BS: Cat farts.

Subject: Cat farts.
From: Bert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 02:11 PM

Ol' Liz the squeak, in the 'new similes' thread was complaining of her malodorous cat.

Well, we've got three of the little buggers who are just as bad, if not worse.

I recall reading something once about the choice of catfood making a difference. Does anyone have a brand name that they recommend which might alleviate this serious problem?

Bert. (quick before I run out of joss sticks)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 03:11 PM

HD, I get it from the vet. One of them has to be on it for age and being prone to bladder infections. It is really good for them; little output and they don't eat as much, yet don't seem any hungrier than normal, plus that one has gained a little weight.

Used to use IAMS and had no problems with *SBD's then, either.

katlaughing

*silent, but deadlies

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Bert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 03:17 PM

OK, I'll try Iams next time. Any suggestions on canned food?

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 03:42 PM

Felix has always been good for me - Other half did the shopping a few weeks ago and got a deadly British brand called 'Paws'. Sorry, 'Spaw, but it made both cats impossible to live with, and I'm convinced that that is what made the computer crash last week..... There has always been a somewhat 'kittenish' aroma about them, but after eating 'Paws', they could have farted for Britain.... They could have filled the Goodyear Blimp and made it float round the world like Brightling Orbiter!!! Talk about painstripper poo!!! Now I'm no shrinking violet (you've seen the picture....) and I'm used to the malodourous manefestations of many a morris dance team, after all, I've had a baby, and there is precious little worse than baby poo, but two cats and a tin of 'Paws'and I'm screaming for mercy. Maybe if I sent them to Rotorua in NZ........

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: MMario
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 03:47 PM

heh-heh! That's where having "Barn Cats" is an advantage. We have two large (18 and 19 lb) orange ex-toms; who not nly always smell nice, but are the friendliest cats I've ever been associated with. They will do anything to be allowed indoors for a half hour or so....

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:41 PM

What's all this then? I thought this was a song thread . . . uh, you mean it's not? Well, maybe it could be, depending on whether or not your cat can get 'jiggy' with it . . .

-- Áine (proudly owned by 3 normal size alley cats and a 17 lb. Siamese toy-boy who suffer from SBDs)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Metchosin
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:20 PM

Hey MMario, you have barn cats too! So do I, although the Westie is much better at doing the vermin control job. Would love to have our Mao Mao inside, but both my husband and daughters are severely alergic to cats.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:27 PM

You thought it was the lyrics to 'Smelly Cat' didn't you!!

How about starting on this one then...

How much is that kitten in the window, The one with the odourous bum.

I'd love to have barn cats again, I spent a lot of my childhood on my grandfather's farm, and there were always at least 6 lurking about, but that was in Dorset and there aren't that many barns in East London, although there were 7 cats in the area when we moved our two in....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: KathWestra
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM

My cats (Tosspot a.k.a. "Tossie" and Misty)never go out in the Mud (or the barn, or the street...) They don't fart either, maybe due to the fact that, like Kat's cats, they eat Iams and Science Diet (the over-the-counter equivalent of what Kat gets from her vet). Mine are 17-1/2 and 13-ish years old and even if they were malodorous, I'd like that better than not having them around. They probably are wondering what they should feed ME..... *BG*

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: paddymac
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:12 PM

How much is that kitten in the window, the one with the odorous bum.
The aroma is one that we should know, reminds me of ____ ____ ___ ___.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:25 PM

Me, too, Kath. I asked my vet about Science Diet and they said this one was different. Maybe they are just scamming me for the money. Oh, and I had the name wrong...it is c/d.

Bert, because my Siamese, Heyokah, my "mamma's boy" is almost toothless and my other Siamese, Lovee, my "grrrrl", has an auto-immune thing which makes her mouth sore, I mix a little bit of the little tins of Fancy Feast with a jar of chicken baby food. They each get a litle over a spoonful twice a day. The rest of them, Kazell, Charlie, Kelpie, and Trystan get about a spoonful per day of just the Fancy Feast.

In 1983, all of my cats had free rein to wander in and out over the prairie and home. When we moved to New England, they all became strictly house cats; the traffic etc. would have quickly killed them all. Since then, they've all become accustomed, even the old die hard prairie cats, the last one of which passed on this year, to being inside all of the time, safe and sound.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:44 PM

How much is that kitten in the window, The one with the odorous bum. The aroma is one that we should know, Reminds me of green river scum.

His eyes are the colour of emeralds, His toothies they shine in the sun, I would love to hug him and kiss him, If his butt didn't smell like bad rum.

Next . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Micca
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:55 PM

Have you tried charcoal biscuits, you don't feed them. you ram them up with a broom handle (running for cover)or the old Simon Wales remedy of a champagne cork (think shape)and a crocquet mallet( dons tin hat and flak jacket and runs for it)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 07:39 PM

Interestingly enough, most of ours never fart....they are evidently satisfied with the occasional crap on the floor instead. It seems to be a game of sorts with them as we have three litter boxes and it isn't related to how clean they are. I think the little assholes do it just to piss me off. We have them ranging in age from almost 20 years to 4 months, 7 in all. Cutter, my old black kittup,in his last days; Genoa (Poogee)a calico, who is only affectionate when she's pregnant or nursing, the best Momma Cat I ever saw; Freddie Cougar, a blue/green eyed, champagne tabby, who sleeps 20 hours a day but also loves to nuzzle your neck; Gus, a sweet but bad-assed and fat-assed, long haired gray; Scrounger, my boy, and the name reflects his disposition, but also a great lap sitter, very doglike with me, follows me everywhere; Moggy, a gray & white Cornish Rex, suffering from terminal weirdness, but an outstanding lap cat; and Rocky, 4 months old and full of himself.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Metchosin
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:23 PM

Well Micca if thats what you think you should do for farts you should enjoy this

Giving Ralphs Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:40 PM

Ya know, I had a cat with bowel problems and my vet suggested a 1/2 teaspoon of gasoline fer chrissake! I admit that I thought the guy was nuts, but it did work, sorta. It ain't too easy to get a half teaspoon of gasoline down a cat's throat, but when I did, he liked to tore me to shreds getting away. He blasted around the room about 3 or 4 times, ran up the hallway, up the stairs, back down both, and into the den, leaped on the drapes and ran to the end of the curtain rod where he stopped and fell to the floor. I thought I'd killed the poor thing, but it turns out he'd just run out of gas.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: MMario
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:48 PM

