimmings side.In so far he has to climb over his darling regularly which she likes asking to him "Stay a little, my love".

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 01:41 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby
did the little china figures have any little nuns for SINS to put on her fireplace shelf?   Is it ok to bronze 8 pairs of shoes by the bed?

signed
Footman

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: gnu
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 01:45 PM

Dear Shoe Swamped:

Buy a nice sheet of Red Oak plywood (or whatever wood is your fetish) and 1/8" dowels to match. Drill the dowel holes in the plwd at 60 degress and screw the sucker to the bedroom wall next to the closet. A sufficient number of seasonal shoes can be hung on the dowels. Then, be a man and tell yer better half that any shoes found on the floor in footpaths shall donated to Headstart or some such charity without her knowledge and, when asked, "Have you seen my yellow with purple polka dot cross-trainers?" relpy, "No."... (real) men are want to actually ANSWER a damn question.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Abbey (chanelled thru gnu)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: ClaireBear
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 02:10 PM

Or, find a nice narrow shrub with lots of heavy branches suitable for hanging shoes on -- here in California I'd use a manzanita; don't know much about east coast shrubs -- cut it down, strip the leaves, mount it on a base. You'll have the definitive shoe tree.

Then you might put your eye out running into a high heel in the middle of the night, I suppose, but at least you won't trip anymore.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: MikeL2
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 02:15 PM

Hi Swimmings

I am married to a centipede as well as you !!!

We have just spent 6 glorious days in Wales...but I ask you 14 pairs of shoes for just 6 days???!!

And who do you think has to clean those blasted things eh ???

At least my "missus" doesn't leave her shoes out for me to fall over....or she won't have anyone to sit for hours in a shoe shop while she buys more of the blasted things.....and guess who pays.....yes me......cash and carry that's me.....lol

Cheers

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Will Fly
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 04:10 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby,

I have this compulsion to buy old pocket watches and wristwatches. I'm easily tempted to buy them and am spending all my money on them, bit by bit.

When I hear the word "Montgomery", I start salivating, and my best friends are called Hamilton, Waltham and Elgin. I think I'm losing my marbles...

Help!

Sincerely,

R.R. Grade

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Amergin
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 04:17 PM

well, like the advice Mudcat Abby imparted through the voice of John Prine....you are what you are and you ain't what you ain't.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 04:36 PM

You should write to Dear Chongo, Dan. He had an advice column going here awhile back, and you can probably find it with a brief search. Chongo knows all, sees all, tells all. Just ask him.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Greg F.
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 05:03 PM

You need feet to stand up straight with.
You need feet to kick your friends.
You need feet to put your shoes on
And keep your legs from fraying at the ends.

You need feet to join the army
And to dance the hoochy-koo
Yes, the whole world needs feet for something
And I need feet to run away from you.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 05:15 PM

Not bad! ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 05:56 PM

Dude,
I would be happy to lend you Alice who has taken to peeing in and on shoes. No - I don't know why. I rarely do with Alice.
I solved my problem with coat trees where I hang my shoes when I walk in the door. Problem solved.
Now tell me what to do about my "little" problem.
My Christmas Cactus did not look too well so I brought some Miracle Grow to work. A few drops in a bottle of water and lo and behold! New growth.
Unfortunately I inadvertantly drank the plant food. So how much does it take to kill a SINSULL? How soon will symptoms set in? Besides diarrhea (it is always diarrhea) what can I expect over the next 24 hours? How will I know if it is the plant food or the dicey curry I had for lunch.
SIGH
It's always something.
SINS (burp)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 06:05 PM

Alice is acting up due to her fear that you may perish from inadvertently drinking plant food and leave her without staff!

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: gnu
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 08:14 PM

CBear... what a lovely idea! Will... hahahahahaa! (Sorry, Dan... it WAS funny.)

SINS... get a load of rolls of swipe and sit in the greenhouse.

Dear M-Abbey

A rather comely young teller at my credit onion makes, perhaps, seemingly "vague advances", of which I am uncertain and that is why I ask your advice. Today, whilst making a transfer of funds between accounts, she asked me - again! - if I wanted a frozen turkey as she lives alone with two young daughters (who, she emphasized, spend the weekends with her ex) and she never cares to cook these turkeys given to her by her employer and union at Kissmeass because she and her daughters comprise such a small household. Do you think she wants me to cook her turkey or wants me to cook her turkey? If I do decide to cook her turkey, should I ask her if she wants it stuffed and how she wants it stuffed or should I just surprise her.

Sincerely,

Tom Turkey

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: kendall
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 08:36 PM

This is one of the best threads yet!


My wife used to go to England once a year for three weeks. Then it was twice a year for three weeks, now it's four times a year for a month. She's hanging out with strange people, one of them plays the banjo, and she's out late every night at some folk club, (she says).

How about I get me a spare? Rent a wife? What do you say?
An ad in the personals? How about something like this:
WANTED; A young woman to assume missionary position in Scarborough Maine.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 08:48 PM

I have 3-4 times as many shoes/boots as my lovely wife....as I never throw any away. You never know when those worn Earth shoes might be needed for a painting project.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 09:04 PM

Dear Sins (burp)
I have consulted higher authorities and assure you that you will be fine. However you may find that your nose hair growing like grape vines and become green in color. However, soon enough Christmas will be coming and think of the money you can make renting yourself out as a living mistletoe

signed
Mudcat Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: gnu
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 09:12 PM

Dear Lonely in Maine

By all means, post an advert for a tart but include in the qualifications that she have a spare room for you at her abode on accounta when Jac gets home ya won't even be able ta fit in the dog house after she kicks yer butt.

