BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 08:47 PM

A fin rises from the jello pit.

With a toothy grin, the lone shark offers easy terms.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 08:11 PM

I'm good for the drinks, just ask Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 03:24 PM

The choir, upon hearing the quest for somebody to set up drinks for the house, breaks into:

"Round, round, get a round
Who'll get a round?
Get a round, ooo-ooo,
Who'll get a round....

......Maybe it's the fact that somebody left the beach door wide open to get a little more heat in the place ...


The shaggy dog, who like all of his kind gets much more talkative as soon as he steps outside of a bar for some unexplainable reason, walks up to the Lawn Moor, who is singing a strange carol of some sort to himself:

"My kind of town, Chicago is.
My kind of doc, Zhivago is.
My kind of friend Iago is.....
NOT!......."

....and being quite impressed by his traditional music, he asks him, "Do you know the "Theme From Mondo Cane"?, but before he can turn around to answer, the choir, who DOES know it, sets out to prove it......

When that song is finished, the shaggy dog asks the man sitting on the lawn if he knows '"Mary Of The Wild Moor", and he just points to the name under the heart tattoo on his left arm, says "Long story.", hangs his head, breathes a heavy sigh and sheds a little tear. One keen-eared gibbon overhears, and the Hairy Simian Chorale starts singing it anyway.....

I'm sorry, my friend" said the shaggy dog. "I didn't mean to cause that. By the way, what's your name?"
"It's. Les." said the Moor. "What's. Yours?"
"It's Harry." replied the dog, "Actually, because I bit my master once to wake him up from a terrible hangover. "
"Hmmmm. Makes sense.".......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:28 PM

The giant wombat moves to the center of the crowd, seeking some cover.

"I hate it when the felines start singing" muttered the alligator.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:25 PM

A smilodon has joined the Hungry Tiger, and they are singing a soft refrain of "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"

The remaining two aurochs ( see 19 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM) edge towards the missing wall, looking to make a break.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:15 PM

Donuel gets to cover the bill for the entire evening. He brought the rhino in, and it has been charging away.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:11 PM

"Have you ever stepped into a water pipe
Down to the bottom of the water system
There you may find a little alligator
By the name of Alvin, if you do, he's mine
I lost him

I threw him down the water pipe
Down to the bottom of the water system
cuz he got too big for his britches
And now Im feeling lonely cuz hes gone
I miss him"

This brings tears to the bartender.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Janie
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:06 PM

Well sure! Are all six on Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 12:31 PM

The chori note TT passing by, and invite her in for a round or six.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Janie
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 12:26 PM

Teresa Terrific, Chief Streak of STREAKER (Society to Reinstate Emancipated Anatomies Kavorting Ecstatically Raw), notices the downed wall on her nightly run. What the....?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 11:01 AM

"And its your turn to buy a round, Donuel!" said the dwarf scowler, fingering his axe...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 10:37 AM

Donuel, who was not the hero in is own story, stood still speechless with pockets thoroughly picked, neck cricked and literally licked by a Republican In Name Only was heard to utter a diminutive "ow".

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Vic Smith
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 10:35 AM

A white horse walks into a bar.
"I think I'll have a whisky" says the horse.
"Which one would you like? We've got over twenty brands" says the barman.
"I dunno," says the horse. "Which would you recommend?"
"I'll tell you what.... I'll give you the one that is named after you." says the barman.
"What? Eric?" says the horse.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 10:18 AM

". . . ah, that's it; dressed to kill, and generous to a fault!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:56 AM

giving the Devil his due.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:53 AM

Not only was the wall no more, but the earth shakes, and a rift opens down the middle of the room.
The knight closes his visor, adjusts his greaves, and empties his wallet into the rift.

"Aha" says the nearest pun-dit. "I recognise this trope. The knight is, er, um . . ."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:25 AM

Which crawly things? In the jello pit everyone is swimming: At the bar most are beyond being able to crawl.