I am trying to remember if ANY of the cats that have owned me over the years farted....none that I can remember - but none of them got canned food, either. could that be it? One did have the annoying habit of spending the breakfast hour facing directly out the window with his tail completly vertical. such a lovely view for humans.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Margo
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:51 PM

Got a good healthy chuckle out of that one, Spaw. Our cat doesn't have any problems with gas. But she upchucks all the time. We've tried all the remedies. Maybe it's because she's a mighty huntress. Always bringing a dead something to the door. But they don't eat their catch, do they? They just like to hunt and kill....
Margo

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Micca
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:52 PM

Yeah Metchosin we had this from a friend. There is rather a good cat story of his, he lived in a flat(apartment)that had a shower cubicle but no bathtub. His Cat Gordon is a large malevolent black and white who was about 4 Kg in weight when this took place. Simon relocated with his job to Brighton, bought a flat and moved in avec Mog. on the first w/e in his new apartment he is lying in the bath with a cup of coffee and a contemplative cigarette and the Sunday Times when in comes Gordon, the cat has never seen a bathtub before so he walks alng the edge, loses his footing and falls in. A lapful of wet irate cat caused Simon to rise up out of the tub like a polaris missile in terror for his "parts" Apart from superficial scratches he was ok and spent the rest of the day soothing his cat.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From:
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 09:08 PM

Here is what to do:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and havebothlids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 09:29 PM

Spaw, I KNEW we had a lot in common! Lapcats, necknuzzlers, Oooo, we are a mushy lot, aren't we?

Margo, I had one that upchucked a lot. Vet said it was because he ate too fast. This proved true with him and a couple of others. The solution was to put a few pebbles in his dish, so that he had to eat around them, looking for his food and nudging it to within reach, thus making him slow down and chew each bite twenty times or whatever it is our mothers told us!*BG* Try it, it really works!

BTW: my cats say when they break wind and raise their tails for a full view, they are inviting you to shove your nose in, to get really fmailiar with them, even, dare I say it? To do like the other cats do and lick their arsehole. Hey, that's what it looks like! They are so casual about it! Eeeuuuwww! Ack! Ack!

MR DOG: you and I are going to have to have a little talk about humane treatments, right after I bung up that Micca fellow with his suggestions! "Say...did you two come from the same litter?!!" she said, flak-slashing claws extended and ready!

katLAUGHING...REALLY!!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 09:38 PM

Vomit. An important reason to have multiple cats. In any group of 4 or larger, for every Upchucker, there will be at least one Gourmet......talk about EEEEUUUUUWWWW ACK! Oh well, beats stepping in it unawares........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 09:40 PM

Here's one for you, Kat:

He mews as I scratch his ears and hold him,
He nuzzles my cheek with a purr,
He raises his tail in greatest pleasure,
Too bad that his end has no fur!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 10:35 PM

I knew that this was a song thread! Here's the complete (compleat) Cat Farts Theme Song:

Chorus:
How much is that kitten in the window,
The one with the odorous bum.
The aroma is one that we should know,
Reminds me of green river scum.

His eyes are the colour of emeralds,
His toothies they shine in the sun,
I would love to hug him and kiss him,
If his butt didn't smell like bad rum.

(Chorus)

He mews as I scratch his ears and hold him,
He nuzzles my cheek with a purr,
He raises his tail in greatest pleasure,
Too bad that his end has no fur!

(Chorus)

The man says there'll be no charge for him, dear
He's free to the first true good home,
But beware of his little SBD's, dear,
He could part the Red Sea with no comb!

(Chorus)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 10:48 PM

Uh, yeah Aine.......real good.... very nice........ sure to be smash..................... oy...... geeziz..............................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 10:54 PM

Dear 'Spaw,

I KNEW you'd like it .... what do ya say .... me and you .... a duet .... it could be BIG ....

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 11:09 PM

I dunno Aine......Like I said, my voice is so bad that I think you could make even ME sound good, but we gotta' talk about that line saying "Bad Rum." Its like Richard Pryor said about "Bad Pu..uh,.........well,uh....wait a minute...this IS a thread about kitties and such so I guess I can say pussy here huh??.......Well anyway, there ain't no such thing as "Bad Rum" EITHER........I ain't never had any bad____________,but if you got some bad ___________ please let me try it to give you a definitive answer!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: McKnees
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 03:00 AM

We could all join in and have a cats chorus. Love the song McKnees

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: MandolinPaul
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 07:32 AM

A message to all of you cat owners who enjoy "neck-muzzlers":

CATS DON'T USE TOILET PAPER!!!!!

Paul

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From:
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:22 AM

Have 4 of the critters running around. Bailey, Billie, Barney and Big Al. Try to say those 4 names fast. The first 2 aren't so bad as far as the SBDs go. They have other anoying tricks. Bailey can puke up a hairball the size of Texas pretty much on command- mostly if she's pissed off about something. Wished I could have whatever's in it tested and patented. It strips the finsh right off what ever she decides to puke on. Think this is how Homer Formsby got his start?

Billie is pretty much anti social. When he does decide that he needs some attention (about every 2 weeks and usually just to let me know he wants the warm spot on the couch and I really out to move my fat arse), he drools- gallons!

Big Al and Barney ( I call them "the boys") are a persian and siamese in that order. Both are prone to SBDs, usually reserved for when I have company or when Barn decides he wants to sleep "under the covers". I think they are both trying to set the record for "Hang Time"

Feed them Deli Cat- had to find something after they quit making "Thrive"- thought there was going to be a revolt over that! None of them will even touch canned food. Bailey and Barney like the dog's food as well. Barney will eat just about anything- food off the stove while it's cooking if I'm not careful. Thank heavens for lids.

Used to have a cat growing up named Patches. Ugliest cat you ever saw- worst temperment also. If she got mad at you she would pee on something with your scent. She discovered that if peed down the floor register in the dining room, it would drip onto my brother's pillow in his bedroom in the basement.

Laura

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Mudjack
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 01:11 PM

This has been a fun one, I'm still laughing. Dog? it might be a bit cruel, but it's still funny.
We need to feed these critters laxatives, botttle up the results and all sent to the Harry Fox Agency. They have a gourmet fancy for Cat Sh##.
Mudjack

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 01:48 PM

Metachisn, /I think terminal weirdness is an inbred cat trait, as said before somewhere, my white cat was seen hanging halfway in and out the catflap, waiting for the other cat to come and lick his bum.....

