BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Sep 21 - 07:01 AM

Knock, Knock
WHo's there?
mayonnaise
mayonnaise who?
?? mayonnaise have seen the coming of the Lord ?? ............

Not my joke, or even on from May Anne Hayes - but a Stephen Fry gem

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 21 - 02:10 PM

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Sep 21 - 01:48 PM

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 10:24 AM

A tortoise was mugged by a gang of snails. When the police asked if he could give a description, he said: "No, they were too quick for me!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 07:02 AM

I was told that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Apr 21 - 06:53 AM

A golfer is about to take a shot when another golfer calls across from a neighbouring green: "That's the ladies' tee that you're on!"

He smiles politely and addresses the ball for a second time.

"I say," comes the voice again "you need to move back. That's the ladies' tee!"

He shuffle uncomfortably and continues with his stroke. In the middle of his back swing he hears:
      "It's not done, old chap. Really not done at all!"

He stops, looks up and, through gritted teeth, calls back:
      "Will you PLEASE be quiet and let me get on with my second shot!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:45 PM

"Mummy! Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down!"

"Well...how kind of Daddy! You should learn from him!"

"But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap! "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 05:16 PM

Have you got a joke for this joke thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 02:27 PM

Humor segregation is for bigots, be honest, wouldn't you prefer to punish or torture Americans? Or you could do both.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 21 - 11:58 AM

"Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a politician!"

"Don't be silly, dear, you can't do both..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 12:16 PM

I think we desperately need a British joke thread and a separate American "joke" thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 11:51 AM

Solution to a puzzle, attributed to Jack Parr:

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

I agree!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Mar 21 - 07:30 AM

And shouts "Ommmmmmm"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 06:47 PM

For crying out Donuel, how many times do you need to be told you "humour" is not humourous.

A vicar goes to a dog rescue centre and tells the owner that he would like a new dog and if he can get a rescue dog that would be great and if it had some sort of religious connotation that would be even better But I don't want a St Bernard.

The owner says I got just the dog for you, but it's not out here, I've got it in the house.

So the vicar follows him into his house where he is shown a very young and very bonny King Charles Spaniel.

Well he says thats a very pretty dog, very pretty indeed but what is the religious connotation? Ah say the man watch this.

He calls out "Bible!" and the dog runs into his library and comes running back with the bible.

That's marvellous say the vicar he can play fetch but it's not that surprising.

No, no says the owner. Watch this. "Genesis!" the dog flicks the page open to Genesis. "Leviticus!" say the owner the dog flicks the page to Leviticus. "Kings!" shouts the owner, the dog dutifully opens the correct page.

That's astonishing say the Vicar how much do you want for him. One hundred pounds say the owner. I'll take him says the vicar.

So the vicar arrives home back to the presbytery and calls to his wife "I've got us a beauty little dog and it really is quite special"

His wife comes down and is smitten by the little King Charles Spaniel but asks her husband I know it's a bonny little dog but whats the religious connotation.

Watch this he says. "Bible!" the dog runs into his study and returns with the Bible. Clever says his wife it can plat fetch but that's not so unusual. No, no says the vicar watch this. "Psalms!" the dog flicks the pages to Psalms "Exodus!" the god flicks the pages to the correct one.

That's amazing says his wife, amazing. Can it do any normal doggy tricks.

Don' know say the vicar I'll try it now "heel!" he shouts, he dog jumps up and put both it's paws on his head !!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:05 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:34 PM

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/04/11/lab-grown-vaginas-successfully-implanted-in-girls-in-tissue-engineering-first/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 03:25 PM

Surgeons are surprised men are requesting elective transplants on their wrist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 09:20 AM

Saw a man standing on one leg at the cash machine. I think he was checking his balance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 21 - 05:20 AM

Scotsman goes into a bakery. He points to a confection in the window and asks, "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

Sez the baker, "No, you're right, it's a cake..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: G-Force
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 07:38 AM

The French like puns just as much as we anglophones do.

I once passed a poodle parlour called 'Beauti-chien'. And a sandwich bar called '100wichs'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:07 AM

A tiny belly-laugh from Ian Skelly on Radio 3 this morning, as he was eulogising about the signs of spring, "...The blackthorn's out...the daffodils are out, the bulbs are pushing through, Monty Don's back on the box..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 06:04 AM

It were a car to us!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: MudGuard
Date: 22 Mar 21 - 03:17 AM

a trabbie? But you wrote "car" ... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 07:54 PM

It was a trabbie with two wheels missing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Reinhard
Date: 21 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM

If you'd left the doors unlocked I'd rather think that the next morning the car is gone but they left the banjo behind...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 01:41 PM

I desperately wanted to be rid of my banjo, so I left it overnight in full view on my car seat and left the doors unlocked and all the windows down.