The Lawn Moor is just sitting outside, looking through the fallen wall.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM

Nigel leans back against the bar drinking his Black Velvet, and surveying the surrounding chaos.
Turns to the next person at the bar and asks:
"Over there next to the wall, or at least, where the wall was, is that Fanny Green?"
"No," comes the reply, "It's the way the light reflects off the lime jello!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:12 AM

We do not speak of the crawling things.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:08 AM

The perch, who felt like a fish out of water, pushed Bee-Dubwa-Ell off, and, with a flip of his tail, joined the growing party in the jello pit.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:02 AM

Which collapses from the additional weight. The roof stays up and roofed, as the roofer, Ruth, intended.

"Oh kmy," he thinks. "Roofer Ruth roughly roofed the roof. I won't even mentally add on anything about The Babe or a talking dog."

At that point, a Newfoundland dog wangers in and asks, "Ruff? Ruff?"

"A talking dog! A genuine talking dog," shouts Bee-Dubwa-Ell from his perch in the rafters.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 03:11 AM

A small group of chori in the back start up singing " Grammar got run over by a reindeer"

Cries of "Send them back!" echo from where the Hungry Tiger is gnawing on the aurochs xylophone.

The chori, looking nervous, move back towards the missing wall.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 03:01 AM

"What errand are you on, Sir Knight?" Says the large shaggy dog. " Can I give you assistance? Perhaps carry you ?"

The lone Viking says " No! You cannot send a knight out on a dog like that!!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 02:49 AM

The Hungry Tiger, seeking Baum, says "What IS the recipe for tender child?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 02:45 AM

A knight enters, without making a sound. He is rather battered, and hit armor has several punctures.

The wombat screams " No! Not that!" As the chori break into song.

The rhino says " But all IS right."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 08:38 PM

"Not the first time I've seen a wall go AWOL either, Bruce", replies Severn......

It's nice to see the choir of apes pitch in to help clear away the rubble, all in the spirit of Christmas gibbon ......

Severn walks through the open space down to the Post Office letter box and mails a request to Santa to please put a new wall under the tree for Christmas or even sooner, hopefully with an instruction booklet on how to install it, as it's starting to get cold in here......

"Can't take a little cold weatherAaaaahhh, you're a bunch of Sissies", says DeFrosty, still searching for his magic top hat.....

Gnu takes a book off a shelf and says, "We may not have the new wall yet, but I DID find the instruction pamphlet! "
The choir immediately starts singing

"Rejoice, rejoice, a ma-a-anual....."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 05:52 PM

100, says the wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 05:49 PM

The scowl climbs off the Viking's face, and goes to the tree to help th squidlets.

Joining the upset dwarf (making a small schowler, with only an associates degree) they move outside through the missing section of wall, complaining about the mess as they avoid the party of chori trying to clean up, or at least loft the debris outside.

Severn says "Not the first time I've seen a chorus loft."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wormbait meanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 03:33 PM

"There actually is a Beach Carol, you know," Severn says to one of the Moors.

"Really? So, how does it go?"

"Oh Tanning Balm,
Oh Tanning Balm,
Make me less white
This Christmas......"

Gnu, who's from Canada says, "That's a Moor, eh?", and The Hairy Simian Chorale, thinking it's a request, strike up a lovely a cappella version of it. People start to waltz.....

A Viking wanders back in the tavern with a scowl on his face and a broken drinking horn. He begins eying the rhino.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 03:08 PM

Not all the squidlets ran for the wombat's pouch seeking a feeling of safety akin to that of a non-bat's womb. Billy the Squid and Squid Rock have been stashing not only Rap's plumed hat (as well as Severn's and DeFrosty's hats), various purses, watches, cell phones, walking sticks, scarves and whatever else they've found loose, in back of the Christmas tree, and they silently motion to one or two other squidlets that are still running loose to join them. It's decorating time again!......