If you don't like the bum in the face routine of a morning - my other cat sits on my chest and stuffs her arse in my nose every day - a short sharp puff of air will soon dislodge her, the noise sounds like sniffing and the return puff of air makes her feel uncomfortable, so she sits on it, or turns round.

As for pill giving.... don't even get me started on that!!

LTS

And the song is great, I may just steal it!!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:38 PM

Liz -- Steal away! Feel free, since you began it in the first place!! This was a fun BS thread, even if the 'title' did 'stink' (LOL) . . . Although we may have offended the more pure-at-heart folks (see Art Thieme's 'Nothing Worth Opening Here Lately' thread), this little respite from the songs I usually write was wonderful!

Have fun singing the song -- my kids loved it -- just remember DON'T TURN IT INTO PERFORMANCE ART!!!

Sing away, Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Caitrin
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 04:02 PM

We did have three cats. Lotus was lost to feline leukemia this summer, and Miranda moved in across the street. (Really...she just decided Richard and Lynette needed her more than we did after their cat Simmie died.) Scott, a beautiful 18 pound long-haired black and white male, now thinks that he has "won" by becoming top cat. His biggest quirk is that, when he has entered a fit of pique because we humans are not performing up to his standards, he destroys things. He is a generally nice cat, but when he's angry, sponges and paper towels beware!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Susan A-R
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:17 PM

Ultimate cat vengance I have encountered,my friend's cat PKP dumps in the sink when angry at her people, and she gets upset at 'em a lot. She also does a fair amount of what Beth calls prey part decorating, YUCK!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: _gargoyle
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:35 PM

In another thread-post

THIS THREAD

has been insinuated/supported as being one of the "all-time classic great threads" which will go down in "DT/MC" history.

Hear My Cry!!!!

The barbarians are no longer "at the gates".... they have breached the mud-walls....and are in full control of "the digital-city."

I now know how Isiah felt.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Caitrin
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 11:30 PM

What's that supposed to mean, Gargoyle?

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 11:46 PM

Dear gargoyle,

My dear, you have misquoted the wise and all-knowing paddymac. Here's the relevant portion of his post to the 'Nothing Worth Opening Here Lately' thread:

'. . . let's not forget that the creative muse may strike anywhere, anytime. Just in the last 48 hours we've seen the creation of a sure-to-become-a-classic *BG* parody (How much is that kitten in the window) dealing with the apparently wide-spread problem yet esoteric topic of cat farts. Now, tell me, is there another place in either the real or virtual world that can be said to truly foster such creativity?'

It was the song paddymac was speaking of, gargoyle, not this thread itself. Next time when you slap your fonts on the table to see whose got the biggest, make sure you've got your facts straight.

All the best, Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 12:33 AM

Dear Caitrin,

In regards to your question to gargoyle asking him what his large-fonted posting meant, it refers to his purported dislike of BS threads and/or those threads that do not specifically relate to musical topics. However, I will point out to you that he has a strange propensity to post to these supposedly 'hated' threads.

His reference to Isaiah is, I believe, specific to Chapters 56 to 66 of the Book of Isaiah in the Old Testament, known as Third Isaidh or Trito-Isaiah, believed to have been written by a series of authors between 525 and 475 B.C. Some of the material may have been authored even later, between 375 and 250 B.C.

I believe that gargoyle is drawing on the final chapter of the Book of Isaiah (66: 1-24) which contains a prophetic denunciation of the Temple, as well as three prophetic sayings that announce its imminent end.

Isaiah (66:15-16):

'For behold, the Lord will come in fire, and his chariots like the stormwind, to render his anger in fury, and his rebuke with flames of fire. For by fire will the Lord execute judgment, and by his sword, upon all flesh; and those slain by the Lord shall be many.'

Lovely thought, isn't it? As Lewis Carroll said so well, 'Beware the Jaberwock, my son.'

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 05:03 AM

-- Áine, 'e hine't the Jabberwock, luv, 'e's the frumious bandersnatch.

--seed

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 10:12 AM

Oh my Gaaaad, I've created a monster!!!!

And this is all the fault of a small white and ginger cat called Ceramin, who is at this very moment, downstairs, in the kitchen, blissfully asleep on my mother's cookbook (open at the Christmas Pudding page - last years effort took 30 mins to extinguish, going for the full hour this Christmas), totally unaware of what fame has in store for him...

Oh, and in case you are interested (serious threaders, pull out now) his name, with a hard C, is Latin. He is mostly white, with a ginger head and tail, with the odd splash of ginger about his body and legs. When we first got him, my husband took one look and said 'He looks like a used Q-Tip/CottonBud', and so he got his name, Ceramin, which is Latin for earwax.

LTS

And surely that should be 'chariots like the cat fart'....?

Subject: Lyr Add: JABBERWOCKY (Lewis Carroll)
From: Áine
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 11:19 AM

Dear 'Seed,

You are absolutely correct! And for those of us who have misplaced our copies of Through The Looking Glass, here is the complete (compleat) poem:

JABBERWOCKY
by Lewis Carroll

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

`Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jujub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!'

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum gree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wook,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

`And has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Calloh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Caitrin
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 02:45 PM

Thanks, Aine. I got the first part, but I'm afraid I'm not quite as up on my Bible knowledge as you are. Gargoyle, aren't you being a little melodramatic?

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 09:13 PM

And here's how Babelfish frenchified it just now:

JABBERWOCKY par Lewis Carroll

`C'etait le brillig , et les toves slithy
ont fait le gyre et gimble dans le wabe;
Tout mimsy étaient les borogoves,
et l'outgrabe de raths de mome.
`Prenez garde de le Jabberwock, mon fils!
Les mâchoires qui mordent,
les griffes qui attrapent!
Prenez garde de l'oiseau de Jujub,
et évitez le Bandersnatch frumious! '

Il a pris sa épée vorpal à disposition:
Long temps l'ennemi de manxome qu'il a recherché;
-- ainsi reposé il par le gree de Tumtum,
et tenu pendant quelque temps dans la pensée.

Et comme dans l'uffish a pensé qu'il s'est tenu,
le Jabberwock, avec des yeux de flamme,
est venu whiffling par le wook de tulgey,
et burbled pendant qu'il venait!

Un, deux! Un, deux! Et par et par
la lame vorpal est allé le snicker-casse-croûte!
Il l'a laissé mort, et de pair avec sa tête
il est allé galumphing en arrière.

