BS: Funny witticisms

Subject: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 02:00 PM

Thought I was going to put this in the joke thread, but it belongs to a different genre of humour I feel. I wonder if this thread will fly...

Someone once asked the great conductor Sir Thomas Beecham if he'd ever conducted any Stockhausen.

"No," he replied, "but I once trod in some..."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 04:37 AM

A slightly self-effacing putdown:
"You can tell he's a couple of years younger than me, I sometimes act like a five-year-old."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 04:50 AM

Denis Healey, on debating with Geoffrey Howe:
"Like being savaged by a dead sheep.”

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 04:54 AM

UK prime minister Harold Wilson on a later UK prime minister, Edward Heath: "A shiver looking for a spine to run up".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 12:42 PM

Fred Allen once said of Jack Benny, "He couldn't ad lib a belch after a Hungarian dinner".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 01:17 PM

Who defined a Hungarian as Someone who could enter a revolving door behind you and come out ahead?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 05:38 AM

"... then he and I must go there at once".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 07:29 AM

I love the story of Winston Churchill and Lady Astor. Lady Astor said to Winston.....'Mr Churchill, If I were your wife, I would put poison in your drink' .... Winston replid 'Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it'!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM

“When Edwina Currie goes to the dentist, he needs the anaesthetic.”

(The then Labour health secretary Frank Dobson)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 02:28 PM

When he was circumcised, they threw the wrong bit away.

Could apply to so many...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 04:07 PM

One of my own.
Many years ago, as a member of the Democratic Club at my university, a friend who was the club president talked me into running in the primary election for State Senate, in order to split the white vote and try to give a black friend a chance to beat a racist white guy.
    Well, I went on two TV programs and said some things but by that time, a well-known Black politician had filed late, and was slightly favored.
   When the votes were counted, the more well-known guy was leading, but because, even coming in last, my 734 votes gave him the margin over the racist.
   The next day, the club president, David, caught me in the hall with congratulations and and thanks..
   "That was great, Bill, " he said. "Before I'm finished with you, you'll either be governor or you'll be sick of me!"
"Gee, David," I replied, "What if I'm both?"
The look on his face...!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 04:33 PM

Mom (annother Hungarian), asked where her accent comes from:

It comes from trying to speak English!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:01 AM

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead. [Stan Laurel]

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:31 AM

Then there's Dorothy Parker's, "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think".
(No offense to sex workers from this quarter.)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 09:15 AM

Horticulture. You can lead a horticulture.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 09:31 AM

If you google it, Mrrzy, it seems that "whore to culture" was her response when asked to use horticulture in a sentence. So the story goes.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 12:37 PM

Ken Dodd: "I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped my mother."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 12:48 PM

Me on a bus home one night when a bunch of teens started to giggle when one of them called me a fat bloke.

"I can lose weight. What can you do about your face?"

I must say I felt a bit guilty when her friends erupted with laughter and she went bright red. I forgave myself though :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:15 PM

Exactly. So what she said was, You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

Otherwise it isn't a *witticism* -it is mere commentary.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:54 PM

"You're drunk."
"In the morning I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly."
(Attributed to Winston Churchill)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 07:35 PM

I was talking to one of my sons one time, when he was in grade 11, and he mentioned something about his Chemistry class.

"Chemistry!" says I. "Have they made you memorize the Periodic Table? Back in my day, in Grade Eleven Chemistry, we had to memorize the whole Periodic Table!"

"Yeah, but back in your day," he said, "there were only four elements, weren't there?"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 07:53 PM

Your argument makes no sense, Mrzzy. Once again, go online and check out the quote.

gilly out

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 11:37 AM

She was asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence. That is what she did. So spelling it Whore To Culture is a mistake. Sorry, but there you have it.

Meanwhile, Churchill said And in the morning I'll be sober, and then stopped speaking. He didn't add And you'll still be ugly. That was understood.

Did Calvin Coolidge, told by someone that they'd bet they could make him say 3 words, really answer You lose?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 01:22 PM

Another Winston one: "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

How true when you consider that democracy has given us Thatcher, Reagan, Bush junior, Trump and Boris Johnson. And brexit.