Mudcat Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 09:26 PM

Dear Lonesome Kendall in Maine
It is entirely you right to post such an ad .. but may I suggest that the Ad include selling your partner to the Gypsies for Whiskey. A good single malt goes a long way these days

Signed
Mudcat Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: kendall
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 09:32 PM

Something tells me I had better reconsider this whole thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: gnu
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 09:43 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby

I just got a text from "her". It read, "I love anal." I am distraught. I am old fashioned, I guess, so I am not into anything but "old fashioned love". Am I being prudish or should I be bold and open to things I never would have considered in order to satisfy her "wants"?

Wait... got another text. She meant to text, "I love Alan."

Nevermind.

Signed,

Relieved in Moncton

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Cap't Bob
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 10:20 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby
       Unfortunately I married a female clown and she has unfeasibly large feet with shoes to match. There is a pair to go with each of her clown costumes Our closets are so full of clown shoes that our clothes clutter up most of the floor in the bedroom. My problem is that when I stumble over the clothes should I fall on my right side, my left side, or my rear end? Possibly I should stop drinking water?             Confused

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Aug 13 - 10:30 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby

A very attractive woman whom I have deep feelings for recently confided in me that she has fallen in love with a Chimpanzee who works as a private investigator in Chicago. I fear that I may have lost her forever to...an ape! (sob!) What should I do?

Bereft in Orillia

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: gnu
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 08:01 AM

Dear Bereft

A monkey from The Windy City? Blow her off.

mc abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:13 AM

Dear Capt Bob
if you tell me the clown shoe size I bet I may have a match for you in the sea of shoes my missus has

Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:15 AM

Dear relieved
well all I can say ... there is no accounting for taste ... my thoughts and prayers for the young lady that is smitten for YOU

Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:16 AM

Dear Capt
can I have your old car after Jacqui kills you for your post on this thread

Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:18 AM

Dear Bereft
Are you sure you are talking monkey love and not monkey sex

Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:21 AM

Dear rr collector
I see no problem with your watch collecting. Time waits for no one. You show great intelligence and wise decision making by purchasing such. One suggestion, you may want to invest in a wiener dog and avoid Jell-o also

Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:55 AM

Dere Aby,

Thers a fin ladee at Sal's hous that wonnt haf nuthin to doo wit me evin tho I pay up an tipps rele gud.

Shud I tak a baf? Las tim wus jus befor rondup las fall.

Yur fren,
A cowboy

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: olddude
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 01:01 PM

Dear cowboy
No never takin a baf makes ya smell reeel girly .. cowboyz dunt like that much. try rubbin chewin baccy under ur pits instead

aby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 01:44 PM

Dear Abby,
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 02:19 PM

They sitteth well above the fray, observing us mortals from the heavenly realms.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 02:21 PM

"If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?" And if everyone in heaven gets a mansion, there are going to be a lot of lonely people.

You're welcome.

Aunt Mudcat

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 02:36 PM

Why?? Can't you have your own mansion, and not be lonely??

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: gnu
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 04:52 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby

Psychotics build sand castles in the air. Neurotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Rita Rudner

(One of my all time fav comdeians.)

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 04:54 PM

I think that Heaven is a state of mind, Ebbie...not a measureable 3D space somewhere with walls put up around it.

A given state of mind could also be referred to as "a mansion", I suppose....or "a hovel"...depending on its general characteristics.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 06:51 PM

Dear Mudcat Abby
Absolutely mansions in heaven where else can ya store all those shoes

Signed
For sale

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Cap't Bob
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 08:40 PM

Dear Abby
Clown shoes are measured in their length 17" is actually 17 inches long.
Typically clown shoes are around 13" to 17".      Cap't Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Janie
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 08:51 PM

Dear Cap't Bob,

Landing on either side or your rump is fine. Just don't fall on your face.

Or if you do, twist and turn as you fall to be sure your schnoz is cushioned by one of those big clown shoes. To hell with your back. It is doomed as you age anyway.

Mudcat Womanz.

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Cap't Bob
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:12 PM

FOR ALL THOSE INTERESTED IN CLOWNS LARGE FEET ~ SHOES ETC. A couple of clowns from Australia wrote a great song (at least I like it) dealing with this issue. The last part of the video has actual pictures of clown shoes. Check it out:   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPI2c-SuYPM&list=FL0I6IXvvFy8TrFPkocKGR6g&index=7

Cap't Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Aug 13 - 09:32 PM

Dere MC Aby,

I done did whut yo sade an rubbed some chawin baccy in ma pits. Now this hear mule ho wurks in a mine wont lev me alon an I think that mule is in luv with me cuz it keps rubing it assend on me an I aint no miner.

Wat shud I do now?

Yor Fiend,
A Cowboy

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Janie
Date: 04 Aug 13 - 12:40 AM

Dear Cowboy,

Accept the inevitable. Kiss it.

yers truly,
MC Abby

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 04 Aug 13 - 01:40 AM

thanks for the link Cap't Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Dear Mudcat Abby Olddude Column
From: gnu
Date: 04 Aug 13 - 05:47 AM

Link not found.