`Et as tu massacré le Jabberwock?
Venez à mes bras, mon garçon de beamish!
Jour frabjous de O! Calloh! Callay!
Il chortled dans son brillig de la joie

`C'etait le brillig, et les toves slithy
ont fait le gyre et gimble dans le wabe;
Tout mimsy étaient les borogoves,
et l'outgrabe de raths de mome.

Dunno what that's got to with Cat Farts mind you - this isn't so much "thread creep" or "thread drift" as "thread lurch". Don't go telling anyone on those heavy threads about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 10:55 PM

If anyone is interested, Jabberwocky sings jes' fine (in harmony yet) to Beethoven's Ode To Joy. (note music content)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Jeri
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 11:04 PM

Or Greensleeves, but I think I prefer Ode to Joy.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Caitrin
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 07:10 AM

Cool! You can sing almost any of Emily Dickinson's poems to "The Yellow Rose of Texas." And Robert Frost's "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" to "Hernando's Hideaway".

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Micca
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 11:57 AM

Caitrin, I think that is truly perverse Robert Frost and Hernandos Hideaway very weird.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: paddymac
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 04:13 PM

Not being well-versed on poetry independent of a good tune, I just gotta believe that the venerable Carroll's masterpiece would more easily roll of the tongue, in any language, after half a dozen or so pints. :>)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 04:33 PM

Aine, I can't believe you actually went to the Bible to trace a _gargoyle allusion. I'll bet the boy is beside himself with joy over that one. As for me, I can't believe he had any specific Biblical text in mind if he can't spell Isaiah.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Peter T.
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 06:17 PM

Caitrin, you have now totally ruined Robert Frost's lovely poem for me!!!! (Whose woods, these are, I think I know -- cha, cha, dip). yours, Peter T. (laughing hysterically). (Some say, the world, will end in fire, cha, cha, dip....)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Caitrin
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 06:23 PM

I've created a monster. :)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From:
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 06:52 PM

Todays piece of utterly useless information !!!
FART in the scandinavian languages means PLATE.
SO why has the cat got more than one plate(dish)?
Asks he with stupid grin!

John.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 11:35 PM

In French, the word for fart is pet - hence Le Petomaine, I suppose, but it brings a whole new meaning to giving the cat a pet - as if he needs more....

Then there would be that group the Pet Shop boys.

Which means that there are shops where you can buy pets.

And heavy petting would be way out there with the other no-nos...

Sorry, but it is actually 4.30am real time, and I'm startng to get silly.... ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Oh, and cul de sac literally means 'arse of bag'...... Thanks Aud!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Bert
Date: 30 Nov 99 - 03:00 PM

Well to get back to the original problem, They've been on Cat's Choice from Sam's warehouse for a few days now and the odorous eminations are consirably reduced. Thanks for your help, everyone, in resolving this most disturbing problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 30 Nov 99 - 03:32 PM

Dearest Bert (my favorite WTB),

I cannot believe that you've reopened this thread -- Although, it has to rank (pardon the pun) among the Mudcat classics, I'm sure! Is this just an excuse for you to sing The Compleat Cat Farts Theme Song on the next edition of Mudcat Radio?

Back on topic -- careful, don't slip ;-) -- we changed over to Purina Cat Chow Special Formula (the one for older cats with urinary tract issues) and the house is definitely smelling less like a pissoir/abatoir now.

Now, if we could just do something about the dog's emissions -- he's on a reduced calorie dry food and refuses to eat it very much -- he ends up stealing bits and pieces off the table and has even gotten into the garbage once or twice. And this is not a puppy, but an 8-year old who knows better than this!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Lynn T
Date: 30 Nov 99 - 03:54 PM

There is a "proper" French version of Jabberwocky, as well as a Latin version; I remember calligraphing Jaseroque for my elder brother about 25 years ago. It runs (and actually makes a fair amount of sense in French) as follows:

Jaseroque

Il brilgue: les tôves lubricilleux Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave. Enmîmés sont les gougebosqueux Et le mômerade horsgrave.

<>

Son glaive vorpal en main, il va- T-à la recherche du fauve manscant; Puis arrivé à l'arbre Té-té, Il y reste, réfléchussant.

Pendant qu'il pense, tout uffusé, Le Jaseroque, à l'oeil flambant, Vient siblant par le bois tullegeais, Et burbule en venant.

Un deux, un deux, par le milieu, Le glaive vorpal fait pat-à-pan! La bête défaite, avec sa tête, Il rentre gallomphant.

<> Il cortule dans sa joie.

Il brilgue: les tôves lubricilleux Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave. Enmîmés sont les gougebosqueux Et le mômerade horsgave.

My cats aren't gassy - they just have bad breath when they get fish too often. Dad's Low-Ash Gourmet dry catfood does it for them, plus a slice of Velveeta each day for the geriatric 18-year-old calico.

Lynn

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From:
Date: 30 Nov 99 - 04:24 PM

The smog comes in in little cat farts,
And then fouls Mudcat's Forum,
And then lingers on,
and on,
and on.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 30 Nov 99 - 04:41 PM

Dear Anonymous,

Sticks and stones may break my bones, But words shall never hurt me. (And they're so much easier to just ignore)

And, just in case you didn't get that last bit, it was a double-entendre.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Bert
Date: 30 Nov 99 - 04:45 PM

GOT 'IM hee hee

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Nov 99 - 10:09 PM

"Who fouls this forum, I think I know
His real name in unknown, though.
Through Mudcat village he doth lurk,
And spreads unrest like flakes of snow.

Our little group must think it queer,
That one so bright should,year by year,
Complain so much, yet stay around,
Though other sites are mouse-click near..."

...etc....etc...apologies to Bobby Frost

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Dec 99 - 02:35 AM

Who would have thought one small white and ginger cat could have caused so much.

The answer to my problem is: Don't let the SO go shopping for catfood again!! 'Twas he bought the cheapo stuff that resulted in the malodourous bum episode. Back on the middle price range stuff now, and life is a little less fragrant. Just have to stop him sleeping in the bread bin now....

Thank you one and (mostly) all!

And for dogs - charcoal biscuits work a treat. Don't feed them to it, stuff 'em up his bum!! HA HA HA (mad maniacal laughter)

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Dec 99 - 07:21 AM

Sounds like a solution to the problem to me Squeaks. Good job.....So what have you come up with for your unwanted chest hair?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 01 Dec 99 - 07:55 AM

Catspaw, I find, a nice hot shower gets rid of all that unwanted chest hair. Although, I guess a lint brush would do.