There's more than enough to keep everybody else occupied. One of the wildly swooping drunken bats crashes into a freshly made bowl of the alligator's own recipe orange colored Carrot Juice-based "Rabbit Punch", which, as the bowl slides off the bar and towards the floor, hits everybody below their belt right before there's a sound of shattering glass.

"It's OK, I've got it!", cries DeFrosty, who luckily always carries a broom with him. The alligator passes him a dust pan and says, "Yeah, but what about all that spiked carrot juice?"
"Don't worry", says the snowman. "We just need some rabbits. I'll just reach into my magic silk top hat and......HEY! WHO STOLE MY HAT?"
Severn, holding the dust pan notices that his is gone, as well.....

Up steps the Rhinoceros, wondering where a cup and saucer is, and asks for a drink. Having just knocked down a wall, the rhino seems to have been slightly wounded. When the gator behind the bar asks him hoe he'll pay for it, he says, "I'll charge, of course!".......

Janie asks, "Where's your purse, Mrrz?.......

The Moors, who have secured in injunction to be able to enter and join us, wave it as they come in through the back door that leads to the beach in their bathing suits and singing what must be a seasonal carol in the style of Brian Wilson or Jan & Dean:

"Little EEO,
Well you work so fine
Gonna hire black surfers,
In hardly any time
We'll all be break dancing
On our boards, you know-wo-wo
And if you don't like it,
Sing the Blues to the EEO
Wo, Wo, little EEo
                   (Faster, faster, you Honky bastard)
Wo, wo, little EEO......."


"We're sorry. Someone was making a joke."
"That's OK, 'cause so were WE, so skip the Liberal guilt and tell us where does a Moor go to get the "the merrier" around here?
"Say, wasn't there another one of you originally when you came by the first time?"
"He'll be in in awhile. He doesn't like the beach. He prefers to sit out front on the grass"
"Why is that, pray tell?"
"He's a Lawn Moor......"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 10:49 AM

Nigel dodges the rhino and finds his way back to the bar (homing instinct 110%) after his first pint of half & half he decides for a pint made from half pale ale, and half Guinness.
He looks around the bar to check there are no Irish he might annoy when he orders his 'black & tan'

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 10:27 AM

A prehistoric Trumperious RINO, measuring 32 ft. from tip of horn to toe, removes the entire front walls of the tavern with one swipe of his horn.
Severn: HEY whats the big idea? We're drinkin here we're drinkin here

RINO: FEE FYE FOE FAT I smell the blood of a Democrat

Nigel: glory! It must have been a Tory.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:57 AM

Nigel looks around wondering why Madame Cholet, Tobermory & Orinoco have suddenly appeared, but realises it was his bad eyesight reading Mrrzy's post.
Possibly blinded by the coffee which the Wombles bat dropped on him.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:34 AM

anybody know any gnu jokes?

Yes!

What noise does a gnu make?

Bnag!


DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM

From one of the doors a pantograph enters, looks around, and wanders out after putting its "mark" on the bar, jello pit, several table, lots of chairs, four other doors, each of the chori, sixteen hats, two auroch, MMario, three gnomes (one of whom objects violently), and four squidlets, seductively wanders back out.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:20 AM

The wombless bat thinks about guano on Nigel, but then remembers whose idea this whole digression was...

Irish coffee happens, instead.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:05 AM

Nigel heads to the bar to order a pint of "Mother-in-law's tongue" (pint of half & half, 'Old' and 'bitter').

Offers the barman half the requested price, effectively only paying for a half of bitter (he's been reading the Brexit thread). He offers the barman a cunningly crafted gnu-skull candelabra for the balance.

Being Christmas, and panto season, it's a case of Gnu-lamps for 'Old'.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 08:54 AM

As the Vikings leave some North Africans try to enter, but find their way blocked by the assembled "chori" (see previous comment) who continue to explain:
"No Moor, no Moor, no Moor, no Moor!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 08:23 AM

As the Vikings leave the Tavern, they are serenaded by chori ( plural of chorus) of "Hit the woad, Jak"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Dec 17 - 04:03 PM

Have to ask Gnu about gnu jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Janie
Date: 17 Dec 17 - 05:47 AM

Finally warmed by the scotch, Janie is leaning back in her chair next to the jello pit, a big toothy smile on her face.