Incidentally, most sources I've checked assert that he did say "...you'll still be ugly" in that quote. Maybe you had to be there.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 01:35 PM

Another Churchill one: "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else." (Sorry, yanks!)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 06:45 PM

But then, it wouldn't have been witty. It would merely be rude.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 07:36 PM

But you think that the horticulture one's witty. Oh dear...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 08:14 PM

Teddy Roosevelt was, apparently, given to 'speaking at length' ....

At the time of some kerfuffle between US and France, a French diplomat went to meet with Roosevelt, and was in his office for a couple of hours. When he emerged, a reporter asked, "What did you tell Mr Roosevelt?" The diplomat replied: "My name."

Roosevelt's daughter was quoted as saying, "My father wanted to be the bride at every wedding, the dead man at every funeral, and the baby at every christening."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 08:32 PM

Apropos of the French, Dubya didn't say "The problem with the French is that they have no word for entrepreneur," but I wish he had...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 03:17 AM

John Philpott Curran describing Robert Peel: "His smile is like the brass plate on a coffin."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 AM

A choice selection of Dubya quotes:

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"They misunderestimated me."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 12:33 PM

The secret of being a good actor is honesty. If you can fake that you've got it made.

George Burns

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.

Rita Mae Brown

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 06:54 PM

Better to look a fool with an umbrella on a dry day than a fool without an umbrella on a wet day.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A reputation for chastity is necessary to a woman. Chastity itself is also sometimes useful.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: robomatic
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 PM

I worked for an engineering company with a client named Alaska Pumptech.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _:

"What's the difference between working for Alaska PT and working for Satan?"

"Satan knows what he wants!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 10:35 AM

The Coolidge quote was (as I heard it) a rather bubbly young lass at a party saying: "My father's said that if I can get you to say three words, he'll give me a fur coat."

Coolidge: "Papa wins."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 02:49 PM

Or: ... husband ... bet ... "You lose."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 02:52 PM

Going to sea is like going to prison with the added prospect of drowning.- Mark Twain

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.- Woody Allen (or maybe Groucho)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:14 AM

I didn't post the horticulture one, Steve. I merely corrected it.

But yes, witty. Why not?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:25 AM

Your correction made no sense. The joke is a play on the old expression "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." "Horticulture" was just used as a set up and has no comic value the way you use it. One more time, research the actual remark.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:55 AM

Here's another one that seems apt-

E.B. White compared the analysis of humor to dissecting a frog and concluded, "While it is possible the frog usually dies in the process."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 12:40 PM

One man's fish is another man's poisson.

Give a man a bucket of coal and you'll keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make him fish.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:09 PM

With magic, you can turn a frog into a prince.

With science, you can turn a frog into a PhD, and still have the frog afterwards.

                     -- badly remembered from Science of Discworld

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:45 PM

Back in my working days I was performing some task with one of the guys, Pancho, and started singing "Doobie, doobie do" and knowing he was a stoner I asked him if he thought Old Blue Eyes was advocating marijuana use to which he replied, "Well, he didn't say 'Doobie, doobie don't'".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 04:13 PM

Here's one that's kind of blue (not the Miles Davis kind)-

I had just met a South African fellow at work and we decided to go out for a drink after and he asked me "How do you hold your liquor?" to which I responded "By the ears".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 06:42 PM

Buy a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for the day. Throw a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 08:16 PM

“To be is to do”—Socrates.
“To do is to be”— Sartre.
"To be or not to be"—Shakespeare.
“Do be do be do”—Sinatra.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 03:29 AM

Mark Twain used to joke that "golf is a good walk spoiled."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 03:17 PM

Hell is full of musical amateurs, George Bernard Shaw

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 04:53 AM

So are singarounds, pub sessions and music festivals. If GBS was here today I think we'd be asking him to explain himself. No relation, by the way.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:03 AM

1. does hell exist?.
2, is life on earth hell?
3. Shaw is confusing being not paid for playing music with being not good, which is of course a generalisation,and is sometimes incorrect, but occasionally correct