BB

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Dec 99 - 08:00 AM

I dunno BB....I think Squeak's problem may be more deep rooted than that, so to speak.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Dec 99 - 02:19 PM

I DO NOT HAVE A HAIRY CHEST, DO YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE THE PICTURES TO PROVE IT???

It's like how do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

Clean your teeth....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Stewie
Date: 16 Feb 00 - 02:19 AM

This may be of interest. I stumbled upon it as a link from a jazz/blues lyrics site. It seems to be exhaustive on the subject - it includes a section on animal farts, reading lists, a treasury of childhood fartlore, definitive dictionary of words for 'fart' etc.

click here

In case the clicky thing doesn't work the URL is:

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

--Stewie.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Banjer
Date: 16 Feb 00 - 04:36 AM

Gotta go there!!! What an encyclopedia...Everything you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask! Link doesn't seem to work, but copy and paste the URL.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: GUEST,Bud Savoie
Date: 16 Feb 00 - 07:10 AM

I have to get a life. I can't believe I just read the entire thread on cat farts.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 00 - 09:33 AM

Bud, I hear you loud and clear...I just read it my ownself. Sheeshe, what a ripe lot!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Feb 00 - 01:31 PM

It's alright for you, I have to live with the above mentioned animal and HE'S STILL DOING IT.... especially after a prolonged visit to the vet!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Amos
Date: 16 Feb 00 - 02:33 PM

LTS -- is he trying to tell you something?

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: BlueJay
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 01:58 PM

Just got a cat last week- nobody told me they farted. Poor thing meowed at all the neighbors doors for a couple of days before I determined she didn't belong to anyone in the area. Not even full grown, she's really mellow, (my three year old uses her for a necklace), she was dehydrated and starving, so we took her in. It may sound ridiculous, but we got a dog the next day- we'd been planning that. But the dog farts too. Do you think they're marking their territory? A defensive mechanism perhaps. They seem to tolerate each other fairly well. Oh, well it's nice to have an understanding landlord, (originally was no pets, due to neglected Rottweilers). And it's really great to have PETS back in our lives: Sea Monkeys just don't cut it. I was thinking of an alligator, but after reading this thread...

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: BlueJay
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 02:04 PM

Oh yeah- The cat shit in my shoe. Is there any signifigance to that? She knows how to use the litter box.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Metchosin
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM

And I read the whole tome on the fart link too, even stooping so low as to copy the Farter from Sparta! Jeesh, whats happened to me? But I'm sure some wag will be able to come up with a tune for it. (in keepin with the prime directive)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Sorcha
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 04:03 PM

In all seriousness, flautulence usually has to do with diet,esp. in dogs. Table scraps should be a no no, and also high fat pet foods. Read the label on what you are feeding, and try to find something with less fat. Some animals are sensitive to specific things, just like humans. It could be horse meat that is causing the problem. Try to switch to a dry, urinary tract diet, but cats are notorious for not wanting to switch brands. Rawhide dog chews also cause this problem, and will swell in the gut and cause intestinal blockages. I give a high desity "baked bone" to my dogs. These are real bones that have been pressure treated so as not to splinter.
Sorcha,not a vet

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 09:50 PM

Avoid cheap cat food, don't let them eat brocolli, even though mine will grab it off your plate or, in one case, off the fork halfway to your mouth!

And watch out, there are some very nasty and largely UNPUBLICISED viruses out there, including a feline immuno deficiency virus, known as FIV, and related to the HIV virus but not transferrable to humans. It is VERY transferrable in cats, usually one or two good deep bites will do it.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Troll
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 10:03 PM

To the tune of "Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs..."

Cat farts! Smelly cat farts! What kind of cats let smelly cat farts?

Fat cats, thin cats, cats both owned and strayed;

Mixed breeds, pedigreeds, even cats who have been spayed let

Cat farts! Stinkin' cat farts!

That last and last all night.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Sorcha
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 10:26 PM

Also, Feline Infectious Peritonitis, aka FIP, also non transferable to humans, but DEATH to a Cattery!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Pelrad
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 10:41 PM

Blue Jay, the cat shat in your SHOE?! Geez, mine have the good manners to hide it in the laundry pile. ;-)

In the cases of both your cat and your dog, the cause of flatulence is probably a change in diet. It doesn't even matter if you are feeding them top of the line, break the bank food like Kat gives hers; if they are eating different food this week than they were last week, they're going to be stinky for a while.

As for the shitty shoe...Was her box accessible and clean? Mine go where they please when the box gets full. Otherwise, I don't know; maybe the message was "Thanks for taking me in and giving me a lovely new home. Allow me to make your shoes more comfortable."

Our cats have no flatulence problem unless they are eating cheap food, especially the canned variety (which also causes them to emit deathlumps in the litter box). Sometimes if we have switched from one brand to another they get stinky. They do fine on Purina ProPlan or the brand called 365, which we pick up for very little money in the local health food store ($1.99 for 4 pounds!). They do eat a lot less of the 365 than the tastier ProPlan, but they are beautifully healthy on both.

Not that anyone cares, but it will make me happy to tell you that we have four kitties; Houdini is 10 and the newest addition (black cat, green eyes, total wimp with gorgeous siamese-shaped face. quite the yowler; he came with the house we just moved into), Lydia is our first kitty (tortoise-shell calico with yellow eyes and a half yellow-tiger and half black-tiger face, part Siamese by the sound of her, total lovey; 5 years old this coming April), ZZ the former mama cat was rescued from negligent neighbors after five litters of babies (white with black tiger splotches all over her, also a half-and-half face and green eyes and bunny-like fur - probably from consuming so many of them...She turned 5 in October but had all her babies before she was 3), and Gilbert (grey tiger with spots instead of stripes, green eyes; totally timid but hounds his chosen person -me- half to death, he turned 2 in June). Whew, I feel better now. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Pelrad
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 10:41 PM

Blue Jay, the cat shat in your SHOE?! Geez, mine have the good manners to hide it in the laundry pile. ;-)

In the cases of both your cat and your dog, the cause of flatulence is probably a change in diet. It doesn't even matter if you are feeding them top of the line, break the bank food like Kat gives hers; if they are eating different food this week than they were last week, they're going to be stinky for a while.