"Dang!" she says to no one in particular. "Lovin' this."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Dec 17 - 02:50 AM

So, asks a tamandua who wandered in by mistake, anybody know any gnu jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 17 - 10:28 PM

Quietly, he orders another Horse's Ass with a pure poteen chaser.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Dec 17 - 05:15 PM

Bee-dubya exits the tavern via the beach door and wanders down the beach a mile or so where he comes upon a tiki bar. Inspired by his surroundings, he goes out on a limb and aks the bartender for a sex on the beach. The bartender hands him a Coors Light.

"What's this?" asks Bee-dubya, "I asked for a sex on the beach. This is a Coors Light!"

"Doesn't matter," said the bartender, "They're both fuckin' near water."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Dec 17 - 11:02 PM

"Just five tentacles?" asked Womby.

And the man in the corner reaches into his bag and places a true berserker helm on his head, the chain mail coif falling around his throat. Picking up his shield, he foams at the mouth and chews on the shield's edge, frightening the squidlets into fleeing to the protection of their mother and then into Womby's pouch.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 02:02 PM

Every year as long as I've been coming here, I order Mmario's House Special sandwich Auroch On Roll and some of the Cajun food that the bartending alligator brings in through the alley gate, courtesy of Louisiana chef Michael Rodeboadacheaux, and I've never noticed any ill effects.

The door to the beach opens and in comes Mrs. Squid and the Squidlets, who immediately eye the Christmas Tree and get into a circle around their ringleader Billy The Squid. Hang on to your belongings, folks anr watch over your coats and hats, because they tend to want to decorate the tree every year with ant loose belongings they find.....

Their mother, tired of watching them after a long day at the beach, goes over to the time clock, punches out for the day and yells "Squidding Time!. Somebody, puh-leeze give me a drink!". The alligator mixes up three Lurchin' Urchins, her favorite, and puts one in each outstretched tentacle.
She goes over to her husband to tell him that it's HIS turn to watch their brat pack, but he just says, "Come over here and meet my new friend."

The wombat is looking at the bats who were going to teach this overgrown so-called bat to fly, but all those drinks must've jammed their radar, for unlike the sober bats, they start crashing into things, as they swoop erratically around the room. One knocks Rap's hat off his head and immediately, a squidlet tentacle grabs it and Billy The Squid disappears into the shadows before the still slightly dazed Rap can even turn around to look for it.....


"I'm not s ure I want to do this", the wombat mutters to himself. He is distracted by a tentacle tapping him on the shoulder.
"Hey Wombie, I want you to meet my better half.".....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 11:38 AM

Dodging bowls and with suprisingly fresh breath, that womblessbat is sending Irish coffees around. No mint. We are authentic, here.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 10:21 AM

A minotaur wanders into the tavern, takes a seat at the bar, orders a Guinness, and begins to complain to the bartender about the lousy night he's had.

"I just can't seem to get to sleep. And, when I do, I can't dream well because of my horns."

Gee, Bub, replies the bartender, "Sounds like you need to see a psychiatrist. Or maybe a veterinarian."

The minotaur finishes his Guinness and wanders back to his labyrinth.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 10:04 AM

Severn comes in, with a bag of clean clothes. "Just back from the laundry-mat- Where the Severn meets the Tide."

Many empty bowls are thrown at him, but he grabs the ducks, and throws them back.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 09:59 AM

Sounds of sailors singing rise to the rafters, waking the ducks, who join in:

"Eat Bertha's mussels, they're the best to have by far.
You can eat them in the dining room, you can eat them in the bar.
When you're ashore in Baltimore..."


And I had thought they were oyster quackers...