Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Doug Chadwick Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:04 AM If I had to spend eternity in Heaven without being able to make music just for the love of it, that would be Hell for me. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:47 AM I'm not quite sure what being "not good at music" means. The only exception being the ownership of a bodhran, of course. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Donuel Date: 18 Dec 23 - 06:34 AM Ancient blues jazz and metal music |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: gillymor Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:09 PM Did you take a wrong turn, how did that facebook link wind up in this funny witticism thread? |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right. (on a t-shirt) |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: meself Date: 18 Dec 23 - 03:38 PM I don't know if this one was widespread or not; my apologies if everyone is familiar with it .... Anyway, for awhile you would see here and there someone wearing a tee-shirt displaying the statement, "I'm with Stupid", and an arrow pointing to one side. Then one day, I saw a woman with a tee-shirt that said, "I'm not with Stupid anymore." What? Well, I thought it was funny! |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Dec 23 - 07:59 PM Either you like bacon or you're wrong (another t-shirt). Just been watching a programme about Billy Connolly. On stage, he was saying that Frank Ifield had turned to punk and had written a song called "I Remember You, You Bastard." |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: G-Force Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM A couple of musicians' one-liners: George Melly, while being driven past the rather splendid art-deco Hoover factory in north-west London: 'All that, just to suck up shit!'. Ronnie Hawkins, when asked by Robbie Robertson how much he'd get paid if he joined the Hawks: 'You won't get much money, but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra'. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: gillymor Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:27 AM After playing a set, jazz guitarist Jim Hall was approached by a fan who said "Your guitar sounded fabulous". Hall looked at the instrument on it's stand and responded "how does it sound now?". |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Doug Chadwick Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:45 AM .... jazz guitarist Jim Hall .... When I first heard it, it was Chet Atkins. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:59 AM Speaking of George Melly, he's alleged to have said, having discovered that he'd become impotent, "It's wonderful, like being unchained from a lunatic." |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: gillymor Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:58 AM I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.- Tom Waits |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: G-Force Date: 20 Dec 23 - 09:40 AM Another from Mr. Waits: Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Geoff Wallis Date: 20 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM For the record, Tom Waits was not the originator of either of the above aphorisms. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Mrrzy Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:14 PM But I like the sham pain one. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Dec 23 - 05:40 AM What about sham poo? |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Paul Reade Date: 21 Dec 23 - 06:46 AM My favourite parliamentary one:- Dennis Skinner MP: “Half the Tory members opposite are crooks” Mr Speaker: “The honourable member MUST withdraw that remark” Skinner: “OK, half the Tories are NOT crooks” |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Severn Date: 23 Dec 23 - 11:25 PM Isn't "funny witticisms" overly redundant? |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: gillymor Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:42 AM But probably not as redundant as "witty witticisms". "It's no fun to drink alone, until you've had two or three". Martin Mull (or was it him, who the hell knows) |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:47 AM Well I wanted the thread to be more amusing than not. Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism! |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: The Sandman Date: 24 Dec 23 - 03:03 PM Never work with animals or children. W. C. Fields |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:27 PM I use that one a lot, especially when precocious little brats are interviewed on the telly, especially the little smarties in school uniform. Buttock-clenching in the extreme. Give me animals any day. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: The Sandman Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:57 PM but old father christmas has to work with both |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: BobL Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:22 PM Whatever lights your tree.... |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Joe_F Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:29 PM The first mate wrote in the ship's log: "The captain was drunk this morning." The captain made it clear that that would not do, so the mate crossed out "drunk", wrote in "sober", and initialed the change. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Bill D Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:48 PM Not exactly a witticism, but a funny mistake I saw when using closed captions on TV. Automated systems can be confusing. A newscaster was explaining about Donald Trump's latest harangue to denigrate anyone who disagreed with him: "Just last month the former president referred to his opponents as Vermont." (Yes, the human said "vermin".) |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Doug Chadwick Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:51 PM A couple seen on t-shirts:- SAVE THE PLANET It's the only one with chocolate ------------- " ------------- A DOG IS NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS With a little imagination and a stock cube, it can last through to Boxing Day DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 24 Dec 23 - 08:25 PM Almost lost in the annals of time, when I was a teacher in Walthamstow we used a textbook called Biology For Life. Some Year 10 wag had added under the title, in thick felt tip, "Not just for Christmas." |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Mrrzy Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:34 PM If not funny, are they half-witticisms? |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: The Sandman Date: 25 Dec 23 - 02:58 AM P VICTOR HUGO |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: The Sandman Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:01 AM Puns are the droppings of soaring wits Victor Hugo |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Mr Red Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:46 AM Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism! A pun-dit? Cue a definition of hunour........... |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Doug Chadwick Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:03 AM Another t-shirt one:- So far, this is the oldest I've ever been. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:19 AM "Cue a definition of hunour" The art of acting like a Hun. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Dave the Gnome Date: 25 Dec 23 - 08:16 AM Seen on the wall of a gents bog Nick fucks sheep I'm Nick and I only fuck good looking sheep I'm a sheep and I only fuck good looking Nicks I'm a shepherd and while I was reading this someone nicked all my fucking sheep |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Mrrzy Date: 31 Dec 23 - 05:08 PM I am reminded of being with a Brit who parked too close to the corner. I said, you might get nicked. He admired my command of British slang, but I had meant Dented. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 31 Dec 23 - 09:35 PM "Boy trapped in refrigerator eats own foot" [Airplane!] |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:16 PM ... but don't worry about that now. And don't call me Shirley! |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:50 PM "A hospital! What is it?" "It's a big building with patients, but that isn't important right now..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Jan 24 - 03:59 PM "The cockpit! What is it?" "It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit. But that's not important right now." |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Donuel Date: 02 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM While there is a highway to hell but only a stairway to heaven indicates where the traffic jams are. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Donuel Date: 02 Jan 24 - 10:35 AM War is when both sides agree... to be merciless |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Jan 24 - 01:55 PM That is neither a witticism nor is it funny. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Jan 24 - 03:05 PM A good compromise leaves both sides equally unhappy. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:22 PM Illegitimes non carborundum. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:32 PM I wept because I had no shoes Until I met a man who had no class |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Jan 24 - 07:42 PM Avoid disappointment: give up hope. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: BobL Date: 03 Jan 24 - 04:36 AM Once in a blue moon = 1.167 * 10^-8 Hz. Two's company, three's fun. Nine women can't make a baby in a month. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Jan 24 - 05:26 AM My dad, a devout Catholic, once said that he'd start to believe in miracles at Lourdes when a one-legged man returned from Lourdes with two legs. |
Subject: RE: BS: editorial From: Donuel Date: 03 Jan 24 - 06:48 AM Today modern prosthetics accomplish the miracle that Lourdes can not. |