As for the shitty shoe...Was her box accessible and clean? Mine go where they please when the box gets full. Otherwise, I don't know; maybe the message was "Thanks for taking me in and giving me a lovely new home. Allow me to make your shoes more comfortable."

Our cats have no flatulence problem unless they are eating cheap food, especially the canned variety (which also causes them to emit deathlumps in the litter box). Sometimes if we have switched from one brand to another they get stinky. They do fine on Purina ProPlan or the brand called 365, which we pick up for very little money in the local health food store ($1.99 for 4 pounds!). They do eat a lot less of the 365 than the tastier ProPlan, but they are beautifully healthy on both.

Not that anyone cares, but it will make me happy to tell you that we have four kitties; Houdini is 10 and the newest addition (black cat, green eyes, total wimp with gorgeous siamese-shaped face. quite the yowler; he came with the house we just moved into), Lydia is our first kitty (tortoise-shell calico with yellow eyes and a half yellow-tiger and half black-tiger face, part Siamese by the sound of her, total lovey; 5 years old this coming April), ZZ the former mama cat was rescued from negligent neighbors after five litters of babies (white with black tiger splotches all over her, also a half-and-half face and green eyes and bunny-like fur - probably from consuming so many of them...She turned 5 in October but had all her babies before she was 3), and Gilbert (grey tiger with spots instead of stripes, green eyes; totally timid but hounds his chosen person -me- half to death, he turned 2 in June). Whew, I feel better now. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 17 Feb 00 - 11:05 PM

Ah, ain't it nice that all you newbies are carrying on a great Mudcat tradition!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 02:25 PM

I dunno...I think it's just part of the infamous cat mystique--my three are all selective about timing, it seems to me.

And here's my list of Furry Children: Bat (small fierce black short-hair with amber eyes, pointy batlike face, and evil disposition--master serial killer of small shrieking things), Lonnie Sue Chaney (gray and brown tabby klutz--the only truly clumsy cat I've ever been owned by--has an incredible raccoon tail), and Bela Bruce Lugosi (gray tiger with a loving disposition for humans, a razor-sharp temper for her brothers, and is an avid proponent of decorating with body parts, particularly the living room right after I clean it). Oh, yeah, and our poor little poodle Woof, who TRIES to make the damned cats mind, but they just WILL NOT cooperate. I love being a work-at-home Mom to this crew; the only problem is, some days I speak more dog and cat than English! I gotta get a life outside this place one of these days...

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 03:38 PM

GET VAH-VOOM, TODAY!

[60'2-ish TV cartoon-type ad]
[jingle plays...]

Wanna get ridda that (ooo!) awful stink?
And keep your kitty (blap!) in the pink?
Bristol & Meyers have done it for you!
Getcha self a bottle of New, Vah-Voom!

No morra those nasties when (whoops!) kitty poots!
No need to change kibbles! (zing!) Use Puss-n-Boots!
One little dose is all you will need!
With New Vah-Voom--it's guaranteed!

[voiceover]
All you cat lovers, now you can keep pussy AND your hsuband purring like kittens! Use it once week! VAH-VOOM! Vah-Voom is scientifically formulated to send your little stinker right over the moon, and we swear, kittly'll come back down clean as a whislte! Vah-Voom! Pick up a bottle today!

Oh look at that kitty all (whoosh) clean and neat!
Look at old Henry (zamm) Flew forty feet!
Hurry and get some, you'll be glad you do!
New Vah-Voom! It's the answer for you!

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Osmium
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 05:27 PM

If all else fails try a Homeopathic Vet; nice to use something that science sais cannot work but we've had a lot of succes not just with cat farts but dog farts, hampster farts and snake bites.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:29 PM

Oooooeeee, eetle hamster farts!! Can ye light 'em?

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: rangeroger
Date: 25 Feb 01 - 10:36 PM

As it is the anniversary of my entry into the zany world of the Mudat community I thought I would resurrect a few of the threads that ensnared me here and insured my Mudcat addiction.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Feb 01 - 10:43 PM

(cat farts, oh noooooooo)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 25 Feb 01 - 11:13 PM

Happy Mudcatversary, rangeroger!! This thread is definitely at the top of my own 'Mudcat Classic Thread' list -- thanks for bringing back some good memories.

-- Áine (who's got a new doggie friend now, who is just as flatulent as his (wonderful, faithful, sweet, brave) predecessor!)

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: BlueJay
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 05:14 AM

Rangeroger- Wow, I'd completely forgotten this one. I'm sure you'll be happy to know that both my cat and my dog are now stinkless, mostly. Also, the need to shit in my shoes has thankfully ended. Happy Mudcat Anniversary. You may do what you wish with this valuable information. BlueJay

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: GUEST,Mark. West Sussex U.K.
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 07:06 AM

Oh Noooooh! I don't believe this. Where else in the world could you get nearly a hundred people discussing farting felines. Priceless! Thanks you lot, you may not have cured the cats but you sure as hell have cheered me up. Anyway, I have this tortoise ... no, forget it.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Katcina
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 09:46 AM

I managed to resist the urge to open this last night. Sure am glad now that I did, or I would have never gotten to sleep for laughing so hard. With 3 cats, 2 dogs, and crazy George I appreciate all of the good advice on how to handle the problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: wdyat12
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 11:23 AM

Cat farts are one thing, but......

I haven't enjoyed the company of a cat inside my house since Rosie passed away, but I have many well-mannered cats and dogs that frequent my porch to bask in the sun and receive many hugs, pats, and praise from me. These are my company when I'm outside, my "porchpals" as I call them. I never feed them because I wouldn't want other people feeding my pets if I had any. I've never noticed any foul odors emanating from these animals while enjoying their company, however, there is this phantom, Old Tom, that leaves his calling card on my front door when the other female cats are in heat. Geeze! does that stink when the sun bakes on it. I have tried everything from Urine-Kleen to new paint to eradicate the smell and have been fairly successful, but that does not discourage Old Tom from marking his territory on a regular basis. As soon as he senses that I have erased the smell, he sneaks back and reestablishes his claim on my porch. I have had several heart to heart talks with Old Tom about the problem, but he says he forgets. Anyone know any cat psychology or have any humane ideas for discouraging this kind of behavior? I enjoy his company too, so I don't want him to feel unwelcome. Pew!

wdyat12

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 02:38 PM

Covering up the stink just makes him want to repost it as it were, like refreshing an old thread.....