When I came down next morning my car seat had two banjos on it...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 09:35 AM

I was at a winery for a sunset concert and saw someone carrying a banjo, and quipped Oh, I didn't realize there would be a bonfire!

He laughed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 08:04 AM

A few years ago I was sat in a waiting room full of people at our local cottage hospital, waiting for an X-Ray on my shoulder. Just then, a doctor, who was also a long-time drinking buddy, passed through and called out airily at the top of his voice, "Oh, hi, Steve, I didn't know that the impotence clinic was on today!"

B*@st@rd...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 21 - 09:09 PM

Whats more exciting than making love with a very old man for a very long time?
Making love to an 18 year old for 30 seconds.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM

I went to a meeting of the 'Premature Ejaculators Support Group' today but arrived too soon.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Mar 21 - 05:55 PM

Sparsely sage, those wary in time!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 21 - 10:37 AM

Wait for it

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 07:09 PM

Me too, but it's far too chilli at the moment. I think I'll just nip out and put the car away...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jos
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 03:37 PM

So many herbs and spices. I think I should go into the garden this summer and piccalilli.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 03:20 PM

Very sage, very sage...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 02:27 PM

A few 'mint' comments lately.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 12:19 PM

Tonight on the telly I'll be watching Corrie and der Meghan interview....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 12:04 PM

In that case, I'll tread gingerly from now on...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:39 AM

Hee hee Jon! No, it was Rosemary actually.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:04 AM

At least the knock wasn't the Bay Leaf, Sen

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 11:00 AM

Pwaaaaghaaaagh Steve!!!!! Very good!!
And I expect when somebody knocked at his door he called, "Cumin!"
(I'll get me coat too)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 10:07 AM

Worst of thymes? Was his basil faulty too?

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 08:51 AM

What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 07:04 AM

A young man goes into the confessional.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been two months since my last confession. Last week I went to a dance"

"Oh, did you now" says the priest

"...and I met a girl there"

"Oh, DID you now" says the priest

"...and I took her outside"

"OH, DID YOU NOW"

"...and we were making love, standing up in the bus shelter"

"That's a TERRIBLE thing to do to a young girl" continues the priest

"....when a bus arrived and, in the headlights, all the people on the bus could see who she was"

"And what was the name of this poor, innocent child that you so wantonly brought disgrace upon?" demanded the priest.

"It was the vicar's daughter, Father"

"Ah well," sighed the priest, "boys will be boys".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 06:34 AM

I haven't heard that. The phrase is familiar in Italian, and there's no doubt that, in the Italian rendition, "die" means "snuff it!"

"See Naples and get robbed if you're not careful" would be better advice! It is an amazing place, full of both good and bad. You can get damn good pizza there, the archaeological museum is stunning and you can see San Gennaro's bones sticking out of a big urn in the duomo. He's the patron saint of Napoli, but unfortunately he lost his head in the Solfatara volcano (which you can just walk right into) at Pozzuoli, the childhood home town of Sophia Loren.

I wouldn't say make the area the last place you see before you die, but go before you die. It's fantastic, and you've got The Amalfi Coast just round the corner. Pompei, Herculaneum, Sorrento, Vesuvius...YES!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 06:13 AM

Going back to "See Naples and die", I was told that Die was an island in the bay of Naples. Anyone know if this is true?

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 21 - 05:51 AM

Two boys were sitting in church waiting for confession. One goes into the confessional:

'Father, it has been four months since my last confession...I was with a girl last week...and well, we started kissing and stuff and, well, we went a bit too far..."

"And what was this girl's name, my son?"

"I didn't even ask her, Father!"

"Well I've heard about some of the loose girls round here...Was it Mary?"

"I don't know, Father..."

Was it Alice?"

"Doesn't ring a bell, Father..."

"Donna?"

"Don't think so, Father..."

Anyway, the lad was sentenced to three Hail Marys and went back to his mate waiting in the pew.

His mate asked, "Good confession, was it?"

"Yeah, brilliant - and I got three names..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 06:30 PM

Gettin' there, WAV, gettin' there! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 05:53 PM

Re 05 Mar 21 - 05:49 AM post, A few day's later, one of Steve's ex-workmates was asked why he cancelled a booking at a restaurant near the company premises - "because the saur us."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 21 - 05:53 AM

From wiki.

Obersturmbannführer...was a paramilitary German Nazi Party (NSDAP) rank used by both the SA and the SS. It was created in May 1933 to fill the need for an additional rank above Sturmbannführer as the SA expanded...
...Adolf Eichmann was promoted to Obersturmbannführer in 1940...

How lovely to be called a Nazi in a joke thread. Thanks for that.