Thanks for the memories of Stinky Cat Farts, something I don't get a great deal of now that the perpetrator has passed to that litter tray in the sky. He never did poop in anyone's shoes that I remember, although he did puke on the bed once.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Jock Morris
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 04:48 PM

Dave Goulder's method for worming a cat would probably work for curing the farts as well. Involves about 30 feet of string with a knot at every three, a sardine as bait and a cruel streak:-) When I see him next I'll try and get the words for his nasty little poem.

Nice chap as Dave is he ain't no cat lover.

Scott

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: JenEllen
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 05:30 PM

Gawd you guys make me laugh!!

First off, most of the gastrointestinal problems that animal have are diet related. Almost ALL of their physical problems can be related to diet.

For cats, the best all around diet I've found is ScienceDiet adult maintenence. Don't let the price fool you. They have a feeding chart on the back, and price-wise, the food just lasts longer per bag than store-bought cat foods. They also make a canned food Bert, but the extra oils and water can lead to GI problems too. Dry is just better. It's nutritionally sound, and it chips the tartar off of their teeth too. The big bonus, is if you feed them less, there is less to clean up too! I always tell folks it's like the cereal adverts. You could feed 12 bowls of friskies to one bowl of this food. You do the litterbox math...

Homeopathically...mix equal amounts of dried catnip with dried parsley. Sprinkle a bit of that in their food. The catnip shouts EAT ME and the parsley does the non-stink duty in the intestines...

For dogs...I'm sorry to report, even though the ScienceDiet stuff is GREAT...Science has yet to find a way to make a dog stop farting. The best we can do is learn to use it this energy source for good. (We've already drawn up plans at work for little ass-mounted windmills.....)

Love to every stinkin' one of you,
~Elle

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 06:09 PM

Happy Anniversary double r......some nice refreshes too.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Inukshuk
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 07:38 PM

Dear Friends and fellow cat lovers,

This is probably not the place for such an appeal, but I implore you, in the name of humanity, to take a minute and read how our arctic cats are at risk.

ABNORMAL FELINE BEHAVIOUR IN THE ARCTIC

Accounts of grossly aberrant human behaviour as a result of getting "bushed" or contracting "cabin fever" in Canada's far north have been well documented. However, virtually nothing has been written to describe the effects of extreme climate and severe isolation on household pets, cats in particular. The following four case studies involving instances of anthropomorphism, domination, fetishism, and demonic possession, will serve to create an awareness of the dire consequences suffered by domestic felines who live in the arctic.

Gerald, a long, gangly cat with mottled orange and grey hair, participated as a full equal with his human companions. At meal times he would sit upright on a high chair at the table and eat from a plate using his claws to daintily carry the food to his mouth. During conversations he would politely hang onto every word uttered by the speaker, while gesticulating, nodding his head, and vocalizing in low guttural tones. This cat routinely made use of the flush toilet. There was never any doubt that Gerald considered himself to be a human being.

Less civilized by far was Corky, an extremely dominant and territorial tom, who became embroiled in a deadly battle of wills with his cohabiting male human. The cat and the man fought continuously over territory, especially for possession of the only arm chair in the tiny apartment. The man was enraged one day to witness the animal marking the chair in traditional tomcat fashion. Only quick intervention by the female human averted instant mayhem. A similar crisis occurred a few days later when the man's clarinet became the target of the feline's territorial markings. Corky's fate was sealed, however, when he maneuvered into position on the bathroom sink and singled out the man's toothbrush for his odorous urinary spray. The man took the cat to the edge of town and summarily dispatched it with a shotgun. The body was incinerated in a nearby garbage barrel along with the defiled toothbrush.

Cher, a diminutive Siamese, was put at risk as a result of her overwhelming fetish for human feet and footwear. When not actively enraptured by rubbing against an available foot, she would typically be found sleeping deep down inside any boot or mukluk large enough to accommodate her. Consequently she suffered abuse and indignities at the hands of the household man, who erroneously believed that he could discourage the unwelcome behaviour by playing the cat in the manner of bagpipes. He would bite the cat's tail while squeezing its body under his arm to produce ghastly squawkings. Once, while sharing a large bottle of over-proof rum with a visitor, he demonstrated his cat-playing expertise, and went on to brag that he could also play dogs using an accordion technique. After a few more drinks, the inebriates wandered outside to perform a duet. As the inept visitor struggled to maintain Cher in the appropriate bagpipe position, his host grabbed a passing husky firmly by the ears and tail and began a vigorous squeezebox routine. The resulting cacophony was a brief but horrific quartet of commingled animal and human screams. The husky ran off, the men staggered to the nursing station for medical attention, and Cher slipped back inside to hide in a gumboot for two days. Old Andrew's nameless black cat adapted to life in the arctic better than any other domestic feline, but the results were not pretty. Allowed to range freely in a settlement where half-wild dogs outnumbered people two to one, he appeared permanently stressed and tense. His huge yellow eyes, located unnaturally to the side of his head, never seemed to blink. Repeated frostbite had reduced his ears and tail to barely discernible nubs. Humans and canines alike heeded the forewarnings of his unearthly vocalized threats. Old Andrew boasted frequently of being in league with the Devil, and it was taken for granted that his cat also enjoyed sinister protection. There was simply no other way to explain his continued survival.

Although the above examples represent but a minuscule sampling of the abnormal behaviour that is rampant among domestic cats living in Canada's Arctic, they raise awareness to the magnitude of this pressing problem. It is an appalling situation that will not rectify itself. There is an urgent need for rigorous studies and comprehensive surveys that will enable diagnostic and remedial services to be implemented effectively. Concerned individuals and agencies must urge government, at the local, Territorial, and Federal levels, to act immediately. The sanity and the souls of our arctic cats are at stake.

Thank you for your perseverence and your concern. These are true case studies. None of these cats ever got to enjoy their prerogative of felicitatious feline flatulence.

Inukshuk

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 09:40 PM

That is pretty moving stuff, inukshuk.

I find it amazing that a thread on feline flatulence would run to over 90 posts, but I should think one on canine flatulence would go considerably further. In my experience NO ONE can match dogs in this department. No one.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 03:19 AM

You've never been at Micca's house the morning after.....

LTS - who is by no means living far from Sparta herself.... although my Bro in law would win any given competition for both viscosity, endurance and volume..

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 05:22 PM

Liquid and solid crap don't have much to do with music, but with gas phase, just maybe, you could train your cat to fart something simple like "Taps". "Kitten on the keys" would perhaps be expecting a little too much.

I've never measured the density of cat farts, so don't know what the velocity of sound and resulting frequencies would be. You may even invent a new key that way. Cows fart methane, and they might be good for a harmony part for the tune.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 05:26 PM

The winds blow high, the winds blow low....

Blow the wind southerly.....

They call the wind Maria.....

The possibilities of songs about wind are endless.... plus all that potential woodwind power.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 09:11 PM

Dear Inukshuk,

Would you allow me please to include your story on The Mudcat Storytellers' Page? That way, you could share your concern with many more 'Catters (so to speak).

And I have to agree with Little Hawk -- canine flatulence (a/k/a CSBD Syndrome) is much more prevalent and 'emphatic' than FSBD Syndrome. A recent example of which I can relate is -- Last week, our estate agent came by with a contract to sell our house. Champ, our wonderful Dalmoxer, was not in the house, and, as Champ has become quite fond of said estate agent, the estate agent asked where he was. Worried and embarrassed glances were then exchanged between Dear Hubby and myself. However, we finally admitted that Champ had been banned to the backyard because of his nervous tummy. Last night, the same agent was by the house, and nervous and embarrassed glances were once exchanged between myself and Dear Hubby, as we held our breath (so to speak), hoping that Champ (who was all over the agent) would not make him a victim of his occassional CSBDS . . . but, that's another story . . .

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: cowboypoet
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 03:39 PM

Of our seven -- Jake, Lucy, Moose and Squirrel (honest to God it's a coincidence), Tosca, Charles Manson, and the Exalted Bhat, only one has ever had a flatulence problem, and of course it would have to be "my" cat -- the one who always wants to sit on my lap, facing toward my feet with her tail in the air of course. Tosca (a gay friend of mine maintains I'm the only straight guy in the world with a cat named after an opera) could kill trees at 30 paces with one cheek tied behind her. Finally, on the recommendation of a friend we tried feeding her Precise cat food. We get it at the local Wild Oats (a natural foods chain). Et voila'. She may still fart but they don't stink or drown out the music I'm listening to so I don't care. Still don't much care to look at her butt, though. Reminds me of Grandma when she was annoyed, which was all of her waking moments.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: tiggerdooley
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 03:59 PM

Ever picked up a cat, and the pressure has caused a little 'phhhhhhf'?
I truly am sorry for this posting, but it had to be said.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 04:21 PM

OOOOOOHHH yes, that's how this ALL got started.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: tiggerdooley
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 04:39 PM

Remember - a Tigger is a type of feline, so be glad that the Forum does not have smellyvision (although I'm sure one of you techno whizzkids is working on it as we speak)!!
And does that make me a Mudtigger?......

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Katcina
Date: 01 Mar 01 - 05:17 PM

Aine,
How do we access The Mudcat Storytellers' Page without having your blue clicky. I've tried everything I can think of and keep having to come back to this to gain access.
Thanks,
Jer'

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Áine
Date: 01 Mar 01 - 07:19 PM

Here's the 'longhand' version, Katcina:

http://www.geocities.com/doireanne/storytellers_index.html

Enjoy!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 09:39 AM

I knew this thread would be a good one... good for a laugh. So I saved it til Friday afternoon to have a read...

Excellent, cheered me up!

Ella

My cats don't fart.... They are little angels

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: GUEST,Carol's Friend Don
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 12:09 PM

You guys must have little cats in Europe. Genghis Khat weighed over 28 pounds and lived in the horse barn. He was all black and had a face like a gorilla, wide with large nostrils. My favorite picture of him is stretched over the seats of two ladderback chairs set side by side. I used to tell my neighbors to wrap their female kitties in duct tape, so they wouldn't explode when he boinked them.

He slept on the rear quarters of the Dartmoor pony and would drop off onto the grain rats as they tried to scarf up the sweet feed dropped by the horses. No rodent ever suffered, and was consumed immediately, with a shake that disloged the spleen and literally nothing else.

He used to leave rabbit heads still upright in the front yard, as though they were just emerging from the ground. In the morning I would have to police them up before my daughter went out to wait for the school bus.

Thee only time he ever farted at all was right after I would give him a pill, which was relatively easier than some of the above accounts. I simply tossed him into an old sea bag and tied off his head as it emerged. While holding the bag with padded gloves (no fool I!) I would stick a turkey baster, preloaded with the pill and some bacon grease to seal the calibre, into his mouth with one hand, and then stomp on the bulb. The recoil would stuff him back into the bag, which I would then quickly toss into the yard.

Sometimes he would stay in the bag and sulk for a couple of hours, though one time the neighbor's young son and his German Shepherd, "Panzer" tried to open the bag. The boy gave the best description of a cat and dog fight I've ever heard. He said "Mister, it looked like "Panzer" was wearing a dog suit, and the cat was trying to pull it off over his head". (Remember, the best way to stop a dog from chasing cats, is to let him catch one...)

My Irish Setters were much worst, though they would give clear warning of an impending toxic release into the atmosphere. Any time the "feathers"(long fur on the hindquarters of a sporting breed) straightened out and pointed to the rear of the dog, you needed to evacuate the room, slam the door, and then duct tape the keyhole. But, even that had some advantage. As long as only the dogs were left in the room, it killed all the flies.

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: rangeroger
Date: 05 Oct 03 - 12:29 AM

It's time to resurrect this.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Oct 03 - 01:09 AM

thread: Cat Farts / ads: Save Endangered Wildlife: "We take action to protect & educate worldwide. Learn how you can help!" and "The Green Guide, The Source for Eco-Friendly Advice. Product Reviews, Shopping Tips."

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Cat farts.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Oct 03 - 03:10 AM

Oh, it's like talking to an old friend again after months apart!

I regret to say that the two newbie cats (who aren't so newbie, they are rapidly approaching their second anniversary with me) have continued the traditions. Amber the tortoiseshell has a delicate little botty, which, although malodourous, has never been violently offensive. Max the black and white twit has an arse that is evil incarnate. He also has dodgy back legs (both hips broken when a kitten) so can't jump down and get out the room so well. I solve it by leaving him and getting myself out.

Oh, and to link (although not physically) with another thread - Shadow sat on the stove last night and burned her arsehairs. Tradition means a lot in our house!

LTS